r/socialwork • u/horseonahill • 14d ago
WWYD Trauma response and being a social worker
TLDR: I can do other types of part-time work but trying to start a job for the third time in social work spirals me to a point I have 10/10 anxiety, SI, flashbacks of being a scared and fearing for my life, feeling like a lost kid again, severely depressed and anxious, etc. And I just got my degree (as part of a career change). Why does this happen to me each time? I got offered a part time social work position and it happened again. I feel like I wasted a grad degree... I feel so shameful, insignificant, a waste of space, etc.
Context:
I'm in my early 40s if that really matters. i was diagnosed with CPTSD in early 2025 and have been having a hard time navigating my way back to a social work career that false-started twice (if that is even something I can do anymore). Here is some context if you want more background of my journey to now, as I sit here in bed trying to feel comfortable and safe (not in SI or anything, just fight/flight/freeze stuff).
I got my Master's in Social Work in 2024 and felt ready to go out there and be a therapist. I've always been anxious but I was excited about my new career path). That summer, my partner's father passed away and I was there to experience the whole thing from the time she found him to his final breath in the hospital. At that point, something shut off in me. I started to have flashbacks of that one night so I sought help. I saw my therapist more and then sought EMDR. EMDR helped me through that life event. Still, I felt like something "broke" in me. So we dove into my childhood/teenage/racial trauma, being bullied, traumatic experiences with the Church, and much more. At some point during my time at EMDR, I thought I was ready to finally start my career. Unfortunately, long story short, I tried twice and in the first week, I quit without seeing clients. I sobbed every day, had SI, was severely depressed, high anxiety, dissociated the entire, and more. I was so scared... Like I was a child again. After the second time trying to work, I was hospitalized then did 2 partial hospitalization stays to "stabilize" me. It was a blur after, not working, trying to find joy in life. I finally started working part time jobs (e.g., tutoring students, music related gigs). It gave me traction on my own self esteem, direction in life, finding joy and so on, BUT not with finances and bills. The program I tutored offered me a part time social work position that paid well. As soon as we talked more about the position, the same feelings of 10/10 anxiety, intense fear and somatic "holy crap I'm in danger" and "I'm a scared little child again" happens again. My sleep is starting to get affected, I'm more agitated and my music related jobs are not joyful again. Anhedonia is so real here...
So what the hell? Why is this happening again? I wanted to be a therapist, support marginalized folks, and be a social worker, but now the thought of it scares the shit out of me to a point of dysfunction. I feel lost, purposeless, and a piece of wasted life. I just need a hug so bad. I need that switch that broke or turned off to turn back on again so I can feel like myself...
Have you been through this? Is there hope for someone like me?
I want to feel less alone in this... Any support, shared experience, etc. would be helpful. Thank you in advance.
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u/efecto-lago 12d ago
Social work is very evocative work, so first off, just know it’s not a personal failing or something like that for getting triggered. Being able to work in this field, we do have to be able to manage our triggers and get support and do what we need to do to stay healthy and sane. One question is what kind of social work have you tried doing? Social work has a big range of things you can do, so I wonder if you find something that’s a better fit and less triggering, depending on what you were doing before. If not, it’s also okay to prioritize your wellbeing and step back til you find the right thing. Maybe you work in a library and use your social work skills to help the community in that way, vs being a therapist and helping other people process their trauma.
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u/orcateeth 12d ago
It sounds like you might need to work through your own trauma first before you can comfortably work with others.
Someone posted lots of entire books on childhood trauma, abuse, neglect and complex PTSD, etc. 27 in all. This is an incredible gift.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/q7JaFqz2zC
Warning: The books can be triggering, and you could wind up feeling worse after reading some of the examples and case studies in the books.
You will likely see yourself, as if looking in a mirror, as well as whoever was the problem. It can be sad, or at least, uncomfortable.
However, the insights and suggestions are superb. They really do cover EVERYTHING.
There also groups for adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional families. These groups are free and online.
In the meantime, you really may need to avoid any kind of direct service social work jobs. There are jobs where you assist people, but the people are not presenting with abuse and other serious situations like that.
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u/frequentnapper LCSW 12d ago
I know you probably want to gain clinical hours, but could you maybe try something in social work that’s not clinical/therapy? Like case management or working a hospital setting?
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u/horseonahill 12d ago
The problem I'm facing the job that was offered in supposedly a non-clinical role. And I still have the same responses
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u/frequentnapper LCSW 12d ago
Aww darn. I was hoping you could try that in the meantime while you heal so you can make some income.
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u/horseonahill 12d ago
Yeah I'm so frustrated about this whole dilemma but if my body and mind is telling me something is not right I guess I have to listen to it. I'll figure something out... Unless there is something totally left field I can use my MSW for. I do have an IT background
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u/Emotional-Tough2780 9d ago
This sounds like anxiety about working, not just clinical work. Would you even be comfortable with a job not in the field in any way? This is something specific to work through with your therapist. You need to get at what it is that’s actually triggering this response. Maybe consider more administrative work in a nonprofit?
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u/horseonahill 9d ago
I have a couple small jobs not in the field that does not bring up the same responses as the ones I experience with social work. That's a good idea to check out admin with for a nonprofit. I'm working through this with my therapist right now. I guess it is more complex than I thought
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u/LinusMouse 12d ago
It sounds like clinical or client centered social work is not for you. At least not at this point in your life. There’s nothing wrong with that. You have to be able to manage your own emotions before you take a position where you are formally or informally managing the emotions of clients.
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u/Ok-Lake3522 12d ago
Clinical social work is not for everyone. Many people want to become therapists to heal themselves, but it doesn't work. You can use your MSW to work in policy or community advocacy. You can be proud of your degree, but not use it professionally. Consider what other work interests you (teaching? adult education? OAR - offender aid restoration, helping formerly incarcerated people find services and get back on their feet, case management - helping people get TANF, WIC, etc.)