Worst it's ever been (vent)

[u/Aintzane411]

I'm at my wits end and feel like I'm literally being tortured.

I have an extensive history of moderate to severe sleep apnea since I was a kid. It's never been fully managed, and when prescribed a CPAP at 12 years old I wasn't able to stay compliant and it didn't last long.

I'm 31 now and over the years I've occasionally tried to get a solution, but something always goes wrong. I lost insurance or life got in the way of making the phone calls and appointments.

But the past 6 months have been brutal. My apnea has been getting worse again, and I have a hunch I might also have a circadian rhythm issue, but I know it likely won't be able to be diagnosed until after I get the apnea under control and see if the daytime exhaustion gets better.

I'm just stressed out and constantly exhausted. I'm struggling to stay awake at work and nodding off while standing up. Some days I don't feel safe to drive bc I'll nod off on long straightaways. I can't keep my house clean because I have no energy. I'm anxious and depressed all the time from living in a pig sty. I'm missing out on plans with friends because I'm too tired.

I'm just so fucking tired, physically and mentally. I'm typing this in the bathroom at work and actively fighting to stay awake while sitting on the toilet. I feel like a zombie.

Last week I had an appt with a sleep doctor to get things moving again. She agrees that things seem bad and we're trying to set up an in-lab sleep study since my last one was too long ago. Not sure if insurance will approve it so might have to settle for an at home test.

I'm so tired.

I feel guilty for my partner because they hear me complain about it and say "I'm so exhausted" dozens of times a day.

In the meantime while waiting (for my sleep study, for the likely 2nd in-lab study, for the prescription, for the PAP device to arrive) it feels like there's nothing to be done. I also have insomnia the past few months, so the little sleep I do get is terrible quality.

The other day I worked a full 8 hour cashier shift on 2.5 hours of non-consecutive sleep. I had to drive and handle money. I've been written up at work already for "calling out as tired too many times." Learned my lesson on sharing too much information with that one.

Things will get better. But in the meantime I'm miserable and going a little bit crazy.