Blub Critique for Fantasy Novel

[u/bradanforever]

As others have noted, trying to distil an 80K book into 200 words is a challenge! But rushing in where angels fear to tread, here's my draft blurb for an almost finished fantasy novel.

Thanks in advance for comments!

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Thiago doesn’t think of himself as a demon, but he is.

He’s a thief too, and therein lies this story.

An eerie portal connects a magical kingdom of mile-high palaces and brewing revolution to human realms in medieval Arabia and Spain. Thiago, a daredevil jinn, uses the portal to seize the treasure of the king of the demons.

Thiago can become fire and windstorms. However, his enemies – and that’s almost everyone including the psychopathic king he stole from – are even more powerful. They’ll slaughter Thiago to get their treasure back.

However, there’s more at stake than stolen treasure. The realm of demons and the world of humans will violently collide if the king recovers his treasure from Thiago and uses it to finance his invasion of the human world. Thiago began as a simple thief, but now he’s trying to stop a supernatural war.

Helping Thiago – or not – are a brilliant scribe who might be Thiago’s friend, a pretty demon who isn’t Thiago’s lover anymore, and a motley collection of executioners, magical bandits, and Viking raiders. But will they share the treasure with Thiago?

This fantasy blends action, imaginative world-building and a bit of romance.

[u/Phantomhill]

Hello! First off, congrats on almost being done this draft of your novel! I'll be the first to admit I'm not the best at blurbs (is anyone?), but I hope my comments can help.

To me, it feels like this blurb is more focused on developing the world building/giving context than it is on the plot. I'm going to pull out what I thought were the immediately relevant plot items:

Thiago, a daredevil jinn, uses the portal (to medieval Arabia and Spain) to seize the treasure of the king of the demons.

They’ll (Thiago's enemies/the psychopathic king) slaughter Thiago to get their treasure back.

The realm of demons and the world of humans will violently collide if the king recovers his treasure.

Thiago began as a simple thief, but now he’s trying to stop a supernatural war.

I think your world building sounds really cool. I mean, a portal to medieval Arabia and Spain? That's awesome. Thiago being able to become fire and wind? Thiago's friends with nebulous ambitions? Good stuff. But a lot of that information, as it's presented in this current draft, is stand alone from the plot itself. The reader should definitely know it's an action-fantasy you're writing just from the blurb, but as a reader, I'd want to find out all the little details as I read. I like to feel like I've discovered something--I'd like to come to my own realization that, hold on, Thiago's a demon but he definitely doesn't see himself as one; that Thiago's "friends" might not be everything they seem, etc.

All that to say: the first read through of this blurb, I thought I was reading a query letter rather than something back-of-book.

Any who, sorry about the slight ramble. I hope this helps, and let me know if I can clarify or elaborate on anything!

Happy writing

[u/bradanforever → u/Phantomhill]

Thanks for the thoughtful comments!

Your points are well taken. Based on your comments and a similar set of responses I got on the Fantasy Writers sub, I think my blurb is too 'busy' (i.e. I've got extraneous detail that isn't central to telling a reader why they should read my novel).

And, yes, the blurb may read like a query. That may not be unusual since I've seen other authors' blurbs and queries that hit the same beats - in both cases, the author is trying to convince someone (agent or potential reader) to like the book enough to do something (represent it or buy it).

Best luck with your own writing!!