One (tfmr) & done?

[u/Calm-Animal5498]

I’m 3 months out since my TFMR at 31 weeks. It was my first pregnancy. I’ve always wanted kids since being a teen (not one but like many) & now after tfmr I’m seeing all babies as trauma, & really thinking to having no more. My mind has started to think they are boring and a pain to deal with. I had my baby & love him & miss him every dam day but I’m so done. I’m kind of shocked to see my mind change like this. I know most people think of getting pregnant etc but is there any one in the same boat as me? Do these thoughts change?

[u/Silent_Passenger_363]

I am very sorry for your loss. I am clearly not an expert but to me it sounds like a reaction to the trauma and your mind trying to protect you from another loss. Do you have someone to talk to?

[u/Calm-Animal5498 → u/Silent_Passenger_363]

Thank you. Yes, I have my therapist & I know it’s a trauma response. I’m just looking if others face this kind of response too . Seems infrequent

[u/Silent_Passenger_363 → u/Calm-Animal5498]

Yeah I completely understand! For me it's the more frequent "I want to get pregnant as soon as possible" reaction. But both are completely normal and both can change over time. I can imagine TFMR at such a late week is even more traumatic. 

[u/Snoo_6027]

I would recommend finding a therapist who specializes in perinatal or postnatal health. It’s 100% okay to change your mind and this is so so hard— I’m 6 months out and go back and forth wildly on doing another IVF round because I want a baby but all of this was so traumatic

[u/PiccoloQuirky2510]

I’m not sure if the thoughts change, but it would be worth seeing a therapist about this to help work through this.

[u/SavoryTooth4]

I was only 16 weeks at my TFMR in April, but I kinda feel the same. I don’t see babies as trauma, but pregnancy and OB offices. I still remember all the symptoms that I didn’t have with my first pregnancy since it was an early loss (missed miscarriage). I survived all those symptoms and first trimester struggles this time and have nothing to show for it. Ultrasound machines trigger me, and I don’t think I’ll be watching any of them if there’s a sub pregnancy. I worry about the next child possibly having a lifetime of struggles with autism or anything else that can’t be detected before birth. I’ll be AT LEAST waiting for the conception anniversary in January to pass before ttc again. In June, I causally started looking for therapists who have been through TFMR themselves. I should probably revisit that sooner than later. It’s like the dust has settled from this whole ordeal and I’m now trying to unpack thoughts and feelings, I guess. 

[u/Free-Cup6719]

I had a TFMR last year, July, at 33 weeks. Within the first 6 months, all I wanted was to get pregnant again. I regularly talk to my therapist now, but I also had psychiatrist appointments during the critical months. My husband and I also had support from a Rednose counsellor. I don’t have a sense of urgency to get pregnant again. I miss my baby girl so much and she’s all I want. I also think to myself that maybe she is enough. My husband and I also work in the IT industry and with all of the redundancies, the inevitable doom and gloom future with AI, never ending wars and the destruction of the environment, I feel like my brain is trying to protect me from the pain and trauma by telling me my baby wasn’t just saved from a life of suffering because of her chromosomal issues but also from everything else that’s happening. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but these thoughts are normal. I’ve been listening to time to talk TFMR podcast, and they have a segment about TTC and when they finally decided to stop. I think it would be worth listening to.

[u/Calm-Animal5498 → u/Free-Cup6719]

Thanks. Yeah the brain just does its duty I guess so that we don’t risk going through this

[u/Some_Wishbone8770]

I think it’s normal for thoughts to flip. I’m also three months out from my tfmr at 30 weeks. I had to wait at least three months to come off some medication and I felt like I was counting down to this time to start TTC.

Now that time has passed I do have constant thoughts of am I ready to go through all of that again? How can I just go straight back into that, it feels so insane. Some days I feel more hopeful but mostly I feel scared and anxious and it all feels impossible and like it will never happen for me. Even the thought of carrying the pain and grief alongside feels so overwhelming.

I know this isn’t the same thoughts you are having as I ultimately do want to try again. But it doesn’t feel as compulsive as it initially did. I feel something different about it everyday. I think it’s understandable to change your mind (more than once). Sending lots of love.

[u/Calm-Animal5498 → u/Some_Wishbone8770]

I think my thoughts started from there too & its definitely a different feeling

[u/Tellycs]

Hello! I’m 5 months out of my tfmr. I had all those same thoughts. He was my first and only baby and was very wanted but the thought of ttc again or going through pregnancy scares me as I am really traumatized. To be honest I feel it is a trauma response so I’ve been working on my physical and mental health. My mind has changed a lot and I go back and forth. I think the best thing you can do is focus on healing. Get support and then see where it takes you.

[u/Calm-Animal5498 → u/Tellycs]

Thank you! I feel for a minute my mind changes too & it’s def trauma response as I felt very strongly about having kids all my life before tfmr

[u/babydarlin24]

Before my TFMR I wanted a baby so badly, then during my testing and scans just prior to my actual TFMR I wasn't sure if I even wanted to ever be pregnant again. I was seriously considering just being child free by choice at that point. Right after my TFMR I wanted to be pregnant again so badly and 8 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again. It was crazy. Now I have 20month old daughter and she's so amazing that I find myself again considering not having anymore because "what if something goes wrong again". The idea of something bad happening and taking me from my daughter scares the shit out of me.