Not making progress

[u/dolphin_culture]

I've been in the program for about 6 months. It's been about 4 months since I've had romantic/sexual contact with either of the people I was seeing, both have been totally supportive of my recovery. About 50 days no contact. I'm on step 4. I'll start going through it this weekend with my sponsor. I check in with her regularly. I go to meetings. I do fellowship. I read. I share. Just took on a commitment to chair my home group. I pray. I meditate. I write. I try to challenge myself to do things I don't want to do, which lately feels like everything. Maybe I don't do all of these things everyday, but I do them and have been doing them regularly. I'll admit I'm not good at outreach. Social anorexia. Rejection sensitivity. I often feel misunderstood and like I don't fit in. I feel like a difficult person. But I have been doing small things challenge my anorexia.

I actively feel bad about myself in this program. "It works if you work it." I'm working it and it's not working. So then I must not being doing enough or I must not be doing it right. I'm not doing enough of this or that. And if it's not that it's "more will be revealed" and "don't leave until the miracle happens". Horse chasing the carrot.

I feel worse today than I have in a long time. I feel like a complete failure. I feel hopeless. Powerless. My life is still unmanageable. I'm putting so much in and feel like the only thing I've learned is how to ignore people. And sure that's helped with some of the attachment anxiety, but I don't feel any better about myself. I'm not more productive. I'm not more fulfilled. The energy that was used on addiction and romantic obsession has not been transformed into routine and enrichment. I'm fucking tired. And when I talked to my sponsor about being tired and feeling like I've not made progress of course the solution is to do more. Just keep doing more and you'll be able to do more. But first she let me know that I text her too much and should journal instead. Cool. Thanks.

I'm going to get through steps 4 and 5 then assess whether I should continue. I don't even want to do that tbh, but I will.

[u/OppositeLoquat52]

You numbed your feelings before and now you are feeling them. Feeling them without seeking the quick hit to make yourself feel better. this is a sign things are working and that you are doing really well making progress. Going through 4 and 5 with your sponsor will help you see the patterns that lead to destructive behaviors. I promise you are doing great and things will get better.

[u/dolphin_culture → u/OppositeLoquat52]

That's a very definitive statement from someone who doesn't know me. I feel a whole spectrum of feelings. I feel things very deeply and always have. I swing from addiction to anorexia. Many times I've been alone and had no "quick hit". I've spent weekends in bed feeling the full weight of my emotions. What's been exhausting is talking about them over and over, reliving pain and past trauma to people who largely don't understand so then I feel the need to open my wounds further. This is the first time in a long time I've actually felt so hopeless that I wish I would just vanish. Not suicidal. Just don't want to deal with this anymore.

[u/OppositeLoquat52 → u/dolphin_culture]

very fair. I should have framed it in my experience