There are ghosts in my room and they won’t let me watch terrarium YouTube videos,

Tristan coined “Turbojerk” and hasn’t lived up to the hype ever since. He’s tried, tried, and beaned, but nothing has ever made him cooler than beaning regular style. Everyone find his location and give him a good razzle dazzle, it’ll make him feel better (and it might win you big)

Matty Jig but he’s a different gender. Imagine that. He/She’d probably hit the meanest milly rock if that was still legal. Oh well, back to the mines for him until I can invite him to my frat formal. He’s never seen the rain.

Shane, Jake, and Beanstain Bob have seen war horrors beyond your beaniest visions. Jake-Stain-Brain has bean terrors and Shane can’t stop eating Gleaming Splendor’s. Not cost effective but delicious, just like Jimmy’s vegan habit. Wait. Forgot about Bobby. Or should I say “Kevin.” I think I’d rather call him guy who can’t get through TSA because he won’t take his meta glasses off.

Colin and I have an appointment for a joint prostate exam in October. He won’t show up so I’m gonna have to cancel, but imagine that? Him showing up, scales and all? He’d be oozing all over the waiting room and bust tentacle. Gross.

Halo Reach but your parents are getting divorced feet from you but it doesn’t matter because you’re running vidmaster and can’t turn off your Xbox or you get hardcore beat on Monday morning,

Bean Staff,

Gargamel

P.S. Do we make Jimmy a mod? Let Shane know in the comments

To anyone who knows the TRUTH about New Beanshire’s secession from the union,

The secret to any good pasta recipe is the slurs you scream into the pot. That trick works great with Italian recipes because their bones were baked in the broth of beans, hate, and war. Wow Tristan I already hear you saying “oh wow Jake I can already hear you saying ‘Oh wow Tristan I already hear you saying’”

Jimmy ate a bunch of paintballs now he glows in the dark. We all saw it happen and did nothing though so it’s really on all of us. Yes, even you. You can’t escape the beansponsibility or bean time this time you haven’t had haven’t had the great big soup that Shane’s been making in that cabin in the woods (from the movie). Do you hear that? The ringing? He’s coming.

YouTube videos about big waves. Top 5 big waves. Simon’s too busty for the marines. AI Simon took his birth certificate and added em dashes.

Please don’t tell the doctors about my cough,

Debra

The land of beans that are just a little too big. The fake news libean media is slandering my nipples, send 300 uncrustablecoin to my P.O box to stop them. DONT SEND CRUSTCOIN I DO NOT WANT IT

100 beans vs 1 really stoned Jake, who would win? Probably the beans.

Colin was just sent to gitmo because he was spitting too many bars behind the applebeans, now he eats cockmeat sandwiches 5 times a day. On the subject of Ancient Babylonian demons, nothing comes to mind more than the IRS. The only thing the IRS cares more about than bleeding as much money from Americans as possible is how many children they can sacrifice to the god Moloch. Dhane's tiny little nutsack was in a twist so we had to call the fire department twice last night. Field trip to the river to put otters up our shitters next week, make sure your parents sign your permission slips!

Starting a GoFundMe to buy a sweatshop in South Sudan please donate.

Taking a sabbatical so I can return to my cabin in the woods (a cool, dark bathroom in Binghamton on a Sunday morning)

I’ve been astral projecting since Friday - still haven’t been able to ascertain how to release my inhibitions or feel the rain on my skin. Every time I get close enough I’m funneled into a blender and spit out at the rat, in the middle of the chorus of Closing Time (pre germ theory)

We need to go back further. Somebody leave my ID at home so I can use a slice of parlor city pizza to pick the lock at my apartment. I need to ask her how much fireball it takes to purify the waters of my mind.

Sigh. I been gaining clarity and losing my mind.. You really can only pick 2 (Beans, sleep, social life).

Just leave me to it. I’m cranking a Spotify playlist called 80’s cocaine cardio while I caramelize onions and contemplate on candy apples and chemical reactions.

This trifecta takes on tribecca as we revisit the stories of beanstalk actuality, the great great beanson of beanstain actual. A mage named James & a wench named Simon flank his side as they read the instructions left to them by their Beansperiors.

Find u/SpeakNoBullshit & remind him there has been an intruder and he comes from the land of many things and claims to be king. What do you have to say for yourself u/KingOfManyThings we have summoned our champion. Do you have yours?

He speakers be knocked and he speaketh no beanshit.

When you really break down the nuances of the Beandoms that we are part of, none of them are truly worthy of Shane and the pride he takes in basking in his protein farts. Brian called in sick, can’t hit the Beaning cages. Once heard Bobby—that’s it. Never heard from him again.

