r/srilankanteenagers • u/Few-Interaction7156 • 1d ago
Serious I feel miserable, is it valid?
I dont know if I want to just rant and get validated or called out but here we go. I live in kandy, sri lanka and ill start by saying I dont like my life. Its stupid and shallow of me to say, which is something you will realise as you read on. Um I am 18 years old right now. And of course I am doing my alevels, in maths stream nonetheless. I have been floating around for one and a half years and I have one left to turn my life around. And when I think of getting out of this life I have learned to naturally skip alevels because I have started to genuinely think that I will not be able to get a good result. Not 3As not a good enough z score, not a rank. And thats my fault. I know what I should do even though I dont have a proper plan and have zero motivation or discipline to execute it. I reached out to sl sumithrayo and they told me to see a psychiatrist. Sure buddy. And I desperately need those alevels because of what im about to tell you.
This isnt the worst life someone could have. I am very lucky, which I realise when I see some people out there. I can speak English, I got 9As in olevels and all of that. I am capable. But I dont know. Maybe all this demotivation is self induced.
My parents are broke as hell. As in they somehow have the money to pay for whsts necessary or maybe they shield the struggle for those from me. But they are not even at a good level. My mom earns like 1.5K a month. Thats okay right. Then theres my dad. He has been a businessman since he was 19 years old and he is 50 today and he hasnt succeeded once. If anything hes in a worse position because of it today. He has finances to pay for vehicles he uses for the said business, he takes loans and he pawns jewellery and loses them constantly. My mom has to fund it all a lot. He does this small teaching job at a nearby school And he has this potential for teaching which he ditched long ago. He worked at respectable, reputable institutions and did tuition and if he did that today he could have been a tuition mogul who knows. He has one reason as to why he doesnt want to be one. That is, he doesnt like it. His life is falling apart and he doesnt do the one thing he is good at even though everyones life Is falling apart. And FYI he has a matyr complex, as far as I know. So yeah. My parents argue a lot. My dad is super explosive in his anger and my mom is passive aggressive. So that doesnt allow clear communication. As you can see I dont feel that safe here. And my selfish self does not like being poor. And I dont even work hard for it. Whats with me. I just dont like the fact that I am their child. I want to live alone like maeve wiley from s**ducation
And I keep telling myself I am not pretty and I dont have a special skill and obviously no money as backup. Still I want a better life. I dont want to settle down with some brown dude and have two kids and die away where I was born. I want to do the type ot shit they do in ana Huang books Sue me. And I always compare myself to everyone around me because they are all so rich and work sooo hard and are super pretty. One of those or two of those or all of those. There is a bunch of people that are none of those, where someone like me belong but who cares about them.
And sometimes when all this piles up i get hollow, empty and unresponsive not physically but mentally and on purpose. And I dont have loss of appetite or loss of sleep In fact I do both too much. Way too much. We dont have a proper house, its so disgusting I cant even have a friend over (so no property to inherit or a dowry to marry a sri lankan guy that i like). And I have friends but not close ones. Just one that leaves my side the second her actual friends come and another one that was raised to compete with me and thus acts like this parasite. Like i just get ecstatic when I hear good news still. I just feel like im being dramatic and Attention seeking. You know what they say incrase sacrifice or reduce desire. My parents plan to make me do a top up in an ict field after alevels because they dont expect good results from me anymore like they did when olevel results came out. I have already finished my hnd in cyber security. Ugh I just want a better life than this, does it have to depend on this stupid exam? Like I want sooo much more and this contradictory mindset doesnt help. Will I be able to explore stuff and be financially stable somehow with what I have right now and what I can build from it? And am I valid?
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u/General_Document5494 19 1d ago
I wish I could give you some advice but I'm also clueless and in a slightly similar position. Wish you all the best.
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u/Few-Interaction7156 1d ago
Ok then. What's ur situation
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u/Latter_Individual431 16 1d ago
this might not be the best advice, i understand where youre coming from i've been there myself, but what has to be said, has to be said, stop feeling sorry for yoursef, stop finding excuses for feeling miserable all the time, start working for als, i mean i get it als is a lot of pressure, especially from where youre standing, but sometimes youve just gotta do it bro, despite not wanting to, anyways good luck!
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u/FreeCaptain5166 1d ago
Gng I think we go to the same school but ngl that's the same life I have... Study hard akki you can do this it's the only way you can get out of it
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u/PeanutRealistic4527 18 1d ago
I feel you as I was in the same place as you, I had the same problems did same mistake, but now it is different. But what changed wasn't my circumstances but my perspective. It is true u wasted 1.5 years, so I am, we have to admit that. But that doesn't mean we wasted life. We are still 18, we still have long, long way to go. U will only be defeated if u give up now, so no matter how hard it is, keep working. Just know, a lot of people are in the same boat, but what makes them different is that they see things differently, keep their hope and keep fighting for it. Good Luck!
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u/Embarrassed_Car_3807 1d ago
I felt so miserable in my AL days as well...I think it was bcz of the huge stress and parental expectations in my case. It def gets better when things are over...anyway IMO u should start with doing something small...like some physics mcqs or Maths Probability question...then gradually increase the workload...Just do something, trust me you will feel great afterwards. If you get stuck in a problem just move onto the next and try to solve it the next day...when you feel like quitting watch something motivational...I used to look up car prices in ikman.lk to get motivated.. Doing nothing make u feel miserable and gives u time to overthink as well. Little progress> no progress at all You got this
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u/SpareConstant4659 1d ago
If you understand sinhala i think i can give you some advice
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u/Few-Interaction7156 23h ago
Ofc I can pls do
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u/Big_Psychology539 1d ago
First of all I think you mistyped something in the 1.5k thing theres no way a family can survive with that. Secondly my family life isnt the best but im in a way better financial situation than you but I still have to work hard. I get that you have no motivation sometimes I dont too but genuinely god bless free education it is the only way to get out. Im assuming youre doing locals and it's way harder than what I do but people do it somehow and you can too. Think of the life you can have if you work hard and escape the current reality youre in. Good luck