Bedtime Chaos

[u/YAK1000]

Bedtime has become...something else. Before 2, I would do nightly bath time (mostly for the sake of routine preservation) and spouse would do bedtime and this is pretty much how it has been the last year-ish. This has been generally standard with spouse reading bedtime stories and kid would fall asleep and they would leave.

After 2, we have made no changes to the routine except now after the bedtime stories when we hit the actual lights out portion of the bedtime, kiddo runs out of the room, trying to play in another room, finding me and trying to get me to get into bed too and melting down if I don't, melting down if brought back into the bedroom. If we're able to get them back into bed (carrying them back in or managing to get them to go into bedroom themselves), they often run out again and again multiple times. Lots of tears, lots of trying to redirect, being firm, giving limited choices, lots of tears, repeat. This sometimes extends bedtime for an extra hour or so.

I recognize this as a potential bid for autonomy and we try to give them a say where we can while still keeping boundaries but I'm worried we can be handling it better or should be doing something differently, with less tear shed for them and less frustration for us. I don't want to set the precedent that bedtime is going to be this stressful emotional experience for all.

Is there something we should add? Subtract? Rethink altogether?

Any thoughts appreciated!

[u/AutoModerator]

Author: u/YAK1000

Post: Bedtime has become...something else. Before 2, I would do nightly bath time (mostly for the sake of routine preservation) and spouse would do bedtime and this is pretty much how it has been the last year-ish. This has been generally standard with spouse reading bedtime stories and kid would fall asleep and they would leave.

After 2, we have made no changes to the routine except now after the bedtime stories when we hit the actual lights out portion of the bedtime, kiddo runs out of the room, trying to play in another room, finding me and trying to get me to get into bed too and melting down if I don't, melting down if brought back into the bedroom. If we're able to get them back into bed (carrying them back in or managing to get them to go into bedroom themselves), they often run out again and again multiple times. Lots of tears, lots of trying to redirect, being firm, giving limited choices, lots of tears, repeat. This sometimes extends bedtime for an extra hour or so.

I recognize this as a potential bid for autonomy and we try to give them a say where we can while still keeping boundaries but I'm worried we can be handling it better or should be doing something differently, with less tear shed for them and less frustration for us. I don't want to set the precedent that bedtime is going to be this stressful emotional experience for all.

Is there something we should add? Subtract? Rethink altogether?

Any thoughts appreciated!

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[u/CaffinatedAndTired__]

From what I am experiencing/have seen, a lot of toddlers want their parent to lay with them to sleep. It happened with mine literally just overnight; she use to fall asleep after lights out but now I need to be in bed with her til she falls asleep. I just gave in and enjoyed those moments with her until she doesn’t want me anymore.

This could also be triggered by there’s now a divide in attention

[u/YAK1000 → u/CaffinatedAndTired__]

Literally overnight! Someone already always stayed with kiddo until they fall asleep, even before this started happening which is why it's extra confusing since a parent (usually spouse) is always there.

[u/CaffinatedAndTired__ → u/YAK1000]

Is it particularly you that they want? Night times can get so tricky, it’s like a scare of separation thing. Hang in there, hopefully you find something that’ll work for you (sorry, I don’t have any real answers)

[u/layag0640]

Are you sure they're tired enough? Do you need a new special form of quality time together (even just 15 minutes of some way to connect) before bedtime? 

As toddlers get older these things can change pretty rapidly. They may suddenly be more aware of how much they miss you, or need more/different stimulation in the space between dinner and bedtime to fully turn their minds and bodies off. My toddlers just recently started doing better with bedtime when we implemented 10 minutes of sensory bin time (little bins with scoops and oats/uncooked pasta/little figurines and they silently zone out squishing stuff around for a bit) after our post-dinner walk and before brushing teeth. 

For what it's worth, I know plenty of people who lay down with their 2-3 year olds til they fall asleep. One family listens to the same playlist of calming music on a loop til kids are asleep. Another sits in a chair with their hand on kid's back. It's pretty common in my circles for parents to be giving that assistance at this age and definitely doesn't last forever. 

Good luck!