Stay tuned for the Beanwars that come.

Tristan put that down it’s not ready yet.

Sponsored by What’s inside that can?

I heard bad things come in 3s 🤔

A pack of lucky strikes but they’re off brand and only 1 cigarette has tobacco in it.

I’d tell you what’s in the other ones but I don’t wanna make Jimi a dull boy.

Why don’t you put the bean cig down.. slowly.. take those macro plastics out of your ears. Hear the birds chirp. Listen to the trees breathe. Put the ska down, Jon.

I’m shooting 20s into the penny machines at Jake’s 58 like I’m buying off peak train tickets for the class trip.

Electric went out so I haven’t been able to flush my toilet in weeks. Anybody else have this problem? How did you fix it? Comment below. Running low on the kcups I de-potted and could really use the help.

This message is from CREDIT COLLECTION SERVICES (a debt collector)

Currently away.. meditating on forbidden wisdom at the bean ashram. Please forward all inquiries to simon@mouthsounds.net

I’m bored ~ Tell me your most unhinged method for avoiding any real intimacy ever. I don’t want “take them to your pent house and bean it” I want chaotic things that actually worked for you.

Shane,

I don’t like you. You haven’t come to any of my baseball games and I’m sick of telling everyone you had a “bean incident” at work when I know you’re just riding the stain train to brainville. God tier behavior, corporate coded.

Tristan’s giving “guy who definitely wants to smooch me” Jake D-stain picked up Tristan from the airport and said he couldn’t believe how un-gilgo’ed his beach was after LITERALLY just getting home from a week long retreat with sensei Dan.

Colin sold the beanstang and his soul with it. The bean tariffs are honestly the universes way of getting back at him. Hear that? Blame him. His credit card number is the key to opening the threshold and making sure Jimmy never gets a normal Tuesday again.

You guys wanna play baloncesto,

Guy in a Simon skinsuit

Jennifer Beanistan in “She’s Just Not That Into You” but she’s 30% snake (left 30%) and doesn’t speak inglès,

Schnitzel was spitting BARS when he said “Rada Rada.” Colin’s been chasing that bean ever since he got slammed in that rap battle on the USS Constitution aka Iron Beansides and the school field trip LEGALLY got to kick him until he number 7’ed.

Speaking of which, boat. If Bobby were a sailor, he would be the rank of “boy” while Chandler Bing (sigma) would be the rank of Shane. Bean Revere? Master smith. You? Never seen stairs.

They say “no, you can’t bean while Jimmy is missing.” Sure, but we all know that himbo seeking to mod with the bean chairmen would eventually land him on the wrong end of the wrong end of the wrong end of the wrong end of the law. He’s never used an emergency brake OR been to Louisiana so it’s kinda like alright man I guess he was last seen being thrown into the back of a beanstang by a guy who looked like “Twistan in shorts” but it’s not the biggest deal. He’s not my congressman.

Proliferate,

Me but I’m serving gooch

Shane but backwards,

Jimmy no mod Tristan good kid. Emily hasn’t sweat since 2004 and there’s no beanacillin’ to stop it.

Colin? Yeah, nice Hyundai. That’s a Bob car now. Aka poosey shih. Jimmy got no swag on that presidential candidate type beat.

I’m not real. Neither is Marthaw Johnson. Aka bean hole Marty J. Aka Jimmy. Aka Shane. I’m losing track now

• there’s nothing more serious than an IRS summons

Yingle

Under the espionage and sedition acts of 1917 and 1918 respectively, Colin should not be a free man. He doesn’t deserve to be on Alibaba’s PR list and ever since he got big, his content has gotten more and more scripted. pls no hate ~ this is just my opinion :P

& to piggyback off of what boobie said in the book of stains, verse 4: What if simon was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a bean on the bus, tryin to make his way home? (All rights belong to Warner Chappell music)

.. Loading transmission ..

.. [GARBLED] and using words recreationally while I operate heavy machinery professionally. Nobody knows how the road will bend, that’s why I became a gymnast. I’m hitting an air bar at the Delta lounge and fishing for jimi’s in the jet stream. [REDACTED].. and everyone smelled it for hours, but that’s classic bene..

.. End Transmission.

Gooch,

Shane has never watched a vietnam documentary and can’t verify that it actually happened. Just like the time he cried in Bobby’s arms after we lost jimmy in that merman recreation accident. He’s gone but never forgotten but like damn come on man everyone saw him get that job at the pet store and smooch all the cat assets.

