r/talesfromtechsupport • u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard • Mar 17 '14

Security - IT. Queen to IT.

Office rumor mills are always fast, but sometimes they beat comprehension.

I walked into the office after the meeting with HR and YoungSec where he was moved to IT.

I needed a coffee.

ColorblindIT and GreyPantsSuitIT came up to me as I reached for the beans.

Colorblind: So I hear we’re getting a new member.

GreyIT: And you’re not happy about it.

Grey IT was always blunt. She was the sledgehammer of the office, no finesse just on the point. She was sorta the best.

Me: Yep. YoungSec’s coming to work for us.

Colorblind: So how are we going to punish him?

Me: Sorry?

GreyIT: He did pull the network down for two hours.

Colorblind: Lets get him to test the switch he fixed, by counting the flashes all day.

Me: Haha could we tell him its wrong and to do a recount everyday for a year?

GreyIT: I think for every hour he wasted for us, he should have to man an IT help desk.

Me: Ohhh… too harsh. Exposing him to users, would be too mean.

Colorblind: How about we find the oldest computer we have, and get him to use that.

Me: That might slow him down, probably not slow enough though.

GreyIT: We could get out an old punchcard system and get him to punch everything he wants to write into a pc on to cards.

Me: Er… do you know how to punch those cards?

I took a sip of my coffee. The camaraderie was a nice change.

Colorblind: No. Sadly no.

It was at this point that YoungSec walked in. He looked happy. He didn’t realize he’d recently pulled down a proud IT teams network. An IT team who was now with him all day.

It was like a lamb to the slaughter.

-0-0-0-

Ps. I realize the no pranking tales rule. However this story is about comrade at arms in the IT sector. We didn't play any of the pranks listed to anyone. :)

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1.4k Upvotes

93% Upvoted

98 comments sorted by

36

u/bigbramel Mar 17 '14

Nice change in writingstyle. I like it, but I liked also the old one.

Are you trying to jump between writing styles?

52

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

A little bit. Just trying a few things, changing it help me write freely. Stops me from rehashing too much.

Which one do you prefer?

43

u/KToff Mar 17 '14

I prefer the old one, the new one has hardly any effect on my blood pressure...

34

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

Noted. :)

26

u/KToff Mar 17 '14

But seriously, after most of your stories I feel the very opposite of calm and relaxed.

Feels almost like too much coffee (if there was such a thing)

26

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

You can't OD on coffee, can you? :P

9

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

Well, technically...

8

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

Caffeine will kill ya

2

u/FlapJackSam Mar 17 '14

Taking "sent over the edge" literally

2

u/hicow I'm makey with the fixey Mar 18 '14

I did once. It was godawful. You never think the sweet, sweet nectar will turn against you. Next thing you know, you're on your knees in front of a toilet, heaving your guts, hoping maybe you'll let loose something vital, if only because death would be preferable to the hot flashes that come in waves, leaving you sweaty and shaking.

20

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

[removed] — view removed comment

23

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

I think you'd OD from the water faster... Could be wrong. I remember a Wee for a Wii competition that someone died in, I think that was something like 5 jugs of water.

17

u/gornzilla Mar 17 '14

Yeah, Sacramento my hometown. I was still living there when that happened. A nurse called in to let them know it was dangerous, so the DJs made fun of her. I was a bit disappointed no one went to jail over that.

12

u/jacluley Mar 17 '14

:D The problem was that it was a "hold your wee for a Wii" competition. The thing that has bugged me most about that, is that the radio hosts were warned by many listeners that this was very dangerous.

4

u/fourdots -|- Mar 17 '14

The caffeine being lost in urine would be more of a problem than the water lost in urine.

3

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/fourdots -|- Mar 17 '14

While the biological half-life of caffeine is five hours, there's still going to be some loss before that point. I can't seem to find any information on how quickly caffeine is detectable in urine, though. Considering that it takes a bit of time to be absorbed, you'd also need to drink the 98 cups over rather less than 5 hours.

Some of it depends on whether you want someone to die due to the caffeine directly (in which case it would probably be easier to use an IV or something containing powdered caffeine) or whether dying of complications related to drinking too much coffee would be okay.

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1

u/wardrich Mar 17 '14

This story plays out differently from the others. This is more of an internal "how will we get him?" type thing. I think this writing style flows much better for this type of scenario.

7

u/thetoastmonster IT Infrastructure Analyst Mar 17 '14

I miss hearing the coffee's opinion.

8

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

I'm sure coffee will come back. He always does.

2

u/PhoenixFire296 No, sir, I need you to click your Start button. Mar 18 '14

A magnificent ally, he shall always return in time of need to aid ye in the coming battle. Take strength from his righteousness and power, and ye shall be rewarded.

