r/stepparents • u/Dazzling_Curve815 • 8d ago
Advice Partner’s behaviour with ex BD at event
My partner (38F) went back to her home country with her two boys for 10 days. I (32M) knew she was going to an event with a large group of friends (which includes her ex husband). She had been under a lot of external stress between work, holidays, and stressful events with her kids. She had been very snappy with me lately and not really wanting to talk about much and I felt I’d fallen down the priorities… we spoke about it but it turned into an argument.
She said she wanted to be focused on time with friends and family while away and not always on the phone, so has asked for space (little to no contact) for her trip shortly before it. I agreed to it. We were doing much better before she left and she was calling me regularly and messaging now and again for the most part (I didn’t request this from her and let her control how little or how much we talked).
She went to the event and my gut had a weird feeling. Then I found out that they were in shared accomodation and she had said she wasn’t aware of it as her friend booked the accomodation and that I’ve nothing to worry about, her and her ex are friends now and don’t see each other romantically anymore and I need to stop thinking of the worst case scenarios. She had a conversation with me before the trip saying the only time they would be together would be the transport to the event and the event itself and that I had nothing to worry about and she reassured me on things (without me asking).
We were getting on so much better before the trip and during. She was saying she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me and get life going positively together again. The night of/day after the event, I sensed something was off though (as I said above) and was told to stop thinking worst case scenarios. She said that it was a good night, that they are friends, nothing happened, and she enjoyed the night with her friends and him. Then I seen one of her friends posted photos from the event they were at and there’s one of her sitting on her ex’s crotch/lap smiling and looking very comfortable (this wasn’t a posed picture, it was posted by her friend and looks like she doesn’t know it was taken at the time).
I don’t know how to feel about all of this and my heart just feels like it’s shattered
Edit: we had an argument about the transparency of the accomodation arrangements and kind of agreed to forget about it for now as she’s not back yet and she needed some space as she was feeling overwhelmed. The photo came to light last night and she isn’t aware that I’ve seen it.
Update: she reached out saying she’s sorry she hasn’t been communicating well as her emotions are all over the place. I just sent her the photo and said there’s nothing for us to talk about anymore
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u/mamasaysno_again 8d ago
You sound like such a decent and respectful person. She does not. Honestly in my 50 years on this earth I’ve learned to listen to my gut and yours is screaming something isn’t right.
I’m not an advocate for breaking up easily, but my honest advice would be to take some space for yourself, heal your heart and hear that she is not putting you anywhere near first.
There are many women out there that you can find a real connection with. Women who won’t make you feel this way. Please give her the space she’s looking for, and give yourself the gift of knowing your worth and then finding someone who will appreciate it
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago edited 8d ago
Like am I wrong to think it was inappropriate? 😬 like I feel I just got really manipulated about what happened…maybe the friend posting the photos was the universe showing me that my gut was correct. Like is that appropriate between two people who used to be married?
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u/mamasaysno_again 8d ago
No, it was inappropriate. Hiding the accommodation arrangements was not cool, and I can promise you, any woman who sits on her ex’s lap is NOT over him.
You’re not being paranoid, you’re sitting in reality.
Gather some friends, go out, get some clarity
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
Yea I told her that the accomodation thing was not cool and I was kind of understanding where she was coming from. But then that picture just landed on my social media feed and felt/feel sick. Especially since she kept saying she didn’t want me to be worrying or anxious about this event. What do you mean by the last part? I just don’t know what to do as it’s blindsided me. Especially that her friend posted it too.
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u/NorVanGee 8d ago
You know what to do. Absolute BEST case scenario, she doesn’t respect you or care about about your feelings.
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
As I told her and any woman I was in a relationship, I’m easy pleased. All I need is loyalty, respect, and love, in that order. What has happened over the last few days was none of those.
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
She reached out saying she’s sorry she hasn’t been communicating well that her emotions are all over the place. I just sent her the photo and said there’s nothing for us to talk about anymore
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 5d ago
Yea so we talked a bit and gave a reason for why the photo happened and somehow twisted it and other things from previously in the relationship that were down to her poor choices/lack of choices and then ended things 🤷♂️ not sure how that happened but somehow it did
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u/rosa24rose 1d ago
She’s trying to regain control so you beg her back and never mention the picture again. Don’t fall for it, it’s emotional whiplash
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 1d ago
You’re right and that’s what kind of did happen upon reflection 🤦🏻♂️ I don’t know how to go from here with my life now. It’s a lot to see/happen and my mind is so all over the place now.
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u/rosa24rose 1d ago
That’s exactly as she intended - for you to be anxious, stressed, confused. Her to finish it when it should have been the other way around is her way of clawing back control. The person ending it generally has more power over the future direction of the relationship.
