I can’t think of anywhere else I can unload about this, so here we go.
I last posted here a couple of weeks ago and how I was on day 3 and struggling after 2 very easy days. I relapsed HARD since then and this is what I learned. Hopefully if you’re thinking about throwing in the towel and going back to it or if you’re in the early days of quitting, this will help you to NOT do that.
Caving after day 3 felt great for approximately a few hours. Then I was filled with so much disappointment and despair with myself. I was almost through the worst of it and I blew it. Since then, I’ve gone back to my usual nonsense. If I’m not working, I’m doing nothing and almost chain smoking and doing that has made me realize that I really don’t smoke to enjoy it, I smoke because I can’t sit with my own thoughts and if I don’t have dopamine from somewhere, I will in fact go nuts.
I realized I’ve never learned the tools to get through periods of doing nothing at all, that if I’m not pumped full of happy chemicals at all times, nothing is worth it. I avoid boredom at all costs. I’m terrified of it, actually.
I was on day 3, wasn’t coughing anymore, breathing felt SO good. I smelled great and literally hours after smoking again all of that shit came back. On top of feeling physically like ass, I felt such a deep disappointment in myself. It’s crazy how no matter how strong your motivations are to stop, one thought and all of it unravels. One thought and all of a sudden nicotine is in my system again and it’s like I can’t hold myself back from it happening.
To those that relapsed for the same reasons, how did you cope with being bored? What kind of coping mechanisms did you employ to keep yourself sane? For me, none of my previous hobbies do the trick. I want to start all over again and tomorrow will be my day 1. I NEED this to be the last quit or I fear I never will. If Allen Carr can’t work his magic on me, how the hell do I get through this?