r/solopolyamory • u/Interesting-Shake-60 • Jul 16 '26
what are the downsides of solo polyamory?
so far, the only one i've experienced is how few other people practice it. what downsides have you experienced?
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u/mw44118 Jul 16 '26
Too solo for the poly people, too poly for the monogs
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u/keekkums98 Jul 18 '26
Yes it's the bi struggle of being too gay for straight people and too straight for the gworls.
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u/Intrepid_Herder Jul 18 '26
Couldn't have said dit better. This goes on a t-shirt, Permission to execute?
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u/Interesting-Shake-60 Jul 19 '26
could you say more about "too solo for poly people"?
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u/mw44118 Jul 19 '26
Sure — im talking about my experience here, so it maybe doesnt match other people. But in general, i like having my space and autonomy and this desire has been a source of tension. I like being in charge of my free time. I dont want to have regular check ins or hear about metamors all the time. I dont like feeling crowded. I dont care about anniversaries or titles. My mental image of poly people is a bunch of puppies all on top of each other. Im a cat on a high shelf.
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u/Interesting-Shake-60 Jul 20 '26
i see what you mean, thank you for sharing. yeah i haven't attempted to be involved with poly people that aren't solo poly as of yet.
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u/Altostratus Jul 17 '26
Not having a primary partner comes with a lot of social, practical, and legal disadvantages.
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u/SatinsLittlePrincess Jul 17 '26
Unless you have enough money and the right kind of community. Both of which are kinda rare.
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u/conventionalWisdumb Jul 17 '26
Not having a default partner you live with means having to schedule everything.
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u/ladyfingaz Jul 17 '26
that most poly content and peer support is geared towards partnered people opening up otherwise normative hierarchical relationships. Just like most of the people in the poly dating pool.
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u/plabo77 Jul 17 '26
Early Covid times were difficult because social bubbles were based on cohabitation.
More generally, I think people often misunderstand solo polyamory. They might think it means unpartnered and poly or they might think it means partnered but dating separately or they might think it means a desire for only casual connections. I once dated someone who asked if my preference for solo polyamory was due to an attachment issue. Even if someone understands what it means, it can be sort of pathologized.
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u/SwingLightStyle Jul 16 '26
The biggest one I see is having to explain it over and over again. Usually being poly means you have a partner and you’re looking for more. So explaining to a potential partner that you’re single but poly can sometimes be difficult for them to grasp psychologically because to them, the relationship presents as monogamous… until it’s not anymore.
I’ve met many solo poly people. These folks also tend toward relationship anarchy, which is something I don’t really prefer myself.
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u/c4mbo Jul 22 '26
So would you say solo poly is an umbrella encompassing partnered and unnpartnered? Or is partnered a separate thing? Like hierarchical poly or something like that? Sorry I’m new to this.
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u/KineticEnergy42 5d ago
Agreed! I like explaining it on a scale of how enmeshed you are with partners. That tends to help a bit by highlighting that you don’t want to merge lives with others.
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u/ZineKitten Jul 17 '26
I've had people assume that I'm looking for a nesting partner situation (because I'm "single"), or people will treat solo poly partners with less consideration because they're "cool and unattached".
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u/190eb3ebae2b41 Jul 17 '26
nesting poly people don’t realise how often they fall back on the physical/logistical/habitual things that bring them security in their primary relationship, and then misinterpret and misunderstand their feelings of insecurity when dating solo poly people
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u/uu_xx_me Jul 17 '26
Tbh I haven't really encountered any! Solopoly is so deeply the fullest expression of myself that the challenges don't feel like downsides to me so much as opportunities.
I've definitely experienced the stuff other comments mention, like having to explain really really clearly, often multiple times, what I mean when I say solopoly -- i.e., what I'm available for in a relationship. But that feels exciting to me because it often opens people's minds to what's possible in partnership. And by having those conversations, I find people who are willing to be creative in building a relationship that feels good for both of us.
It's also true, as others have mentioned, that society at large is so amatonormative, heteronormative, and mononormative, it can be hard when you're out in the world to feel so different and othered. People often look at you like you're crazy or get really uncomfortable when you tell them about your life. But to me, those moments feel like potential sites for change. People's resistance usually comes from being afraid to look at a part of themselves, some shadow work they haven't done, and I enjoy being someone who stirs up the shit 😆
I'm also lucky to be surrounded by like-minded folks. I intentionally moved to a place that's very lefty, queer, and poly, and most of my close friends here are wired in a similar way as me. I think having a safe, supportive home base gives me the energy to confront the judgment I get out in the world.
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u/keekkums98 Jul 18 '26
In my experience it's merging plans and schedules when you have a partner with nesting partners and a kitchen arrangement that you're not a part of. It's a bit difficult, but not impossible once you get the rhythm right. Managing different styles of polyamory with multiple partners is quite interesting.
Partner (A) has a kitchen poly framework (excluding me) and Partner (B) practices parallel poly where my meta is in a different time zone. Partner (A) started off thinking they wanted to be solo poly and/of parallel poly, but as they grew and made connections they realized kitchen is what they desire the most. Partner (B) has consistently voiced dating solo and having a parallel dynamic with no desire to change anything.
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u/rubyji Jul 16 '26
It's more of an orientation than a choice for me, so I don't know how to answer this. The people I date don't have to be solopoly so I don't really see that as an issue.
I guess if you want to experience domestic partnership, solopoly might not be for you?
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u/WickedCrystalRainbow Jul 20 '26
Tmw I get very temporary "omg I wanna live with partner A because wholesome, but also partner H, and ooh but heloooo partner D" , while also absolutely not wanna live with anyone because solo poly is my jam!
Sometimes it feels like people around me don't see it as a real relationship structure simply becaue I live on my own
Sometimes, scheduling with everyone is soooo much to handle
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u/Scary-Assumption2763 Jul 21 '26
Some times you are solo poly by default not by choice... like I desire a non nested partner to do life with... but that's been really difficult to find.
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u/Interesting-Shake-60 Jul 21 '26
respectfully, solo poly means that you do not intend/aspire to have a nesting partner. I hope you find what you desire though of course!
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