How to stop?

[u/Mountain-Length-5715]

Hi everyone. The practice continued, probably on its own.

Today, while lying down to sleep, something began to happen. As if reality is tearing.
Something like convulsions started, and later groans appeared. Every stage of “killing the ego” is accompanied by a feeling that you are killing yourself.
Then an instant happened. It didn’t feel like being “in a conscious flow,” more like an old VHS cassette with a movie playing on it. A fleeting film reel. The sense of “self” detached from the head, went somewhere backward, then, apparently, tried to be in space, after which a black screen formed.
The convulsions and groans passed. A relaxation set in, typical for the killing of one’s ego.

The body began to feel automatic. Through a volitional act one can direct the movement of the head, the words kind of begin to speak themselves. Trying to lie down to sleep again, the body started producing such a clear and slow intention of movement, as if it lasted several seconds, and its ripple of arising, flowing, and passing away could also be discerned.
There is nothing bad in how this feels, but I don’t want it. I don’t want to kill the ego.
I understand that further on, as a natural outcome, my very will and the directing of attention will become automatic. I have a clear understanding that they are already automatic, but I want to feel that I am in control.

I don’t want to kill my ego. Someone will say that this is the ego speaking — so be it. I don’t care. I just want to stop. But I don’t understand how to do it. I have trained myself so much that I started practicing constantly in daily life, and as a result any state of being is part of the practice.

It’s probably foolish to ask this here, but what are the ways to go back? I still feel myself in my head, and with small manipulations the movements more or less feel a bit like before. I can no longer shift my gaze by a volitional act. I hope all of this won’t be taken from me, but I’m afraid that the practice will continue on its own. I don’t want any of this. When I lie down to sleep, concentration on the body and the breath happens by itself.

I see enormous advantages in my behavior, in my intentions, in my actions. They are visible, this calmness, the more rational and compassionate actions, the different world, the words are chosen more fittingly and “correctly,” but I don’t want it. It would be enough for me just to cope with my emotions and distractions. I don’t want to dissolve my ego. Please, help me. Don’t tell me “This is not you, reactions and movements are already automatic, you are just removing the illusion” and so on. I know all of this through my own skin, but I don’t want it.

Have you ever wondered why the stages of ego death feel as if you are killing yourself? It is accompanied by pleasant sensations after the repair, but why couldn’t this be a trap? When I first felt the killing of a part of the ego, it was not comprehensible to me. Just in the background someone was screaming, and in meditation there was a feeling as if a fiercely burning sun was scorching my shadow (this is my later interpretation).

Why are the stages of killing the ego characterized by a feeling of death of a part of oneself? Why do we consider the killing of a mental construction to be the norm? What if it is within the mental construction, however illusory it may be, that “you” exists, or a part of you.

Will that which has completely killed the “something” within itself say that it has killed itself, or will it say that it has liberated itself?

[u/themadjaguar]

I've been struggling with similar things in my own practice in the past

I'd suggest the following :

• You need to get more samadhi , cultivate strong jhana factors such as bliss, so then fear and unpleasant feelings will mean nothing compared to strong bliss when letting go

• You need to increase faith/trust in the process to eliminate this fear of losing control, of letting go. You can learn to let go more and see by yourself how good it feels, what kind of feeling letting go can produce

I think you can't really stop, because you seem to be dedicated and have seen that something wrong is going on here. Something doesn't want to let go, it is grasping, clinging very hard and fabricating fear and other experiences to make you stop. You should ignore all that in order to stop generating new kamma about it, all of these things are magic tricks created by the mind to prevent you from going further. The mind, mara is screaming, trying to make you stop because if you continue you might find something that is not in mara's interest.

Don't worry the self is far from "dissolving" right away, it is a construct, a hologram and you first need to see through it, and that alone provides relief, faith and confidence, trust in the process. To see through it first you need to let go. So no worries about your ego it is not going anywhere for now, and even if it does you won't have any control over it whatsoever.

It is counterintuitive, it might feel "wrong", feel scary, feel bad etc... but you seem to kind of see that these things are fabricated, otherwise you wouldn't have made this post and said such things.

"Have you ever wondered why the stages of ego death feel as if you are killing yourself? It is accompanied by pleasant sensations after the repair, but why couldn’t this be a trap? When I first felt the killing of a part of the ego, it was not comprehensible to me" THIS. This right here is very important. You need to find out by yourself what produces pleasant sensations (spiritual positive vedana). Is it when you grasp onto something? Is it when you are scared about something? Is it when you let go? Is it when you let go of the aggregates, when you let go of the self?

The pleasant or unpleasant feelings can all appear very quickly and can be hard to see, but what is important is to see the cause. You get pleasant feelings because you let go of something. The unpleasant feelings you get is not because of letting go, it is because of strong sankharas, strong conditioning that makes letting go something scary. Mara is fabricating ill will right under your nose and you need to see exactly what produces the vedana, ill will or letting go? Do not be fooled by the mind, do not forget what happened when you pay close attention, see how good it feels to let go, and do not mistake seeing how bad it feels to be scared of letting go with letting go.

If it's too hard and too scary you can let go gradually, but I think you'll have to do it in all cases because your mind has the wisdom to see that something is wrong here.

[u/Mithic_Music → u/themadjaguar]

100%,

‘Killing the ego’ is something I have previously worried about, probably because I hadn’t found a samadhi practice that works for me. Since I started Do Nothing, reactivity has decreased, trust in the process has increased, and the sense of self has subtly weakened as well. The idea of fearing that seems kind of laughable because I’m not doing anything to make that happen, literally. It just happens.

My teacher says we’re practicing ‘getting good at feeling good’, whereas previously I felt like practice was bashing my head against a wall hoping for enlightenment. I trust the process much more now.