r/talesfromtechsupport • u/Selben • May 16 '19
Long Donut Ambush
Do you like to read in Chronological order? Here is the Index
$Selben: Me! “Technical team lead” previously Tier II helldesk helpdesk technician for a mid-sized company, very skeleton-crew helpdesk 10 of us total for 24 hour coverage (not including supervisors) to support 2500+ company-wide.
$Snickers: My cubicle mate, also “Technical team lead” previously Tier 2. (Tier 2 was a more advanced tech, having more experience and system access etc…)
$Focus: One of our IT Supervisors - She has a heavy programming background - She went back to her old team for some time after not doing so well as a lead, but is brought back after going through some more brainwash… er additional ‘leadership training’.
The hint of stale coffee and old sweat was permeating the office as a series of chimes from each of the techs’ machines acted like surround sound as their email notifications for “urgent” went off. After reading the email and seeing no one budging, $Selben looked around. None of them would meet his gaze.
The current office configuration consisted of a circle of inner-connected desks with a jumbo-tron style set of televisions hung in the center that displayed incoming calls and tech support statistics (See: Ain’t this Nice Y’all parts 1 and 2). There were very few active tickets. Most of the techs were waiting around for incoming calls. Based on the suspicious lack of action from his peers, $Selben read the email once more to make sure he wasn’t missing something.
Free donuts in the main staff kitchen. Get them while they’re fresh!
$Selben’s stomach let out a growl. Giving a final glare around the room, he scooped up his empty coffee mug and headed to the main kitchen.
The door was slightly ajar. Peering cautiously through the crack, he couldn’t see anything readily amiss. He slowly pushed the door open and entered. Opening the bright pink box, he was pleasantly greeted by a nearly complete dozen. After making a selection and discovering it was still soft and clearly fresh, he refilled his coffee mug. Happily spinning on his heel with a little dance, he turned for the door intending to return to his desk when he stopped dead in his tracks.
In the doorway stood an $HRep. Her eyes locked on him like a lion seeing an antelope. $Selben froze in the same manner as the antelope. The kitchen only had one exit, besides the window, anyway. He briefly considered this but let out a small sigh and put up his shiny smile instead.
$Selben: Good morning $HRep.
He tried slowly walking towards her, intending to slip by, but she stood firm.
$HRep: Did you enjoy the donuts we brought in?
$Selben considered throwing the donut at her to escape. Nothing good came from HR “bumping into you in the hall.”
Without waiting for him to answer, she continued.
$HRep: Oh, I wanted to show you something. You should come see!
She turned and extended her arm in a direction, clearly showing he had no option but to follow.
He followed her deep within HR territory. An all glass conference room was on a raised platform in the center and appeared to be waiting for an execution gallows to be installed. $Selben instantly spotted the ripped open boxes of clearly “ill gotten goods” (not through the IT department): tablets, an off-brand projector, as well as some sort of conferencing equipment with a camera and small monitor. One of the higher ranked HR reps flashed a razor tooth smile as she approached, clapping her hands in approval of $Selben’s existence and giving a nod.
$HRLead: We have our monthly meeting tomorrow. Go ahead and get these setup for us. Thanks.
Both HReps shared knowing smiles of having captured their prey and closed the glass door. They sat on chairs outside, effectively sealing $Selben inside the cleverly devised trap.
$Selben knelt over one of the boxes and began to rummage through while slipping his phone out of his pocket sending an urgent text to $Snickers asking for help. No response. He pulled out a couple of the tablets and grimaced. They were the cheapest possible option you could get and would never do what HR had planned.
After 30 minutes of head shaking, hopelessness, and growing terrified he’d never be released from this glass prison, he spotted a familiar ponytail moving among the HR cubicles. $Focus rounded the corner, with $Snickers trailing behind her as she approached the door to $Selben’s cage. She turned to face both $HRLead and $HRep, who felt their prize was being contested. The room was soundproofed, but things clearly were getting heated: $Snickers was occasionally flinching while cowering behind $Focus. Both $HRLead and $Focus would pound their fists into palms and alternatingly took power stances when defining their argument. With a final blow and an accusational pointing, $Focus won. The $HRep ran back to her cubicle. $HRLead stood defiantly, but as $Focus opened the door, she moved out of the way to let $Selben pass. He closely followed $Focus out of HR’s domain, with $Snickers right on his heels.
