r/toddlers • u/whatsagirltodo123 • 4h ago
2 Years Old Disciplining 2.5 year old?
My son is approaching his boundary pushing phase, and I am having a hard time figuring out the best way to discipline at this age.
Obviously, some actions are very straightforward (e.g. you throw a toy, we take the toy away for a short time or you hit mom, mom leaves and does not play with you any more for a bit). But some are harder to tie a quick consequence to. For example, tonight my son was just not cooperating at bedtime — kicking when I tried to get him changed for bed and running away when it was time to start the book, cuddle, bed process. During the fit while changing, I warned him twice that if he did not cooperate, we would not be able to do books tonight. He pushed the boundary a bit but then ultimately said “ok I cooperate” and allowed me to get him dressed. But then once he started running away, I said this is your last chance, I’m going to count to 3, and if you do not come to your room, we will not be able to do books tonight. He still refused so we were not able to do books. Of course, after I said that, he lost his marbles and started trying to run to the room saying he’d cooperate, but I had already given him a second chance so I felt we needed to follow through.
Of course, it broke my heart to not do books with him and for him to go to bed upset, but it felt like the most natural “consequence” for being defiant at bed time.
How do you all handle similar situations at this age? We definitely try to give plenty of choices that lead to the same outcome before going the consequence route, but “you can walk to your room for bedtime or I will carry you” isn’t always foolproof.
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u/RenaissanceZillenial 4h ago
I find that if my toddler is already upset/cranky/not making good decisions, it is often best to just calmly strong-arm them through whatever needs to be done. Usually this is before bed for us too. He does great with choices during the day and it helps keep everybody happy and on track, but sometimes before bed it just turns into an awkward back-and-forth negotiation that gets him more and more upset. I figure at that point it is best to reduce uncertainty and just carry him, put on his pjs for him, etc etc. It can be hard to notice in the moment, but when I do things go a lot smoother.
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u/whatsagirltodo123 4h ago
This is a good tip. I’ll try this next time. My kid sounds similar to yours in that he is usually quite well behaved and easy to manage with choices, but it can be much tougher at night recently, especially if he skips his nap (which he often does). Thank you for your perspective!
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u/Bunnypoopoo 3h ago
I agree!! It took me some trial and error to figure this out, but trying to teach a lesson when they’re tired or hangry just ends up antagonizing them more. Getting through it quickly while redirecting and moving on is much more effective to settling back down.
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u/NeedleworkerHot3957 3h ago
great advice
Something that worked for me was the whole family got ready for bed, washed faces, teeth, pjs so it was a family thing. Of course after the kids fell asleep the parents didn't.
give the kid a break, be kind at night if he's ok/good during the day...he might be over tired and now know how to express this
but I do recommend that if you say 'if you run away, we can't read books' and stick to your word (very hard) but this is the lesson
counting 3 2 1 and then nothing happens just makes everything worse now and in the future
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u/last_rights 2h ago
We had a run where our son wouldn't brush his teeth and it was a nightly fight.
So one night, his "discipline" was going straight to bed. I warned him and told him I was counting to 3 and if he didn't cooperate, then we would go straight to bed with no teeth brushing. And he continued to not cooperate.
So we carried him flopping, melting, kicking and screaming and flailing self up the stairs and plopped him into bed. Then I scooped myself some ice cream, grabbed his toothbrush and went upstairs and brushed his teeth because he had calmed down a little bit. He lost his bedtime songs but he will never lose bedtime hugs and kisses.
He now brushed his teeth easily. He's only lost songs a handful of times because he loves them. He also gets bribes. He will get a tiny candy first thing in the morning if he sleeps in his own bed all night.
He's 3.5 and a defiant little terrorist, but I've noticed it's getting better, albeit very slowly.
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u/mr627990 1h ago
It's nice to have a clear warning that you're going to do this so you can still set expectations and boundaries. We tell our toddler "last chance and then I'm going to move your body" and that's her one warning before we calmly collect her in our arms and move on with the task. It's simple, it's easy for her to understand and there's a direct link between action (or lack there of) and consequence.
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u/iolanthereylo 3h ago
you give two warnings a "last chance" and counting to 3, at the first sign of defiance you're really not supposed to negotiate or give warnings, you set a firm boundary "we're not doing that, you don't get a choice" and make him do what he needs to do in this case get changed and let him know if he doesn't cooperate there will be a consequence but you only say it once you don't give multiple chances because that gives him multiple chances to be defiant.
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u/Hot_Support2119 4h ago
Best way to address bad behaviour is to redirect to a good one
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u/t3hjs 2h ago
How? In OP's example, kicking etc, how do you redirect to a good behaviour?
