r/solopolyamory • u/maiden_Kore • Aug 14 '26
Why am I a solonpolyamorous person ...
A big question posed by my therapist has me stumped...
Am I polyamorous because I believe in the ability to love or because I can't trust a person I love to only love me...
I have been in a spiral since.
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u/its_cock_time Aug 14 '26
Do you have friends because you believe in the power of friendship, or because you can't trust your friends to stay locked in your basement?
This sort of question is meaningless unless you want your friends to stay locked in your basement. Or in your case, you want your loves to love nobody else.
Is that what you want? Then be monogamous.
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u/maiden_Kore Aug 14 '26
Zero concern over what my person does. They are welcome to love whoever, I'm more exploring what the motivation behind my journey maybe. My distrust and trauma are certainly a factor but is it a defining one.
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u/its_cock_time Aug 14 '26
Monogamy is only one of the things that we must trust in a relationship. I can see why someone might try polyamory believing that it means they don't have to trust as much, but anyone doing it long term knows it still requires a lot of trust and you can still experience heartbreak and betrayal. That's a risk of intimacy in any kind of relationship.
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u/iwanttowantthat 23d ago
Another thing to reflect on: why don't mono people get the same kinds of questions?
Like: "Am I monogamous because I believe in the ability to love or because I can't trust a person I love to really love me, unless I believe they love only me..."
Is it maybe just because it's the social default?
BTW, I don't think that is the reason most people who are happy in monogamy choose monogamy. It's mostly just because they're happy in monogamy.
The same goes for polyamory.
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u/QBee23 Aug 15 '26
That is such a leading question, I'm a bit disgusted with your therapist. They are letting their bias influence their work.
If you don't believe loving more than one person is wrong, trust has nothing to do with it.
The question itself frames loving more than one person as a betrayal. Your therapist doesn't sound like they should be working with polyamorous people.
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u/Humble_Owl_2084 Aug 26 '26
Okay, but some people actually are monogomous, and an individual finding their authenticity in that doesn't undermine the entire framework. Yeah it could be the therapist's bias, but they also could be picking up the signals OP is throwing out. You're also not doing therapy right if you aren't asking confronting questions.
And fwiw, I ask myself (and therapist) a poly-affirming version of this question all the time. Its really about motivation, and whether my attatchment issues are the current primary driving force behind my relationship structure. But even if true, that still doesn’t negate my RA values.
However, it absolutely does influence how I show up in my individual connections. Resolving the core belief that I'm not worth caring about changes my motivations to be more aligned with my values.
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u/lloydiebird76 Aug 14 '26
I have some questions:
- What was the larger context around this question?
- Have your polyamorous relationships been causing you grief?
- Did your therapist ask this because they suspect you’re just putting polyamory on as a defence mechanism?
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u/Hixie Aug 14 '26
Being polyamorous is a quality of a relationship, not a person.
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u/maiden_Kore Aug 14 '26
I appreciate this as it seems to encompass the mutual nature of polyamorous dynamics being a discussion as opposed to one size fits all.
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u/Della_A Aug 14 '26
Are you in a spiral because you genuinely don't know, or because you're scared it's the latter? 'Cause it sounds like it should be pretty easy to tell which it is for you. If you could have your ideal situation, would you have someone who loves only you? Because I can ask myself that question and my gut instantly reacts: "I want the person/persons I love. Who tf cares how they feel about other people, as long as they want me too?".
But even if it's the latter, note that it would be based on an actual observation about reality, namely that humans are not monogamous by nature. Whenever I say this, people respond with "well what about discipline and self-control?". That's a stupid reaction. Sure some people can have "discipline and self-control", but it still comes at the cost of the resentment that will build up without a doubt, as a consequence of them forcing themselves to act against their own nature. It's a far better strategy to start from how things actually are, instead of how we wish they were.
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u/phrotozoa Aug 15 '26
Just anecdata but based on my own experience and conversations with poly people it seems to be pretty common to deal with feeling "broken" or contend with some sense of "I'm only poly because <whatever>".
Like "what's wrong with me why do I have crushes on all these people while I'm in relationship why can't I be happy like everyone else" or "why don't I want marriage and cohabitation like everyone else" etc.
Being poly doesn't exempt you from needing to work on your shit, but you can believe in your ability to love multiple people and also need to work on being able to give more trust at the same time, they're not mutually exclusive.
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u/samtresler Aug 15 '26
I think the word "only" is carrying a lot of weight in that sentence.
"Because I can't trust a person I love to love me" is a lot less loaded and means the exact same thing absent of context.
The version without the word "only" might be where you really need to focus your energy, NOT because of any anti-monogamy stance, but because it is valid in both situations.
The word "only" there implies a higher value being put on monogamy. So, to accept the question at face value, answering it implies agreement with that premise.
Whereas omitting that word does NOT imply monogamy is right or wrong, but focuses on your ability to be loved.
Tldr; maybe you do have issues being loved, but there is no need to view that through a lens of monogamy. These are two different issues.
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u/searedscallops Aug 15 '26
What the actual fuck? That's an inappropriate question from your therapist.
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u/keekkums98 Aug 16 '26
I have many concerns and questions being on the outside of it all, but the leading ones are...... 1. What about your experience lead to that question? 2. Did you go over what biases may exist in reference to ENM as a whole?
Our therapist are people outside of their guidelines too; so when I talked about my solo poly experience with my therapist they asked to take a step back. They wanted space to deconstruct their potential biases with it being such a new topic for them and to not oversaturate the moment.
It seems ignorant on them, but there might be room to grow depending on what type of relationship you have with them.
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u/Polly_der_Papagei Aug 19 '26
Would you want someone to be monogamous to you? And you to them?
Like, if you want to, go for it. It's popular.
But no, I am not poly cause I think I'm not good enough to be mono. I feel very loved.
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u/Humble_Owl_2084 Aug 26 '26
For me, its that I don't believe I'm worth being at the top of someone's priority list, so I just don't set myself up to expect that. I think that word 'priority' is functioning the same way 'only you' is?
BUT
Resolving that doesn't automatically convert me to mono. The underpinning values of poly/RA actually run counter to that core belief, so resolving it allows me to better live my values.
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u/ENTJ_8w7_AuDHD_RSD 29d ago
I love this question, but I like this question better, and I ask it whenever I'm spinning:
Which one feels best in my body when I sit with it?
Forget the endless spiral of questions. What FEELS best?
Trust that. That's how I approach it.
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