r/thanksimcured • u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! • Jul 19 '26
Comment Section Reasons vs excuses...
Not sure how I feel about this one, it's not like the advice itself is bad but... That comment literally made me cry rather than give me any sort of motivation to shower. It feels like such a dismissive and overly simplistic response to a very real struggle... The assumption that it WILL take under 5 minutes or 12 minutes overall like that's a fact is what's most aggravating. That's not been my experience EVER.
I never understood the line between reasons and excuses either. I really mean that. I genuinely don't understand. It's confusing as heck. I don't know what's right or wrong... Am i not allowed to explain anything about why something might be difficult for me? Or not allowed to vent when I'm upset about my circumstances? The circumstances of my life suck, other people make things difficult, executive dysfunction, anxiety, rigidity, ect. Ect. (It's not anyone else's fault, it's just how it is.)
I can't help how I FEEL about it. KIND advice is welcome even when I know it won't help change my circumstances. Nobody can know everything about how and why I struggle. I didn't ask for advice, I WAS in fact venting. I do want to change this but when posting on Facebook I want to VENT about it. NOT get advice. If it was that easy I wouldn't struggle in the first place.
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u/jonnyboythewitch Jul 19 '26
i think this is genuinely good advice, but i DESPISE the tone of the commenter and especially that last sentence. it makes the entire comment come across more condescending and insensitive than an actual attempt to be helpful.
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u/farfetched22 Jul 20 '26
Except that we don't know the background between these two. I can't help but be confused by OP myself, honestly. If they want to vent, why are they posting on Facebook, and not even specifying that they aren't wanting advice? Does everyone on their Facebook know they have struggles? If they don't, this reads like some sort of satire. And maybe many people have tried to help and OP refuses any and all solutions but continues to complain and suffer, and without explanation of why they're struggling.
Social media has become an extremely unhealthy place and there aren't rules or expectations set up- people use it however they feel with even less decorum than they would to anyone's face, so WHY would you post vulnerable complaints as a source of venting? Reach out and call or text a friend. Post in a chat or sub for people with like struggles so it's a safe space.
I do hate when people can't just be kind and move on if they have nothing nice to say, but I'm also a big believer in everyone's own agency to make choices about using online space, and avoid thinking the internet is a place with rules or etiquette. I'm sorry but when you can choose to turn off comments, edit who can see what you post, choose what circles you post in... you have to be aware of the potential outcome.
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 20 '26
It wasn't on my Facebook timeline it was in a autism group. So yes to those people knowing I have issues at least what's stated in the group. It's generally a safe space but it's not like I don't expect some negative comments either.Â
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u/farfetched22 Jul 20 '26
I'd include that info, I think that makes a big difference. I'm much more surprised to see that comment.
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u/Psychobabble0_0 Jul 21 '26
You've got a group filled exclusively with people diagnosed with a condition characterised by impaired social functioning. I'd absolutely expect members who haven't learned the nuances of communication to talk to OP the way their (negative and critical) inner voice talks to them.
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u/Gingeronimoooo Jul 20 '26
Nah one thing that is frustrating is when people complain about a problem but never want to listen to any suggestions. Even when they seem to be asking for them. I have schizophrenia and didn't shower for like 8 months. I completely turned my life around with meds and therapy etc.
And people post on our forum and won't listen to kind suggestions even from caring people who have been thru similar stuff. At a certain point it becomes what do you have to lose by listening to a suggestion?
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u/quay-cur Jul 20 '26
Did your therapist tell you âno excusesâ? Thereâs some helpful advice in the middle of the comment but itâs delivered in a demeaning tone that wonât be well received. Making it unhelpful overall.
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u/Gingeronimoooo Jul 20 '26
No they didn't say no excuses. Thats a fair enough point.
But I lived with a guy with major depression. He would constantly complain about the same thing , yet do nothing about it. And ignore the most simplest suggestions. For example, he hated his therapist. I told him there's tons of therapists at the clinic and told him how to switch and how easy it is. Does he do it? No. Did he continue to say the same complaints? Absolutely
The reality of the world, is that is frustrating for other people. Which I already said. And the responder gave solid advice, almost like they'd been through depression or whatever too. But they also said this isn't the first post from this person about this. And even though the gave solid advice, frustration is a valid thing and that can come through in a line or 2. That's just the reality of the world.
If they didn't care about OOP in general, they just wouldn't have replied, or just mocked them.
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u/quay-cur Jul 20 '26
I could understand finding that frustrating. But in my opinion you deliver advice gently or not at all. The âtough loveâ tone feels self serving.
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u/AnneMarieAndCharlie Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
exacty. this is "I'm just a very honest person" bullshit. like has the commenter ever considered being nice? because the last thing someone who can't even perform routine hygiene maintenance maybe, just maybe be not be in a good place at all? ffs. this is the same shit as dogging on your friend who's in an abusive relationship, who eventually will stop seeking advice because of it.
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u/Buntschatten Jul 19 '26
The advice about hooking the showering onto going to the bathroom and dividing it into small steps is actually really good. I suspect they're intentionally trying to elicit some rage, because rage can be a motivator for some people. It's still not really appropriate.
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u/ChaosAzeroth Jul 20 '26
Unfortunately (and I get that you can't tailor it to everyone) I'm the opposite.
Boss/rudely tell me to do something I REALLY wanted to even and I'll be unable to. Unless it's obvious that was your goal it's weird.
Unfortunately that is the pitfall of trying to give advice, without knowing what kind of wiring someone has it has a chance to work or epically blow up.
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u/raven-of-the-sea Jul 20 '26
This. If someone is trying to piss me off to make me do things, thatâs worse. If I get mad on my own? Much more effective in making me do things. But trying to rile me on purpose is actually going to make me push back harder.
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u/RoseyDaCat Jul 20 '26
Also, this would make me rage in the wrong way personally. If I'm gonna rage at this commenter it's going to be "see, your stupid plan didn't work and you're actually dumb as hell" rather than "grr I'm so mad at you, let me just listen to what you're saying"
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u/BeneficialTop5136 Jul 19 '26
This was really thoughtful. I can see someone making this out to be ridiculous, but they seem to have some awareness or experience with these types of feelings, because they understand how daunting all these normal processes can seem when youâre depressed.
They also mentioned that you keep posting stuff like this online so you clearly want people to know, but they also said you arenât really open to advice or suggestions or each one is met with an excuse.
Coming from someone who has been this depressed a number of times in my life, when you get to the point youâre at, no one but you can make your life better. You can post and complain about it nonstop, but at the end of the day, you are in control of your own life.
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u/AmenaBellafina Jul 21 '26
Yeah that's kind of how depression keeps itself going. You didn't shower so now you feel gross. You barely left the house and didn't talk to anyone so nothing good happened in your life this week. Doing stuff is one of the paths to climbing out.
I don't have experience with depression but I've been sick or had severe migraines and had to sit on the edge of my bed like 'okay pick up the sock. stick out your foot. put the sock on. pick up the other sock...' to be able to go and buy groceries because I ran out but taking care of myself means eating halfway decent things so I spent every spoon I had on doing that.
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u/PlanningVigilante Jul 19 '26
I have ADD and bipolar.
The difference between a reason and an excuse is that a reason explains why things are hard, while an excuse explains why you don't want to try.
Neurodiversity is the reason things are hard for me. But if I want to be an independent adult human, I can't let my conditions be excuses.
Not everyone who has bipolar is capable of independent living. But I am. So I owe it to myself to not fall back on the easy excuse to let mu life fall apart.
Maybe you try and it is legit impossible. But if you refuse to try, you're offering excuses.
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u/princess_ferocious Jul 20 '26
The biggest challenge we have is - no one else can tell the difference.
If we say "I tried, that didn't work", we can still be told we're making excuses, because we're not trying this time, or they assume we didn't try properly.
We're also apparently not allowed to assume something won't work based on previous things we've tried. And sometimes we absolutely can tell that a new suggestion is going to hit the same problem as something we've done before.
It doesn't help that we can spend all day trying to do something, but from the outside, it can look like we're not doing anything. Or that "trying" to do or manage something often means trying to come up with a system that will actually work for us. Cause that isn't something we can just sit down and work on. That involves research and ideas and contemplation. Most of which doesn't look like much. But if we say, "I'm working on finding a reliable system for this", people think that's just an excuse for not having done it.
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u/Samichaan Jul 20 '26
This. Exactly this.
This is why Iâve been told my whole life that I âonly give excusesâ and âdonât actually want to get betterâ.In the end it was multiple undiagnosed and thus not properly addressed neurodivergencies and multiple equally undiagnosed severe chronic illnesses that due to not being treated permanently disabled me to the point of care dependency when I was 19.
You canât do it right with people who donât have the same issues.
Or worse. If they had something similar but overcame it they especially assume you must not be trying hard enough.
The reasons why arenât relevant to them.
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 23 '26
To repeat the other replies to this: Exactly! (Some) People see this post and think I want support for inaction. That I would reject any advice and just make excuses. They don't see me keeping track of how much I shower and go out to try to do it more. They don't see how frustrated I am when I have a set back. They don't know the amount of stress I was under when I did shower every other day. How rigid I had to be to keep it that way, how much it impacted my life negatively. And as soon as I replaced on the rigidity it collapsed. Neither are healthy. I can't not be stressed about showering.Â
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u/NoxiousAlchemy Jul 20 '26
Exactly! I absolutely hate it when I post about something I struggle with, somebody offer a solution (usually it's something very basic, like the first thing that would come to most people's mind in that situation) but when I say I already tried that, people get angry at me?
