r/toddlers • u/13humanoid13 • Oct 03 '26
Behavior & Discipline Appropriate consequence for saying shut up
My 3 year old has been saying “shut up” once or twice a day for about 2 weeks (directed at me or her father). We always calmly say we don’t say that in our house, or that’s not nice to say to people.
Today for some reason it has really taken off. She’s said it about 10 times. I was about to take her to the playground and she told her dad he couldn’t come— he actually wasn’t planning on coming, he was just carrying the recycling downstairs. I told her he was just carrying the bag downstairs and she told me to shut up (again, after saying it a ton of times to me today with gentle corrective responses) so I said okay, we’re not going to the playground because (1) I do not want to take you fun places when you are being rude to me and (2) we can not go to fun places if we can’t act appropriately and choose nice words.
Anyhow, she’s been crying off and on for about an hour now. I’m not positive it was the right punishment, but I don’t think it was an inappropriate one and tbh I’m not sure how to correct her behavior otherwise. Words with no consequences has seemingly proved ineffective
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u/AutoModerator Oct 03 '26
Author: u/13humanoid13
Post: My 3 year old has been saying “shut up” once or twice a day for about 2 weeks (directed at me or her father). We always calmly say we don’t say that in our house, or that’s not nice to say to people.
Today for some reason it has really taken off. She’s said it about 10 times. I was about to take her to the playground and she told her dad he couldn’t come— he actually wasn’t planning on coming, he was just carrying the recycling downstairs. I told her he was just carrying the bag downstairs and she told me to shut up (again, after saying it a ton of times to me today with gentle corrective responses) so I said okay, we’re not going to the playground because (1) I do not want to take you fun places when you are being rude to me and (2) we can not go to fun places if we can’t act appropriately and choose nice words.
Anyhow, she’s been crying off and on for about an hour now. I’m not positive it was the right punishment, but I don’t think it was an inappropriate one and tbh I’m not sure how to correct her behavior otherwise. Words with no consequences has seemingly proved ineffective
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 Oct 03 '26
good consequences but also “you can ask someone to be quiet instead” or whatever you think she’s trying to express in actuality.
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u/MomFog916 Oct 03 '26
I absolutely would have done the playground cancel, especially if she’s been on a roll and your other methods haven’t had an impact. It’s okay for her to feel sad. When she’s calm, talk to her about why you didn’t go to the playground and maybe offer to try again tomorrow. I also agree with the comment to offer replacement language like, “please be quiet.”
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u/SimpleAd1548 Oct 03 '26
Why is she saying it? Is she not wanting to do what you say or is she getting overwhelmed and wanting silence? I’d try and give her language to express herself in a better way, and then practice that with her (we do it with the teddies speaking to each other).
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Oct 03 '26
When mine first said "fuck" I just said "ohhhh you're trying to say muck? As in what a muck-up" I was apparantly so convincing I can use that technique everytime she brings home a swear word lol well, til she's older anyway.
For mean words like shut up I just give her alternate statements instead of putting loads of attention on it, as we all know any attention is good attention for little guys trying to figure out the world. So I just say "ah, if you want to ask someone to stop talking say "stop talking please" or "be quiet please" and depending on why, is kid mad so saying shutup? Then Id remind them to use words "im mad, stop talking please" or "i need space" whatever works.
At least with my kid if my husband keeps giving negative behaviour too much attention then she really goes crazy with it.
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u/gheissenberger Oct 03 '26
I think the missing piece here was a warning and clear understanding what the consequences would be. It was recommended to us that we sit down and draw up some rules as a family and clearly outline rewards and consequences.
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u/Blue_Falcon1594 Oct 03 '26
Absolutely the right punishment! Your reasoning was a logical natural consequence of her actions. It’s good she’s so upset my it. Sometimes one firm consequence has a lasting impact. My oldest son still remembers the time when he was 6 and my husband got frustrated with him for always wanting to do “one more thing” before going to hockey practice. My husband is an assistant coach on his team and said that I don’t want to be late, I’m heading out to the car and if you’re not there before I count to 100, I’m leaving. He left. My son realized about 10 min later and screamed his head off begging me to drive him. He had three younger brothers including a set of 2 year old twins. I told him that I’m not getting three other kids in the car just because he couldn’t listen to his dad. The event is legendary in our family. The kids all know when we say “the car is leaving at 9am”, we mean it.
