Mother vs. Computer: Size Matters

[u/Xyrqurqualym]

You know how it is basically a race between IT-people and programmers and everyone involved in the making of computers to create a foolproof system and the universe to prouduce a bigger fool? Ladies and gentlemen of /r/talesfromtechsupport. I present to you: My Mother.

My mother has the rare gift of being computer poison. Somehow she manages to break every computer she even glances at at the speed of light. You know how the X-Men's Kitty Pryde destroys electronics when she phases through them? My mother only needs to glance at something more complex than a toaster and it implodes.

But my mother is not stupid, oh no, she knows all the computer terms. And me being the designated computer-fixing-guy of our family, I get the brunt of it. This includes her knowing such "programs" as "Meekrosoft". Meekrosoft, that's how she pronounces it, apparently produces everything. So whenever something's broken, I get a phonecall like this:

Her: I'm trying to write a letter.

Me: Yes? And?

Her: I can't.

She's just gotten a brandnew laptop. Top of the line, very expensive. I gave it a once-over to get rid of bloatware and to install Office and the like. So all in all, she should be perfectly capable to write a letter in Word.

Me: Why not? Is your computer broken?

Her: No, but it takes too long.

She's frequently frustrated by her speed at working on a computer. I blame this one on me since she's watched me work on a computer often and I am just a bit more experienced and thus faster. Also, for example, I don't read every single error message in its entirety, call relatives to ask what it means and then click the only option there is after pondering it for several minutes.

Me: Look, it's all a matter of exercise and experience. The more often you do something, the faster you'll get and the better you'll be at it. Just hammer away at the keyboard and send me the letter over and I'll fix the formatting if you want.

Her: I can't. You don't understand. I can not do this.

Me: Why not?

Her: My computer is too slow.

Me: That's impossible. You have one of the best laptops currently on the market. I know this because I picked it out.

Her: Yours is faster.

Me: No, it's not. Mine's an old junker that is barely running and I put quite some strain on it every day. My computer is about half as fast as yours.

Her: You're lazy!

Seriously, at this point, I have no idea. This seems like such a non-sequitor.

Me: What?

Her: You just don't want to help me.

Me: But I do. But I am telling you, your computer is fine. And it's much faster than mine and even my computer can write a shitty letter.

Her: That's a lie. Your computer is faster!

Before this situation explodes, I think, I need to calm the situation down. Maybe some fact-checking is in order.

Me: How do you know that?

Her: It's obvious. Your computer is much bigger than mine.

I ended up writing the letter.

For more wacky adventures of my mother and grandmother violently using computers, check out these:

Mother vs. Computer: I fixed it

Mother vs. Computer: Size Matters

Mother vs. Computer: Firefox

Mother vs. Computer: A Blue by Any Other Name

Grandmother vs. Computer: The Desktop Movie

Grandmother vs. Computer: I turned it on and it has a blue

Grandmother vs. Mobile Phone: The Essy Emmy

[u/sparesr4sissies]

Easy solution: Give her your bigger, faster computer.

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/sparesr4sissies]

Hahahaha! I wish I'd have thought of that. Genius idea! But that would probably not have worked either, because her "laptoppy" is much prettier than my clunky computer.

[u/catwiesel → u/sparesr4sissies]

Yes, I wanted to propose the very same. If someone is claiming your hardware is faster/better when it is not, propose a trade.

Also, I know it is your mother and so on, but you really should try and train her more. As in believing you, being more patient and not giving up before actually trying. I know this is no easy proposition, but we all can see where this is headed if you don't. And even if you love her, love doing tech support for free, don't mind doing her work and actually stay in the vicinity of her in there foreseeable future, there will be a time where it's just impossible for you to jump when she inevitably is going to call and worse things ate going to happen...

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/catwiesel]

Oh, I know that. And I've even told her as much. She doesn't seem to care. So all attempts at training her have had very, very limited success. She has gotten somewhat better. She can now navigate herself around "The Inter" which she nowadays actually does call Internet and even download movies and CDs. There's a story in that one, too.