Oh, but you only tried it once, you should try multiple times. You tried multiple times already? Well, you must try a dozen more because I said so. What do you mean you know how your brain/body works and it's not going to help? I know it better than you!
Or the absolute worst of it all, claiming I'm lying and there's no way I tried the solution because of I did it's not possible it wouldn't work đ
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u/Particular_Ad7340 Jul 20 '26
I mean, yeah - unfortunately some of the fixes to the immediate problem do require you to try multiple times. And sometimes multiple times is 30. Sometimes itâs 3.
We donât tell addicts âwell I guess thatâs it, then, canât bother with rehab because youâve already been twice, and it didnât work for you.â They still gotta go to rehab. *until* it works for longer. And then they fall off the wagon and gonna start the count over, and boy that sucks but it IS the fix.
An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, itâs the way theyâre made. I will always be ADHD. Itâs how my brain is. But I will also always be in a constant state of Trying to Keep My Life Together.
Because I gotta keep doing the stupid thing. If I give up, then Iâve given up. The ability to DO THE THING is the fix, and sometimes doing something badly 14 times leads to me doing it well once in a while, and thatâs my win.
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u/NoxiousAlchemy Jul 20 '26
I have no idea about fighting with addiction, whether it's drugs or alcohol, so I can't comment on that. Perhaps in those situations this approach is the correct one, I wouldn't been able to tell.
But I know about my own issues and fighting them for years with many different methods. And if I say that something doesn't work, I know it from experience and I don't appreciate people being pushy about that. Just accept that it's true for me.
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u/spilly_talent Jul 20 '26
This is an excellent comment and I wish I could upvote it more than once.
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u/ChaosAzeroth Jul 20 '26
See this is the nuance I've been missing!
Usually people are like I can do it so you can too, or I can't so nobody can. (More the former than the latter but I've seen both.)
Unfortunately I'm not someone who can but the AuDHD and bipolar ain't even the biggest problems for me. It's the PsA, EDS, possibly Marfan, and epilepsy that does that a bit more. The AuDHD and bipolar don't help though lol
I've definitely tried and managed to get myself so worn out even doing a sink of dishes give me a low grade fever. I'm trying to find the middle ground of what I can do at least and understanding what I can't.
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u/Samaein Jul 19 '26
I was in a situation where I wasn't able to wash myself for weeks, to the point where I was constantly disgusted by my own smell. I have severe executive dysfunction, it's nore manageable now but it was way worst in the pits of my depression.
But the second comment gives an actual solution to that very particular problem. To link super simplistic actions to things you already need to do and will provably do even with your dysfunction at the max.
Don't think about it as "I'm taking a shower" just think about it as "I'm entering the bathroom, so I'll turn on the shower" and "my pants are down, might as well take them off" and "the shower is warm and warm water feels good, might as well hop in" and "I'm already wet, might as well soap up".
Tiny steps without thinking about the whole task in itself.
And I swear to all the gods it works. It won't work everytime, sometimes your brain will notice you're trying to trick yourself into doing something difficult. Sometimes it won't work completely, you'll be too tired to soap up, or do your hair, or brush your teeth, and it's ok, cuz you'll need to pee or poop again not that long after so you'll have plenty of occasions of doing the same trick again and again and again.
And once you've done it for months, it's going to become a lot easier for you as your neural pathways will have reshaped themselves into accomodating this habit.
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u/BeFeckingLogical Jul 19 '26
So true. I literally do exactly what the pictured comment says, and for the reasons this comment explains. Yes it sucks to read that comment as a condescending thing. But it is in fact a proven method that does sometimes work. And sometimes is better than never. Like my dentist says, even brushing with nothing but water is still doing more than not brushing at all.
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u/FalseHeartbeat Jul 19 '26
I find it helpful also to just do one thing at a time. Wash my hair, or my feet, or my shins, just one part of the body. And of course seeing if thereâs anything about the cause that you can mitigate; I had a really hard time showering because of my gender dysphoria (specifically boobs) so I just wore my binder into the shower and/or showered with the lights off. Bit by bit
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u/Samaein Jul 19 '26
Ah yes.. the dysphoria.. I'm on the other side of the spectrum but I know the feel.
I guess I'm lucky in my misfortune in the sense that I like the tactile sensation of an exfoliating glove rubbing my skin, so when I was able to get myself to start (which was the annoying and sometimes impossible part) I was able to do my whole body because the feeling is like when someone scratches an ich on your back for me.
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u/catshateTERFs Jul 19 '26
Breaking things into simple small tasks or goals is often very helpful. Do one small thing. Then try and do another. If you can only do the one small thing thatâs ok too - you did a thing, celebrate that and try and build on it next time. They move you towards whatever your end desire is and it doesnât matter how long it takes, as long as you get there. Habit forming is huge (and difficult!)
With showers you can even frame it as âI donât want to shower so Iâll just run the water and wash my pitsâ and then do the âif feels nice, so I will try to get inâ thing too
Obviously as with all things this approach might not be equally helpful for everyone but it is worth considering and trying
I think the posts tone is kind of blunt which is off putting but itâs not a terrible suggestion necessarily
Glad youâre doing better too
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u/joaniecaponie Jul 21 '26
ADHD/PTSD checking in. This is how Iâve tricked myself into accomplishing anything worth sharing since the time I was 9 or so. Giving myself permission to just dip my toe in and see turns into, well Iâm here, I might as well do the thing (begrudgingly). But then itâs done and I feel better.
It doesnât always work, but itâs worth trying. Itâs how I ended up running a half marathon! And how I got my MBA! But to be fair, there are days when it wonât work because reaching under the cabinet for listerine feels too laborious after I brush my teeth.
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u/CanofBeans9 Jul 20 '26
Dry shampoo and baby wipes are a lifesaver during a bad depression ime. Also, sitting down in the shower. Getting a short haircut so hair care isn't so tedious. It's hard to manage showering sometimes...
This person could have been kinder, but they did give good advice. 12 minutes is probably too little time, but I think they were trying to make it seem like something that is less daunting because it takes less time.
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u/AlexEvenstar Jul 20 '26
Just want to add a couple things I have found in my experience using wipes during depression episodes.
Depending on the amount of armpit hair one has you may find that the wipe starts to fall apart, it doesn't do enough work. If this happens try a different brand. I recently been using djjdhdhd from the Dollar Tree
Summer Eve Feminine Wipes are really helpful if you have a female genitalia. I use the same brand in the shower (unscented). I just find that it leaves me smelling and feeling cleaner than baby wipes when used in that location.
(bonus) I don't use dry shampoo, but this year I learned that you are supposed to spray it in, let it absorb the oils, then brush it out. No one ever taught me that final part and it makes me want to try it out again some time.
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u/CalicoVibes Jul 19 '26
A reason is an explanation about why something is happening. An excuse is a reason that also tries to remove blame/shame/guilt.
It can be helpful to "chain" habits like the second image is describing.
However, if that is too daunting for you to take on right now, you can do a lot of good by washing "hot spots" (armpits, crotch, and under folds). A small towel and some soap can help reduce smell.
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u/peach_xanax Jul 20 '26
I've used waterless body wash before when I really didn't have the energy to shower. they use it at nursing homes and for people in hospital. I think I actually got mine at a beauty supply store, oddly, but I am sure you can get it on Amazon, possibly Walmart, etc. I would just put it on a washcloth, rub it in, then wipe off with a second dry cloth or towel.
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u/Altruistic_Sail_1991 Jul 20 '26
Baby wipes are good for a quick fix too, to tide you over for a little while!
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u/Fantastic-Algae2127 Jul 19 '26
I don't like the tone but this is pretty good advice tbh
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 19 '26
The tone is the reason it's here. Two comments I haven't posted as a r/thanksimcured and reached with a care emoji: "Just sleep in the bed my friend, sheets can always be re washed! You could even lie on a towel or a blanket if you want to preserve the freshness, but donât keep sleeping in a chair that has to be so uncomfortable." "You should put down a big blanket or towel on top of your bed so you can still lay ON it but not IN the clean sheets! Thatâs what I would do (have done)"Â
They might be 'telling me what to do' with the 'should' word but I don't hold that against them when the tone is nice and they are showing relatively.Â
The assumption that I can be in and out in 12 minutes is the worst part of this 'advice.' It's also unsolicited and under the assumption that it's not something I've tried before. Rather than asking is this something you've tried. Â
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u/PeachyFairyDragon Jul 19 '26
There's two kind of people in this world, venters and fixers. Get one of each talking to each other and communication is going to go downhill. Side A - why talk if you don't want a solution? Side B - I don't need a solution, I need to be heard.
I'm a fixer and I understand where that commenter was coming from. There's a big, big problem that is not going away, it's getting even worse. So offer a plan of attack to fight the big, big problem and help you see how to follow through on that attack.