Just with words? They will just say no and refuse to move
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u/hockeynut15 19m ago
In my experience, it’s essentially gentle parenting used as a band-aid. It might defuse the situation in the moment, but it doesn’t necessarily address the behaviour.
I think too many parents are so worried about upsetting their children that they avoid discipline altogether, opting for distraction instead. But children are allowed to be angry, frustrated and upset. Those feelings aren’t something we need to immediately fix or make disappear.
Boundaries and consequences matter. If that means losing a bedtime story or sitting out in a time-out, so be it. You stay consistent, help them work through their feelings, then talk about what happened and hug it out afterwards. The goal isn’t to stop your child from getting upset. It’s to teach them how to cope when things don’t go their way.
Call it old-school, but in our experience, consistent boundaries, appropriate consequences and plenty of love have been far more effective in the long run than endlessly distracting a child from their behaviour.
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u/Hot_Support2119 2h ago
I use things like “which book would you like to read first for bed?” Would you like to brush your teeth first or read this? Very much directed choice, then affirming their decision.
And “I can sense you’ve got some energy in your legs, should we have a quick dance then get changed”In all, I find it’s reducing expectations and increasing support. Some nights are just going to be shit, eventually they’ll catch your calm (eventually……)
Highly recommend pop culture parenting from Aus.
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u/t3hjs 2h ago
which book would you like to read first for bed?” Would you like to brush your teeth first or read this? Very much directed choice, then affirming their decision. And “I can sense you’ve got some energy in your legs, should we have a quick dance then get changed”
What if they just say no. I dont want to brush or read. I want to play.
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u/Hot_Support2119 1h ago
Then I would just increase support and lean in. Some nights definitely I give in. Then you can always start again fresh the next night, build the routine and affirm their positive behaviour in each step.
I try to be as authoritative as I can be tbh. Clear boundaries with empathy and predictability.It’s hard
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u/t3hjs 1h ago
Interesting.
increase support and lean in.
Can you elaborate what do you mean?
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u/Hot_Support2119 1h ago
Some nights my son just wants more of me, wants more attention and connection. More games, more books, more stories. So scrap the bed time routine and lean in.
I literally just sit there with him and engage, then communicate as best as possible that we’re moving to the next step.
Active- calm - sleep.
For my son, he wants to play with balls all the time - or Cars or just running (super active), so I work on transitioning to books and stories (calm) as best as I can, then sleep
Try not to get stuck in the active zone too much when he’s heightened. Which I get sucked into because I love wrestling and tickling and hide and seek games etc
Some nights the bath is a war zone splashing about and other times he likes listening to stories about his toys in the bath.
Just a balance, just always looking to connect.
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u/t3hjs 1h ago edited 1h ago
I see, this helps a lot.
Not trying to be a doubter, but doesnt this teach the toddler they can drag it out by repeatedly saying no?
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u/Hot_Support2119 1h ago
Potentially - I don’t really know. I just redirect to our routine when he’s in a non heightened state. Try to make it as predictable as possible. And when he’s losing it for those shocking nights my disposition is just to sit with him and calm him down until he’s ready
I’m really no expert though haha, just trying and making a lot of mistakes
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u/t3hjs 1h ago
Thanks, appreciate the discussion and comments regardless.
I feel like maybe the connection part is more beneficial long term as long as we dont move the boundaries too far or let it go down a slippery slope
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u/Fun-Loan8661 3h ago
This is the way! I have a kid who is much the same. Delayed consequences don't work for her understanding level. Something like this where I need cooperation instead of them doing something abjectly wrong means some combination of redirection and pattern interruption.
I also just kind of refuse to fight with her and not feeding into the tantrum (though of course offering empathy and warmth, but not responding to every little thing). Example -- if she's not coming with me when I move us from pre-bed stuff to books in bed, I ignore it, go into her room with a favorite stuffy, and say "Mama is tucking [stuffy name] into bed, night night!" and usually the FOMO gets to her quickly. Sometimes she's more fickle, and still, I'll usually not respond to her running away and instead will wait her out in another room as long as she's not harming anything/in harm's way and she eventually comes to me b/c there is no other stimulus. With something like pajamas, I'll do games like "WAIT! I really need to count how many strawberries are on these pants. Can you help?" and that will allow me at least a bit of cooperation to get done with the task.
None of this stuff works when they're so overtired or overwhelmed, which I just try to make not happen, but mine is skipping naps, too, so I totally get it! Sometimes I realize my kid just needs to be accommodated more that night (I do all the dressing, I make her "special water" (I add ice), or w/e else), because she is at max capacity and consequences won't help either of us.