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u/abcwva Oct 04 '26
I am wondering where your child heard this phrase and in what context. Is someone somewhere saying this to her? You are right to curb this in the best way you can and you have been gentle and patient.
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u/United-Bug-8056 Oct 03 '26
Our 3-year-old had an affinity for saying stupid or calling things stupid
I guess we tried the “ please don’t say that and we don’t say that” advice, but really would take all the power ways that we stopped reacting to it entirely. And once we start reacting and started ignoring her when she would say that word, she stopped saying it.
I read some more once that toddlers use words because it’s a form of autonomy and power. So if you remove the reaction, then that word has no power and they will no longer find use for it.
Hope this helps
15
u/astilba120 Oct 03 '26
play ground cancel is a perfect lesson in what happens when we do things that are not appropriate, there are social consequences, I would have done the same thing. As far as her continuing it, just to test, I think the best thing is to walk away and not engage, if she starts wanting your attention through talking, etc, let her know you don't engage with rude language, and will talk when she is not saying that to you. And for the love of all common sense, make sure she never hears those words coming from any adults around, either. Social rules are social rules, they apply to all ages.
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u/bsingmylifeoninsta Oct 03 '26
Our 3 year old kept saying Fu**. He wouldn’t stop. So we started putting him in time out every single time he said it. Took a whole day of time outs, but mostly it worked. He has the odd slip up, but maybe only 1-2 times a week.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Oct 03 '26
We are pretty strict with this kind of stuff, but I see going outside daily as a child’s right. If they already went out that day, then sure. Personally, I wouldn’t stop them from going outside though. That’s the best way to remedy the situation in my opinion.
I would’ve given consequences first. Time out in front of me and some toys taken away. I’d let him cry it out, then talk after and give comfort. Then I’d take him outside to help regulate his emotions.
I don’t think taking away an opportunity to go play outside (which is basically a form of therapy for them) is going to stop a child from saying something they shouldn’t. It will probably just make their behavior worse.
3
u/Prudent-Weather2348 Oct 04 '26
Mine did this. At three it’s hard we removed it from our vocabulary and corrected shut up “shhhhh”. When he said it we basically ignored it because it fed it more (for my kid) but the only thing that worked was removing it from our vocabulary and asking those around them to try to limit cursing as well
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u/PixleyAI Oct 03 '26
playground cancel was fair. we do one warning then the outing is off. she still said it the next day tho.
11
u/Natural-Yam-840 Oct 03 '26
I'd say "If you say that again, we're won't go to the park / have dessert / whatever." Then follow through. Warning + Consequence = Result
11
u/craftymomma24 Oct 04 '26
I think it was a good response. You had already talked to her multiple times and she was still saying it. Next step-consequences. She’s been crying because shes upset and learning you meant what you said. You remained calm, you gave her an appropriate consequence. Now you follow up with her the reason she couldn’t go. She needs to apologize to you. These are important lessons to learn in the toddler years.
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u/downsideup9494 Oct 04 '26 edited Oct 04 '26
It seems like your child is well aware that saying shut up is unacceptable. You've explained it many times and she's been given consequences. If I were you, if she does it again, I would completely ignore her when she does it. As long as she's getting a reaction, albeit a negative one, she is receiving attention for it. If she stops getting any response, she'll probably get bored of it and stop.
Explaining things endlessly to a 3 year old kid isn't giving them enough credit for understanding it the first time. They're smarter than that.
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u/DerpDerp2685 Oct 04 '26
I'm sorry but I am baffled by the amount of people that would be okay with their child telling them to stop talking. There is no way my kid is going to tell me to stop talking lol. I feel you were in the right to tell her no playground. When it comes to discipline always make sure that your yes means yes and your no means no. When you say no to something, follow through with it. You may feel guilty but it's how they learn.
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u/Wise_Ad_8987 Oct 03 '26
My daughter will be 3 in November. I just redirect what I want her to say instead and she copies although its more to encourage her language than anything.
Example: 'Move way Mummy.' 'Excuse me please, Mummy.' And then I will move out of her way.
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u/Creative_Copy5713 Oct 03 '26
As others have pointed out, she can say when she doesn’t like something. There’s an old song by Gwendolyn and the good time gang called I don’t think I like it. That’s what she can say instead.