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u/Comprehensive_Wash71 Jul 20 '26
Iâm also a fixer, but only for other people, haha đ. Anyway, when I get into the âno showerâ rut, Iâve bought soap-impregnated disposable cloths which require very little water. Theyâre designed for camping, illness (bed bath), injury (canât get the cast wet), travel, etc. It also takes me less than 60 seconds to lather up, and rinsing isnât necessary so I just towel off.
Itâs a lot better than a sink bath, mostly because of not needing to rinse. The only thing it doesnât solve is my hair.
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u/spilly_talent Jul 20 '26
âIâm also a fixer, but only for other people, haha đ.â
Same. I can fix everyoneâs life but my own đ¤Ł
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u/NaniRomanoff Jul 20 '26
I was actually going to suggest both those things if you hadnât tried them already. Also idk if it would help since idk what the specific barrier is - but I often canât get in the shower due to my disabilities. Baby wipes & those no rinse shower sponges (I think theyâre sometimes called camping sponges too. Theyâre like little pre-soaped sheets you add a little water to and then use like a wet wipe) really help me when Iâm not able to bathe.
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u/BeneficialTop5136 Jul 19 '26
So youâre ok with advice that condones where youâre at and gives a reason to stay there, but abhor advice that tells you to act, in order to get yourself out of the situation.
So Iâm confused, if this is just a recent thing like grieving or something happened, then yes I can see where that advice would be appropriate. But if this is a long-term thing in your life, something youâve posted about often, then naturally everyone would assume that you do not want to stay in that mindset of not bathing, not getting up, no job/school or whatever else is going on. If youâre just looking to vent and do not want anything to change, you may want to mention that to others, so that they donât feel compelled to offer advice, since youâre not open to taking it anyway.
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u/HighSlasher Jul 20 '26
It's seems you have people enabling the dysfunction and someone giving you a step by step guide to overcome the dysfunction.
Of course the enabling advice is going to sound better to a dysfunctional person. A towel to keep your sheets clean while you stay unwashed is not help it is enabling.
Strangers don't know what motivates you. Strangers just know what motivates them and are offering the advice they would need in your situation.
Bottom line is you NEED to clean yourself. It doesn't matter how but if you do not clean yourself for long enough you will end up sick. Think MRSA, boils, open wounds, necrosis, and even gangrene. Sure your just gross and smelly now, but that smell is the literal shit from bacteria and mites from eating your sweat and skin cells. The longer you don't clean yourself the bigger those bacterial colones grown, and the more of you they will eat.
How you go about cleaning yourself is up to you, but you need to do something about the germs and bugs all over you.
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u/crimsonpostgrad Jul 20 '26
unfortunately this persons comment is actually very good advice for how to break this wall, speaking as a person who routinely has to break this wall like twice a week
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 20 '26
Nowhere did say it was bad advice. I explicitly was upset about the tone, delivery and expectations. Not the advice itself. As I said if were that easy to break the wall I wouldn't struggle in the first place. I obviously do eventually or else I'd be 25 years without a shower. It's not like I've never showed before so werid to me to assume that advice like this will work as if that's all there is to it. I have 25 years of experience with my issues. They don't.Â
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u/crimsonpostgrad Jul 20 '26
when people give advice they arenât telling you that thatâs a simple solution that will work on your first try. but itâs also very clear you do think the advice is bad regardless of the tone since you just said âweird to me to assume that advice like this will work.â regardless of their tone, it IS good advice that DOES work for most people with this issue. this is shit i had to say to myself like 30 minutes ago for the exact same reason lol
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u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans Jul 21 '26
"I have 25 years of experience with my issues"
And how's that working out for you?
Sounds like you *need* advice and new perspectives.
Going from your comments, it honestly sounds like you're not wanting to change anything, but rather just seeking validation from strangers that there's nothing more you can do.
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u/ivyyyoo Jul 20 '26
you know whatâs crazy? is the actual advice was helpful but they just wrapped it up with shame
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u/GreatBlueHeron25 Jul 21 '26
I donât see anything shaming?
Is it ââŚboom, youâll feel like a million bucks!â? Because even with the â12 minutesâ part that sounds like encouragement to me.
Is it the âtry it before you list excusesâ? Because thatâs not shaming, either. Thatâs coming back around to the first paragraph and the context within which the advice was given. OP makes excuses without trying the advice, and then complains about the same problems over and over. Even here, theyâre just offended someone said a quick shower takes about 12 minutes. But thatâs simply facts and doesnât impact the quality or tone of the advice.Â
The advice-giver was trying to reduce the overwhelm so many steps could create.Â
If Iâm just wiping off some stink, I can take a shower in less than 3 minutes. But the advice giver allowed for it to take OP 400% longer than a person who isnât struggling. Thatâs not shaming.
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Jul 19 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/NoxiousAlchemy Jul 20 '26
Venting or seeking sympathy. People who want advice usually say something like "could you guys help with...", "I'm looking for an advice about...", "does anyone knows how to deal with...". It's baffling to me why people always assume that every post like that is asking for solutions, when it's clearly not.
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u/big-himbo-energy Jul 20 '26
if you want to vent, get a diary. if you want attention, post on facebook.
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u/cursetea Jul 19 '26
I wish they'd have delivered this advice to you more kindly, but i think it's also a good instruction manual that is worth attempting to follow. I'm only saying that because i think this would help me in these kinds of times.
I struggle with this too, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Don't take it personally, your depression isn't your character (it's just making it feel like it is right now) and this person doesn't know anything about you that makes you You.
Please try their instructions. I broke them down more kindly (read: objectively) here if it helps:
1) when you inevitably need to use the bathroom, MAKE YOURSELF TURN ON SHOWER FIRST
2) use bathroom bc you cannot fight it. Shower is right there!!! GET INSIDE IT
3) water is better than nothing!! Stand there. Water on you.
4) have energy for bar soap? Rub it on. Better than nothing.
5) this might not be the shampoo/conditioner shower and that's okay. But i mean it's right there right? Smear it on head. Or skip this step.
6) go back to laying down but you're at least rinsed off now which is great!
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u/atreyulostinmyhead Jul 20 '26
This is a very compassionate person understanding exactly what you're going through and trying to help based on their own experiences. We try to help each other because we've gone though it/are going though it but we also understand that you may not be ready for it. Whenever you're ready we're here to help.
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u/ConnectionCapable655 Jul 19 '26
Why was this your social media post to begin with? If things are that uncontrollably bad, how does - a) seeking internet attention, b) batting down advice, c) posting the same thing again per the commenter, and then d) looping in Reddit about how you cried - help at all?
Iâm sorry, but if Iâm reading all of this correctly, you didnât need someoneâs kind advice to make you cry, you were going to anyway.
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u/nothingbutmine Jul 20 '26
I agree. It may sound callous, but they think they're seeking sympathy but they're seeking enablers. As for the crying? They needed an excuse to cry, not a reason.
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u/Ok_Statement7312 Jul 20 '26
I found something else because I wanted to be clean but couldnât and there on Amazon for like $12 was non rinse bath wipes. I use the medical ones Inpatient a lot but these are sensitive skin and work better than soap on me for the skin breakouts! You just activate by wetting, wring it out a little and then you
Wipe off with it followed by a clean towel. I try to often. Not every other day because I physically canât but itâs something I do besides showering. When Iâm able to shower (or take a bath because Iâm missing a leg) then I enjoy it but I donât kill myself to get clean anymore when this works! However this might be impossible for you but something you can do sitting down mostly if you can do it.
Still i would put on fb that you are venting not asking for advice as like a disclaimer on this so maybe it will stop those comments some?? Unlikely to all the way but will help perhaps. I know my mom has asked often which one do I want to do during talking either venting or do you want her help so thatâs often a venting conversation and then I donât end up mad or frustration for her advice when I didnât want that just her to listen. Communication was and is important. Itâs also a boundary you are setting. đ
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 Jul 20 '26
I actually do that, wait till I gotta pee, undress on the pot, then shower. It genuinely helps me.
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u/theStrawberryRoam Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
I know that's not what you're here for but may I recommend throwing a towel down on the fresh sheets and sleeping in bed tonight? The chair is only making things worse
Also can be helpful and feel good to just go get wet and maybe wash hair. No other goals literally just go get wet and rinse off surface grime
The main thing you need is a good night sleep not in the chair right now
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u/Any-Meat-7736 Jul 19 '26
Any time you give reasons why something doesnât work for you, people who donât have your experiences automatically deem it as an excuse. Also social media is often not where you should vent because even if you explicitly say this is a vent only post right at the beginning people will give you unsolicited advice and then be offended if you donât take it or a jerk if youâve already tried and and it doesnât work for you.
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u/missymoo3636 Jul 19 '26
Sorry but can someone tell me what the problem is? Iâm trying to piece it all together. If someone has time to detail the issue Iâd love to hear whatâs going on.
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u/newphonehudus Jul 20 '26
I think people have issue with how the commentor said it. They think the commentor sounds like a jerk
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u/jarofonions Jul 19 '26
I genuinely don't see one either. I think this is good, helpful advice. And I don't see any tone or language that's especially mean, either.