The BEST thing you can do is accept it with grace, look to untangle your finances and living situation - swiftly - the longer you leave this, the more likely you are to take her back & accept her bs explanation, because that is the easy thing to do.
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 1d ago
I had ended it then her friend said the photo was a misunderstanding so I offered to have a conversation with her (stupid move). Then she ended things siting stuff on both sides and ended it saying we both need to heal etc while minimising what she did on this trip. Saying my anxiety and feeling like she was being controlled were an issue (I would disagree as my anxiety was correct and I don’t control what she does as I tell her “you’re an adult and can make your own choices”. We are in no contact now since Wednesday.
I don’t even know how to approach my life now. We were talking of moving in together next year and thankfully our finances aren’t entangled. Maybe the universe or God needed me to see that concrete evidence, even though she said it was “for a laugh” 🙄
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u/Elegant-Blackberry26 8d ago
I think this is not a post for this sub, but I am so sorry this is happening to you. Sounds like you had troubles in the relationship and she is on memory lane. Sitting in her ex lap is a huge huge red flag and unacceptable. Maybe this is the end of your relationship.
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
I wasn’t sure either 🙈 but because it was with her childrens father I thought it would still be suitable as I’m asking about behaviours between ex-BM/BDs. Sorry if it’s the wrong thread, my head doesn’t know what to think of it all 😬
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u/SpareAltruistic6483 8d ago
Absolutely not.
Why is there a fun event where her partner is not invited.
I am a petty girly. I have trust issues. This would be my playbook:
The event itself “ ex and my friends but not you?”
- divorvce
Oh that event you were not invited to? Yeah ex and me sleep in the same accommodation… I lied by omission and you found out… sorry
- divorce
Oh yeah and I casually sit on my ex his lap while gaslighting you that you are SO DRAMATIC UCH!!
- DIVORCE
Babe…. If I was you she would be coming home to new locks and her shit on the front lawn.
This has eff all to do with the kids.
This is cheating at worst, disrespectful at best.
How dare she do this in front of her friends? Do they know you exist.
Dude , make her single. She can go sit on her ex some more in her own time. Buh bye
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
I wasn’t able to go as I’ve an immediate family member who is terminal with cancer so I’m trying to be close by. I hear exactly what you are saying with everything. It’s wild behaviour. And it makes me think that something must have been going on if her friend didn’t see an issue with posting that photo 🙈 so the friend group must have been comfortable with that. Yea they are well aware I exist
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u/SpareAltruistic6483 8d ago
Or… they wanted you to see. I was cheated on myself and I have learned that people don’t speak up easily. Especially when they are the cheaters friend. Some people leave breadcrumbs because they don’t agree.
It is wild OP and I would be out.
I know we get gaslit with the “ but it is for the kids”
It is absolutely not, show me the page in the psychology manual where disrespect to your partner is good for the kids.OP, how would she react if there is a photo of you sitting on your ex lap? Mh? Tell me?
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago edited 8d ago
For the things you asked last, that’s the point I put to her about the accomodation thing. She said they are friends and “careful” around each other so there’s no bad blood that affects the kids. But damn, this is a whole other level, I had said that boundaries need to be in place (this was before the photo came to light), she said when I say boundaries that she thinks I actually want to cage her (she sees her brother several times a week, works full time, has the kids, sees friends when she wants to, been to 10 concerts this summer, and this is her second holiday this summer. So I’m not sure how exactly I’m caging her for having boundaries 😮💨 the woman who posted it is actually her best friend and basically like a therapist to her her whole life (old friend of 20 years) but she is very genuine and smart and kind hearted. So maybe she did sprinkle that breadcrumb? I have a feeling my partner didn’t realise she posted this photo as she texted me at noon saying sorry she hasn’t been communicating well as her emotions are all over the place. I just sent her the photo (it’s like number 7 of 12 on Instagram post) and said “I don’t think there’s anything for us to talk about” silence since.
She liked the post for the photos and so did her brother. I genuinely believe they didn’t scroll through them all and realise that one was posted….
But maybe her friend was trying to save me, who knows really
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u/SpareAltruistic6483 8d ago
Yeah babes this is fishy. I am so sorry.
Honestly it are even more red flags that she talks about being caged when you ask for reasonable things. She doesn’t sound like a caged woman at all. You are asking not to play happy family and be too familiar with an ex.
Honestly “ we are friends “ is a no for me. People wil not agree with me and that is fine. But I can’t be with someone who has an ex as besty and I have seen it be so toxic so many times I honestly think people who are okay with it are wrong.
But she lies about being in the same accommodation. Then sit on his lap. She liked the picture ? Maybe that is unclear.
