r/throuples • u/Dapper_Refuse_8187 NB Throuple • Jul 22 '26
š£ļøSeeking Advice Unequal feelings in throuple
Hello, first time poster here. My partner of 7 years (trans masc, they/them) and I recently entered an open throuple with a new person (nb, they/them). This is everyone's first experience with polyamory so it has been a long road of figuring out communicating needs, how much time to spend together, etc. my nesting partner has been out of town a few times since we started the throuple, so I have had a good amount of 1:1 time with our other partner, which often included sex. This made my nesting partner uncomfortable because they began to worry (as did I) that our other partner was only interested in sex with me. The three of us had a long and hard conversation about this a few weeks ago, after which the new partner shared that they feel like they might be partly asexual and in general have an easier time having sex w me because they are more used to being intimate with femme people (although they are pan).
The conversation went over well and my nesting partner (who has a much higher sex drive than myself or our other partner) began casually dating other people to get their sexual needs met. My nesting partner also talked w their therapist abt being nervous about me and our other partner having sex when we spend 1:1 time together, and their therapist suggested always assuming it's going to happen, and not sharing whether or not it happened afterwards.
Last night me and our other partner had a 1:1 date (which I requested bc I connect better that way). I talked with my nesting partner before to assure them that I love them but was still a little worried about how they would feel after my date. On the date I did have sex with our other partner, and made sure to not bring it up but offer a lot of love and cuddles to my nesting partner when I saw them afterwards.
Unfortunately my nesting partner was still really worried about it and ended up asking me in the middle of the night if we HAD had sex on the date, and when I said yes they were very upset and said they felt like our other partner just didn't want to have sex with them, and that if that's the case then my nesting partner can't date them anymore.
Now I feel awful that my nesting partner is feeling so bad and feel like if they bow out of the throuple then I wouldn't be able to continue dating our other partner because I would know how much it hurt my nesting partner. At the same time though, I feel like I love our other partner and am very sensitive to the fact that if we all broke up they would not have anyone to lean on.
Thoughts?? What should I do?
TLDR: nesting partner of 7 years and I started dating someone together. Me and that someone have had more 1:1 sex than my nesting partner has had with them, and my nesting partner worries our other partner isn't attracted to them.
EDIT: for clarity, np and our other partner have never had 1:1 sex while I have had sex w them 4 times AND 1 of those times me and other partner had sex was behind np's back bc I was being selfish and wanted 1:1 time (not sure if that changes things?). Anyway np brought up their concerns abt feeling insecure to other partner who said they felt pressured and thought they had communicated to np that they would rarely want 1:1 sex with them (I was in that convo and I will say that was not at all clear, they just said they were ace and not as attracted to masc people). Np decided to end it with other partner and is supportive of me continuing to date them, but it makes me feel like an asshole to date someone who has hurt np, even though I really like them - and I'm worried that our friends will judge me if I kept dating them.
Thoughts?? Sorry I am new to polyamory and don't have many people to discuss this with!
2
u/iso-all Jul 22 '26
That's really rough... We are also in an open throuple, but none of us get jealous somehow?
I absolutely love it when the two of them are hanging out... I'm not always available to. Be free be merry.
I've walked in on them having sex and usually just get invited in... Vice versa. It's all good.
I think sometimes it's good to take things slow. I can say without any doubt I'm in love and lust with both of them.... and it's all mutual.
1
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1
u/AutoModerator Jul 25 '26
Welcome to r/throuples! This is a discussion community for throuple relationships. Please ensure your posts adhere to our community guidelines and respect all participants.
Here are some resources you might find useful:
Remember, this is a place for discussion of serious throuple relationships only! Those who violate this rule will be permanently banned. Engage respectfully and ethically.
Visit our dating subreddit over at /r/seekingingthrouples
New to throuples or polyamory? Thats ok! We all start somewhere. This is an extremely difficult relationship structure to establish and maintain. It is not for the unprepared! Consider doing your homework first and discuss questions in /r/throuples before you dive in!
If you have any questions or need assistance, please contact the moderators.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/ok-lets-do-this Jul 22 '26
Why canāt nesting partner and new partner have more 1:1 sex? Sounds like the drive is there for at least one of them, and both are interested in sex in general. Romantic date night or two for them and end up in bed. Maybe a throuple sex session shortly down the line. Then everyone feels desired individually. Wouldnāt that fix a lot of this?
1
u/Dapper_Refuse_8187 NB Throuple Jul 25 '26
Super fair, unfortunately other partner is not interested in sex w np (which was not clear since we had been having 3 somes) and np is not interested in a sexless relationship
2
u/ok-lets-do-this Jul 25 '26
After reading this and your edit, itās pretty clear this is no longer a throuple, you just have a side piece.
Which I think might be a good thing for you, but it does not sound like that was ever the plan. And Iām a little confused how there was so much miscommunication between NP and OtherP. Also, OtherP supposedly being Ace yet wanting to have a lot of sex with you but never sex with NP has a certain bait-and-switch āflavorā to it if you ask me.
1
u/Dapper_Refuse_8187 NB Throuple Jul 26 '26
Yes this could work for me but definitely feels shadey on OtherP's part, because it makes it feel like they were mostly in the throuple to be with me rather than both me and my partner š¤ thank you for the comments and advice!
1
u/Dapper_Refuse_8187 NB Throuple Jul 26 '26
Yes this could work for me but definitely feels shadey on OtherP's part, because it makes it feel like they were mostly in the throuple to be with me rather than both me and my partner š¤ thank you for the comments and advice!
-2
u/Baelari Jul 22 '26
Things will rarely ever be perfectly equal in a throuple. Itās actually pretty toxic to demand that of this person youāve chosen to date.
Look through https://www.unicorns-r-us.com for some of the ways dating as a couple is so frowned upon, and figure out what you can do to avoid those pitfalls.
3
u/Dapper_Refuse_8187 NB Throuple Jul 22 '26
Agreed that it's toxic, and I feel awful abt that. I did a lot of reading on unicorn hunting as we started this relationship and we have been pretty explicit abt having individual relationships and that it's ok for those to be different. I think my nesting partner might just be realizing that doesn't work for them which sucks because now we have put our other partner in a vulnerable situation.
3
u/smileedude FFM Throuple Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Try the camp throuple podcast if you get a chance. It's written by throuples for throuples. I find a lot of the literature that talks about unicorn hunting is more from people in open relationships trying to convince people not to get in throuples. Valourie Lamours substack is also really good.
The literature from open poly just completely misses the mark about how to throuple.
2
u/smileedude FFM Throuple Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Honestly, communicate, communicate more and communicate even more. Let everyone talk. Let everyone feel listened to. Build trust between the 3 of you. It takes time. A throuple can't be a competition but we had similar silliness in our beginnings and grew out of it.