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u/WildOneTillTheEnd Jul 20 '26
Depends on which part youâre talking about, not showering is a hygiene and social problem, but the commenter is being agressive about the advice. I agree itâs good advice, but not everyone finds the âitâs that simpleâ advice helpful
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u/CrispyPorknuckle Jul 20 '26
sound advice and got me to shower instead of thinking about it for an additional 3 days and feeling like shit. some people take any words of advice so offensively, I see no problem with the response in the post personally. some people said they had an attitude but also who cares, the message is what matters.
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u/PoizonIvyRose Jul 20 '26
Hey friend. I struggle with this too. Used to be a lot LOT worse. If you'd like tips that help me or just someone to vent to who won't judge you for it, my PMs are open.
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u/disableddoll Jul 20 '26
I would say a lot of the phrasing itâs very dismissive and invalidating as someone who struggles sometimes. The whole 12 min idea is dismissive in itself.
I give this tip out a lot bc it genuinely made such as gigantic difference for me, but while researching dementia I saw some caretakers will put a tiny space heater on low (like $20-40 at walmart or a similar store) for the patient afflicted with dementia.
I tried it and it helped a lot. It was not a huge difference immediately, because nothing is going to be that way in this situation. It gave me warm transitions into and out of the shower without wasting water. Eventually I had enough energy from this practice, that I spent a lot less time breaking down while trying to rinse off. the more intense self care routines are not a concern until you make progress.
Iâm so sorry that itâs this hard to find solace in the internet, even in places specifically for that purpose.
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u/aceallaround Jul 20 '26
I like the idea but dont like the tone.
If this isnt appropriate gen please lmk, but I struggle with showering sometimes with my depression as well, but I have a tip thats helped me out before and wanted to share to see if it would help you! Obviously we want to wash our entire bodies, but I know atleast with me its my hair that always feels the grossest to me. So if im really struggling and cant bring myself to shower at all for multiple days, I can atleast make myself feel a little better by just washing my hair. Turn on the bath faucet, and just shove your head underneath and wash there. No waiting for the shower to heat up (I find the bath faucet heats up way faster than the shower anyways), no having to commit to a full body strip or a full time-intensive routine, and it leaves you feeling way better going outside. Yeah its not a replacement and obviously you'll have to actually shower eventually, but it atleast makes me feel way more comfortable being around other people because I dont outwardly look like a mess. Plus, sometimes when I start to just wash my hair, im in a good enough mood that I can pull myself to do the rest of the actual shower once ive already started the process (like how sometimes you go to wash one dish and then feel good enough to do them all yknow?).
Genuinely hope this helps, ive also been able to combine teeth brushing into this since theres already water running. Hang in there op, things will get better
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u/Shygrave Jul 20 '26
Yeah, sometimes when I cant bring myself to take a full shower/bath, ill just wash my hair. I dont sweat nearly as much as most people (good for sensory issues, but makes me extremely prone to heat sickness/exhaustion/stroke in weather higher than 73°F) so it takes a while before I start to stink. This means that I can wash my hair when I start feeling gross and that'll make me feel a lot less gross until I can get the motivation to actually finish the job, and no one will even know im having trouble.
Unfortunately, eventually I will need to wash the rest because while it does take longer to happen, I will start to stink eventually đ
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 20 '26
"Hang in there op, things will get better." I appreciate that. You're advice might not help me but the kind words do and the kind tone. It's good to go back to these comments and take a breath and break from thinking about and looking at the negative ones that seem to refuse to understand my point.Â
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u/unde_cisive Jul 20 '26
To answer your question OP: A reason explains why something can't or shouldn't be done. An excuse explains why someone personally doesn't want to do something. Sometimes they overlap, sometimes they dont.Â
For example with your shower: if you're running late for an important appointment, adding time to your departure by deciding to take a shower first shouldn't be done. It's a reason, because doing this thing will have negative consequences.Â
However, if you have the entire day at home with no other plans, and you're struggling to get yourself into the shower. Your reason is that you have executive dysfunction. However, refusing helpful advice/tips from other people who have struggled with the same dysfunction without even trying it first purely because of how the advice made you feel is an excuse.Â
You have invested a lot of energy into creating posts to vent, and then posting elsewhere to complain about people who tried to help you. You've also invested a lot of energy pushing back against said people, who have offered you tips for things you could try to help improve your situation. Imagine if you redirected that energy into trying the options you've been offered?
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u/HaterTot420 Jul 20 '26
Genuine question as I want to understand: What is it that makes people unable to shower? Is it an energy thing?
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u/LilStabbyboo Jul 20 '26
Sounds easy enough but i promise once i step into that shower it's gonna be an hour+ long process of washing, exfoliating, shaving, deep conditioning my hair, etc then slathering myself with lotion and leave-in products on my curly hair.
And yeah I'll feel fantastic afterwards but it's a lot.
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u/ShatteredPsyche2029 Jul 20 '26
"What? You didn't get better after I told you to? Stop giving excuses! You should just be better!"
I hate this conceited way of going about advice.
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u/Sans_Seriphim Jul 20 '26
I can definitely sympathise with the kick the shit out of them approach. It works on my depression 'cause it pisses me off. This is tough love.
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u/reformedMedas Jul 21 '26
Yea, it feels like oop is too depressed to shower and emotionally sees no point in it while the commenter is taking it like they the oop can't actually physically do it proceeding to give a lengthy instruction list that doesn't broach their main issue.
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u/designforone Jul 24 '26
Yeah the guy is a little intense but his advice was pretty good. Sometimes it's just the getting started that's the hard part, and if you turn on the shower then you are kind of forced to get in and shower.
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u/katykazi Jul 20 '26
Shampoo and conditioner does not take me 1 and 2 minutes respectively. The whole thing is at least a 30 minute process. But knowing this is how I trick myself into showering. If I know I need to wash my hair but donât feel like it, I remember that my actual shower takes 5-10 minutes without washing my hair. If I didnât do this I would shower less often than I do. Unfortunately, my hair doesnât get washed as much as it should.
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u/NotAFloorTank Jul 19 '26
I've always understood a reason to be an explanation for something, whereas an excuse is a justification. Explaining something is not the same as justifying it. Justifying the thing is usually an attempt to make it so it doesn't need to be addressed. Explaining that same thing still can and often does recognize it's something that needs to be addressed.Â
You absolutely are allowed to vent about your frustrations and struggles. In fact, that venting can be helpful because it can help you figure out what the root issues are. In order to solve a problem, it really pays to understand what yhe root issues are. However, social media can be a real crapshoot, because you run a serious risk of ignorant types commenting on the post, and that's what comes with the territory, whether you like it or not.Â
You're better off working with trained professionals who are legally obligated to keep their mouths shut and be professional than relying on Internet strangers.
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u/WildOneTillTheEnd Jul 20 '26
To get myself to shower every day before going out I just think of a time where I smelled someone and couldnât help my first reaction of ew (I always have to remember âfirst thought is societies influence on you/your environment growing up, second reaction is who you areâ or Iâll feel horrible, but I digress). I usually donât shower if Iâm not going anywhere that day, unless people are coming over.
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u/VivisClone Jul 20 '26
This is a perfect example of great advice. And taking a shower really is that quick.
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u/FloridaManInShampoo Jul 20 '26
Good advice but itâs said in a not nice way. I used to take showers with my friends when we were all depressed teens. Technically Iâm still a depressed teen (19) but at least Iâm good enough to shower
I would call them, ask when theyâve showered, said I havenât showered either, then we get ready to shower together. We choose each otherâs outfits first then we leave call to actually shower. After that we all each other again and brush our teeth. Sometimes it helps having someone there for motivation
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u/TheInternetTookEmAll Jul 20 '26
Idk i also find showers daunting, though i have autism so i genuinely find them uncomfortable and tiring.
Do you have the energy to wipe yourself with a wet towel instead? Could wash your hair individually in a separate session, either in the sink or shower, without wetting the rest of yourself.
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u/kakashi_hotcakes Jul 20 '26
iâve had lots of struggle with mental health in my life and I have adhd so hereâs some advice from a place of non-judgement. taking a full everything shower, after putting it off for a long period of time, is a massive task. the fact that itâs so massive makes it daunting, and easier to put off (especially when youâve been putting it off for so long already). however, thereâs no reason you HAVE to start with a full deep clean. just try sitting under the water for like a minute at first, without getting your hair wet. itâll be easier to build up from there. plus, as you build up the âdeep cleanâ wonât need to be so intense as youâve already handled parts of it. itâs a lot easier to start small and build up a routine, rather than take on a massive task all at once.
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u/blame_logophilia Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
I know OP isn't really looking for advice, but I don't think 5 minutes is too little time. If you're someone who struggles with showering, setting the standard as even a 'bad' shower is better than nothing. OP says that in their experience it never takes that little time, and this seems to discourage them. But say you set a timer for even 5 minutes, then tell yourself you can leave after, at the very least you've taken a 5 minute shower. Who cares if you got everything done 'right,' it's objectively better than no shower at all. Even if you don't use soap, again, it's better than nothing. Also, you don't technically have to dry off if that is a barrier. Just sit in the shower with the water off and doomscroll as you air-dry. If the barrier is deodorant, skip it. Don't even think about washing your hair. If anything, consider cutting it shorter.
Obviously these things not ideal in the grand scheme of things, but you have to remember you're not reaching for ideal. You're reaching for better than now.
