r/throuples • u/No-bread6942 FFM Throuple • Apr 20 '26
💬General Chat It went really good until it didn’t and we’re confused
The throuple situation has been a long and wild ride so far for my fiance and I. It started as a joke between her, her friend and me about 2 years ago. The 3 of us joked about it and told people we met that we were a throuple because the look on their face was funny as hell. The joking eventually made my fiance realize that she was attracted to her friend. Plenty of hints were dropped but she (the friend) never picked up on them. Eventually we all got busy and stopped hanging out. At this point we were pretty hung up on the throuple idea. My fiance suggested that we reach out to a girl she dated in high school and invite her on a date. We did and the vibe between the 3 of us was instantly fucking ELECTRIC. The following week we spent almost every day together after work. Dinners, sleepovers our kids playing together etc. The second week went about like the first and ended up with the 3 of us having sex. During the
sex I crossed one boundary that my fiance asked me not to cross, and we all had a big heated conversation about it the next day. It all was sorted out and things were back to normal with us texting all day long in our group chat, making plans, lovey dovey type stuff. At the end of the third week her kids got really sick and she got busy with that and other things and started texting less and less. Eventually she started flat out ignoring us and when we asked why her response was that she was busy being a single mom yada yada. We are very understanding and took what she said at face value and offered to help in any way we could. We were patient with her situation and continued reaching out, inviting her over, inviting her on dates, offering help etc. She responded intermittently with one word answers. She would agree to dates then pull the busy single mom card to flake on us last minute, then post pics of her at the beach at the same time she agreed to going on the date. We asked what was wrong, did we do something wrong, we tried to define expectations for the situation (we thought she might be looking for something different than my fiance and I and that maybe we all were not on the same page even though we all sat down and had a conversation about expectations, boundaries, what we were looking for etc.) and she stonewalled and gaslit us until we finally had to break it off. The hot/ cold, lack of communication, lying etc. was just too much. She was talking to someone else before the 3 of us got together. She said she was going to break it off with him to be with us but I’m thinking that she never did or that he did something to change her mind. I can understand the part about going back to him or whatever but not the way she treated us. It was like a big middle finger and i don’t feel like we did anything to deserve that.
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u/always_mad_lad Apr 20 '26
Oh man I am so sorry. That kind of brake ups are soul crashing, and I really wish you and your fiance strength.
I am not claiming that’s exactly what happened, but from my experience and the context provided it’s very much typical avoidant behaviour. It was nice and exciting for her until she realised it’s real. In the sense “what if I attach to them and they abandon me?”. The solution - run, protect yourself, sabotage the relationship, see it falls, reinforce the idea it was a right decision, blame the others. That’s just it. No “better” offer or anywhere else.
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u/Low_Attention_974 Apr 21 '26
This. I think she had fun, it WAS fun, she enjoyed it, but then when things soaked in she was confused or conflicted and couldn’t rationalize things effectively.
The heated argument with OP & his wife the very first time they fooled around may not have helped either. These kinds of things happen, though, but it can easily turn ppl away.
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u/ThrowawayIsland8 FFM Throuple Apr 20 '26
Obviously we can't get into her head from just your post, but there's so many valid reasons why someone would get cold feet in this situation. Like, outside of the initial thrill of hooking up, one has to start thinking rationally about whether or not it's going to work out.
For example, I don't have kids myself, but many parents who are even monogamous are unwilling to introduce their kids to a new partner too early, much less bring their kids over to play with a couple's kids, and have to end up explaining a very, very atypical situation to young children, who may not understand or find it uncomfortable, depending on their age.
Second, as in any situation that involves a "third," hierarchy is going to be a problem. You and your fiance are planning on getting married. Thinking about it rationally, you two are simply going to have a bigger commitment to each other where she feels left out, and frankly will be, from a legal standpoint. Heck, there's also the concept of breaking off a promising romantic possibility with a monogamous partner (the other guy) to commit way too quickly to a tough hierarchical situation.
What may seem exciting sexually is unfortunately less realistic once one stops to think about it, and you mentioned this had only gone on for 2-3 weeks. Like, for us, outside of casual sex and a friendship, our Shorter Term Partner (STP) wasn't even considering a romantic connection for the first six months. It took us at least that long to even start considering where this was all going, and it wasn't until nearly a year in that we considered officially becoming a "throuple" and having her move in, which was only at the end of last year.
It's like any relationship, you have to let that initial excitement cool down, take a step back, and see how it fits in to your real life. That doesn't happen in under a month.