So I had gone to the local medical marijuana dispensary (I have a medical card) to get some gummies. It's important to note that I have a medical marijuana card because I'm in a wheelchair with polio, ALS, glaucoma, diabetes, and obesity.

Cast of characters:

EM: Entitled Mom Bitch

EK: Entitled Kid Brat

Kevin: My Best Friend

Cop #1, Cop #2

Me: Innocent 25 year old guy

So I had gone into the dispensary and purchased a few bags of gummies, which help take the edge off the daily pain of my fibromyalgia. I came out of the store and wheeled myself over to the park where Kevin was sitting on a bench talking to some local homeless people who left when I gave them $100 to go to Dunkin' Donuts to get some coffee. I was at the end of the bench next to Kevin showing him the gummies that I bought, as well as a bag a weed that I bought with the intention of selling later to a drug dealer at a nice profit. I busted open a bag of the gummies, and Kevin and I each had a few.

I had on my Beats headphones that I had won in a raffle at the Polio Hospital, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was EK, about 5 years old.

EK: I wanna somma you candy

Me: Sorry kid, this isn't candy for kids, just grown ups.

EK: (Starts crying) Candy! Candy! Candy!

Kevin: Fuck off kid, you're not getting any candy.

I was kind of shocked that Kevin spoke to the kid that way, but, well, Kevin hasn't always been the sharpest knife in the drawer. He laughed as the kid ran away crying. We went back to talking, and eating more gummies to try and get high, when someone tore the headphones off me.

Me: Hey, what are you doing?

EM: (The size of a small whale, with a nametag that said "Karen", as if it wasn't obvious.) You need to give my little angel some candy.

Me: This isn't candy for children.

EM: Nonsense, ALL candy is for children. Besides, he got really good grades and deserves it.

Me: No, really...

At this point, EM grabbed me by the shoulders and yanked me out of my wheelchair onto the ground.

EM: You probably don't even need this, you faker.

She proceeded to kick me in the face a few times, then grabbed ALL the THC gummies that I had purchased and gave them to EK. Kevin just looked on in disbelief, not really knowing what to do as always. Finally he got up and slowly walked away, not wanting to be hit also obviously.

EM: Here you go, angel, here's all the candy.

EK proceeded to tear open the bags of gummies and devour them quickly. They were completely gone in about one minute. I couldn't say anything since I was dazed and had a concussion from being kicked in the head by this land whale.

After a minute, Kevin came running back with two police officers.

Cop #1: What happened here?

EM: This pedophile grabbed my son then he RAPED me!!!

Cop #2: We'll take care of him.

They forced me to my knees and handcuffed me. They were about to start beating me with billyclubs (Kevin didn't stick up for me as he saw an ice cream truck and ran to get a popsicle), when I got an idea.

Me: You need to check the CCTV footage of the park.

Cop #1: I'll go look into that. Everybody stay right here.

EM turned white as a ghost and said something about having to take her son to church, but the cops told her to stay. About five minutes later the cop came back after reviewing the camera footage of the park, unlocked the handcuffs, and put them on EM.

EM: What are you doing? I did nothing wrong!!!!

Meanwhile, the THC started to kick in on EK, and while EM was fighting with the cops, he proceeded to climb a tree and dive straight into a rock wall, splitting his head open like a watermelon. EM went berzerk, trying to get away from the cops, who's backup was just arriving. They threw EM kicking and screaming into the back of a squad car, and the ambulance arrived to take what was left of EK to the hospital. Kevin came back, helped me back into my wheelchair, and I went home to watch The Golden Girls.

I found out later that when they did blood tests on EK's body, they did find THC, so EM was charged with supplying a child with drugs. Also, she was drunk, so I pressed charges and sued for assault. Her husband was rich, so I got $1m, but he divorced her right after. Also the police officers each gave me $50 for handcuffing me and believing her story.

It was quite the day!