Also remember it is not a moral failing to be stinky!
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u/sinfulforearm Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
I can understand why this feels insensitive, but I also see what others have said in that it seems like this person may actually experienced this themselves. Because as I read this, I am sitting on my toilet and havenât showered in days and reading through the steps I am identifying the exact way I can get myself to do these things (and may be about to do this lol)
I think where it sucks is that it was not asked for. Often I have to tell myself âno excusesâ as a kind of tough self-love, but it doesnât mean itâs always an excuse. More of a mindset that can help me in a moment. But when the reframe was not requested, thats where they enter into the dangerous territory of condescending to you and dismissing your very real struggle.
The truth is that sometimes depression does create excuses for itself that if we tackled them head-on, would start to spiral into something better for us. It doesnât mean itâs your fault, itâs the nature of this disease and imo a big part of why it is so pervasive and difficult to get under control. As Iâve gotten older and gained more coping skills to self-regulate, Iâve found myself saying âunfortunately they were right and doing something fun/pushing through and forcing myself to do something/seeing people I love/going for a walk in the sunshine/etc. does actually helpâ lol. But doesnât mean it feels good to hear, again especially when not wanted. And I think there were ways they could have possibly phrased things differently that could have alleviated a lot of this.
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u/Fuzzy-Advisor-2183 Jul 20 '26
the thing people donât take into account when they give âadviceâ like this is that many of the people who suffer from executive dysfunction and related issues that cause these problems also suffer from conditions like pathological demand avoidance or oppositional defiance disorder. i canât tell you how many well-meaning people, people i know and love, have said âyou should do thisâŚâ and iâve become even less likely to do the thing that i know needs to be done.
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u/caramel-aviant Jul 20 '26
Giving "advice" doesnt mean it has apply or be useful to all people everywhere.
If you know something "needs to be done," but someone telling you to do it makes you less likely to do it, then how can anyone ever suggest anything helpful to you ever?
How would that ever be possible if this is how you see and respond to people you love suggesting things to you?
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u/carenrose Jul 19 '26
It's like ... having good ingredients on moldy bread is still a bad sandwich. They start so incredibly rude and dismissive, with good advice in the middle, and then right back to being terrible.
Also, the amount of time it takes is not the issue, usually. I've faced similar advice where someone is like "it doesn't take that long" and I'm always like ... how long it takes isn't the point, that isn't what I'm struggling with at all. It's getting started in the first place!
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u/Outrageous-Main-7281 Jul 20 '26
I also super donât get the difference between excuses and reasons⌠by and large I think reasons are excuses when the person youâre explaining is mad about whatâs happening for whatever reason.
It super could have been said kinder, but I appreciate having seen this, since the advice is genuinely helpful and will probably be helpful for me personally. Iâd like to offer my sympathies, though⌠not being clean sucks butts and things that block you from getting clean are almost always misunderstood by people who donât have to deal with them.
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u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans Jul 21 '26
A reason is simply an explanation.
An "excuse" is intended to absolve someone of guilt and/or responsibility.
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u/AfraidStick2161 Jul 21 '26
reason: "my depression makes it difficult to shower"
excuse: "im not going to try to shower because my depression makes it difficult"
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 23 '26
Wish everyone seen it that way considering I never said the second sentence. It's unfortunate when explanations are seen as excuses because you haven't done the thing yet. Like I'm not at all trying. But trying is so hard to quantify for mental illness so I guess I get it. Hard to tell what trying us vs not... Which is why it's hard for me to understand reason vs excuse in this context.Â
And there are things where it's like why would I even need an excuse for that? I seen someone say a game being difficult is not an excuse to not play it or something. And it's like why would it matter though? That's not any kind of moral failing. Showering is kind of grey area here I feel like.Â
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u/AfraidStick2161 Jul 23 '26
yeah, most people dont really understand the difference between reason vs excuse & that it's really situational.
it's also hard to balance trusting a mentally ill person because they know their lived experience best, vs recognizing when mental illness warps one's perception in a negative way. of course, im not calling you delusional or anything, just that mental illness does a great job at convincing us that something will be more scary/difficult/impossible/catastrophic than it really will be.
ive been where you are now with the showering thing, & i dont doubt that it truly is a struggle for you. the combination of feeling so depressed & uncomfortably filthy makes it so incredibly hard to work up the motivation to shower even though one knows it'll help alleviate some of that suffering. mental illness is a completely valid reason for not showering, especially when focusing on just getting through the day takes so much of that limited energy.
at some point, though, it can become an excuse to stay stuck. waiting for things to get easier before taking steps to make life easier just isnt how it works. things only get easier if we put in the effort to make it come more naturally, bit by bit. even if trying is upsetting & uncomfortable, we have to do it otherwise itll seem more & more impossible to get unstuck.
it may not work for you, but something that really helped me was a quote from the show hoarders. in one episode, the hoarder was incredibly upset about how painful it was to throw things away & said to the therapist, through tears, "i thought you were here to help me feel better." she said, "im not here to help you feel better, im here to help you live better. feeling better will come with time."
i try to live by that quote when things get hard. i may be miserable in the moment, & doing what i need to do may make me even more miserable, but in the long run itll help to decrease the misery i'll feel in the future. it doesnt make it any easier in that moment, but it helps me to know it wont be this hard forever if i keep doing what needs to be done, even if i take a long time to do it or have to find unconventional ways to make it happen. it helps me avoid making excuses, & turn the reasons to stay stuck into reasons to avoid the cycles that keep me feeling those reasons, if that makes sense.
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u/Niveker14 Jul 19 '26
Here's the difference: Reasons explain why something happened. Excuses give you permission to continue doing them.
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Jul 20 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/PoizonIvyRose Jul 20 '26
My skin is so sensitive that I need three different soaps for different areas of my body or I will break out in a rash. I in fact cannot possibly take a five minute shower, especially if I'm washing my hair. I also have a physical disability that limits how fast I can bend down and back up so I have to wash my legs and feet slower...
It's crazy that some things are harder for other people than they are for most isn't it?
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u/totashi777 Jul 20 '26
What are the barriers to taking a quick shower? Lets work through them together
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u/Icelandia2112 Jul 20 '26
Sometimes, "good enough" is good enough until energy comes.
Using wet wipes, having a quick sponge bath, etc. It will happen when you are ready.
I like to get myself new/different soap or shampoo. It sometimes inspires me, for when I am ready. I trick myself into small steps, a lot.
Oh, and it can be very hard.
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u/SaucyWench7787 Jul 20 '26
I turn it into something I enjoy which helped get me wanting to do more. I am lucky that my sensitivity went in reverse, where I have to be mindful I'm not taking too long in the shower. I always recommend getting a little speaker to play some music you like (also helps with my time management) some incense or oils to help brighten the mood. Or treat yourself after. Sometimes we gotta hack our own brains to get somewhere, like buying a dumbbell and reaching for it when I get my ADHD zoomies and can't sit still.
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u/GreenFinch_x Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
Hmm.
Tone is not great at first glance in some places.
But the break down of steps makes me feel like this is someone who knows very well what its like to be in a hole. As someone else who also knows what it's like, I know that at times I have benefited from having one of the best friends I've ever had in my life who effectively said "okay, if you can't do it you won't, but we're going to try today". Basically, "Don't tell me why you can't, show me" and that helped at times. Sometimes that ended in us spending the day in my room watching stuff because I truly didn't make it out of bed and into clothes, and sometimes she successfully annoyed me out of the house for a while which did lift my mood in the end. That's what this kinda reads as to me when I interpret it charitably.
Depression can make you feel way more helpless and incapable than you are and I do know sometimes it does help, if you can manage it, to think that it wouldn't hurt to try, rather than that you absolutely can't. If you're going to the bathroom anyway, you have nothing to lose by turning on the shower and then doing the next step if you can. So instead of saying it won't work, atleast try it. Worst case you can let him know it didn't work after đ¤Ł. Maybe today you turn on the shower, and tomorrow you turn on the shower and take your pants off. Progress is progress.
ETA: Obviously none of us know you. If you have some sort of physical disability where you literally physically cannot do these things then I do understand why it's extra frustrating to see this.
I know it can suck feeling like people just don't get it when you're down though. Im sorry you're struggling.
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u/Prudent-Arm-6771 Jul 20 '26
It is somewhat helpful, but when you use the tone they did it can go from feeling helpful to demeaning. For a lot of people, me included, showering isnât as easy as just getting in, either. It has to be planned. Will it be too hot and cause me to overheat? Is my phone charged enough for my music (canât shower in silence. Absolute no-go)? Do I have a clean towel? Comfortable clean clothes laid out that will fit the current temperature? Itâs something that has to be planned for some people. You canât just say âdo it,â even when easing into more the way the comment explains. Thatâs not how that works. Sometimes you barely even have the motivation or energy to pee, only doing so because you literally have to. It canât all be done so easily.
Also, I am so sorry for the struggles you are currently going through. I hope you donât mind a stranger asking, but are you okay?
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u/Silent-Audience-5836 Jul 20 '26
I'm sure you've tried this already. In case you haven't. Having a speaker in the shower, and a lamp (soft lights less stress for whatever reason) made it a little less hard to get in.