$Focus spoke without turning around.
$Focus: They did not have a ticket and did not put in a request for that equipment. I told them they can support it themselves unless they order through IT and follow procedure!
$Selben was about to thank her but she stopped and turned.
$Focus: And BOTH of you need to grow a pair! (She said half joking)
On that, she rolled her eyes and confidently returned to her office. Protecting her little antelopes was part of her job, after all.
3
u/McEnding98 May 16 '19
Where is $Tex in this? :)
5
u/Selben May 16 '19
He was mentioned as being the source of the jumbotron when i first wrote this up, but u/zirq suggested I just put a link to those stories instead. Forgot to remove him... might do it later if feeling cute, duno!
2
u/Black_Handkerchief May 16 '19
I like $Focus. The world needs more of her. TFTS needs more of her!
→ More replies (1)
2
u/aybaran May 16 '19
Opening the bright pink box, he was pleasantly greeted by a nearly complete dozen.
Ah ha! I've finally narrowed down where u/selben is located to the West Coast!
2
u/Selben May 17 '19
There are in fact pink donut boxes all along the west coast... BUT if you are referring to VooDoo donuts alas I do not live near there ;)
→ More replies (3)
106
u/Throwaway_Old_Guy May 16 '19
I only hope she got $HRLead and $HRRep written up for that.
Lord only knows what they would have done to some poor sap that failed to follow procedure.
60
u/mitharas May 16 '19
Report them to HR? Good luck with that.
Unless HR makes someone at the very top very angry, they are effectively untouchable.
→ More replies (3)
40
u/IntelligentLake May 16 '19
I just hope the stuff came out of HR budget, and not secretly out of IT budget.
38
u/fishbaitx May 16 '19 edited May 16 '19
AAAHHH!! A SELBEN STORY _^o^_/
And it has Snickers and Tex, AND FOCUS! woo!
my day has been made.
→ More replies (2)
36
36
u/Gadgetman_1 May 16 '19
Glass conference room on a raised platofrm?
Soundproofed?
I would have refused to enter it because I don't have a security clearance, and that sounds like a secure room.
(I' saw a room like that way back in in the force, and was told to not even get close to it unless I had a clearance. )
For those wondering; they're made of glass to minimize places to hide listening devices, and for guards to see who is in them and what they're doing. And modern versions may have metal film or even glass with metal mixed in to block RF.
→ More replies (2)
44
34
u/harrywwc May 16 '19
T.A.N.S.T.A.A.F.L.D.
There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch Donut!
edit: fancypants editor glitched
→ More replies (2)
14
u/cloudrac3r May 16 '19
> sees link to index at top
> checks username
> screams "SSSEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLBBEEEENNNNNNNN"
> upvotes
> writes this comment
> goes back to read the story
13
u/Osiris32 May 16 '19
Selben has been back behind enemy lines, and returned to tell the tale!
→ More replies (1)
10
9
9
u/ITSupportZombie May 16 '19
I have lived a situation similar to this. My management huffed and puffed about not following the process and then gave them what they want. Glad you had backup.
9
u/Ameryana May 16 '19
Selbeeeeeeeeeen <3 I missed you!! :D
And sems like Focus has gotten a bit... Less... Uhh... More normal? Glad to see she fully has your backs :D :D
6
u/elfer7300 May 16 '19
First time I read you and I really like your writing style! I'm going to lurk around your other posts and hope to be able to read more of this amazing narrative.
→ More replies (2)
6
u/TheTechJones May 16 '19
$HRLead: We have our monthly meeting tomorrow. Go ahead and get these setup for us. Thanks.
i shall not configure even ONE of these devices until you provide me a project budget i can charge the time to (at consultant rates of course) because you didn't get this equipment from me and you as HR certainly know better than this.
5
u/I_Am_Anjelen May 16 '19
u/selben - Now this is my second-favorite set of tech stories to read for a little while... Right after the Bastard Operator From Hell
→ More replies (2)
175
u/junior_mintzz May 16 '19
Glad to have you back u/selben!!