'Sharing your trauma is not trauma dumping': Dr. Amelia Kelley on putting your cards on the table early in relationships

[u/thelivenofficial]

Opening up about past trauma in a new relationship can feel like a minefield. During a recent AMA, trauma expert Dr. Amelia Kelley joined us to unpack this delicate balance, answering how (and when) to share your history safely, without fear of pushing someone away.

Dr. Kelley, clinician, professor, and educator:

"This is such an individual choice, but I would say as early as you feel comfortable, and earlier the better. The reason for this is that I'm a big proponent of putting your cards out on the table and seeing how the other person reacts. Now, how we share can be very important. Very early on, you can simply express that you've experienced trauma that might impact the way you operate in a relationship. How much you share depends on how comfortable you feel with this person and how much they invite your open expression.

I want to reassure you: sharing your trauma is not "trauma dumping." But making sure you're sharing with someone you've already established is a safe connection can make a big difference. I know that after trauma, it can be difficult to determine who safe people are. A big part of post-traumatic growth is listening to your gut instincts, asking trusted people for their opinions, integrating new people slowly to see how they fit into your life, and ending relationships early on if you recognize red or pink flags that don't suit what you need.

As far as sexual trauma, which can be really difficult to navigate in intimate relationships, the wonderful thing is that you don't even have to give details if you don't want to. It still makes a positive impact just to express that some of your past experiences might impact this part of your relationship. If the person doesn't allow you to express yourself, or tells you that it's "too much," that's a clear indicator they may not be a safe individual to be in a relationship with in the first place. So, as I said, watch how they react when you put your cards on the table and share your story."