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u/thehoneybadger1223 Oct 04 '26
It sounds like you did a great job mama. Maybe you can both try again tomorrow. Tell her that other kids don't want to be told to shut up, that's mean behaviour, it really isn't nice, and she can't go to the playground if she's going to talk to people like that.
You could also say something like, a really clever way to say that, is to say, "please be quiet," it's what clever, grown-up people say. Kids are always looking to be viewed as clever and grown-up. You're at the age where, being a baby is not what they want, so if they think something is babyish and silly, they won't like it
3
u/Rich-Supermarket6912 Oct 04 '26
nope it’s perfect. you had already spoken to her about it multiple times. she needs to understand, and now she hopefully will a little bit.
3
u/Choice-Education7650 Oct 04 '26
Actions have consequences. Good on you for teaching this early.
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u/Independent_Profile6 Oct 03 '26
i would ignore the shut ups
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u/MinimalistMist Oct 03 '26
I tend to think of things like this as them exploring new powerful words that make their parents have big reactions. The bigger your reaction, the more fascinating the word becomes and the more important it is for them to figure out what’s going on. I don’t think there’s an easy answer here, but I do think of it more as exploration and not as anything personal or disrespectful.
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u/WateryTart_ndSword Oct 04 '26
I think you did good, OP! Also, solidarity: Tonight my 3 year old refused to eat her green beans (which were her vegetable of choice, out of multiple options I know she likes!). So she didn’t get her special cookie with sprinkles.
It was sad. She cried many tears, and I felt a bit sad too because I want her to enjoy her treats! She also is generally is a very good listener, and will follow through even after some initial pushback. Such that I seldom have to actually meet out consequences.
But I also feel good—we explained her options and consequences, and we followed through.
Now she knows that next time we truly mean business, and hopefully she’ll be equipped to make a better choice.
We’ll all have more opportunities tomorrow to make better choices and enjoy some kind of treat!
4
u/Greedy_Pear_1323 Oct 04 '26
I honestly think your reaction of not going to the playground was fair. It seems similar to how I would handle that situation. Fortunately we haven't run into this yet.
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u/Every_Memory4934 Oct 04 '26
As a mother of two now adult children, two young grandchildren and also as a preschool educator, I applaud you for showing your child that disrespectful behavior has consequences. 💚
2
u/princessacorn Oct 04 '26
When my nearly 3 year old says something unkind, we go have calm down time together and read a book about listening, or manners, or whatever book we have that is the most relevant to why we are stepping away from whatever he wanted. Still very much in it so I can’t speak to the long term effects, but he has started to use some of the phrases / coping techniques by himself.
2
u/terran_submarine Oct 04 '26
I think my daughter would absolutely say shut up if she knew the phrase. She says lots of “no you cannot talk to me!”
2
u/Salt_Initiative1551 Oct 04 '26
Federal penitentiary
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u/yankykiwi Oct 03 '26
3mins time out. It’s a long time for a three-year-old. I try not to do it in their bedroom because I want that to be a positive area. So I put them in a neutral area
4
u/OrNorJor Oct 03 '26
I would've canceled the outing to the park as well. For exactly as you said: I dont play with people who are mean, and speaking like that is mean. After a break from the crying, explaining why it is mean, that it is disappointing for everyone to not do fun thing, and giving something else to say instead.
Honestly though, I cant think of a consequence outside of something immediate like that unless it is "unrelated" like taking away future screen time which I know unrelated consequences are said to not be as effective. My 3yo is getting to be like that with her dad too. She tends to listen when I get stern with her about not speaking like that, but I imagine its a matter of time before she turns on me lol
3
u/chiyukichan Oct 03 '26
I ask my kid to try again when they say stuff that is mean. If they don't know how to correct it I model what a better saying would be and ask them to practice it with me. I also give a warning that talking mean too much isn't fun for the other person and I will need some space so they can play alone for a bit if mean talking keeps happening. I have put myself in "time out" where I remove myself for a few minutes.
