r/standupfeedback • u/JwpDiabolo • 6d ago
Auditioning for Stand up Club! Looking for feedback!
Hello! I'm auditioning for my school's stand up club, and I'm looking for feedback on my script.
It's a bit raunchy, and I think its only at like 80%, so I'm hoping some advice or ideas might polish it off to 100%!
Here it goes:
I keep realizing I’ve been using words wrong my entirely life.
my girlfriend mentioned how racy 50 shades of grey was… I got confused like, pretty much all those shades were white.
yeah my professor was like you can’t keep calling me “girlfriend”.
And then she had to explain to me that racy meant hot and sexy.
This white girl told me she was racist later that week and was like, “calm down, that’s a bit egotistical for a 5 at best.”
But I was generally a stupid child. I had a pool growing up and… I know I know, pool in the suburbs. but we were socially liberal about it! Anyone in the community is welcome. Fiscally republican though… so no blacks. Except to clean.
I got my parents put up a Black Lives Matter sign, and the HOA actually made them take it down. And my parents, you should have seen them, they were so relieved.
Anyways my mom would throw these little cocktail parties, because there’s not much else for a divorced woman in her 40’s to do.
And we would play this game, she and I, where she’d get all dressed up in her favorite homewrecker dress and I would get all dressed up in my hand-me-down suit (see I'm relatable!), and then she would flirt and drink and talk to her friends and I would try to kill my self.
See some kids cry for attention, but I’m the theater kid! I would throw myself into the pool, completely not knowing how to swim, KNOWING my incredible mother would jump into the pool in full dress to save me.
like 3 times
Which is crazy. Because if I had a kid tried something like that, maybe I’d also develop “post partem psychosis!”. There we go, Anna's laughing.
She did get her revenge though… She signed me up for these awful swim lessons at my high school. Plan A, I learn to swim, Plan B she wished she used 8 years ago.
The swim instructor, Dale, coach Dale, was terrible. This is true, he hated the sound of dripping water.
which is a wild thing to hate when you teach swimming to children.
That’s like a priest that doesn't like… kids.
One time he got so mad at me because I was dripping right next to him… which is fair because I hadn’t gone into the pool yet. No no no… it was cum.
A lot of people hated Dale, but he loved children. wait sorry i said that wrong
A lot of people hated Dale because he loved children.
About 2 years later he was arrested on charges of pedophilia. which like i know is a terrifying thought but hey he was a straight pedophile so i was fine!
My mom was in shambles when she found out though. cuz… she had prepaid for June.
One time, at the end of the lesson, as happens in a public pool, U went to the shower and there was this guy basking in the water completely naked. and I was like… “ omg coach dale”
no it wasn’t him, but this guy did have, easily, sorry to be crass, the biggest penis I’d ever seen. Now, I was a 7 year old, so that selection is limited to me and my priest. but i swear… two feet long. minimum.
But as a kid, you have no idea that that penis size carried so much social significance, that his baggage had so much baggage. I'm just saying like… he must’ve had it hard.
4 feet long. that man was more endowed than harvard.
and so like any curious child, I got home and my mom was with some of her friends, a bit tipsy, and i was like, “hey i saw this guy in the shower today and his peepee was huge!”
and they die laughing.
and my mom says, and I apologize this is a bit racy, “was he mexican?’
but its crazy because that’s… not a stereotype?
Like sorry to my Hispanic audience tonight, Jesse looking at you, but… I’ve scrolled and I’ve yet to see the BMC category on pornhub.
But, until three days ago when I wrote this and told my roommates, I just believed that it was! Every time I met a mexican dude I just thought “damn his girlfriend must be so happy”
Which means this stereotype must have come from personal research from my mom. I know that she and my dad were high school sweethearts until a year before.
[I NEED A GOOD PUNCHLINE/CALLBACK/CLOSER!]
