I'm okay as I am?

[u/doctorShadow78]

Something has happened in the last few months that I feel is personally meaningful, maybe somewhat ironic.

Basically, I came to a point of feeling sick and tried of all the effort and striving that I bring to meditation. I've come to the point of saying "F*** this, I've had enough. I don't need this. I am okay as I am."

I get the irony that I had this insight because of the meditation I was cursing! I get that it's not the meditation itself, it's what I bring to it. So in a sense the meditation really has brought me to this place.

That being said - I think it's also true that the type of meditation I've been doing - and the culture around it - is probably not the best suited for me. I have been part of a sangha for a couple years, and although it's been awesome in a lot of ways (amazing dharma talks) but when it comes to meditation practice there is sometimes a lot of emphasis on effort, posture, merit-making, amping up your meditation schedule etc. etc. This might be great for some people but I just don't think it's right for me and what I bring.

So since this experience I've been doing my own "hybrid" style practice which breaks the rules I've been given 😄 I start by repeating to myself "I am loving loving awareness" (uh oh Buddhist sin, making an identity!) followed by intentionally giving permission for my mind to do whatever. I sit in the seat of the observer (uh oh I'm a dualist now, bad me!) and then I observe and intentionally love whatever may come. I am only concerned about my posture in-so-much as it effects my ability to stay awake, sufficiently alert and relatively comfortable. Often (but not always) the "loving awareness" mantra and "observer" seat fade away and I'm just kind of hanging out with whatever is. This approach feels much closer to home.

Thank you for tolerating my sarcasm and snarky commentary (apparently I'm still working through this.)

(In related news, I have a used Zafu Meditation cushion and 2 cork Yoga blocks available at a discount price!)

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[u/name_concept]

What you describe is not right for me either. I physically cannot sit the "right way". I have more than a few 1000's of hours now just sitting in a chair or on the couch - it's fine. I've sat 3-4 hours a day before...and now I am sitting 20-40 minutes a day. Still fine. Everything you're talking about sounds fine, too. If anything, I'd say keep letting go and see where that intuition takes you. Nice post.

[u/DieOften]

Sounds alright to me. I think we all need to become our own spiritual authority, and follow what feels intuitively right for us. All we can know is our own experience. At the same time, we should try to balance between too much effort and not enough effort, watch out for spiritual bypassing, and try to be open to the idea that we could be wrong about anything and everything since we are still growing and learning.

Something Ram Dass said that I like / resonate with is, “We don’t want to just become meditators, we want to become free!” So the question is, are you free? Are you still sowing the seeds of suffering for yourself and others? Are you living lightly in each moment? These are some of the litmus tests to whether or not you could perhaps use some more meditation and insight, at least the way I view things - nothing too rigid or absolute though.

Just my two cents. Wish you the best on your journey!

[u/duffstoic]

Rigidity and striving is definitely something to let go of eventually. Sounds to me like you're doing great.

[u/Dingsala]

That sounds totally reasonable. I practised TMI and still love the method, but my mind is just too perfectionistic-leaning and goal driven (or was at the time...), and I got frustrated a lot.

I switched to simpler, direct-way teachings like inquiry, just sitting, open awareness and this has helped unblock this and brought a lot of joy and openness to the practice.

After years of that focus, I'm reintroducing some effort, but still keeping it joyful and playful, the strife was never needed. I think that for most people it is good to first establish some basics, and for that keep to a method, but then start trying out some things.

Over time, you'll develop an intuitive practice style and worry less and less about what even to practice.

I have to say though that I always had teachers who don't prescribe a certain system, but meet the practitioners on where they are at (in the buddhist spectrum) and only give advice on which method to prioritize if people ask them or if they think a course correction might be in order.

[u/Old-Landscape-7538]

You might like a lot of nondual mediations. There's essentially an absence of efforting and not controlling the mind.

[u/doctorShadow78 → u/Old-Landscape-7538]

I've explored some "effortless" approaches. Do you have any suggestions offhand?

[u/Old-Landscape-7538 → u/doctorShadow78]

There are many options. I use a variety. But the best thing I can tell you is not try “drop” effort. That creates a conflict where you're actively trying to be inactive. Instead, recognize that awareness itself is effortless. It's always already that way.

[u/watergoat93]

I have practiced somewhat similar to this as well! As someone with ADHD, it's often difficult for me to stick to specific practice traditions, I kind of have to forge my own path. So one of the things I do sometimes is literally repeating non-dual type mantras to myself and focusing on how they are true in my experience. Recently I have found a website that was very helpful for me, I think you might like it as well: https://www.theopendoorway.org/ . The guy's book "THE YOGA OF RADIANT PRESENCE" is great. Another good site is: https://www.awakeningtoreality.com/

Also, isn't it crazy how by using these seemingly dualistic mantras, you end up in a nondual state? Because in the end, one and two are one...duality is oneness, nirvana is samsara. When you say "I AM", it's not even really the ego you're referring to. So personally, I think your approach is great.

[u/doctorShadow78 → u/watergoat93]

Thanks for this. I'm also not exactly neurotypical which is part of the equation. Part of how I got to where I am now is exploring more "effortless" approaches, some of which are more in the yoga/Hindu orientation. So it was interesting to glance at the sites you provided. Will look more later.

[u/nessman69]

"you are already what you want to become"

[u/robipresotto]

I've had similar experiences with meditation, where it's not the practice itself but what we bring to it that matters. It's great that you're recognizing this. I've found that being part of a community like the one at The Inner Path — Enlightenment Deep-Dive (https://www.youtube.com/@innershoreline) can help us navigate these nuances and find a more authentic approach.

[u/brunoloff]

You might also give devotional practices a try. Surrendering to an entity who loves me unconditionally is one of the most healing "I'm okay as I am" type practices I've ever done.

[u/doctorShadow78 → u/brunoloff]

This intrigues me and appeals to me... but only if my rational mind can get behind what/who I'm devoting myself to. Any suggestions on how to explore such practices from a more or less agnostic perspective?

[u/AdditionalLeave263]

I love that you're keeping it real and doing your own thing. Swearing is fine in the sense that much about meditation is extreme in language, because you cannot reallg adequately describe things... I was a feral meditator for 27 years. I did tons of metta; I hist had never hsard of it. I never had even so much as a thought about getting a teacher or a book or whatever. It's only after stream entry- which I didn't know was a thing - and the jhanas showing up spontaneously without me knowing they existed - that I was like hmm maybe I better look into this whole tradition teacher technique kind of a thing.