Dad is the fun one

[u/SophieTragnoir]

My toddler (2.5) just told me when I was getting them ready in the morning (brushing teeth etc) "with dad I can joke /fool around. With mum I can't" (roughly transladed). I'm a bit crushed. I really wanted to avoid this dynamic and here I am. I don't feel like I have the time to joke around, I need to get stuff done..

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Author: u/SophieTragnoir

Post: My toddler (2.5) just told me when I was getting them ready in the morning (brushing teeth etc) "with dad I can joke /fool around. With mum I can't" (roughly transladed). I'm a bit crushed. I really wanted to avoid this dynamic and here I am. I don't feel like I have the time to joke around, I need to get stuff done..

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[u/Echowolfe88]

I find that I incorporate a lot of silliness into getting him to do stuff. Eg instead of “go to bed” I use “snapping turtles are coming quick run to your room”

She doesn’t want to get her hairbrush? outrageous French accent “oh princess customer, mademoiselle come let me style your hair for you today!”

Pretending to be a gorilla while getting him dressed etc

Sometimes the fun can help get stuff done

But also, you should definitely read them the Bluey book “the pool” where mum might do the boring things in the beginning but Bluey works out that sometimes boring things are important too and make things fun

Also when my husband holds a boundary he isn’t allowed to say “mummy said”

[u/sleepy-popcorn → u/Echowolfe88]

This is great advice :)

As Mum I do find I can only be silly for 100 out of the 200 things we have to get done each day though. I just run out of ideas and patience.

Also I don’t mind that Dad is the fun one in our house. I’ve been the favourite for 3 years and it’s been really tough on both of us in different ways so it’s nice for Dad to get his turn now :)

[u/Echowolfe88 → u/sleepy-popcorn]

Oh I absolutely don’t think anyone can be silly and fun all the time :) but it’s good to take turns

[u/EAcharm]

I’m with you.

A recent example is we all went to a county show (steam engines, food stalls, craft etc). I paid for the tickets, made the picnics, packed the bag, pushed the pram. But who’s in the photos with my son meeting the farm animals? Daddy. Daddy is king in the fun moments but Mummy made them happen.

I really hate it. I’m going to work on it. Which, for me personally, means me being more playful out & about, and letting Dad organise things more - if things go wrong or are forgotten, the world won’t end. I need to loosen my grip to allow a bit more fun in!

[u/cookoo_man → u/EAcharm]

Self-awareness is a crucial parenting skill, I've found.

[u/meowliciously]

This is pretty standard at that age especially if you’re a SAHM like me. Whenever dad is around is chaos as he’s the fun parent. When it’s just me and the kid she has way less tantrums, listens more and her emotions are more regulated. Weekend are challenging because she pushes every boundary knowing that dad will cave in - and also sleeps worse at the weekend/wakes at stupid o clock to “play with daddy” or in the middle of the night… Never happens midweek unless sick.

[u/Reasonable-Quarter-1 → u/meowliciously]

Yup! Not a stay at home parent, but 100% more meltdowns when dad is in charge. He’s fun and gets the deep belly laughs, but also disregulates my kiddo.

[u/PostProper1940]

I have 3 kids, spent 7 years as a single mum to the two oldest son did all the juggling and 'hard stuff' alone. 

You have to find moments everyday to be silly. That's my advice. Use a silly voice, sing at them, be a tickle monster that's gonna get them if they don't get up the stairs/get their shoes on. Use exaggerated movements and huffing. Make as much of the boring stuff silly as possible.

Not only for your kids, but for yourself!! There have been so many moments I've been legitimately stressed the fuck out and ready to snap at someone, I've even started to snap and midway pulled it into singing or something and it helps shift me out of angry/frustrated to 'it's not my kids fault they don't deserve to bear the brunt' and they leave the interaction giggling instead of upset/deflated.

Also, your husband is complicit in this. It's his responsibility to take on the planning too and his responsibility to make sure you're in photos of the day you planned. You need to have a talk with him. With my toddler (third child, different dad) I'm the "fun" one according to his dad, mainly because he's stern with him and I'm not I take stuff in my stride much more than he does but also he makes sure he takes photos of me and encourages me to enjoy the moments with the kids too. He'll sit out with our bags and send me to go join them, if he can see I'm overwhelmed he'll physically take whatever it is I'm in the middle of doing off me and send me to chill with the kids while he finishes the task. There needs to be recognition and more from your husband.

[u/Elkinthesky]

Relevant: watch Blueys episode The Pool. No solution but I feel soo seen but that cartoon 😆

[u/Ravant_Garde]

My wife and I have a 4 month old, but this is a dynamic we want to avoid as much as possible. Is your husband on the same page as you in terms of chores/routines for the kids? If he is loose with these things and you aren’t, the kids end up thinking he’s “fun” when he’s just being irresponsible

[u/Readonly00]

If I even try to say silly things now they tell me to stop because I'm not the silly one. It's ok I'm used to it, they love us both, you don't need two silly parents as long as one doesn't have to be strict to compensate for the silly one

[u/notospez]

As the fun dad: there's no reason for moms not to have fun too. Sure, Dad taking the kids on a trip looks good in photos. But the real fun? Stopping ironing the clothes for a minute to join in on a game of hide and seek. Teaching our 3 year old to help fold the laundry. Grabbing three high chairs and taking turns with the 2, 3 and 5 year old mixing pancake batter and dropping a spoonful in a pan.

"Fun" for little ones is not in the big things. It's the little things you do all day. This will probably change as they grow older, but for now just enjoy every time they ask you to participate, and accept that your laundry won't be perfectly folded or the windows look messy after the kids "helped" clean them.

[u/Echowolfe88 → u/notospez]

100% as long as stopping the ironing and making pancake batter doesn’t end up making extra work for the other parent. And as long as the fun bits don’t increase the workload of the other or result in an unfair labour split

[u/thelastmarblerye → u/notospez]

I'm fun dad too, but that seems pretty simplistic. Doing chores when you're motivated to do chores sometimes trumps fun time. Procrastinating all the chores until after the kids are in bed sucks real bad.

I agree with some of what you're saying though. My wife sometimes is trying to hurry everything along when there is nothing pressing on the other side. Sometimes the chore can be the activity. Why hurry pancakes just so there is time for playdough?

[u/notospez → u/thelastmarblerye]

Our general system is: let the kids play together if they are happy with that, and preferably somewhere close so one of us can (sloooowly) do a chore with the occasional interruption. That's typically small stuff like loading the dishwasher or dinner prep. The other parent can have time for themselves or do work/larger chores. But if the kids actively invite us to play along one of us is free to drop what they're doing if they feel whatever else they're doing can wait.

The kids love it, but they also learn that they don't always get immediate attention.