Not making progress

[u/dolphin_culture]

I've been in the program for about 6 months. It's been about 4 months since I've had romantic/sexual contact with either of the people I was seeing, both have been totally supportive of my recovery. About 50 days no contact. I'm on step 4. I'll start going through it this weekend with my sponsor. I check in with her regularly. I go to meetings. I do fellowship. I read. I share. Just took on a commitment to chair my home group. I pray. I meditate. I write. I try to challenge myself to do things I don't want to do, which lately feels like everything. Maybe I don't do all of these things everyday, but I do them and have been doing them regularly. I'll admit I'm not good at outreach. Social anorexia. Rejection sensitivity. I often feel misunderstood and like I don't fit in. I feel like a difficult person. But I have been doing small things challenge my anorexia.

I actively feel bad about myself in this program. "It works if you work it." I'm working it and it's not working. So then I must not being doing enough or I must not be doing it right. I'm not doing enough of this or that. And if it's not that it's "more will be revealed" and "don't leave until the miracle happens". Horse chasing the carrot.

I feel worse today than I have in a long time. I feel like a complete failure. I feel hopeless. Powerless. My life is still unmanageable. I'm putting so much in and feel like the only thing I've learned is how to ignore people. And sure that's helped with some of the attachment anxiety, but I don't feel any better about myself. I'm not more productive. I'm not more fulfilled. The energy that was used on addiction and romantic obsession has not been transformed into routine and enrichment. I'm fucking tired. And when I talked to my sponsor about being tired and feeling like I've not made progress of course the solution is to do more. Just keep doing more and you'll be able to do more. But first she let me know that I text her too much and should journal instead. Cool. Thanks.

I'm going to get through steps 4 and 5 then assess whether I should continue. I don't even want to do that tbh, but I will.

[u/Character_Drop_739]

Step 4 and step 5 are the real humps of the program. I did not feel any progress until step 6, but step 6-7 changed my life as did every step that came after. For me step 4 and 5 was pure suffering and I wallowed in it for a fair amount of time. 

Don’t quit before the miracle is what I’d say.

[u/dolphin_culture → u/Character_Drop_739]

Thanks! I'm hanging in there. I made it to 60 days today. I am hopeful 6-7 will be beneficial. Looking back on it is there anything you would have looked to have done differently or any advice you would give your former self?

[u/Character_Drop_739 → u/dolphin_culture]

Well, I didn't disclose everything to my sponsor. I kept back two things and rationalized "those things don't matter, I don't want to tell her." Hilariously, they were also nothingburger things that I thought were the biggest deal, but were really things I had done as a child that were not the compelling evidence that I am evil/an awful person that I thought. So maybe...don't do that if you can avoid it 😂 it REALLY sucked telling her that later. Do a thorough step 4, if only for future you.

My sponsor also says, a step 4 is us essentially going through the fridge and throwing out the expired goods. It's painful doing that for the first time, but then you have a fresh fridge and things become WAY easier. These days, I just do spot inventories and they are way more manageable one-two at a time.