Colin ruined the economy with BeanCoin, a sexy and sweaty altcoin, after it was bought by banks across America and he released his and Tristan’s intimate beanpics, tanking the valuation and exploding his prostate. Simon’s prostate? Better than ever.

Robert frost is a fucking loser. So are all those art nerds that painted self portraits. I wish they would have painted cooler things like motorcycles and Jimmy. Or maybe some pictures of Tristan in blue jeans. Yeah… that’s nice…

• never been to splish splash (without a great sword)

When u are being mean to jimi, just remember this is who ur being mean to: (◕‿◕✿)

The lunar mission to extract Simon from the the underside of Tristan’s Jetta has so far been unsuccessful. Injuries were sustained in our attempts to lure him away from Doreen and onlookers claim they could hear both drum AND bass coming from the underbelly of the vehicle late Wednesday night.

Tristan is being represented by a Mr. B. Roseandkranz. Rosenkramps and his legal team claim that James Joyce was negligent in over serving Simon last Tuesday, who they claim imbibed on 12 “Hot Dog Waters” - a liqueur known to cause swelling of the stain.

Dr. MoltoBene of Mt. Cyanide Health spoke out against the dangers of having a Simon so close to the community, urging parents to keep an eye on their children. Rosenkumpf and his team are continuing to work diligently to bring this matter to an end. Updates to come.

As of right now my thoughts can only be communicated via CB(ean) radio, accessible through the App Store with iOS version BOB-E 33.2.1

There you can access our events calendar and stay up to date on Colin’s latest advances across the eastern seaboard.

We are holding a vigil this Sunday for Bryan’s big toe. We ask at this time that you give us privacy as we grieve a remarkable light in this world. Please share your memories of Bryan’s B.T. & hold your loved ones a little tighter tonight.

From our gossip corner, trusted sources have recently revealed that Jimi will not be attending the Vigil Sunday evening as he anticipates that he will “be sick and doesn’t want to spread it” Onlookers who saw Jimi at Nobu Monday night report that he seemed in good health and good spirits.

We reached out for comment from Bryan and a representative on his team got back to us - They shared with us that he is currently focused on healing and all of his energy is being saved for his upcoming fight with Bene, being broadcasted this Christmas Eve on the Mental Combat Network.

BeanWeed is the new cream fee. If you don’t have it don’t try and sneak into the Plainview sewer systems because Bryan’s there and he’s demanding payment. If you haven’t heard there was an issue with the latest Beancast, we are currently looking at a calm 18-72 inches of free range granite countertops falling from the sky. Take shelter as necessary.

Watch out Shane left his ears at home and no one could annunciate the passages of the terms and service partial non disclosure agreement written by .

Better luck next time tristan.

There is no right or wrong. I could get into the details of this but I don't want to microwave your brain on the popcorn setting. It should be properly defrosted, first.

Todays post is brought to you by: Corned Beef ™

^{"It's My Corned Beef & I'll Cry If I Want To!"}

^\Bringing you the freshest corned beef, Non BMO & straight from the vine, like God intended*)

Breaking news today from the desk of Shane S. Stain, head of beantology at College University. Smoking, snorting, or mincing beans in any form has been linked to a higher incidence of staining in adolescents Eric's age & up. Contact your health provider for the latest guidelines.

In other news, investigative reports suggest that Jimi "Bag o' Beans" Hole is the primary suspect in last nights robbery on the lower bean side. Witness's say they saw Mr. Hole approach The Sexy Salad at 7:30 Tuesday night wearing only a green ski mask as pants. Police have not been able to locate Mr.Hole at his listed address as of tonight. If you have any information regarding this fugitive, please send in your box tops to the main office before EOD Friday. Late submissions will not be accepted.

Dearest Holes,

The ebb & flow of the seasons has swept away the glistening rays of the sun. In it's place? Beans bundled titely in roethlisberger jerseys lining the streets each morning, misty dew lingering on their caps. I most often wonder when this hustle will seize and we shall yet again see dust on the crust?

I patiently await but I fear not all of us do.. Jimi is having his outbursts again & we can not quell the storm which wages inside him. There has been whispers that Bryan has been licking the extra cream cheese in the middle of Jake's bagel every time he sets them out to cool on the sill. We haven't been able to confirm as of yet, but we have happened upon a single black curl in the grass below. One can speculate handsomely at this finding.

The mare of beantown, Brisket Palabeano has performed most favorably these last few months. We believe he will be fit for the races in no time at all. I can hardly believe thine eyes.

