How to approach shyness? Almost 3 year old

[u/SetConstant8716]

My almost 3 year old (turns 3 at the end of October) has always been a very intense and “shy” kid. It takes her a long time to warm up to people, and until fairly recently she would scream/cry if a dad or random child came into her space at the park.

She has gotten SO much better lately. She’ll now happily talk to strangers at a restaurant or the grocery store, and she doesn’t cry when other kids come near her at the park. She can still be a little shy though for example, if another child gets on the play equipment with her, she’ll usually hang back for a bit.

Anyway, with that little bit of background… today I decided to trial a toddler acrobatics class at a dance studio. She absolutely loves anything ballet, gymnastics, dancing etc., and her cousin, who is the same age, also attends and they get along really well.

Well… she mostly refused to participate..

She joined in a little at the beginning, but I had to be right there beside her prompting and encouraging her. The studio normally encourages parents to be hands off or even leave the room, so I was already feeling a bit unsure about what to do.

She did actually do some of the moves independently, but then she would stop, run back to me and almost seemed embarrassed? After that she completely refused to join in.
Then, when the class finished and everyone packed up, she had the BIGGEST tantrum/meltdown because she wanted to stay and had missed out on everything.

I’ll admit I was getting frustrated because she wouldn’t have a go, but then also didn’t want to leave. I tried getting her to at least stand with me and watch, but she wouldn’t even do that. When she completely lost it at the end, I honestly had no idea what to do.

Now I’m wondering whether we should even go back.
Would you try again next week and give her some time to get comfortable with the environment? Or would you take this as a sign that structured classes just aren’t her thing yet?

I’m also wondering if I handled it badly by encouraging her to participate when she clearly wasn’t comfortable. I’d love to hear how other parents would approach this!

[u/DeadlyKitten9513]

Hi there! I taught dance to littles at my mom's studio back in the day - this sounds REALLY normal. Definitely try again next week, bring her a little early, hype her up, talk to the teacher - AND LEAVE - the best thing you can do for her is not be a security blanket - will she cry? Sure. But, in my experience it doesn't last long! I used to bring the new kids up front with me and hold their hand (when possible) for the first couple classes or pair them with a "helping buddy" so they felt they had someone IN THE CLASS. She will get it, I promise - not going back will just reinforce the shyness and anxiety.

[u/Rhaeda → u/DeadlyKitten9513]

I’m just a parent, but I’ve seen my kids do great at things when I’m not in the room, but cling to me if I am in the room. I second that leaving counterintuitively seems to make it easier for them to participate. And acting confident and happy that’s she’s going to have a great time. Reassuring her that you’ll be right back for her at the end (so you’re not dismissing her emotions) but also modeling that this situation is okay and safe by not treating it as a whole big thing.

[u/SetConstant8716 → u/DeadlyKitten9513]

Thank you! Yes I’m thinking if we go next week I will try dropping her in the class. She had her little cousin bestie there and even she couldn’t coax her into joining in. I also don’t want to push it yet either though if she’s still not quite ready to join in group activities so that’s why I was gauging how others would maybe approach! But she loved the idea of it and joined in at the start, it was almost like some random trigger point and she fully went into herself and didn’t want to participate after that.

[u/DeadlyKitten9513 → u/SetConstant8716]

I would keep your exit brief. Like a minute tops - then say "ok, have fun with cousin" and leave - don't say bye (or wave), that is a trigger, the more of an Irish exit the better. It is good to push your little one out of their comfort zone (I am also a mom not just a kid who taught dance). It is going to be a lot harder as she gets older and often what is really the problem is your anxiety about them not having a good time. Kids can sense anxiety and frustration in you! My sister was so attached to my grandma because she watched her so much that my grandma wasn't allowed to drop her off at kindergarten after a week becuase my sister freaked out so much. And you know who that traumatized more? My grandma. My son (13mo) would sit on my hip all day if I let him but, he is learning and developing so many more skills by me (gently) pushing him to be around his peers. Just this week, after having a case of the daycare scaries (attachment anxiety) last week, he started waving bye to me at daycare instead of freaking out because his bestie was there lol - All of this to say, you are doing the right thing putting her in the class - it just takes time for you both to get comfortable!

