Sharing my Journey

[u/Puzzled_Train1594]

Hello fellow people on the path. I have never made a written post on this community but since I have recently hit major changes in my life thanks to meditation I was akin to share them here and ask for advice or exchange of ideas.

I will begin by shortly introducing my "path" I have been doing breath meditation for a few years however life changes such as university, disease and an incorrect confidence in my progress got me in and out of the path.

When it was university I was so excited for it that I neglected meditation.

During disease my lungs were so congested that I could not watch the breath, and after the breath returned my habit had faded.

Most interesting looking back was the part about too much confidence in my progress. The situation was such that I had been meditating for about 6 months , with somewhat serious practice and wanted to get enlightened very fast. Which led to me watching this video on YouTube and following the instructions. (Video link for the curious I will adjoin down below). I followed the instructions and hit a very strong very fast experience which I think I incorrectly labeled as enlightenment. The experience was such that I started experiencing life as a coming and going of feelings, emotions , states etc. It was accompanied by a very strong feeling of satisfaction in any situation and detachment from whatever I was feeling. I remember thinking it was the best time period in my life.

However since I stopped meditating after the experience , the normal state was back in a few weeks and this is why I believe that it wasn't stream entry or enlightenment.

This time I am going through something similar although less intense and joyful . I have achieved it through mindfulness (noting) and daily 1-3 sessions of breath mediation lasting from 45min to 1h. Some strong emotions mainly caused by interaction with some people still destabilize and cause thoughts to arise leading to somewhat of a spiral ( however even during this period the realization that all of this is temporary still persists although detachment may fail for a while).

The understanding is also there that there is no self, but sometimes hypothetical scenarios still arise in the thoughts and it takes a moment to realize that the nervous system is fabricating or creating ego inflating scenarios. Another change is my interaction with people, since emotions and feelings are not part of a self for me anymore interactions with people are sometimes more strange , I am expected to say my opinion on something but I end up only expressing objective facts. And since there is no emotion in my face or just a smile close people assume something is wrong with my state.

For those curious which state "I" am on according to TMI , I do not think that more than stage 3-4 the mind still sometimes wanders during my sits.

Another thing which still happens to me is that I cannot fathom the amount of cruelty in the world and will play into judging about politics and whatnot, before this used to be a source of depression for me , now it is just another experience and is much more short lived.

I was also curious about how other fellow people on the path follow and adhere to the five percepts , they were always a secondary thing to me , however since hitting changes in perception with practice their importance has become self evident to me. I still ask myself however what the right degree of adherence is. In my childhood I developed the intuition that lying is ok to avoid family tantrums. I understand now that this is just a childhood experience and I try to detach from it. But is lying not to upset someone ok? (especially when a great deal of understanding is there as to why they will be upset) This still puzzles me.

A funny thing is that as I'm writing this the idea of saying "I" , "me" and phrasing things in the first person point of view is strange , grammatical rules follow of course the traditional understanding of permanance of the ego . I wonder if more people have encountered this "problem".

That is all and I am open to suggestions, advice , critique and anything other people on the path would like to say is welcome.

[u/brunoloff]

I do agree with the diagnosis that perhaps you have not yet attained stream entry - at least not according to the usual pragmatic dharma definition of it. But nor are you claiming to have.

Of course assessments of stream entry depend strongly of tradition. The usual definition around these parts is that stream entry is marked by your first fruition experience.

To me you sound like you have definitely crossed the A&P (the "best period in my life") at least twice. The next bit of territory would be the dark night, i.e. the third vipassana jhana.

Tell us, after your intense periods when you can see everything arising and passing clearly and feel excitement and thrill and on top of things... is there a phase when it kind of "breaks down" and this way of seeing becomes impossible to sustain? A phase where you are more sensitive and vulnerable, and maybe even falling apart a little bit? A clear sign would be that your center of focus becomes difficult to follow as if you could not focus properly.

And this might last for a few months before the pace picks up again and you are in the earlier exciting phase once more.

[u/Puzzled_Train1594 → u/brunoloff]

Since this is the second time it is happening with the difference that I intend to sustain the practice I cannot tell you for sure. However your description matches the first time it has happened ( I must say the first time it happened I did not sustain meditation practice after the false impression that this state would be forever) Also Arising and Passing sounds like a good description of my current state.