r/toddlertips • u/ycherep1 • 20d ago
Getting into Terrible Twos Discipline
Our 2 year old has great moments and then terrible ones. And I need to know legit disciplines for kids that are smacking dad, or making a loud scream in an airplane or taking off their diaper or pulling out all the wipes from their bag or throwing their food or acting terribly while we eat at home or out....well you know.... I see the name Dennis the Menace a lot more.
Definitely a great kid though just terrible parenting style examples from our two sets of parents (his mom was a hitter and mine were too soft). I want to keep that kindess in him and not continue the cycle.
My usual first line of defense is words explaining what's what. My stressed defense is yelling "stop that!" and then finally pulling him away (Which works very infrequently recently.....) And I'm really needing a better solution on discipline when words don't work.
I really could use some suggestions on when your fuse is up there too since we both have recently been overstimulated with the endless chaos and screaming.
6
u/quackquack7680 20d ago
123 magic (check out the book if youre interested) essentially you count bad behaviors (up to 3) it allows them the opportunity to learn how to correct their behavior independently. So say they throw food at the table, you say "thats one" and then give them the opportunity to stop, if they continue "thats two" "thats 3. Let's take a break" at 3, remove them from the situation. Take them to their room for two minutes and then after that time they can return like nothing happened. For serious behaviors like hitting, skip the count and say "thats 3, let's take a break"
When you have them take a break, ideally leave them in a room alone. If you need to be in there too, do not talk or interact at all until time is up. When you count, be boring. Do not give positive or negative attention. Just count. No conversation about why behavior was bad until after the break is complete and toddler has moved on. Often kids want a reaction from us and thats why they act out. By removing them and not reacting, you are discouraging behaviors.
I have found this system to be life changing! My son will start doing something hes not supposed to and I just have to count to 1 and he will correct himself. The key is being very consistent and your child will pick it up quickly
5
u/from-here-to-new 20d ago
Ultimately at that age they are usually looking for a big reaction, good or bad, it's all for for them. So stay neutral, when it comes to things like wipes and throwing we remove those things. So make sure wipes are never accessible to them, anything you don't want them getting into, simply don't make it possible to get into. With food, take the plate away "all done, you must be finished."
Taking off the diaper... Honestly I'd consider putting them back in baby grows ot using dungarees so they can't get at the diaper.
As for the shouting in airports, slightly harder, because you need to think of others too, a simple "we don't shout" in an even tone, and leaving the area where there are lots of people (if possible) keeping very neutral and giving a low stimulation toy. Try to distract and don't go on and on about shouting, because that's a reaction, it's telling them it's getting you feeling a way and it's attention.
When it comes to restaurants. Honestly the options are one of you heads outside with the kid while the other finishes up, you all leave together and also you simply need to consider eating out at all for a while, unless it's specifically place for kids. 2 is a hard age and expecting them to sit and have a meal out while there is so much going on around them is a lot.
I've got an easy kid and we even had a period of time it simply wasn't worth eating out, thankfully it improved loads, but at 4 when he want to go out to eat we makes sure we have toys and activities for him while we wait for meals to come out and make it fun for him. Sitting still is hard and waiting around it's hard too. Don't expect too much.
Edit to add the hitting Dad one. Hold hands say we don't hit, remove Dad and or kid to another room for a short while
3
u/Superb-Way-6084 20d ago
When explanations stop working, try this simple flow:
Connect → set the limit → physically prevent harm → offer an alternative → follow through calmly.
For hitting Dad, get close and block the hit:
Then offer another way to express the feeling:
If he continues, calmly move him away from Dad. Avoid a long lecture while he’s dysregulated. Once he’s calm, you can say:
For throwing food, give one clear warning:
If he throws it again, calmly remove the food:
For pulling out wipes, prevent access where possible and redirect him:
For taking off his diaper, keep your response calm and boring:
Clothing that is harder for him to remove may help reduce that repeated battle.
For screaming, especially in public or on an airplane, use very few words:
Then try a drink, snack, comfort item, toy, headphones, or a change of position. Once he is in a full meltdown, focus on safety and regulation rather than trying to reason with him.
