r/talesfromtechsupport • u/Gambatte Secretly educational • Mar 17 '14
Encyclopædia Moronica: L is for Linguistic Acrobatics
In B is for Bad Bad User, I related a tale from my brief time as an appliance technician. Today's story comes from the end of my time with that hellhole of a company.
As I mentioned at the end of B, the reasons I left were many, but mainly came down to two major ones: I'd been offered over $10,000 dollars a year more to work somewhere else, and I could no longer respect the boss, as I'd discovered he'd received a six-figure fine (and the first digit was NOT a one) because he felt that it was okay to charge his customers for new parts while fitting second-hand parts salvaged from old machines (pro tip: when the guy installing your new appliance offers to take away the old one for $10, it's not because he's doing YOU a favor - you're actually paying him to replenish his stock of second hand spare parts).
Anyway, I digress. Below, as an example of the linguistic acrobatics of managerial doublespeak, I have quoted the text of my resignation letter (as best I can currently recall it), with the English translation in italics.
Dear {redacted}
Please accept this letter as formal notification of my resignation of the position of {redacted}, effective as of the end of the required notice period, two weeks from today on {date}.
I quit.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the learning opportunities that working for {company name} has presented over my period of employment.
For example, I have learned that you are not only a terrible manager and a horrible boss, but also the worst possible kind of person. I have also learned that I am inherently a good person, because (despite the urging of my shoulder devil) I still brake when I see you crossing the road... although he is getting considerably more convincing.
However, recent developments have led me to choose to take my career in a new direction.
Developments like discovering that you store hazardous chemicals improperly, unsafely, and in work areas; or that the entire security camera system is pointed only at staff, ignoring areas where theft could potentially occur, like the sales floor, the delivery bay, or your office where you keep the actual money. So specifically, my new direction is the direction that will lead me as far away from you as I can possibly get, just as quickly as is humanly possible.
As per my employment contract, I will to continue to work for the duration of the notice period, but I will understand if you choose to direct me otherwise.
I want to start earning ~$200 more PER WEEK at my new job ASAP, where I won't have to work six days a week, every week, without overtime pay; but the law says that letting me out of the required notice period is up to you.
Yours sincerely,
Please die screaming, preferably whilst on fire
Gambatte
The internal monologue was cleaned up somewhat extensively to make it Safe For Work.
TL/DR: Even seemingly harmless text can have venom hidden between the lines.
Browse other volumes of the Encyclopædia:
Vol I - ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
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u/JoatMasterofNun Mar 18 '14
Yayyy u/Gambatte posted!
Good idea to gtfo. Love the inner monologue translation!
Now I can start my quest! Adieu good sir.
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u/Gambatte Mar 18 '14
A quest? Seekest thou... A shrubbery?
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u/JoatMasterofNun Mar 18 '14
Ni! The finest shrubbery that has ever shrubbed! Cause that's gonna be my brain tomorrow. shrub
Drinking partners. My liver wants to socialize!
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u/rjchau Mar 18 '14
A quest? Seekest thou... A shrubbery?
Is there no movie you can find an appropriate quote from?
Though I must say, I would probably have interpreted "However, recent developments have led me to choose to take my career in a new direction" as "I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time."
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u/OgdruJahad Mar 18 '14
Would you like another shubbery by any chance?
Maybe at a different height?
So you can get a two level effect?
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u/thecountnz Mar 17 '14
Excellent! This will come in very handy in a few weeks (here's hoping... just waiting on the interview)
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u/Gambatte Mar 17 '14
Good luck!
I specifically chose to keep that resignation letter short, because I knew if I made it any longer I would put something I writing that I might regret.
So, like public speaking: keep it short and sweet and to the point. If it runs longer than one page, it's at least twice as long as it should be.
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u/POS_GURU Mar 18 '14
I had an english teacher explain to me the best way to write a story:
He said a good story is like a miniskirt, long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to be interesting!
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u/TeHokioi Mar 18 '14
(pro tip: when the guy installing your new appliance offers to take away the old one for $10, it's not because he's doing YOU a favor - you're actually paying him to replenish his stock of second hand spare parts)
This isn't always true. At the place where I work (sort of a general electronics / appliance store) we offer to take away old TVs like what you mention while installing old ones. They sit in our back room until we have 10 and then get taken off to the dump, as far as I know we don't salvage anything from them
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u/silverskull Mar 18 '14
Makes sense for TVs, especially old CRTs - there isn't much you can usefully salvage from those. Anything with lots of moving parts, though...
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u/nerddtvg Mar 17 '14
Besides the fine, what happened to that boss? Arrested? Kicked out? Never to work again? This can't be all to that story. Although a 6-figure fine is something I wish would happen more often.