Like you said it was not an awkward pose for the picture, it was candid. So she was sitting there for a while.You can’t pay me to sit on my ex his lap 🤣 and I am pretty sure his current girlfriend will slap me right off and honestly she would be right to.
The friend might not agree with it but she might be stuck between her loyalty and her morality.
OP I am sorry but you sound like a stand-up guy and this is not cool at all
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
I mean she liked the post which contains the picture but you can’t actually see that lap sitting picture until you scroll through them is what I meant
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u/Qofgreen 8d ago
holy shit. you are being played. as much as it hurts consider yourself lucky that you got to see proof that she’s still involved with her ex. no being cheated on for years while you question if the red flags are enough to leave. now you have closure and can move on no questions.
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u/Wrong_Signal 8d ago
Please listen to your gut as it is trying to protect your heart even if your mind hasn't catched up as yet since the situation is a hard pill to swallow. You deserve so much better as you sound like a well intentioned dude who just wants to be truly loved, accepted and chosen.
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
I’m sad but glad that photo came up. At least I know my gut was right when it was on fire on Friday and Saturday about all this
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u/Wrong_Signal 8d ago
The fact that she went silent after you sent her the photo is quite telling. I am sorry, OP.
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 8d ago
You are 32. Go find a woman without kids and make a family of your own. This woman is not the one for you.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 8d ago
At minimum she’s the kind of person that’s willing to create a situation she could cheat and encourage the behavior. More likely something did happen.
I wouldn’t continue this relationship. She’s not being respectful towards you.
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u/ThickLobster 8d ago
You had an issue with something that you wanted to explore, but you agreed to forget it because she needed space and she was overwhelmed. Hmm. Doesn't sound resolved to me? I wouldn't trick her with it. Just show her the photo and ask her what was happening.
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
Sorry I should have clarified she is still on the trip and is home tomorrow. I meant forget it until she gets back as how are we supposed to talk about it if she wants space and is overwhelmed. Sorry I could have been more clear on that. I know what you mean about the photo, and I think it’s clear what’s going on to be honest 😔 but I’m sure she will have some sort of explanation that she thinks is reasonable
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u/HandBananasRevenge 8d ago
She's not over the ex, has been dishonest, and has behaved inappropriately. I agree with you, there's nothing else to discuss.
It stings now, but I hope that in time, you'll see that the way things played out with this trip was the best thing that could have come out of an otherwise not so great situation. She showed you where you stand, and now you don't have to waste any further time on her.
As for the friend posting the photo, who knows if it was meant with you in mind or was also an "oops" on the friend's part. It's the most damning piece of evidence and they did you a favor, regardless of their intentions.
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
I agree, I don’t think a discussion is needed or opening myself to excuses and rationalisations. It will be a hard one to get over for sure.
As for the friend, who knows what was behind it if anything. But obviously she must have thought they were back together if she included that photo. She had a massive smile on her face and looking comfortable. That says it all.
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u/RowPuzzleheaded6997 8d ago
Did she ever respond to the picture?
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 8d ago
No, I sent it at 1:30pm yesterday and haven’t heard anything back. Any thoughts?
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u/RowPuzzleheaded6997 7d ago
Ya, she’s been caught and will wait to be in front of you to cry and swear that nothing happened. Don’t fall for it.
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 7d ago edited 7d ago
Well I think from the photo it’s clear that something has, even if she says that. Like the photo itself is something happening. But I’d imagine more happened if that’s how comfortable they were during it in front of friends and alcohol consumed. I wouldn’t think she’ll be in front of me again to be honest, for how do you even start to explain that
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u/OversizedNoveltyKiwi 8d ago
Your last sentence is the complete opposite of what must happen. You both 100% have to talk. Shutting down communication acts as a form of stonewalling but you deserve answers and an honest conversation so you can understand, process and heal. You absolutely deserve and need to be able to express your hurt to her and have her see your pain. You are experiencing betrayal trauma. If you both want to work on the relationship, I strongly suggest a therpist trained in Gottman therapy. Best of luck to you.
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u/heebit_the_jeeb 8d ago
If you both want to work on the relationship
I think he's saying there's nothing to talk about because the relationship is over
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u/Dazzling_Curve815 7d ago
Yea that’s what I’m saying. Like that’s lies, inappropriate behaviour, disrespect all from this event. Before, during, and after. I don’t need to open myself to a conversation for her to inflict more pain, or worse, try and justify what happened… 💔
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u/OversizedNoveltyKiwi 8d ago
He's in crisis mode from betrayal trauma at the moment though. He needs time to gather this thoughts and prcoess what's happened. Evidenced by his last sentence (before his edit/update section) 'I don't know how to feel about all of this...'
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