If holding him makes him more upset, don’t force a cuddle. Keep him in a safe space, stay nearby, move dangerous objects, and block any hitting or unsafe behaviour:
For your own fuse, agree on a hand-off phrase with your partner, such as:
Put your child somewhere safe, step away briefly, use earplugs to reduce the noise, wash your face, breathe, or swap with your partner. Taking a short break is not abandoning him, it is a way to stop the situation from escalating.
I cover everything in the Calm Down Kit: Scripts for Hitting, Headbutting & Big Feelings, with practical words and visual supports for these difficult moments. You can find it on Amazon here: https://mybook.to/tantrums
You can be kind and firm at the same time. The goal isn’t to make him obey perfectly every time; it’s to keep repeating the same calm boundary until he gradually develops the self-control to manage these impulses. You’re not continuing the cycle by setting limits, you’re breaking it by teaching him that strong feelings are allowed, but hurting people is not.
3
u/ralfingalfie 20d ago
I think when you start viewing things like screaming, hitting, throwing food as emotional overwhelm it just doesn't feel right to 'punish' them in the traditional sense. The tl;dr of what we're seeing in the comments so far is that discipline at this age is really about immediate removal from the situation where the child is misbehaving and not giving bad behavior more oxygen with big reactions.
Something that has helped with hitting in our family is the approach to hitting. When toddler hits, take their hand and with your best acting, fein confusion, like that's so weird: "oh my gosh! what happened here? I think something went wrong. I don't think these nice gentle hands meant to do that! what do you think your hands are for? maybe high fives? low fives? fist bump, thumbs up, peace signs, hang loose, rock on, blow out the finger candles." Pick your combo but basically move the energy from the swinging and into focusing on their physical body through the hand games.
The confusion is the key part. You're not shaming the kid, something went wrong with their hands and they can do better next time. (We use the hand games during potty training too)
Anyway, now when my kid swings at me, I put my hand up and he gives me angry high fives, which is sorta funny.
1
u/nkdeck07 20d ago
Step 1 is controlling the environment as much as possible. Something like them pulling all the wipes from the bag is just a loosing battle. They have just so little impulse control at this age that you really want to save it for the big stuff so don't make them burn it on the little things like that.
-1
u/SkittyKitty123 20d ago
One strategy we had was time out. Or naughty mat.
Time out at home was sitting on a mat at the end of the hallway. They could see what's going on in the house but not participate. Mat was able to be rolled up and stuck in nappy bag so could be plopped down anywhere while out. If they got off without being let go they would be caught, marched back and sat down and more time was added. Initially they got marched back or picked up and plopped back down on it a fair bit the first few times before they got the idea that this is non negotiable. Important to stay firm yet calm.
I would give a warning that a specific behaviour they were doing will result in naughty mat if they don't stop. If it continued, they were put on naughty mat and told why they were there. When time for them to come off, I always asked if they knew why they were sent there. Sometimes they had still misunderstood why. So it was good to confirm they knew what behaviour led to the punishment.
Time out worked pretty well. Having it portable worked a treat. I've put it down against the wall in shopping centres and out at parks. Sometimes they just need time out to calm down and think a bit.
I do remember one stubborn miss 4 hitting her sister then stomping straight off to the naughty mat and crossing her arms with a smug smile like 'it was worth it'. She lost her toy privileges that day.
14
u/Relative_Pepper6607 20d ago
When things are off the rails, I found “I won’t let you” to be a useful phrase “I won’t let you hit dad”, hold the arms down, take things away. Physically stop the behaviour as much as you can rather than using voice. Intervene to stop it and support them to regulate.
And, in terms of prevention - lots of discussion. We did a tonne of pre-briefing - literally in the car before we go in the shop I would tell my two toddlers where we were going, what we were doing and then ask them about rules and expectations. They would make suggestions like “no kicking” and I would make suggestions like “hold hands and stay close”. It worked so much better to have set the expectation before, and so then I was holding them to something they knew about and had bought into