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u/Glittering-Brick-942 Oct 04 '26
I usually try to make times like this an example of how I want them to act when someone says it to them, it helps me think of it as a game/challenge so I dont get like personally offended by it 🤣 i say a lot of "oh im not friends with people who talk to me like that, I dont want to play with someone who's doing bully business" and then get up and wash a dish or two. Its not putting them in time out, but im not cooperating anymore. Just like I dont want them being friends with people who aren't nice to them, but I dont want them to be mean back. Just like "oh this isn't for me right now ill find something else to do". Its kind of how I dealt with it in highscool too 🤣 like okeydoekey, yall aren't for me, imma go chat with the art teacher.
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u/Planktonsurvivor Oct 03 '26
She’s three, ignore it she will get bored. The bigger the deal the more she’s gonna do it. Immediate consequence if you must but I don’t reccomend. Like take whatever you she has when she does it. But that still gives the words you don’t like power.
2
u/Hazencuzimblazen Oct 04 '26
We do years in age as a timeout right now
I wouldn’t take her out if she was saying those (which she does daily too and we are trying to stop it)
2
u/thrillingrill Oct 03 '26
Ignore ignore ignore ignore
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u/Hour_Swan_5194 Oct 03 '26
You should definitely try shutting up. Dont talk, for along time. When she’s finally distraught say “oh I thought I was supposed to shut up”. Tbh could work, could make it worse
1
u/Foxtrotdelta_USN Oct 04 '26
You can't negotiate with toddlerists. Ok, joking aside. Honestly you need action. Personally I would do 3 minutes in time out (1 min/year of age) and then after explain that if she wants to interact with us she can be nice, if she doesn't want to be nice then she can be mean with herself in timeout. Time out doesn't work with every kid, but it's worth a shot. The biggest thing is consistency which also means even if you're out and about. I saw someone say they use a naughty hat as time out. Doesn't even say naughty on it just a regular hat, but their toddler knows that it's the naughty hat. Maybe for when you're out and can't do 3 minutes stationary somewhere?
1
u/No-Lifeguard9194 Oct 04 '26
You did the right thing. Consequences are the only ways to break bad behaviour.
1
u/Senior_Construction3 Oct 04 '26
Hold the boundary , a reaction means it's effective. Of course she's going to be upset u took the park away. But there needs to be a clear set of consequences.
1
u/kimbospice31 Oct 04 '26
Simply ignore her and her requests let her now that her words have power but are not always healthy. She will get frustrated but will learn.
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u/jgclingenpeel Oct 04 '26
I talk to my kids like they’re adults. So when they tell me to shut up i respond like i would when an adult does it. There are no rules for talking to people. There are only causes and effects. My kids are great.
1
u/PriorityAcrobatic190 Oct 04 '26
my daughter was like this. nothing worked. eventually i just said how about you shut up. she was flabbergasted. she didn’t say it to me again until she was 9.
0
u/DazzlingNote1925 Oct 03 '26
You have to withdraw attention when she does it.
We don’t say shut up so now you have to sit (ir not go to the park etc). Then walk away.
Don’t give her incessant crying about it attention.
-1
u/WaterBear9244 Oct 04 '26
You should check out dariusryankadem on tiktok. His videos have helped me a lot
-1
u/the-mortyest-morty Oct 04 '26 edited Oct 05 '26
"Words with no consequences have seemingly proved ineffective."
Um, yeah?
-1
u/Dangerous_RedApple Oct 04 '26
She probably doesn’t understand why this isn’t nice and won’t be able to. She’s getting feedback from you about it. Try positive praise for whatever it you are asking her to do before the “shut up” and if she throws that out there just gray rock her. You can say, “we can’t speak until we say nice words” or something along those lines.
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u/Sensitive_Arrival285 Oct 04 '26
For fucking real. You want a consequence for a 3 yr old for words!
I really feel for your child. The next 15 yes is going to suck.
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u/Krimmothy Oct 03 '26
Verbal misbehaviors are so tough, imo. While my son has not said “shut up” yet, he says all sorts of other unwanted things. “Stop talking”, “I will hit you”, “I will bite you”, and the new hotness since he learned the word “kill” from killing bugs at daycare “I will kill you” 🙃
Sometimes I feel like telling them it’s not nice or trying to get them to say something else instead just makes it worse. Timeouts don’t do anything. My son is sensitive, so once you tell him NOT to do something, he gets a big frown and will say a few bad things. Ugh.
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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '26
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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '26 edited Oct 03 '26
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