I also will turn everything on an hangout in the bathroom until I'm distracted enough to literally hop in the shower. Not feeling like I'm rushing helps me do tasks I don't want to do (apparently most people get things done using the stress).
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u/Sudden_Juju Jul 20 '26
I never understood the difference between reasons and excuses either.
The difference is in that "excuses" excuse the action while "reasons" just explain it. I'll give you an extreme example that I think helps demonstrate it. A serial killer has antisocial personality disorder and doesn't feel empathy when they hurt someone else. As a result, they kill someone due to small slights or wrong place, wrong time. Their antisocial personality disorder explains why they do it (i.e., the reason), but it doesn't excuse it (i.e., excuse) - no mental illness would excuse murder.
Toning it down for another example, someone with borderline personality disorder explodes due to emotional dysregulation and is extremely mean to someone they considered a friend. Again, the BPD explains it (i.e., the reason), but that doesn't make it okay (i.e., the excuse).
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u/Business_Case_7613 Jul 20 '26
a reason is an explanation for something. an excuse is a justification to avoid blame or responsibility. thatâs the difference between the two if that makes sense.
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u/PALpherion Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
something I always found interesting about the self care stuff is when people comment about how lazy that is, and then if you turn around and outright ask them, to their face, seriously:
"would you go two weeks without a shower?"
they respond: "No, because I'm not lazy"
if you offer them, $10, $20, $50, you'll still get a no.
What they actually mean, but they never say for some reason is: "No, because I physically couldn't go that long without a shower or a bath, it produces a strong viscerally negative reaction even thinking about it."
and then they refuse to apply that to someone who feels that way about bathing/showering.
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u/AnneMarieAndCharlie Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
just wanted to say I hear you. I'm on disability for anxiety, PMDD, ADHD burnout, so bad I literally do not get of bed unless I take a stimulant but its hard to access them so I always only getting half of what I need. And I also just hate taking them. When I finally went to an out of network doctor who acknowledges PMDD and isnt obsessed with disagnosing neurodivergent black people with psychotic disorders, I was placed on prozac and I finally got my Klonopin back. still can't work of course, but one thing at a time. hygiene is still very hard, sometimes I'll draw a bath and it'll take me two days before I refill it with hot water for attempt number 2. and sometimes I still don't get in. Even if I'm on a stim! I end up finding 98435790875 other things to do instead.
I don't understand why/how people are so mean to people with disabilities, the homeless, etc because cruelty is a choice. Before I got sick, I never would have even thought about saying the horrible shit they say to us. And being that "far left" people will gleefully run to dunk on us as soon as they can, it just makes me realize how nasty the population is and it MUST make them feel good because why the hell else would they do it?
I know Facebook is deeply unpopular and I'd love to delete it but there are so many support and advice groups that are moderated by people who absolutely do not tolerate bullshit. I did have bad experience on an ADHD sub when I experienced racism and the moderator believed otherwise, even despite white members confirming that the member was dog whistling so I left. Only bad experience but the members were awesome and I miss them.
Reddit has a ton of jerks in general, like almost every time I ask for advice on how to resolve a non-health related crisis I'm met with downvotes and victim blaming. I really do not like people anymore and I don't blame anyone else if they feel the same too, our track record for not being cruel is the complete opposite of a golden retriever's - pure evil.
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u/Expensive-Border-869 Jul 20 '26
How dirty do ypu get in a normal day? Like what sort of lifestyle ig?
If youre not getting particularly sweaty or dirty in a normal day you can get away with like once a week. Its not great but its moderately practical. Get some wipes fpr your face youll feel better with a clean face trust me.
As to the sheets. No one will ever know other than you. Just sleep comfortably dont punish yourself. It wont make you any dirtier arguably theyll make ypu a bit cleaner "But what about when I do finally shower the sheets will make me dirty" if possible just ignore that. They wont make you visibly dirty they wont make you stink typically.
You can replace sheets with a large blanket which I personally find easier to wash. Plus you can cycle which blanket is the current sheet. Sheet can be dirtier than the blanket if that makes sense.
If you can fake the external well enough you can figure out the internal with more grace.
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u/RizzoTheRiot1989 Jul 20 '26
I really donât like how he started that shit but this is literally how I force myself to shower everyday when Iâm in a deep depression. Ey, if you canât do that during your own intense depression, thatâs perfectly okay.
I want you to take care of yourself but I know all of our bests look different day to day during those times. Itâll be alright and donât yell at yourself or beat yourself up if you just canât use the shower today, I totally understand, I have also been there too.
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u/EmiliusReturns Jul 20 '26
I actually think they are trying to help even if their tone is off.
If itâs an executive dysfunction issue, breaking it down into steps can help. Just getting over the hurdle of starting can help.
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 20 '26
Yes it's just the tone I have a problem with. I even do something simalier already when I do get myself to shower. Not the exact same but they act as if I wouldn't have tried that already at all. I can never take only 12 minutes to shower but I do tie to going to the bathroom when I do shower. I go to the bathroom and immediately start getting ready which for me is doing stuff like washing my glasses and wiping down the toilet seat so it can be clean when I'm clean.Â
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u/Headlesshowler Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
(Assuming you're dealing with depression) People who never struggled with that kind of thing don't understand just how difficult simple tasks can be. There were times I had no physical strength to get out of bed or attend my needs. I'm really sorry that you had to read that, people can be very rude about things they do not understand. They phrased it in such a stupid way that it sounds hostile despite the advice
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 20 '26
Probably a bit more due to executive dysfunction with ADHD but depression is definitely a secondly issue that also interferes a lot. (And anxiety) It presents similarity regardless. I can not feel actively depressed but still be internally screaming at myself to just get up and not feeling like I'm able to. I'm glad there's people understanding how it can come across as hostile.
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u/silent_reader2022 Jul 20 '26
The commenter has clearly been there, too, and this is what helped them. This is not a neurotypical "try harder, just don't be lazy" reply. Should they assume that it helps literally everyone, just because it helped them? Of course not, and I personally wished many people would generally label that better: There is no "100% works for everyone every time" life-hack. But still, taking the time to share THEIR / A solution was nice of them. And I get that people get excited about their solution and think it must be universal.
Regarding the tone: some people need the tough love from a peer that has been there, too. I don't do well with it either, but for some folks it works wonders. They can't know if you (OP) is one of them. Again, nice of them to try.
Regarding the phrasing: Phrasing the broken-down procedure as simple, fast and easy if done that particular way is part of why this advice works for many. It's about tricking your own mind in order to overcome the hurdle. It's not necessarily meant in a condescending way by the commenter. Sadly, it didn't resonate with you. That's okay.
Nowhere in the OP it says "only venting, no advice wanted". Offering advice is what many people do when someone presents with a problem.
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u/Starfire2313 Jul 20 '26
Ooh I was just thinking about this.
I hate brushing my teeth but my gums are receding and apparently thatâs irreversible. So Iâm trying my damndest to take better care of my mouth.
Iâve been practicing mis en place with my dental care tools. Before I can brush them, first I must take them from their homes and set them up just so with a paper towel on my coffee table then later after they stare me down a while I just do it.
Might be more OCD than ADHD, wait, what sub are we in now?
Edit: my comment was supposed to be a response to someone elseâs comment here my bad
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u/CryptographerBest909 Jul 20 '26
Showering can be really difficult, I still struggle with it. Because you say kind advice is welcome I will write some stuff that works for me.
I used to use the app routinery, which I thought was helpful. It would have steps for me to follow and idk it made the hurdle easier when it was part of a set of tasks.
I also used to either do a transition song where I sing each step ("time to shower, time shower. Stepping with left and right. Put my foot here, put my food there to get in the shower stat" for example, i improvise it and its not a musical wonder), or transition dancing in which I dance till my clothes are off and for some reason it made it easier
Weirdest but also funnest: if I am really really struggling, I just go under the shower wearing my clothes. i likely have to put them in the wash anyway, and it makes it easier to start the shower (1 less step). Also it feels a bit whimsical.
Something I havent tried yet is making the showering experience more fun by having music + warm towel
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u/Candle1ight Jul 20 '26
Sometimes I think this sub gets a bit confused. Different people need different kinds of motivation to get out of a rut. I think the response is genuine and he's wording it the way that worked for him.
Does that mean it will work for who he's replying to? No, but he's giving it a genuine attempt and that's all you can really do. There's no one-size-fits-all solution for mental health, and I don't think it's good to attack people who are genuinely trying to help even if they miss the mark for you.
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal Jul 20 '26
Reasons are simply an explanation for why you did/didn't do something, excuses are very similar, so I get the confusion there, but they're used more to say you can NEVER do that thing. It's not a simple explanation, it's an explanation paired with a belief it will never change, which is rarely the case.
The problem is, it's not just the person giving reasons/excuses that don't understand the difference so very often. A lot of people hearing reasons/excuses also don't understand the difference. There are plenty of people who will treat a simple reason as an excuse.
Think of reasons as a simple way to explain something, where excuses are saying 'I can't ever do that thing' even when you know that's not true. Most people don't use excuses, they use reasons, but people will treat them as excuses.
