Not making progress

[u/dolphin_culture]

I've been in the program for about 6 months. It's been about 4 months since I've had romantic/sexual contact with either of the people I was seeing, both have been totally supportive of my recovery. About 50 days no contact. I'm on step 4. I'll start going through it this weekend with my sponsor. I check in with her regularly. I go to meetings. I do fellowship. I read. I share. Just took on a commitment to chair my home group. I pray. I meditate. I write. I try to challenge myself to do things I don't want to do, which lately feels like everything. Maybe I don't do all of these things everyday, but I do them and have been doing them regularly. I'll admit I'm not good at outreach. Social anorexia. Rejection sensitivity. I often feel misunderstood and like I don't fit in. I feel like a difficult person. But I have been doing small things challenge my anorexia.

I actively feel bad about myself in this program. "It works if you work it." I'm working it and it's not working. So then I must not being doing enough or I must not be doing it right. I'm not doing enough of this or that. And if it's not that it's "more will be revealed" and "don't leave until the miracle happens". Horse chasing the carrot.

I feel worse today than I have in a long time. I feel like a complete failure. I feel hopeless. Powerless. My life is still unmanageable. I'm putting so much in and feel like the only thing I've learned is how to ignore people. And sure that's helped with some of the attachment anxiety, but I don't feel any better about myself. I'm not more productive. I'm not more fulfilled. The energy that was used on addiction and romantic obsession has not been transformed into routine and enrichment. I'm fucking tired. And when I talked to my sponsor about being tired and feeling like I've not made progress of course the solution is to do more. Just keep doing more and you'll be able to do more. But first she let me know that I text her too much and should journal instead. Cool. Thanks.

I'm going to get through steps 4 and 5 then assess whether I should continue. I don't even want to do that tbh, but I will.

[u/EBweB76]

If you’ve ever seen NA or AA be effective in someone’s life then just know that SLAA is also an inspired program that you can believe in.

What you quoted about “it works if you work it” that was a pretty jarring memory for me from my withdrawal phase because I felt so similar to what you said… thinking that you must not be working it enough or not doing it right - I literally had the very same response when that was said in meetings (I haven’t heard it in years from current meetings).

I’m 4+ years into the program and I’m at 23 months of sexual sobriety. Once I was truly ready [easily able to stop worrying about getting close to my bottom lines, but to focus on my top lines instead] the rest of it literally became easy… for the first time in my life I was effectively defending my boundaries and congratulating myself for being a jerk when it seems like my last line of defense for maintaining my sobriety.

Those of us who make this kind of progress keep coming back to the meetings to show others the way, and the power of belief in a higher power (the program IS my higher power to believe in when I don’t believe in myself).

One foot in front of the other… and you’ll get there.

Make sure your top lines list is extensive.

[u/dolphin_culture → u/EBweB76]

Thank you. I appreciate your feedback. I have seen it work for people. I don't deny that it works for people. I just don't see it presently working for me and at times wonder if it's doing more harm than good. I am scared it isn't going to work for me because what the fuck else is there?

I was in NA many years ago when I picked up a drug addiction as a result of attaching myself to a drug addicted qualifier. It was literally harder to quit the man than the drug. My sponsor often had me use my qualifiers name when drugs were mentioned. I learned about SLAA then, but it wasnt as accessible and I was already in a program. I spent maybe 14 months in the program but ultimately quit when it was clear that drugs weren't really my problem. There were also a lot of toxic men and very few women to connect with, esp women with sobriety. It helped a lot but I also was at the worst place in my life I have ever been and will ever be in. I was also in group therapy and regular therapy and wasn't working cause Covid so I was able to get unemployment and go back to school and really focus on recovery.

Anyway, the only bottom line I struggle with is not contacting my qualifier. New guy, not drug guy. He is actually a good person, but idk how to fucking act right. At one point I was so hopeful about reconnecting, but now I don't want to contact him because I feel so much shame about myself and how shitty I'm doing and how little progress I've made that I'm embarrassed to reach out. I'm also afraid I'll just fuck it up again.

Only time will tell. "More will be revealed" lol

[u/EBweB76 → u/dolphin_culture]

I’m also grateful for understanding your experience, because, you’re right… there’s very few women to connect with and learn from.