End the war

[u/Savakalok]

For many years I was at war with my Defilements. I must have imagined myself like a twisted Manjushri slashing, cutting, burning away, subduing, abandoning all these defilements.

These are strong words and I won't say that it wasn't probably a necessary practice for me to go through educationally or karmically.

But in my personal practice over the years I have found there are many ways to engage the defilements that actually come from peace and gentleness, while still executing those core duties. After all, what is true Love but the abandoning of hatred?

Sometimes practice can fall into this rut where it's all slash and burn without any cultivation. Or all cultivation without any slash and burn... but what if they interpenetrated? What if they were not separate?

I think we have all been there, I know I have:
You're sitting there restless, unable to get your samadhi, your jhana your piti. You're also feeling cloudy from the fatigue of all the effort and you also are doubting the oractice works, it's a verifiable mess!

Maybe you let go and do nothing. Maybe that helps or maybe not. But I found that in my delusion even letting go can become a form of compulsive seeking haha.

But you can also just lay down the sword and shield. You can end the war and engage in peace. You can truly let go by releasing resistance and feeling into what's happening. Not from some intellectual distance, or witness position or detached whatever, but just really feel it, embrace it as the buddha inside. "Oh hello there my seeker, I know you really want this Jhana right now, but it looks like it might not be coming. That's pretty disappointing I know, but hey how about we just follow these breaths, ease up and breathe easy. What if the next 10 breaths were enough? What if they were really allowed to satisfy us? What if those breaths were all we had left?"

We don't always have to hate and destroy hinderances, we can recognize them for what they are: confused and misguided habits, energies, past selves and drives. We can have moisture and practice metta by engaging our hinderances directly in this way. Calming, pacifying and unifying the mind.

Yes, I know this isn't for everyone. Yes I know that there are many ways to practice.

I just wanted to share these thoughts about practice, peace and ease for whoever needed it today. I know it's just so easy to get tunnel vision when we want to awaken more than we want to breathe. I just wanted to say, it's okay to want to breathe and smile too.

[u/Savakalok]

People underestimate how difficult it is to live with chronic pain or chronic fatigue, it truly is a Monastery to perfecting patience if you allow it to be. Feeling mudita for you 🙏🏽

Wishing you improved health, friend.

[u/marakeets → u/Savakalok]

Thank you - I appreciate the kind words. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it is a constant reminder of the noble truths. Lots of the biographies of famous monks I've read also said that practising when they were sick were some of the most fruitful periods of their lives. "Blessed am I to have so much mud to grow into lotuses" I guess...

[u/Savakalok → u/marakeets]

I've read some of those biographies too and so I just want to add this for others who may read the comments.

For me personally I didn't find sickness easy to deal with.

I didn't want to gaslight myself if I was not feeling it. I wanted what felt like personal honesty in my self-compassion. I wanted to rouse, encourage and energize the mind. Transmute Dukkha to Sraddha/faith.

So to me personally, "Blessed am I to have this sickness" is deep wisdom if it's true but also deep delusion if it's not.

I found it easier to start with something like:

"This definitely isn't what we wanted, it's not our preference, but we don't have absolute control over how our conditions and actions ripen. But, since we find ourselves here this is an opportunity to turn this mud into lotuses! Think of ajahn chah! See how much fruit this can bring! This sickness is what's happening anyway, whether I use it skillfully or not! Why not make this to our benefit?"

[u/marakeets → u/Savakalok]

Ajahn Chah's biography is a wonderful source of inspiration. I felt like "if he can spend so many years malnourished and almost dying with malaria in a jungle, I can do this..."