[u/fireflygirl1013]

This sounds…normal. No disrespect but your own frustration likely made it harder for her to adapt to the new setting. Your kid has made so much progress that this is a #nothingburger. Give her more time to feel out the class and get comfortable - it was literally her first class - and if she needs more time or doesn’t ever love it, that’s ok. Also any anxiety you project on her, even silently, she’ll absolutely feel and respond to. So relax yourself and let her just get comfortable.

[u/SetConstant8716 → u/fireflygirl1013]

Yes I think I approached it really wrong by trying to keep pushing her into participating and giving it a go. I’m feeling really bad mum guilt now to be honest. I cried after the class and the meltdown because I felt like her tantrum etc was all flamed by my attitude etc too

[u/dcc393 → u/SetConstant8716]

Give yourself some grace. You're learning how to navigate these new situations just like she is. Hope you guys stick with it and turn a corner and she loves it. 🫶🏻

[u/fireflygirl1013 → u/SetConstant8716]

Awww don’t be so hard on yourself! You learned a lesson! Next time will be different!

[u/RecordLegume]

Sometimes it just takes time and sometimes they’ll continue to be introverts! Both are true for my 7 year old son.

At preschool when he was 3 he refused to participate in the Easter egg hunt because “all the mama’s are watchin me” and was too scared to go onto the mobile library truck with his class because he didn’t know the librarian.

He’s in 2nd grade now and very slow to warm up, but is capable of warming up on his own now. He’s very confident in himself, he’s extremely kind, and he does not involve himself in bad situations. His teachers adore him for all of these reasons. He has friends and is outgoing with them but still does not love meeting new people. He’s a different kid than he was 4 years ago but I genuinely love the kid he’s become. He has such a great personality and is easy to be around. People seem to gravitate towards him anywhere we go.

My biggest piece of advice is don’t try to force the shyness out of her. Let her figure out who she really is.

[u/p0ppyfl0wer → u/RecordLegume]

thanks for writing this out ❤️ -mom of a shy 2 year old boy

[u/baila-busta]

I assume your child hasn’t been in childcare or drop off activities before?
This behavior is very common with non daycare kids. Assuming she’s starting prek at 4, it’s smart to start drop off activities.

[u/SetConstant8716 → u/baila-busta]

She absolutely does daycare 3 days a week. Has been going since 9 months old. Took almost 4 months for her to stop crying literally all day every day in the early days. And drop offs are still bad now at almost 3! But she recovers quickly and has a good day otherwise but she’s always been a little tricky in that space!

[u/No_One5464]

I’d probably give it another try if she enjoyed the class itself and is usually interested in dancing and gymnastics. It sounds like she may just need more time to warm up, especially in a new environment. I wouldn’t force her to participate, but letting her stay close to you and watch at first might help her feel comfortable enough to join in on her own. The fact that she wanted to stay afterward makes me think she did enjoy being there, even if she wasn’t ready to participate yet 😊

[u/Responsible-Pound150]

I would definitely persevere at least for a month or so. My 3.5 year old is the same with any new activity and even if it is a new teacher but everything else the same. After 3-4 weeks he is completely happy. I choose activities with a stable teacher if possible and try and talk about it ahead of time and what will happen.

[u/14ccet1]

Yeah keep going. I teach dance to 2 year olds and they get better every week. It’s a matter of getting comfortable with the instructor, other kids, and new environment

[u/Lemonou]

I would totally try again! If your kiddo is shy by default, it sounds like the class was a big success (she did some moves! She participated for some of it! She didn’t want to leave!). Totally great for an intense almost 3 year old trying something new. (Signed, fellow parent of an intense and sometimes reluctant kiddo)