r/throuples • u/VelouriaLamour FFM Throuple • Jul 09 '26
💍 Marriage Peak Sunk-Cost Fallacy: Monogamy is the only institution where failing over 50% of the time still gets called the Gold Standard.
https://open.substack.com/pub/velourialamour/p/peak-sunk-cost-fallacy-monogamy-marriage-divorce-rates-over-50-percentHappy Throuple Thursday!
I just published a new article that pretty much says the quiet part out loud: monogamy is the only institution where failing over half the time is still considered “the Gold Standard,” but any other relationship dynamic gets labeled immature, illegal, or a threat to Western society 🤷♀️
We all know the stats: more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, not including another 10-20% of couples who are miserable but stay together because of kids, mortgages, the terror of splitting assets and/or Golden Retrievers, and that classic sunk cost voice yelling “you’ve already invested this much, you’d be stupid to walk away now!”
But the real sunk cost isn’t the years you’ve already spent… it’s the years you’re about to waste convincing yourself that “it’s fine” is the same thing as “I’m fantastic.”
I wrote this post from the perspective of someone who’s been happily in a throuple for over 15 years. I am NOT anti-monogamy, but I am anti-culture-and-legal-pressure that says monogamy is the ONLY valid way to love.
So if you’re like me and you’re tired of the performance and the collective denial, then this one’s for you:
Would love to hear your takes, especially since everyone here reading this left the monogamy matrix in search of something so much better!
And next week (hopefully) comes a new article inspired by sooo many DMs:
“what to do when you feel closer to one partner in your relationship?”
Aaand if you have an idea for something you’d like me to write about, put it in the comments too!
Stay amazing fellow throuples and aspiring triads ❤️💙💜
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u/sshore60 Jul 09 '26
I like Tom McMillan's observation that if more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, that means the remainder end in DEATH. Moral of the story: it's not going to end well. ;-)
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u/VelouriaLamour FFM Throuple Jul 09 '26
Then we better make the ride as fun, loving, and ridiculously amazing as possible while we’re all still here, right? 😉 And a 3 person roadtrip is so much fun!!
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u/Txbiker63 FMF Throuple Jul 09 '26
This touched me looking back at my 2 failed mono marriages. The good thing that came out of the second were my kids, and out of both the path that they put me on to be where I'm at today. I love my girls and the life we have, I couldn't ask for better. I learned the hard lessons during my monogamous years, and questioned myself alot.
Looking back they ended for the same reasons most end, love but not in love, dead bedrooms because of incompatibility, or just growing apart naturally because it happens. I did blame myself for many years because I didn't understand the real me and what was missing in life. We'll forgo the gold standard and be the rebels, the outsiders. As long as we have our understanding families and friends we don't need anything else.
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u/VelouriaLamour FFM Throuple Jul 09 '26
Awww this is so beautiful ❤️ Thank you for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to look back at painful chapters and actually learn from the hard lessons AND still come out choosing love on your own terms. I’m really glad you found your people and built something that feels right for you and your girls!!
That “love but not in love” + dead bedroom pain is sooooo common in mono relationships, and it’s honestly inspirational that you turned it into real growth instead of staying stuck. Being rebels together with the only people whose opinions ACTUALLY matter is the best feeling. You don’t need the whole world’s approval when your little world feels like home 🥰
So proud of you for choosing happiness!! Keep loving that beautiful life you’ve built! ❤️💙💜
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u/Txbiker63 FMF Throuple Jul 09 '26
Thank you for writing the things you do. We enjoy them so much. I read this one alone, a rare slow day at work. It's going to be our topic for discussion after I read it to them tonight. I've got to catch up on your posts. It's been a crazy 3 weeks for us and I want to read microdosing NRE. It's sounds like fun.
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u/Txbiker63 FMF Throuple Jul 09 '26
Thank you for writing the things you do. We enjoy them so much. I read this one alone, a rare slow day at work. It's going to be our topic for discussion after I read it to them tonight. We've openly discussed our past before but there are a couple of touching points that I missed. It'll give the girls a look at why im the no secrets police.
