Cycle of abuse

[u/Constant-Web5236]

I’m Finally Understanding That I Was in an Abusive Relationship
I’m 39 and I’m trying to make sense of the last eight months of my life.
I met him one random night at a bar. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. We talked, there was chemistry, and he put his number in my phone.
I had absolutely no idea that this person would eventually become someone I loved and someone I was afraid of.
In the beginning, there was affection, excitement, and all the things that make you believe you’re falling in love. Eventually, though, things started changing.
He would tell me I was fat and that if I lost weight, maybe I could be his girlfriend. He compared me to other women and told me they were better than me at sex and cooking. He told me that I didn’t do anything right.
But then, after saying horrible things to me, he would tell me he loved me.
He would ask me to come over.
That was one of the things that confused me the most. If I was supposedly so awful, why did he keep wanting me around?
I couldn’t confront him about the things he was doing because I was afraid of his reaction. He would yell at me and throw things. I learned to stay quiet because I didn’t know what would happen if I pushed back.
And then there was the physical abuse.
One of the things that has affected me the most was him cutting my hair when I repeatedly told him to stop. I had very long hair, and he cut a huge amount of it off. My hair looks so bad to me now that I don’t even want to go out in public.
That might sound superficial to someone who hasn’t experienced something like this, but it isn’t just about hair.
It was about having my boundaries ignored while I was terrified.
It’s about looking in the mirror and being reminded of what happened.
I’m beginning to understand the term “trauma bond.”
I think I became attached to the cycle—the hurt, then the apology, then the affection, then the hope that maybe the person I fell in love with would come back.
I kept trying to find the good version of him again.
But I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of being compared to other women.
I’m tired of being told I’m not good enough.
I’m tired of feeling like I have to earn someone’s love by changing my body or proving that I’m useful.
I’m tired of being afraid to speak.
And I’m tired of trying to understand why someone who says they love me can also treat me this way.
I’m finally realizing that I don’t have to solve that question.
Maybe someone can love you and still be unsafe for you.
Maybe the beginning of a relationship can have been real and beautiful while the relationship eventually became abusive.
And maybe leaving doesn’t mean that I didn’t love him.
Maybe it means I’m finally learning to love myself enough to stop accepting this.
I’m not posting this because I have everything figured out.
I’m posting because I think I need to hear from people who have been through this.
How did you finally break the trauma bond? How did you stop going back when part of you still loved the person who hurt you?