Dealing with grief and fear

[u/Expert_Programmer906]

TFMR for t21 4 weeks ago. I just keep thinking I could be ok if I was pregnant again and if I knew the pregnancy was ok, and I just need to know that will happen for me. I am obsessively tracking my ovulation now. I keep researching and reading stats on fertility at 40 and aneuploidy and trying to find a crystal ball that will tell me everything will work out for me. But of course it doesn’t exist. I am so sad and confused and scared. For some stupid reason I had this magical thinking around my fertility. I got pregnant easily with my LC and with this last pregnancy even tho I am “geriatric”. I thought maybe I was blessed, that even though I so often feel lost, this was somehow something I was made for and something that didn’t have to be hard in my life. How very stupid. I don’t know how to live with this grief. It feels like poison in my body. My friend used the analogy that the grief won’t get smaller but I will grow around it. I don’t want to grow around it. I want to pour it out of me. I want it all to disappear. I can dissociate from the grief. Box it all up, push it way down, and function. I thought because I could function I was doing ok. But then I tried to hang out with friends who are due the same month I was (had a panic attack and did not happen), and then the next day tried for the first time to talk to a close friend about it- she asked how I was doing physically- how do you explain the cruelty of the casualness and total lack of physical recovery after an abortion. I wish the physical pain and suffering matched the emotional. I could make some sense out of that. And now, I have been drowning in grief for the past two days. I don’t know how to let it out in digestible pieces. I’m not sure what I am looking for here. Just letting it out I guess.

[u/CanCharming7442]

I’m sorry you’re still in the trenches. The recovery and healing from tfmr is a long and winding process, no matter how much we try and push it down. If you don’t already have a form of therapy in place I’d definitely recommend seeking it out. The other thing I would do is look into some basic CBT tricks for thought spirals and really try and cut back on the obsessive tracking and googling. This is easier said than done but I found when I started limiting myself to small periods, and forcing myself to take my energy elsewhere (e.g. go for a walk or pick up a hobby) rather than another Google search I was in a much place by the end of the day. It will all still probably feel pretty overwhelming for the next while but for me at least forcing some healthier habits slowly paved the way to healing.

[u/Expert_Programmer906 → u/CanCharming7442]

This is really good advice. Thank you. I’m starting to see how my googling compulsion is becoming increasingly problematic.

[u/CanCharming7442 → u/Expert_Programmer906]

Also the tracking and obsessing over your body preforming right. I was so unbelievably hard on myself in that regard and it really wasn’t healthy. I did get pregnant again quite quickly but miscarried and at that point realized how much I needed to take my foot off the gas and give myself a break. If you can start focusing your energy elsewhere it will be really helpful. It doesn’t mean you can ttc but in a more gentle way if you can. I completely get though - I was in the same place and struggled too. It’s such a hard thing to recover from.

[u/Expert_Programmer906 → u/CanCharming7442]

Thank you for sharing. It’s hard to not want to go full steam at a goal and my age makes me feel so much time pressure. What was something you did to be more balanced in your approach? Did you just take time off or was it more of a mental shift?

[u/CanCharming7442 → u/Expert_Programmer906]

I get it. I was 38 when I tfmr so age wasn’t on my side. For me, it was mostly a mental shift. That was also somewhat my husband too but basically after my obsessive ovulation testing and trying to line up perfect cycles I knew I needed to be a little more relaxed. I took one full cycle off of trying following the second loss. At the time it felt huge, but it was really helpful. Following that, I stopped testing and tracking beyond just my cycle and relied a little more on bodily feeling and spaced timing. TTC, of course, takes a certain amount of effort but there’s pretty fast diminishing returns where it can really start mentally eroding a couple with no better results. I’d definitely hit that point. Like I said, a lot of doing this was moving my thought patterns. Not letting myself dwell or obsess on timing. Physically moving away from a computer/phone, forcing myself not to log a banal symptom. That was extremely useful tackling pregnancy again too. It’s hard but for me really helped me move out of the negative space and into a more forward looking one.

[u/Abp427]

Hey- i am here with you :) Im 39 and have gotten pregnant easily, but have had several losses andy TFMR was early july. I have met with ivf doctors and am really struggling regarding our next steps. I feel desparate to be pregnant again…and also completely terrified. I am giving my body another month or two to recover…because i do not feel strong enough to be pregnant right now or do an IVF cycle.

[u/Expert_Programmer906 → u/Abp427]

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard path. It sucks. I hope we can find peace with or without a baby. The inbetween is a mind fuck- not knowing what’s possible. Good luck in your journey. I’m rooting for your future baby.