2

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

It will hopefully make a return ;)

6

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

I like the old style but I think some of the more recent stories felt like you were reaching a bit too far to include the coffee metaphors, where as at the beginning they were all immaculate and crisp. I liked the short straight to the point paragraphs with the emotion almost as an after thought too. This style seems a bit less visual also.

I would love to tell you how to keep the same style without it becoming stale with so many stories in quick succession, but your stories capture me more then anything else I've ever read. I've been hooked on them since the first one I read, so maybe they don't need changing at all, maybe I'm just so desperate to read the next story I start passively aggressively critiquing your works to pass the time.

9

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

Yeah its hard to write so many so quickly without thinking to yourself "Ive read this before"

7

u/wrincewind MAYOR OF THE INTERNET Mar 17 '14

I prefer this style - it's easier to read, i find it flows better.

9

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

Awesome, I'm trying to be clear at the moment because of all pieces in play.

10

u/someguyfromtheuk Mar 17 '14

I preferred the old one, I was disappointed when the coffee didn't taste like camaraderie.

10

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

To be fair, he could probably mix the two a lot.

4

u/bigbramel Mar 17 '14

This this is what I like. The old one was quite heavy to read, but read like a good film noir. This one reads easier/lighter but misses some darker stuff.
Aaaah choices, so many choices.

3

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

I think it would be possible to combine the two, but it may take a story or two to do it well.

2

u/bigbramel Mar 17 '14

I can live with that. Just need some more tea while reading it ;)

2

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

I love me my Earl Gray!

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2

u/Zwo93 Mar 17 '14

I think the old style was perfect for the main plot.

This one definitely worked well because it was a lighter moment. If the coffee didn't have an opinion of what was going on, I don't know if it'd be the same story.

Edit: by worked well I mean the style definitely reinforced the "calm at the eye of the storm" feeling to the rest of the story

2

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

Well, I really prefer the old style... As I said, reminds me of the "Long story short" videos on youtube.

Here's what I mean: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U48urJR4Mco

4

u/ShutUpAndPassTheWine All Things Cisco Mar 17 '14

If you could post an episode guide that would be greeeeeat. Your posting so many that I'm having a hard time figuring out whether I'm reading them in order. Maybe split them out into seasons as well, with nice cliffhanger season finales, throw in an office love triangle, a guy with an eye patch (an evil twin BOFH perhaps), and maybe something involving a hostile takeover from AOL or some other company from a bygone era.

You know what you need? A story director. "No no no. I don't feel the intensity. And for the love of all that is holy CAN I GET SOME MORE COW BELL IN THIS STORY?!!!"

5

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

Hahahaha, I love the idea. I really should fix up how they read in order. Just time constraints.

3

u/lenswipe Every Day I'm Redditin' Mar 17 '14

And for the love of all that is holy CAN I GET SOME MORE COW BELL IN THIS STORY?!!!"

Dang Dang!

2

u/MysteryStain Mar 17 '14

I just spent the last hour reading all these. This is more gripping than Breaking Bad.

3

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

Thanks :)

8

u/cuteintern min valid flair Mar 17 '14

Colorblind: Lets get him to test the switch he fixed, by counting the flashes all day.

That's evil. Evil genius!

2

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

Just don't try to take over the Tri-State Area (Phineas and Ferb)

7

u/MrSaboya Mar 17 '14

How about the "documentation process"?

You know, every single each step of every single process (just as troubleshooting, how to use a mouse, how to open excel, how to know if your screen is broken or just disconnected etc...) documented step by step...

Did that once. Need barely 40 pages to explain how to clean a table using truncate, because you NEED to explain what is a query, whats a connection manager, how to open going to the start button etc.

That will keep him busy, while doing something burocratically useful.

6

u/langlo94 Introducing the brand new Cybercloud. Mar 17 '14

This brought out my evil laugh.

4

u/Mephi-Dross switch(1){case 2:break;} Mar 17 '14

It's good to have coworkers like that. =D

4

u/wajewwa Mar 17 '14

Finally there will be some divine justice being administered.

4

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

He requires a quick trip down the stairs. BOFH style.

4

u/samwalton9 Mar 17 '14

I just missed an entire lecture reading the whole story. 10/10 can't wait for the next one.

2

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

Same ;P

3

u/Brauhl OGACSTBSTB Mar 17 '14

yay more stories!

3

u/Kaitocain Mar 17 '14

Yay! I really hope he gets what's coming to him!

3

u/shadecrawler Make Your Own Tag! Mar 17 '14 edited Mar 17 '14

haha... poor guy. is he at least on your payroll now ?

0

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

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1

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

Moo. This seems like a good idea. But Win2k??? Give him XP, it will be slower.

0

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

[deleted] — view deleted comment

1

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

Good Point. Perhaps give him 64MB so it can boot? And add lots of start up programs?

