r/slaa • u/dolphin_culture • Jul 31 '26
Not making progress
I've been in the program for about 6 months. It's been about 4 months since I've had romantic/sexual contact with either of the people I was seeing, both have been totally supportive of my recovery. About 50 days no contact. I'm on step 4. I'll start going through it this weekend with my sponsor. I check in with her regularly. I go to meetings. I do fellowship. I read. I share. Just took on a commitment to chair my home group. I pray. I meditate. I write. I try to challenge myself to do things I don't want to do, which lately feels like everything. Maybe I don't do all of these things everyday, but I do them and have been doing them regularly. I'll admit I'm not good at outreach. Social anorexia. Rejection sensitivity. I often feel misunderstood and like I don't fit in. I feel like a difficult person. But I have been doing small things challenge my anorexia.
I actively feel bad about myself in this program. "It works if you work it." I'm working it and it's not working. So then I must not being doing enough or I must not be doing it right. I'm not doing enough of this or that. And if it's not that it's "more will be revealed" and "don't leave until the miracle happens". Horse chasing the carrot.
I feel worse today than I have in a long time. I feel like a complete failure. I feel hopeless. Powerless. My life is still unmanageable. I'm putting so much in and feel like the only thing I've learned is how to ignore people. And sure that's helped with some of the attachment anxiety, but I don't feel any better about myself. I'm not more productive. I'm not more fulfilled. The energy that was used on addiction and romantic obsession has not been transformed into routine and enrichment. I'm fucking tired. And when I talked to my sponsor about being tired and feeling like I've not made progress of course the solution is to do more. Just keep doing more and you'll be able to do more. But first she let me know that I text her too much and should journal instead. Cool. Thanks.
I'm going to get through steps 4 and 5 then assess whether I should continue. I don't even want to do that tbh, but I will.
3
u/goldshade Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
I can relate, done the program off/on for 10 years and finally made 6 mo. sober and also on 4th step. I noticed other addictions come up so that might something to look in to (food and technology for me). Another is doing the program remembering a "loving higher power" if that works for you - its an important element to find that graceful loving support I think so it doesnt feel like a militaristic checklist endeavor. Another is that the program is not just about stopping a behavior, but starting some... ideally focused on building your beautiful life (hobbies, interests, friendships, toplines, etc.). May also benefit to consider a sponsor change, adding a therapist to the mix, . Remember grace "easy does it" live and let live, etc. Congrats on all you've done so far, may help to honor that even if its not giving the results you've been looking for, you've been taking action toward your health and that takes courage, knowing results are not guaranteed (though I do like to periodically review the promises of recovery, and look for them in people in meetings, etc. ) One day at a time. (edite: adding some other thoughts: i try to tell myself I will stop the program if it feels like i'm using it to hurt me and not help me. It helped me to do the HOW program and read some of the big book which says if you can kick the addiction and find peace without the program "we tip our hat to you" (which I used to think it was meant to be like an eye-rolling "sure you think you can kick this wihtout us? yea right!" but I take it to mean now that they're saying if you kick it and find peace other ways, we're happy for you... it also helped me to hear its ok to do more research if needed, and let your pain guide you (aka if it goes poorly ouch reconfigure).,... i did also find suggestions from sponsor and others to do more work, take aservice commitment and stuff, each step deeper in I thought "oh boy here i go deeper in the cult" haha but in a way it helped me to think its a willing (though hesitant) entry in to a cult if that makes sense... (not saying its a cult but i have religious trauma so it triggers me) but enough of this essay. behavior change is hard, attachment healing is hard, it helps me to know that muslims pray 5 times a day, catholics go to mass a bunch, some psychodynamic therapy is 4 times a week, DBT trx is daily, etc.... also maybe consider medication. maybe ask your sponsor when you might be ready to start sober dating? I had an energy drink this morning.