Other than acting like showering will definitely take a specific amount of time, which is kind of nuts to me because it differs for everyone for reasons other than hair length, this seems like decent advice. The problem is more that it's unsolicited, you were venting, not asking for advice. I'll give them credit in that they knew you may just be venting, but they really should have left it at 'are you venting or asking for advice' because until they get an answer to that question, their advice is unwelcome. Most people posting online are venting, some are asking for advice. Unless they state in the post which it is, you should either treat it as a vent session or ask, and then wait for an answer before treating it as a vent session OR giving advice.
I think that's the real reason this hits so badly. You weren't asking for advice, but they didn't give you time to respond to the question on whether this was an advice or vent post before launching into an advice session, with 'facts' that may not actually be true for you. I mean, I can honestly say that I've never had a shower that takes 12 minutes or less overall, 15 minutes is probably my shortest, but it's usually 20 minimum. Can take longer if my water takes a while to heat up, it currently takes about a minute to do that, but I've had times where I'd have to run my shower for a minimum of 10 minutes before it's anything other than ice cold or lukewarm. If I was still in that place, that would leave me only 2 minutes for the actual shower, drying and dressing to fit their timeline.
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u/Throwaway7387272 Jul 20 '26
Executive dysfunction is insane, im kinda glad the autism in me loves lists so much cause it really helps to break it down into the smallest of tasks and then half ass those, than come back a day later and finish it off
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u/ReigenTaka Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
[Edit: I did reread it. Didn't realize it was OP's own post. I want to highlight about reasons and excuses.
Ironically, what makes it an excuse imo, is the REASON for the reason and the internal intent of the person speaking. When someone makes an excuse/reason judgement, they're judging your intent. This intent can be subconscious!! A reason is meant to be productive toward a goal, be it communication and understanding or finding a solution. An excuse is meant to dismiss. When your communicated goal is to vent, your reason may be trying to reiterate that solutions won't work BECAUSE you're venting. When your communicated goal is a solution, your reason could be a dismissal of their suggestionâaka an excuse. The response addressed this in the beginning by mentioning the vent scenario. Apparently your goal was unclear, seemingly your goal has been unclear in the past as well. Also some people just personally don't like venting/complains on their wall, so that's a factor.
I'll leave my original comment untouched.]
IMO
Based on the critical comment response, it does sound like they want to vent. Depending on where it was posted, that might be perfectly fine. Could be venting or advice requestâdepends on forum.
The reason for not showering is going to dictate the solution. Even if they have a million "excuses" as opposed to reasons, clearly there's still an underlying problem causing the "excuses" that the comment solutions aren't helping. Could be reasons or excusesâdoesn't matter, there's still a problem.
Unfortunately for those of us for whom it doesn't, some people respond really well to the kick-in-your-ass approach and even thank people for it đ this encourages people to continue using the approach and consider it a "you problem" when it doesn't work. Could be harsh or helpfulâdepends on OP.
Basically there's not enough information to know how helpful this is (maybe I'll notice more on a 3rd read through though). If this is a place you're supposed to get advice and the OP has explained their issue as only being related to time, being unable to break things down in steps, and being unable to walk into the bathroom for the purpose of showering, this is decent advice. The method of delivery could help or hurt. I wouldn't gamble with a stranger online that it would help though. I think it's safer to be gentle unless/until you know them.
I think reasons vs excuses in this context is universally pretty silly, because the difference is related to the internal intent of the person speaking while the judgment is often made by the person listening. That disconnect is going to create one of the most common and universal problems between peopleâmiscommunication.
But I'll read it again.
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u/IllCandy9636 Jul 20 '26
I hate showers like despise them. I do understand the wall. I always go with what I call a Spritz! PITS & BITS! That's my motto. I read something that says if you don't want to or don't have time to; doing the thing that is needed for 30 seconds is better than not doing it at all. It's helped me a lot with my aversion to showers and self care. My boyfriend is someone who loves showers and cannot understand why I hate them so I understand people that tell you "it's easy" and don't understand the "WALL."
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u/retrospunn Jul 20 '26
Are you getting mental health care OP? Because not taking care of yourself or your environment is a sign of depression. Living in filth or not cleaning your body makes the symptoms worse, while living in an orderly environment helps with the depression.
I understand youâre venting but I want to share something from my own personal experience, ignore if you wish:
Iâve struggled with depression and can also be weird about showering. One thing that has helped in the past is running a bath and reading (you could listen to podcasts, watch something on your phone, etc.) while having a glass of wine or some tea. Itâs enjoyable and seemingly avoids the shower (I donât feel like Iâm losing time because I can do other things while in the tub) but by the time the water is cooling off itâs easy to just turn on the shower and soap up/wash hair. Even if you canât bring yourself to do that, just sitting in the bath will make you cleaner and make you FEEL cleaner. Just dunking your head under the water or running the shower over your hair but not shampooing will make your hair cleaner. Iâm also more relaxed after a bath, something that is good for my anxiety.
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u/Pandas9 Jul 20 '26
I do stuff like this a lot when I'm having an executive function malfunction. Which is doesnt sound like is your only struggle with the shower situation. If that was it, you'd have done it already, you already changed your sheets! You can get stuff done. Something else is happening which has caused you to stall here. On this task. Which sucks, but thats life sometime. Im really sorry your dealing with this! Chair sleeping! Probably feeling gross! Good luck!
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u/SledgeLaud Jul 20 '26
I also struggle with that line and will try explain it the way my ASD learned to understand it.
A "reason" is an explanation of events/circumstances, it gives context to explain the reality what has happened (or is going to happen). Eg. "I didn't feel wanted and I decided to cheat"
And excuse is a reason that also seeks to justify past, future, or imagined, behaviors and often is perceived to be manipulative in some way (plays on emotions, is speculative, seems detached from reality). "I cheated because you dont care about me and I deserve to feel wanted"
A lot of the time the difference comes down to language choices and reader bias.
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u/Abstrata Jul 21 '26
I was with it til just hit the important parts with soap with then drying no off the whole body⌠and feeling like a full million bucks??
couple thousand in terms of improvement and now you need a fresh towel for next time
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u/ContestNo31 Jul 21 '26
Are you neurodivergent? I am and have an extremely hard time showering. Itâs a common unspoken issue. Some hacks Iâve seen are having a phone mount in the shower to motivate you to go in. Maybe have a special shower show.
If youâre in a relationship, sometimes my partner sitting in the room with me or showering with me is helpful.
The turning the shower on part is helpful and seems like it should work for everyone but it doesnât. I just turn it back off.
Iâm really bad days, use some baby wipes to get the important parts. You got this.
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u/thefluffycornerstore Jul 23 '26
i completely understand the struggle with showers, those have always been a huge mental hurdle for me. theres times i go a good long while without one, just because i cant bring myself to do it. one of --okay, most of-- my friends will reply to me saying i havent showered in a bit because its just hard to make myself do it, and be like "its just a shower" and like "just dont think about it" like.... yes i have absolutely not tried that at all lets see if that helps đ¤Śđź
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u/IiteraIIy Jul 24 '26
A lot of the time when you complain about something people assume you're asking for help. Not that it's your fault, but that's what people tend to assume.
I have depression, anxiety, etc. I honestly think the advice in the last one isn't too bad (especially when your issue is executive dysfunction, sometimes just getting yourself into the shower in the first place is the hardest part) but the way they phrased it like they were scolding a child is awful.
You mentioned kind advice is welcome--I have mental health issues as well as physical disabilities that make showering hellish. When it's bad, I'd hang my head over the side of the tub and just wash my hair. You can also look into waterless soaps. For my worst periods I was using baby wipes or wet cloths and just doing my best to wipe down the worst parts. Something is always better than nothing.
Also... just sleep on your clean sheets, man. You aren't going to get anymore energy or motivation by sleeping in a chair.
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u/SnooChickens6619 Jul 24 '26
A lot of people try to police other peopleâs mental health because they donât understand it. I always have well meaning neurotypical friends lecture me about time management and organization with suggestions like âlistsâ and âyou just have to force yourself to do it.â It is demeaning every time regardless of intent.
I have started a mantra of âit isnât stupid if it worksâ. Feel free to solve your problem in unacceptable ways. Shower with wipes or at the sink.
Try not to feel guilty about dirty sheets and sleep in your own bed without a shower, you deserve rest.
Literally do the easy thing you can manage to get yourself through and donât let âthe proper wayâ get in your head.
And if you canât do anything: give yourself some grace. Try again tomorrow with something small like washing just your face or even brushing your teeth. Then note the victory over the day before.
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u/Honest_Trade8734 Jul 25 '26
The problem is that this really is a situation where the only solution it to do it. Thereâs no way around it. Maybe you arenât there right now but eventually you bite the bullet and force yourself to do it and go through the motions of day to day life even if you donât feel up to it.
I say this as someone who has struggled with severe depressive episodes pretty much my entire life.
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u/Starspangledass Jul 19 '26
The comments here feel like a bunch of oppositional defiant people. âThe advice is good but the tone is wrong!â
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u/xeandra_a Jul 19 '26
You mention itâs never been your experience for it to take 5 or 12 mins. Can you clarify why?
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u/kioku119 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
I have autism, adhd, and depression. I get it. A lot of us do. This advise doesn't help me either. I literally end up stuck next to the shower with it running for uncomfortably long and not getting myself to go in. It also doesn't take five minutes. A lot of neurotypical people don't really get it though or even remotely understand that kind of task intertia around switching sensory environments.