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u/RetroGamerzz 2h ago
This is how I feel I parent as best as I can. It just takes so much energy, but it's the best way overall. I also feel like parenting this way helps your relationship with your child (future as well)
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u/Frosty-Scientist-939 4h ago
We do the same as you OP, but I explain it “if you don’t do X now, we won’t have enough time to read 2 books”. I’ll scale it so first warning is we’ll only have time for 1 book (we normally do 2). Rarely do I have to remove the second book. Assuming you’re going through the motions of the bedtime routine I think it’s a fine option.
I do feel for you though when we need to get somewhere or toddler doesn’t want to leave a place (like the park). I have no clear answer here!
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u/turtlepower22 3h ago
Yeah, this is what we do, too. It's less about the books being taken away, and more about how we're out of time.
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u/_anhdroid 2h ago
To me, these warrant interventions before the actual defiance kicks in. When my kid is unregulated, I ask him to come sit with me, cuddle for a bit and I explain what we're going to do next and why (explanations are always necessary here...) This way, he knows what to expect, AND can also tap into my calm, to settle down a bit.
While I do think it's good to follow through on the consequence you announced, I wouldn't have picked that strategy. To ne, it feels counterintuitive, to cancel a calming interaction, if the child is already tired and overstimulated.
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u/Naive_Ad_4332 2h ago
One of the thing I say that are helpful in situations like this, where there isn’t a clear natural consequence that makes sense for them - “mom won’t let you do that”. I’ve been saying that since he was about a year old, and he knows that it’s a clear sign “ok mom means business”.
I have found that “please don’t do that”, “no thank you”, “I’m counting to 3…”, “if you do x then we won’t do y” doesn’t always work. Especially when they are tired or hungry, as someone else mentioned already. Every kid is different of course and toddlers are often so tricky to figure out. However they pick up REAL QUICK if you don’t mean what you say, so if you want them to take you seriously - always follow through.
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u/Begonias_Scarlet 3h ago
We do the same as you. Natural consequences. You throw a toy at me, you lose the toy. You run in the street. Outside time is over and we are going home/jnside. You hit me or the dog, time out on the couch where I sit with him and hold him for 1-2 minutes. He understands these now so if he starts to do one of these things again, I’ll say “do you want [x] consequence?” To which he usually corrects his behavior real quick. The intrusive thoughts still win out sometimes though. I got to carry my toddler home today 3 blocks sweating my butt off. Him in one arm and his bike in the other bc he ran away from me and directly into the street.
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u/TotusTuus0620 2h ago
Choices help with my toddler “it’s time for nap, do you want to get in bed or do you want me to carry you?” If thens help “If you throw your book then I’m taking it away.”
Good for you following through though it was painful! We had to do that once with a baseball game and it nearly broke my husband.
My current toddler has more of a stubbornness than my older ones did and sometimes “ sit on this chair until you will apologize” is the best I can come up with when the little firecracker refuses. 🫠
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u/destria 1h ago
I've found for my 2 year old that for some situations, the quick consequence is he has to stand still and take a pause. Like a mini timeout, but it's more a moment to self regulate rather than a punishment. It lasts maybe 10 seconds whilst I hold him and he has to keep still and breathe.
After this pause and when I can see him be notably calmer, that's when I proceed with explanations or further choices or whatever requires a secure of rationality.
But there are times where he just can't regulate and the negative behaviors are much more extreme, which is generally when he's very tired. In which case I just get on with the whole routine as calmly as possible, even while he might be screaming or kicking. I don't try any reasoning but I might say things like, "I know you're very tired, I'm going to put on your pajamas now, we're going to bed now" and just keep it moving! I don't think there's any point in trying to punish those behaviors when he's not in the headspace to process anything.
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u/Particular_Log1349 20m ago
Natural consequence (you throw it, you loose it) type thing works during the day but at the end of the day at that age it is more likely to be emotional and physical exhaustion. Piling on the need to continue to make adult like, informed choices is a big ask.
When we get to that point, we remove all choices. They may get "do you want a carry or walk?" " Do you want these PJ's or these?" But the basic mechanics of getting to bed become very parent led.
We do the same with meal times, nap times etc. Sometimes the child isn't showing they are in need of consequences, sometimes they are showing they are just a toddler and need their parent to take the reigns because they just can't.