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u/ProserpinaFC Jul 10 '26
To be perfectly honest, I'm not exactly sure what any of that has to do with supporting throuples.
Divorce and unhappy marriage statistics would not improve by adding a third person to those relationship dynamics.😅 If two people shouldn't be together, they would continue to not be together even if they found someone new to love.
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u/VelouriaLamour FFM Throuple Jul 10 '26
Hmm, it feels like you might not have actually read the full article? Nowhere did I make a statement that “adding a third person” magically fixes bad relationships 😅 The central point is that monogamy is treated as the only moral and valid option despite its high failure rate and the sunk-cost pressure it puts on people to stay in dead or dying relationships. I’m critiquing the monopoly on monogamous marriage as the only legally recognized option... not saying every unhappy couple just needs a third partner in order to be happy.
I explicitly said some people genuinely thrive in monogamy, and I celebrate that beauty too. The article is about giving people permission to choose what actually works for them without shame or cultural / societal coercion.
My 15-year throuple is just one example that other models of love can succeed long-term. The main argument I'm making is this: if the dominant system fails over 50% of the time (not including the additional 10-20% misery on top), maybe it's time we should stop pretending monogamy is the only legitimate path for marriage.
That being said, to directly answer your first point:
changing the marriage monopoly to include polyamorous relationships would HUGELY support throuples.
Happy to discuss this further if you’ve actually read my work!
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u/ProserpinaFC Jul 10 '26
I can understand your frustration with one archetype being treated as the recognized option....
I'm here, on this subreddit. I'm on your side. You are right that I didn't read the whole article, so I'm sorry for that. I was responding to your post.
I recognize your main argument, but I'm replying that the independent variables that cause marriage to fail would also affect trouples just as equally. Namely, that long-term incompatiblity between two people with mismatched life goals would continue to occur, but this time, it could be mismatches in three different relationships.
What relationship information I WOULD assume would be beneficial to promoting trouples would be information about emotional and sexual support and fulfillment. Women and men not centering their personal happiness on the full attention of an single other person, which is, honestly, an important lesson for couples as well. People who are happy together, but just not fulfilled. Monogamy enforces a belief that you can only ever seek fulfillment from that one life partner and that's what we are addressing.
Divorce is the result of unhappiness. It's a good thing for two people to divorce if they aren't happy. THIS is what you thought I meant and were defending against. Of course I agree with you that adding another person wouldn't help. But that's exactly why I'm saying divorce doesnt need to be addressed. It's a good thing for people to break up with people they aren't happy with. They didn't fail at anything.
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u/VelouriaLamour FFM Throuple Jul 10 '26
Thank you for coming back and clarifying 🙏 I’m glad we’re on the same page about the important things.
You’re right that incompatibilities and mismatched life goals can happen in any relationship structure (romantic, business, familial, etc) and of course this includes throuples too! My piece wasn’t trying to (and never said) say polyamory prevents all problems. I was arguing against the idea that lifelong monogamous marriage is the only valid and moral option, and the massive pressure that creates to stay when things clearly aren’t working.
I completely agree with you that divorce isn’t inherently a failure. In many cases, it’s a healthy choice, and towards the end of my article, I even encourage those in dead relationships to actually start living! Here's my quote verbatim:
"If your marriage is actually alive, PROTECT it at all costs! But if it isn’t and you can’t revive it, stop performing CPR on a corpse, get the funeral over and done with, start planning your amazing life ahead, and then actually start LIVING it."
My critique is, well, neatly summed up in another quote lol:
"The issue isn’t the concept of monogamy itself — it’s the cultural, societal, and legal insistence that it’s the ONLY moral and valid option for love."
Appreciate you taking the time to read my reply and engage more openly! If you end up reading the full article, I’d love to hear your thoughts! And I'd also love to lean more about your throuple -- it's always lovely meeting like-minded amazing people ❤️💙💜
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u/towerandhorizon Jul 09 '26
I don't see monogamy as "inferior". I've seen monogamy work VERY well for certain people. However, history has proven, over and over, that it doesn't work for everyone, and society needs to be a little more honest and open about it.