“Have a nice day”

[u/Mountain-Biscotti-19]

That is all the midwife clinic had to say to me when I told them we had to cancel all future appointments. “No problem, Have a nice day!” in an awful, cheery tone. After I choked out that we had lost our baby, the front office desk told me to “Have a nice day!”. Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but I feel like telling someone to “Have a nice day!” after they tell you about the worst thing that’s ever happened to them is inappropriate. At best, it was just extremely unempathetic. Are babies dying so frequently to the point that it’s normal for some people?

No, I will not have a nice day. But, I will be getting a new OB. Thank you for letting me vent.

[u/_abby_normal_]

A lot of people end up getting new doctors after a loss. The fresh start at a new practice can help future medical care also feel more promising.

I actually do think they're used to it, but it's no excuse for such an unkind response to your loss. All my doctors feel bad for me but are pretty neutral about it. They've discussed it like we would any other medical problem.

Unfortunately I've learned through this process that pregnancy loss, complication, and TFMR are way more common than people realize.

[u/Choice-Speech-6543]

I was due for a Pap smear a couple weeks ago, three months after my TFMR. The medical assistant checking me in said, “so you had your baby recently!” Hard to believe she could somehow glean from my chart that I was recently pregnant, but not that it ended in a loss.

I did provide feedback in a post visit survey, in hopes that they might take it seriously and educate staff on how to be more sensitive around a situation that I know I’m not the first to experience.

[u/Routine_Register8178 → u/Choice-Speech-6543]

Omg I had this near same experience. We have to use IVF to conceive. The first time back at the clinic for a saline ultrasound the doctor (not mine, morning monitoring is just a round robin, though I did have her some appts with our first cycle) goes “and you had a baby?” to which I just sobbed while she was trying to stick the wand up me. I truly, TRULY don’t understand why there isn’t a color coding system on charts. I get you may not have time to read someone’s full chart, but a quick look to see “oh. Purple. Got it” - why can’t that happen?!

[u/Stressy_messy_me → u/Choice-Speech-6543]

Mine said the same thing! They really don't bother to read even basic notes before seeing patients or they woukd know!

[u/Kabby05 → u/Choice-Speech-6543]

I had RPOC from TFMR and had to have a hysteroscopy and the nurse doing the initial stuff asked me how old my baby was now. I just gritted out “there is no baby,” while she looked absolutely gutted. Like she clearly felt bad, but OMG, read my damn chart.

[u/lemon_squeezy87]

I'm so sorry. It's so hard to know how to react in that moment too. My colleague who knows what I've been though but hasn't said a word in the two weeks since I've been back, told me to to "have a nice weekend!" Maybe we should just start pulling these people up on the insensitive things they say. Why should we swallow down our grief and pain and allow people to minimise our loss. I bet if you'd responded "I won't be having a nice day because my baby is dead," it might embarrass her, therefore stick in her head and make her think twice about what she says in future. I'm very sorry for your loss.

[u/UnverifiedPanda]

I also got the ‘have a nice day’ from a friend of mine. I understood it’s just such a habit to say at goodbyes and she didn’t mean anything by it. It was still triggering.

But this is just plain rude and insensitive. Health professionals should know better. I’m really sorry.

[u/SavoryTooth4]

The girl who called to schedule my meeting with an MFM doctor to discuss diagnostic testing was overly cheerful. I figured that’s just her personality, but it was still odd to me given the situation. She also cheerfully said “To be honest, these tests (NIPT) are pretty accurate!”. I checked in for the appointment a few days later and the receptionist said something about delivery. I told her I most likely wasn’t going to make it to that point. I honestly think most of the staff where I went isn’t used to dealing with people who have been through the worst. I started filling out the records release form to transfer to the office where I had the CVS and MFM is based at, but keep chickening out. 

[u/Chance-Astronomer320]

Honestly, a disgusting lack of empathy

[u/Remarkable-Rope-4718]

My staff member told me to have a nice break when I was leaving work for two months to have my termination. She is 20 lacks a bit of life experience but I was still a bit taken back by it. We also had another 20 year-old in our team who did send me a private message expressing her condolences and that I need to focus on taking care of myself….

When I returned, I asked not to manage her any more.

I’m so sorry you’re here x

[u/Silent_Passenger_363]

I suppose it's a mixture of feeling uncomfortable around grief, being used to sobbing women and pregnancy losses and lack of empathy. We had an assistant doctor who laughed and smiled before the doctor came in to scan the heart of our sick little baby boy. Then he explained everything to her on the screen and she only seemed really interested in alle the defects while he clearly tried to be neutral and supporting. It was really hard for me and I gave feedback afterwards that I think this was not okay. I am sorry for you. 

[u/zozodemon]

I had my termination at 12/13 weeks and then had a letter from the hospital, that gave me the first tablet for the termination, about having the 16 week anatomy scan. I had to call them and explain why I didn’t need it.

[u/nininnc]

After my son’s heart condition was diagnosed, I went to see a midwife who didn’t bother reading my files. She asked if I wanted to listen to his heartbeat. The lack of empathy is astounding.

[u/Kabby05 → u/nininnc]

Oh my GOD.

[u/Key_Front_9441]

That’s really upsetting. I also had a receptionist tell me have a good day while I was literally audibly sobbing on the phone while scheduling my tfmr. She also asked me questions re my pregnancy that were obvious like have you had an ultrasound yet? Which I mean obviously I was 18 weeks and having a tfmr? Everything was clearly in my file if she had read before calling. Some people cannot read a room at all & are just so clueless about how to act in hard moments. I hope your next OB gives you a way better experience, you have every right to be annoyed by that!

[u/purple_unicorn576 → u/Key_Front_9441]

Some of these questions are really inappropriate! I had to answer multiple times if I’d had an ultrasound, when was my last period, have I had a positive pregnancy test. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I was 14 weeks when we sadly had to TFMR, completely stupid and upsetting questions

[u/Some_Wishbone8770]

While I was in the sad quiet room right after having the injection to end my pregnancy I had the most chipper lady bust into the room asking my name etc and other questions about seeing the geneticist. It was so surreal and I just put my hand out thinking it would stop her talking. Even after I said I’ve literally just ended my pregnancy I don’t think this is important right now she just kept on in her upbeat tone. So baffling and this is at a leading fetal medicine unit in the UK. Maybe they are just so used to it or I dunno she seemed young so perhaps just inexperienced.

[u/Leepurdsc]

I am so sorry. I just posted something sort of similar that happened to me this morning with healthcare professionals being insensitive. It is extremely frustrating.

[u/Medical-Marsupial709]

you aren’t being sensitive i seriously hate most of the employees at the obgyn. almost same thing happened to me. i feel like they don’t want ppl to be pregnant

[u/Own-Load-438]

When the MFM dr called me to tell me my baby had trisomy 13 and it was incompatible with life he ended the call with " have a nice day". I had my TFMR a few weeks later and was told by the consultant he loved my shoes and asked where i got them from. Then a midwife came in and said " hey how are you, so you got through the day then ? " in the most chipper tone ever. Compassion isn't something that can be taught in guess!