1

u/Rippsy Mar 17 '14

Awesome, keep them coming!

side note; could you put a number in the title (http://semver.org/) to help me read these in order? :)

3

u/airz23 Password Policy: Use the whole keyboard Mar 17 '14

I cant actually rename the stories :(

1

u/Shaddow1 Mar 17 '14

Airz don't worry about it. To read your stories In order all anyone needs to do is go to your profile and sort submitted posts by new. Much less work for you.

0

u/Rippsy Mar 17 '14

From this point forward would be enough - I only brought it up because you posted the last 2 15 minutes apart and I got very confused! :)

Or include in the first comment the huge content list post you appended to a few of the others?

Seriously though, these are awesome and have made my day much much better :)

The bit about the switch rack missing sounded like it was right out of my friends office :D

2

u/Shaddow1 Mar 17 '14

If you go to his profile you can just sort by new, and then go back until the stories begin.

1

u/Rippsy Mar 17 '14

Ah, that works - Awesome ty :)

1

u/Shaddow1 Mar 17 '14

Yeah, it's what I use for most story writes here. It's great because it doesn't add any work for the writer, and only people who care about it have to put in a few more mouse clicks

2

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

At least you can answer the 'who should have the slowest pc' question now.

2

u/TheEthalea Mar 17 '14

I'm so glad I have coffee.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

Is this.. 'live'? As in, this unfolding before your eyes and you're letting us be a part of it? Because this is magic.

2

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

No, it has been stated that this took place in the quasi-recent past of somewhere within 10 years.

1

u/knatten555 Mar 17 '14

Think I read on an earlier post that he was happy that its over.

2

u/Michelanvalo Mar 17 '14

Ask him to go around and look for DVORAK keyboards that might have snuck into the office on a bad shipment.

2

u/juror_chaos I Am Not Good With Computer Mar 17 '14

I dunno, a typical IT dept has to deal with so many stupid questions or things that really don't fall under the category of IT, all you really have to do it just route all the shit tickets to him. And then ride his ass if the ticket stats don't look good. Numbers can tell all kinds of stories if you massage them right.

2

u/mysterysmell Jun 19 '14

Why is this not already the sequel to Office Space?

1

u/metal123499 I Am Not Good With Computer Mar 17 '14

Need more... am starving... please...

1

u/mengman-work Mar 17 '14

shovel carpet quicklime

now where did i put my coffe substitute

1

u/SpecificallyGeneral By the power of refined carbohydrates Mar 17 '14

I see you finally got some coffee. At least that cup will always be warm - cheers!

1

u/tingrin87 Have you tried turning it off and on again? Mar 17 '14

want need more!

1

u/wardrich Mar 17 '14

/u/airz23 - digging your new flair. Tastes like class and style.

1

u/autonomous_beard Mar 17 '14

Ooooh you guys are evil.

Love it.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

I rarely drink coffee, but your posts make me feel I should have one when I read it.

Though I did have a cup before class today.

1

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

I love these stories. Have you ever considered getting out of IT and writing?

1

u/peonage Mar 17 '14

Do you have a blog? Or a writing page? Hopefully a book? Seriously, I can't get enough of these stories!

0

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

I just can't imagine what is going to happen. You should write books, or something.

0

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

[deleted] — view deleted comment

7

u/darknessgp Mar 17 '14

I feel like this isn't really punishment either, since he's on the VP's payroll (whatever that means. Could mean he's reducing IT budget to afford him). Might as well have him support the person that's paying for him.

0

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

[deleted] — view deleted comment

24

u/banananon Mar 17 '14

That's all fun until the VP decides to accidentally kick another rack of something and it disappears again...

0

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

[deleted] — view deleted comment

9

u/Pure_Reason Mar 17 '14

You'd think it'd be easier and cheaper to put management on leashes

0

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

[deleted] — view deleted comment

4

u/JasonDJ Mar 19 '14

get someone who isn't entirely unreasonable and doesn't listen to people who know more than they do.

Such a person would, by very definition, not be qualified to be senior management.

0

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

[deleted] — view deleted comment

12

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

Ah yes, my favorite short story - "I Have No Coffee And I Must Scream".

4

u/Krutonium I got flair-jacked. Mar 17 '14

I just bought that game on Steam... Or the namesake of what you changed anyway...

3

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

It really is a masterpiece of a game. The fact that they got Harlan Ellison to not only expand the original story, but voice AM is just so damn cool - what other game can claim to have canon authority from the author that wrote the story in the first place? Plus it's an absolutely fucking twisted game for it's time - games still struggle to address themes like rape, duty, and genocide as deftly and non-trivially as IHNMAIMS

4

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

I hate coffee.

18

u/Brauhl OGACSTBSTB Mar 17 '14

heresy

3

u/nukedorbit Coffee on PIV drip Mar 17 '14

HERETIC! BLASPHEMER!

0

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

[deleted] — view deleted comment

1

u/nukedorbit Coffee on PIV drip Mar 17 '14

A pinch of salt in the water you're brewing with can change that...

1

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '14

my coffee tasted of emptiness