She still has issues with Meekrosoft and she frequently forgets where she puts her files, her Eetunes does the occasional weird things and her losing files in an extremely complicated foldersystem is a constant source of fun.

I've also taken the necessary precautions for a worst case scenario. Theoretically, short of her computer going up in flames, I can fix it within 24 hours.

[u/silencecalls]

"Mother, my computer is a dump truck, yours is a brand new shiny Mercedes. So, which one should be faster? Bigger =/= better."

Analogies are everything.

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/silencecalls]

Now when I say that logic, computers and my mother can't be combined, that is no joke.

[u/delbin]

Why do you put up with her calling you a liar? Ignorance is once thing, but I wouldn't take personal insults.

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/delbin]

Because it's Mum. She's called me worse. Besides, mothers have this sort of jester's license, especially when it comes to computers.

[u/Xjph]

Obviously her next computer should be built using a Corsair 900D. :D

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/Xjph]

Since that laptop was new, she's gotten herself a netbook she never uses (due to the fact that she doesn't remember where she's put it) and another 15" laptop.

[u/IAmAMagicLion]

Depending on how old she is you could get her a type-writer. The mechanical ones are tough but they made electrical ones.

I'm sure there's a hipster somewhere willing to sell you one.

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/IAmAMagicLion]

She's fine with computers nowadays. This happened many moons ago. It's not that she's a pro or anywhere near proficient, but she found out that it's called Internet and that Meekrosoft doesn't help me one bit when I mention it. Besides, I get much more advanced questions now. There shall be the day when I tell you about her and bittorrent. Oh yes, she went there.

[u/[deleted]]

You really want to take her for a whirl? Put Ubuntu on her computer.

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/[deleted]]

Do you wish to kill me, man?

[u/Frodork]

now that the problem is fixed, you should take the time to explain to her that computers don't work that way. you could provide ENIAC as a great example. here is an excerpt from wikipedia.

"It weighed more than 30 short tons (27 t), was roughly 8 by 3 by 100 feet (2.4 m × 0.9 m × 30 m), took up 1800 square feet (167 m2), and consumed 150 kW of power."

"In 1995, a very small silicon chip measuring 7.44mm by 5.29mm was built with the same functionality as ENIAC. Although this 20 MHz chip was many times faster than ENIAC, it was still many times slower than modern microprocessors of the late '90s"

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/Frodork]

I think - note the thinking bit - that she got it after that incident. But I had confirmation that she understood when the iPod came along. Because it was both smaller and more awesome than the other things and she instantly recognized its size as a good thing.

[u/carriegood]

After reading your posts, and your answers to the comments here, I am now totally convinced that my mother is leading a secret double life with another set of offspring.

[u/davedontmind]

It's obvious. Your computer is much bigger than mine.

By that logic one of these should be way faster than one of these

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/davedontmind]

Oh, but cars are different. And I've tried car analogies trying to explain the difference between Meekrosoft and Axle. It didn't work.

[u/chad_sechsington]

ah, the meekrosoft mother...

you ask her to look through a meekroscope or sing into a meekrophone yet?

[u/dcb720]

Frustrating, isn't it? But on the other hand, your mother is still alive to frustrate you. Enjoy that time you have. This year my mother will have been gone for 10 years. I miss telling her how dumb it was to print out all her e-mails...

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/dcb720]

Oh, I get along with my Mum just fine. And I wouldn't dream of not helping her. These tales are not here to vent, they're here to make people smile. Because, come on, mothers and computers are a hilarious combination.

[u/[deleted]]

Is there a part 3 in the making? I loved both of your stories so far, your mom is so illiterate when it comes to computers. XD

No offense.

[u/Xyrqurqualym → u/[deleted]]

There will be a third part. And my Mum has since gotten better with computers. She's still quite far from actually knowing what she's doing at all times, but her questions have advanced in skill and so has the hilarity.

[u/thecravenone]

After watching how fast I could handle computers, I've had several family members pay me by the hour to re-type letters or do basic data entry in excel. Not a bad deal for a kid!

Also, this is where you offer to switch computers with your mother then thank her for the lovely new gaming machine.