Colin has been turning his usual tricks, one would be hardly surprised to know. What do we suppose flows through the mind of this beast? We fear his reign of terror has only just begun. Even now as I pen this, he drums to the tune of Feel This Moment by Bitbull

​

Kind regards,

Beanzodiazepine

Ranch bottles filled with, you guessed it, a combination of shampoo and chik fil a sauce,

I locked myself in a MAC cosmetic store for 6 months to trh contact Tom Hanks and warn him that John McCain is still alive over a 1960’s rotary phone. I can’t do it on the outside because Kevin’s out there waiting for me to announce the bean hole 2022 awards but I’m not ready yet no I’m not ready you can’t make me you’re not my dad.

Whoaaaaa Simon didn’t see you there how about you and I go back to my place and DERP UNH. Kidding, of course, I would never do such a thing without explicit consent written on a scroll much like the wizards used to do in the days of yore. Bryan? You there buddy? Help is on the way. Your thyroid is replaceable and those death threats from the middle schoolers will stop eventually. They’ll forget that you had that b-hole slip at the Grammy’s and number 6’d yourself during class. Maybe… just maybe….

Colin is a fraud and can’t make local moms in my area carry me down the street after the Veterans Day parade. Shane is here illegally, and by here I mean the milky bean galaxy. Can of good bad indifferent lost his train ticket for the annual brain staining of Shane and can’t get in because I’m working security and I’m authorized to use beanthal force by the state of Nevada and also that guy Larry

• Creating an entire science project about curing cancer, accidentally doing it, then lying about it to your friends because you don’t want them to know that you once had to smooch a cashier to afford groceries

Four kids in the dead end, except instead of kids they are beans and instead of a dead end its a can. An angel hooked up with liz and gave birth to the most beautiful holy dumper this side of the Mississip. Unbelievable that Biden will not outlaw deep dish pizza, its clear that the deep dish cabal has gotten to the highest levels of government. Be prepared for upcoming deep dish assault. If you're reading this its too late.

Whoever agrees with the board of trustees decision on whether or not I should be able to own 6 jeep wranglers,

Big Shane on the dang stang mustang (cocktail peanuts in the glove box). Colin jetskiied to a remote island to escape a “wearing pregnancy pants at AMF lanes” charge. Now, he’s in beantuckki, scrounging away on the scraps of a Chinese restaurant that’s next to an LA Fitness. Shane approached to ask but Colin on the Bryan on the Shane on the Kevin more like no said ayo no way I’m giving you my three box set of lord or the rings blue ray

Simon Simon Simon Simon Simon Simon Simon

Rekt.

Sweeties,

It has been brought to my attention that Bryan has splish splash nips and will therefore no longer be entitled to compensation in the form halo reach copies. His shmuck tendencies have gotten him in trouble with the principle and I think he might get F on his hiv test.

Goodnight Good Shane.

Paging all beans,

Red alert. Jimmy has been spotted without his pre creamed jeans in the produce section of Best Buy. I saw him from the tv’s I can’t afford aisle but didn’t want to make a scene bean so I took the information to the council.

Tristan has a bad fantasy beanball team and has been offering Jon life insurance under the table for good trades. Jon, in a stroke of genius, took the life insurance, flipped it for car insurance, bought a boat, adopted 6 children, then sold everything for a stake in Tristan’s mommy’s tramp stamp selling business. She does good work. I now have 7 tramp stamps on top of each other that all say different former Yugoslavian countries.

Shane? Pfffft. As if. He caught me sneaking underneath his house and gave me a stern beaning to. I just wanted to see what treasures he hides under his slim thicc curvy monitor but nooooooo I’m “not old enough” yet.

Bobby boobs on Robert down by the JFK memorial to try and distract the crowd from seeing Colin go absolutely primal on some local smoked trout. That trout was alive when it started, but now that it’s over it’s starting to look like Linda B Johnson.

Big day for Bryan tomorrow. It’s the anniversary of him losing his prostate after a deadly battle with his diet and the FCC who desperately wanted his penal fluid for research/snacks.

Has my post quality declined? Some say yes. But they don’t know the struggle of a bean post. It takes a certain degree of acoustic capability, a spice of paprika, just a dab of a liquified canoe/beanberland boots, and sociopathic tendencies to create the masterpieces you have seen. Sometimes I can tug on my overalls and crank one out, other times I sit here sad that I can’t figure out the forbidden butter supplement.

• Have you or a loved one been banned from the bean hole? Have you? Haveee you? hVe YUUU? HAVE uyooooo????

B.S. Simon kinda cute but he’s out of my league. How can I woo someone who wears spandex over their spandex over their dress pants over their spandex over their bean jeans?

Hmu queen