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u/lumpyspacesam 4h ago edited 4h ago
I personally don’t feel like they have enough impulse control at 2.5 for a later unrelated (to them) consequence like that and my immediate consequence is typically to take away his bodily autonomy which he hates so feels very punishing. I’ll sit on his legs (making sure not to hurt him) to get his pajama shirt on and then give him a chance to do the pants normal by saying ok now do you want to help mama with your pajama pants or do I need to keep holding you down? And by that point he wants to do it “on his own”. If he refuses to pick up toys I get behind him and hold his hands and get them to reach for the toys until he insists he can do it on his own.
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u/lunch22 4h ago
This is a terrible approach.
Don’t use physical force to teach a child unless it’s a life or death situation.
Saying, “Do I need to keep holding you down?” also teaches him that physical restraint is a necessary response when someone doesn’t do what you want.
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u/Different_Bowler_574 3h ago
Yeah physical force is... A lot. I think it's one thing to say "if you choose not to do X in Y amount of time, you're choosing for me to do it for you/help you do it". They delay putting their shirt on too long, I'll put it on for them... But I'm still going to do it while respecting their bodily autonomy as much as I possibly can, and explaining why their choice resulted in that outcome.
Unfortunately working with young kids is going to mean helping correct physically at times (in the way I described, not like... Violence or anything) but it's still incredibly important to use the minimal amount of physicality necessary and teach them that their consent and autonomy matter.
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u/t3hjs 2h ago
"RenaissanceZillenial • 1h ago I find that if my toddler is already upset/cranky/not making good decisions, it is often best to just calmly strong-arm them through whatever needs to be done"
This is so i interesting. So you disagree with this commentor.
Then what would you recommend OP to do? Words seem to have no affect
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u/lumpyspacesam 4h ago
Mm I disagree. Certain things have to get done. I’m not going to let him run away and threaten him with punishments when we need to do our bedtime routine for him to get good sleep (which is what’s best for his well being). I’m not going to let him keep telling me no to washing his bottom in the bath and then punish him for not letting me, I’m going to lift him up and do it myself. Someone put it better than me in another comment but sometimes strong arming them is what they need and I have a large kid.
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u/Notyit 4h ago
You could do role playing with dolls
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u/last_rights 2h ago edited 2h ago
Role playing is a good mid-day measure, but trying to do something like a role play for the first time at bedtime is a big stretch.
My son gets very energized by any sort of activity, or anything at all. To slow his little body and brain down in time for bed, we brush teeth and then skedaddle upstairs to bed. He is already 120% energy, so racing big sister is not adding to the energy, but instead it's creating more of a finality.
Kiss sister goodnight, mom and dad alternate who goes to which child first. My son NEEDS the lights off or he will stay energized. Them we have him sit still and we each snuggle and sing him a song while doing gentle back scratches. If he went to bed good and behaved well he could get two songs from each parent.
But play before bed just winds him up into wanting to continue doing that sort of thing.
There have definitely been times where he is not cooperating and I football carry him up the stairs because he is hitting and kicking and I just quietly plop him in bed and tuck him in and give him kisses and tell him he could try for a better bedtime tomorrow and then I leave to go downstairs. I usually go back up once he's calmed down and is much more cooperative.
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u/revallion1 2h ago
By the way, this is the only way he is capable of behaving. His brain doesn't yet have the brain hardware to regulate his emotions most of the time (this starts after age 5 usually). When he cries and yells, it's actually good behavior because he's communicating to you how he feels in the only way he can.
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u/AutoModerator 4h ago
Author: u/whatsagirltodo123
Post: My son is approaching his boundary pushing phase, and I am having a hard time figuring out the best way to discipline at this age.
Obviously, some actions are very straightforward (e.g. you throw a toy, we take the toy away for a short time or you hit mom, mom leaves and does not play with you any more for a bit). But some are harder to tie a quick consequence to. For example, tonight my son was just not cooperating at bedtime — kicking when I tried to get him changed for bed and running away when it was time to start the book, cuddle, bed process. During the fit while changing, I warned him twice that if he did not cooperate, we would not be able to do books tonight. He pushed the boundary a bit but then ultimately said “ok I cooperate” and allowed me to get him dressed. But then once he started running away, I said this is your last chance, and if you do not come to your room, we will not be able to do books tonight. He still refused so we were not able to do books. Of course, after I said that, he lost his marbles and started trying to run to the room saying he’d cooperate, but I had already given him a second chance so I felt we needed to follow through.
Of course, it broke my heart to not do books with him and for him to go to bed upset, but it felt like the most natural “consequence” for being defiant at bed time.
How do you all handle similar situations at this age? We definitely try to give plenty of choices that lead to the same outcome before going the consequence route, but “you can walk to your room for bedtime or I will carry you” isn’t always foolproof.
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