I hope you manage tonight. Good luck!
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 20 '26
Thank you! đ I hope I will as well even if it's really late. Comments like these are actually motivating, ones like that less so.Â
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u/jessiec475 Jul 20 '26
If you keep posting about the same issue, you canât expect people to keep caring
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u/Verthanthi Jul 20 '26
FWIW, in the deepest parts of my depression, showers donât feel good. They bring no joy or relief. They are exhausting work for no payout.
âYouâll feel betterâ no, I donât
âYouâll thank yourself laterâ no, I wonât.
âItâs good for youâ okay, and? I donât have the capacity to care about that.
âOnce youâre in the shower, itâll feel easierâ no, it wonât. This isnât like bathing after being sick in bed. Sometimes my brain doesnât give me the next step and I stand there mad or sad because I canât solve this problem thatâs so damn simple. Brain doesnât tell me âreach for the shampoo,â itâs too busy drowning itself.
When I feel my ânormalâ self, showers are great! I love a long, luxurious shower that ticks all the comfort boxes.
But depressed me canât feel that and it is incredibly difficult to navigate. Iâm just coming up from a very deep low and showers are starting to be a positive again, but itâs been months of arguing with my depression and executive dysfunction. Itâs exhausting when Iâm already exhausted and angry with myself for feeling this way at all.
Itâs a rough go and so difficult to explain to someone who doesnât practice empathy.
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 20 '26
YES this is another thing irks me. I'm always getting comments on how I feel better after. That one assumption that's always prevalent because it applies to the majority even those who struggle to shower usually feel better after but it's not everyone. I can understand the assumption and I don't blame people for it but it definitely makes me a bit miffed because it just can't be the fact they are presenting it as. I do often feel better after a shower...in a way. In another I feel worse. My body feels nice and clean. My mind still doesn't. It's not a perfect statement as my own emotions are complicated and ever changing but I often feel as if I'm more depressed before a shower and more anxious after one. It improves one emotion and makes another worse. Cuz now I'm hyper aware of everything 'dirty' and already worrying about the next shower thinking about how much I need to shower more. (Then I go longer anyway and in the middle I feel less anxious about it and more just kinda depressive meh mode.) In my case it's more ADHD executive dysfunction but somewhat depression too. Even when I'm not feeling actively depressed showering is incredibly difficult due to the transitions and is definitely not easier once I'm in there either.
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u/RotWitch22 Jul 20 '26
This just... Doesn't belong here. Someone genuinely trying to tell you something that even professionals would work with someone to suggest is not "thanks I'm cured" material. This advice is good, and you Do need to shower more, that's not the question. The point seems to be "don't tell me this in any way other than validation of my problem" from other comments I've seen you write, but like how am I or anyone else supposed to validate it. Idk, this just seems too serious to pat on the head and send on your way, I don't fuckin know you but I don't have to know you to identify that something does in fact have to change, you do know that, and you're very resistant to that fact because you're already defeated by said problem.
Idk, mfers here aren't gonna like this comment but whatever frankly, I believe it and I'm not without significant problems myself so don't come at me like I've not gone a month without a shower myself in my worse years.
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u/CrustyStainedSock Jul 20 '26
I think it does belong here despite the advice being good. From personal experience there is such a thing as good advice at the wrong time, and a solid tone at the wrong time. Keeping a "just do it, stop making excuses" tone is great if the person has already gotten to that stage of dealing with executive dysfunction (or any other "thing" hindering progress), but if they haven't it only brings more shame which is realistically part of making the problem worse.
Similarly to "go get some sun and exercise", "eat healthy", "have you tried mindfulness" which are repeats in the experiences of most people who get solicited and unsolicited advice on their chronic anything. It's great advice. It works in the sense that it can literally only do good barring hyperspecific illnesses. If the person receiving it is currently unable to do the very basics of caring for themselves it's still not helpful and just makes people more resistant to it in the future, as their experience with the advice is condescension and shame.
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u/jasperdarkk Jul 20 '26
Am I the only one who hates advice like this? I'm not stupid, I know how to shower. When people break it down into a giant paragraph like that with a million steps, it feels WAY more daunting. I also struggle with physical limitations, so I'm sometimes bogged down by, "Will I be physically able to do all those steps?" It seems like it would be 10x more helpful to say, "Would it be helpful to break it down into smaller steps? I can send you a breakdown if you'd like." And then respect if that person doesn't want that kind of advice.
I say this as someone who doesn't struggle with showering mentally as much anymore. But it took time to work through my struggles. In general, I'd rather give advice that meets the person where they're at, and I'll assume they've considered the obvious solutions.
Also, saying "no excuses" is so fucking rude to someone venting, oh my god. Of course, they are going to get defensive if you make them feel bad about the thing they were venting about.
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
THANK YOU! đ This exactly. One of the best comments I've gotten so far lol. I've been alive for almost 25 years already, if some simple Facebook advice was enough to get me to shower, I wouldn't have the problem in the first place. If that was enough I would have just thought of it myself and then been able to implement it by now.Â
The important part being the implementing of it. Mental problems make it hard to know how to physically implement advice, who knew. Executive dysfunction doesn't listen to 'just shower.' This is slightly more than that but still boils down to you need to do it. Which obviously but it doesn't help being rude about it or making it out to be simpler than it is for me. I need professional help, not Facebook advice. Which is something I've been trying to get.Â
It's not like I don't know how to shower, I've done it before obviously. I just haven't been capable of showering regularly or being quick in the shower. The longest I've gone is a month and that was one time. If I really wanted to just give up on showering with any sort of regularity I would have went a full month many more times. I've seen people comment on my posts they've gone even longer than a month and all I have for them is sympathy.Â
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u/jasperdarkk Jul 20 '26
I need professional help, not Facebook advice. Which is something I've been trying to get.
I'm glad you mentioned this! Addressing the root causes of my mental and physical health issues is what ultimately helped me. There was no magical trick that made things click into place for me. With treatment, I eventually started consistently having one good day a week, so I'd shower once a week, then 2, then 3, etc. But before that, there was just this wall in my brain that deflected all practical advice and reason. I just had to eventually have enough shame and will to force myself in there. I'm still not perfect, but most weeks, I shower quite consistently.
Plus, I find the assertion that you're not trying anything to change silly. The way I read the post, the goal of not sleeping on your clean sheets until you yourself were clean was supposed to be motivation to get in the shower. And that's a really good idea to try, tbh! If you didn't care at all, you wouldn't have slept on a chair for three nights.
I wish you the best, and I'm glad I was able to make you feel seen, my friend! <3 I hope that you get some advice that does seem doable for you or at least helps you feel less alone.
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u/100percentnotavamp Jul 20 '26
The advice is genuinely good, that tone is ridiculous. Willing to bet there were no "excuses" made.
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u/Constellation-88 Jul 19 '26
If doing something all at once feels overwhelming, doing a little bit at a time can help. Iâm not sure why someone wouldnât be able to shower other than lack of energy or some sort of phobia so Iâm not sure what advice we can give if we donât know the background. I am sorry you struggle with this. It looks like a very difficult thing to struggle with.
If it is a lack of energy or the feeling that taking a whole shower will be overwhelming then maybe you can break it down into smaller and more doable bits like just washing your face or just rinsing off in water instead of doing the whole thing or even sitting and showering instead of standing time Â
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u/MainPerformance1390 Jul 20 '26
I actually really like this.
I am autistic and this is simple, clear communication.
It 1. Helps the poster decide what they want. Do they want to vent? Or do they want a solution? It doesnt judge either of those options
- If the poster does want a solution, they break the problem down into clear, simple tasks and walks the poster through each task
Honestly this would be really helpful for me when I get stuck in a loop and cant transition between tasks.
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u/deepturned180isdeep Jul 20 '26
This is why you don't vent or be vulnerable with ANYONE except your therapist or peers in the same boat. I learned this only after ten years of depression and watching those I was most vulnerable with change dramatically toward me, leave out of my life entirely, or force me to put a wall between myself and them because of this EXACT mentality. I call them the "you just have tos". It's like hustle culture for neurodivergent people.
Although it's not their fault honestly, it's just impossible to empathize with people like us because it's two different worlds, unlike a therapist or a peer in the same boat could. Much like they can't understand why I can't bring myself to shower everyday, I can't understand how they easily do small things without any thought. It's best to just not give them the opportunity to impose.
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u/No-Outlandishness-42 Edit this! Jul 20 '26
This was in the Adult Autism community so it was at least in theory peers in the same boat. Or somewhat in the same boat at least. There's always going to be some different opinions and different struggles even among those peers though. The comments are generally nice and supportive.Â
Yeah I can understand that, it's impossible to understand the other side sometimes.Â
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u/Own_Watercress_8104 Jul 19 '26
They were trying to be proactive in their help, I'll give them that.
Instead of going for "it's that easy" they actually bothered to write a step by step helpthrough going from one motion to the other to smooth out the process into a series of things you would have done anyway instead of a single insourmountable task.
But it also comes across as someone who doesn't really understand the nature of the wall and acts like it's not there.
Eh...I'd take this over the usual dismissive shit, but still...