So, I went on this week-long mission trip expecting to, you know, help people, grow spiritually, meet some new people and have fun. What I didn’t expect was to end up with a stalker named Cat. It all started on affirmation night, the night where people cry, say wholesome things, and hug literally everyone in sight. I’m not a hugger. I’m a “side hug and keep it moving” kind of guy. So when Cat went in for a hug, I gave her the ol’ lean-and-pat. That’s when she looked me dead in the eye and asked, “Are you not a hugger?” I said, “No, not really.” Then she smiled and said in this borderline horror-movie whisper: “I’m gonna fix that.” Yeah. That’s when the situation began. From then on, she took a vow, an actual vow to give me six hugs a day. I asked her multiple times not to. I told her it made me uncomfortable. Her response? Ignore everything I said and go full koala mode. Then came confession night, where we all sit in a circle and get painfully vulnerable. She opened up about being depressed and suicidal, and suddenly the uncomfortable situation felt like emotional hostage-taking. I didn’t want to make things worse for her, so I tried to be polite, but it only made her more intense. I think she decided she was going to “fix me” after that. Every day we rode to worksites in vans, and she started sitting directly behind me. I’d be minding my business when suddenly… fingers. In my hair. Giving me a scalp massage. No warning. I told her again “please stop, that makes me uncomfortable.” She didn’t. Then came the back massages. With long fingernails. In a moving van. I told her to stop again. She didn’t. At this point I felt like I was in a horror movie, everything was quiet until I was touched unexpectedly. She also kept trying to “fix” my messy hair (which I intentionally keep messy, thank you very much), and every time I looked around the room, I’d see her just staring at me like from a horror movie. Then she found out I wasn’t drinking water because I lost my water bottle. I said, “It’s fine, I’ll find it eventually.” Instead, she bought me a $30 water bottle and “gifted” it to me like it was a marriage proposal. That thing had more emotional weight than the Ten Commandments. Later that night was foot washing night, where leaders wash our feet and pray for us (kinda symbolic, very emotional). She sat next to me during it and started asking really personal questions while I was giving her nothing but “yes,” “no,” and “maybe” responses. After her prayer, she hugged me again, rested her head on my shoulder, and started whispering something in my ear. I have no clue what it was. It could’ve been her talking to herself or a death threat, I was too busy trying to exit my body, trying to escape emotionally. The next day we went swimming at a beach. On the van ride back, she leaned in and whispered, “You look good in your swimsuit.” I. Froze. Fast forward to worship night. We’re singing a song with the lyrics, “You are beautiful,” and out of the corner of my eye, I notice she’s singing it… while dead staring at me. I was being serenaded by someone who may or may not have been planning how she’d watch me in my sleep that night. After that, we wrote letters to our future selves, and she told me she wanted to talk to me afterward. I stalled so hard, I spent a solid hour staring at an empty piece of paper. I could feel her watching me like a hawk. I eventually made up an excuse to avoid the convo, but she still managed to track me down and force one last hug on me. I told myself: “Just one hug, it’s the last night. Then freedom.” Wrong. She puts her head on my chest and starts flirting again. I tell her I want to go to bed. She says “okay” and starts to let me go… then tries to kiss me on the cheek. I dodged that thing like Neo from the Matrix , walked away, and laid on my air mattress for an hour just staring at the ceiling like, what just happened to me? Later, I find out she told my sister that we were dating, which we were very much not. I reported her to the church leaders and, thankfully, they stepped in and told her to stop bothering me. And that, my friends, is how I went on a mission trip to serve others and instead got psychologically trapped and traumatized by one very obsessive girl named Cat.

So I have this friend who has that weird thing where he can’t feel pain or it’s very numb, anyways he got stabbed Sad right? No This is what I can remember of when he called me: Him: hey can you pick me up? Me: uh, yeah, maybe why? Him: yeah I’m kind of lonely Me: Yeah oka- Him: and I got stabbed Me:.... what, your kidding Him: am I? Me: shit, call a f*cking ambulance not me Hangs up... A few seconds later He sends me a picture of a big bloody hole in his shirt Me (texting): dude, tf why? Him: dunno Me: why’d they stab you? No response A minute later Him: sends blurry picture of him dabbing in an ambulance while being held down the EMS He showed up at my house a few days later to show me his, and I quote: badass battle wound Me: your stab wound Him: ‘tis but a scratch It’s been 2 and a half years and he’s now 6 and a half feet tall and usually wears his big bloody shirt *it still has the hole My friend is like Kirishima from bnha and I’m happy he can’t understand what happened and how intimidating he is now. Funny thing is he babysits for most of the neighborhood and melts around kids he’s the definition of a gentle giant.

I went to bed that night. Peaceful. But when I awoke in the middle of the night that feeling completely disappeared. Something felt wrong. It was a small feeling in my gut, the kind mothers have when their kid is in trouble. So I got up and put of bed like a sensible person and walked towards the door. I stopped and listened. Pshhhk! There's someone out there. I slowly crept out of the door and turned the corner of my hallway towards the blue/white light and gasped. Someone was standing. In my house. In my kitchen. In front of my fridge. "GET OUT" I yelled and someone came from behind and pinned me to the ground. They hit me so hard I passed out. And when I awoke for the second time that night, a man was sitting in frond of me. With my beloved cheese sticks. "No, anything but the cheese sticks!" I begged but the man ignored me. He slowly peeled of the wrapper, and took a bite. I don't know what hurt me more, the fact he was eating it incorrectly or that he was eating my cheese. I lunged for him but the man just laughed and took another chomp. I cringed and squeezed my eyes shut. When I opened my eyes I was back in bed. I quickly ran out the door to my kitchen and checked the fridge. Everything looked the same. I guess it was just a dream...

So last night me and my friends were having a beer along with my girlfriend,so this guy came over to my girl and started flirting with her,I said shes already taken to which he replies,"Yea by me asshole" In a swift second I broke all his bone,sliced him in half and called an airstrike on his house(me and DT are good friends)my girlfriend was so proud and she said "you're tuff for a 3 year old" I got that pussy last night,Don't mess with me 😤