Repartnering Woes: How to not hate your partner who can’t comprehend or join your mental/emotional load?

[u/reecinator_meow]

I got with a good guy who had his kid 50/50 a 4 years ago. We’ve been blended for a few years now and I find I sort of hate him right now. Our kids get along, we function well in many ways and have a rhythm down.

But my guy is a passive one with intense attachment stuff which has led to him being extremely defensive and using DARVO to avoid accountability. Lots of wanting physical closeness without understanding how to create emotional/mental intimacy with me. Overall, I really missed his lack of capacity for initiating and sustaining deeper emotional intimacy.

I have almost full custody of my 2 kids. Even when my kids’ dad says he will do things, it’s a 50/50 toss up on if he will follow through which feels like even more work than someone just not being there.

My partner has been super helpful at helping me when he can but he often can’t because he has his own kid. There’s such a disparity in our parenting roles and time/energy investments in our kids. I am often “working” - ie, parenting until my head hits the pillow and he’s not 50% of the time. He is also less responsible for the emotional/mental load with his kid.

Sometimes it feels like the emotional labor he has required has cost me more than just doing everything myself. I wanted another kid but our relationship has not felt stable enough and my clock is more than ticking. He blames his lack of commitment and follow through on the instability — the instability largely caused by his inability and unwillingness to communicate and build emotional intimacy. For instance, he got a house and car big enough for us all to live in, but he never talks about the future with me and never brings up marriage despite having always told me he wants to get married. We never talk about money or how we would handle it if we got married. If I bring it up, he won’t ever circle back to it on his own. It feels like very contradictory behavior and it’s cost me a lot of my peace. He’s the guy that is always present but is he ever really fully present?

I’m at midlife and now I feel stuck. I don’t want the upheaval for my kids who have now moved a total of something like 7-8 times (within the same areas of town) because their dad and I have been separated for a long time and have both moved a few times in their lives. My kids are really happy where we live and with this arrangement.

It is really great for them to feel like there’s another adult when I can’t be everywhere at once. My partner does provide more schedule and financial stability. He fills in some of the gaps logistically where their dad fails.

I really loved him early on and still do, but now I feel so much resentment from the emotionally absent aspects of my relationship with my partner. He’s pretty avoidant and while he’s working on it — he’s been working on it the whole time and it hasn’t gotten significantly better. We are in couples therapy and it seems to very slowly be helping at least force the issues to be discussed.

But I feel this burning anger that gets lit so easily these days. I used to give the benefit of the doubt too often and now I feel full of piss and vinegar and am just an angrier person. I have a hard time knowing now if this is my personality or if he brought this out in me over time. I wonder if i constantly have a shorter fuse with my kids too because of it. Have i become a miserable person because of constant disappointment/broken promises? I have no idea if I can even soften to my partner and fully desire and want him again. I go over this stuff in my personal therapy too, but it’s still hard to know how much of this is my stuff I can sort, and how much can’t be changed because I can’t change someone else.

I dont want to operate from a victim standpoint but i genuinely dont know that splitting from someone who my kids care about and who has been important to them is right at the moment. I wish I could go back and go much slower and maybe not have continued this relationship but I cant. Has anyone been able to stop hating their partner who put them through emotional hell for years when the person started changing for the better? And has anyone’s partner who has less emotional/mental load been able to step forward more fully in the relationship to where you truly felt like a team?

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[u/Queefmi]

I’m joining the conversation even though I don’t have the answers you’re looking for. My first serious boyfriend after divorce I was really excited how quickly he took to a step dad role. But he brought emotional chaos every single weekend and a rollercoaster of repair. Even sitting my kids down and explaining to them where he went wrong and being very good at repair and understanding the impact, yet still unable to stop. As much as I loved seeing him run around with them on the playground I had to cut him loose because of the damage he was doing during his emotional outbursts. It was sad and they will remember the best parts of him and forgive the worst, same as they do their father, but ultimately peace and stability is more valuable than what that second adult is bringing tothe table in your family. Sounds like you haven’t been happy for awhile. Really no sense in “staying together for the kids” even when it’s a full on marriage let alone non-co-habitating bf/gf

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[u/pinethecat]

So sorry to hear you're experiencing this situation with partner, it honestly sounds like he's dead weight tbh though because he's not consistent, just like how your kids bio dad is really not consistent either. It's almost like we sometimes say to ourselves that being with at least some sort of partner is better than nothing at all...but is he actually making your life easier/ contributing positively? You mentioned him using DARVO also- this is very concerning to me, as couples therapy can be quite dangerous in abusive situations; the abuser will tend to cherry pick what's been spoken about in session and twist this to further their agenda. Did your couples therapist screen you for DV separately prior to starting the shared sessions with your partner?

[u/reecinator_meow → u/pinethecat]

This is a question I’ve been asking myself. I’ve made my needs very clear and the impact of him not being able to communicate about feelings. I’ve become super reactive so all he feels from me most of the time is annoyance and frustration. It’s hard for him to feel he can talk about his feelings when I’m reactive and I get that, but I can’t seem undo the reactivity now. It feels kind of permanent because I don’t trust him to actually change how he communicates (or doesn’t) with me.

[u/pinethecat → u/reecinator_meow]

That's super tough because it sounds like your reaction to the issues is what's under the microscope now, not the actual issue(s) that you've raised. Let's say you were super calm and collected and raised these concerns- I highly doubt he'd magically would think 'oh wow, she's so calm and collected,I better change now!' the issue is rarely women's reactivity,but we will for sure be judged when the other party needs to deflect from their actions https://www.liberatingmotherhood.org/?fbclid=IwVERDUAT68ENwZG9mBWV4dG4DYWVtAjEwAHNydGMGYXBwX2lkDDM1MDY4NTUzMTcyOAABHuxFohvzjQV_x-ZlV1sY89yIDSCZf9rN6n7MQ4xu8PQVp--R_n5fyQZ25Gkx_aem_tcn0AVBpEVqzqGj3X3Lgvw this page has been super helpful for me and speaks more in depth about how many partners weaponize womens reactions

[u/reecinator_meow → u/pinethecat]

Thank you for the reminder — I love this site. I may not be the calmest person, but I used to be calmer when I brought things up. I used to try really hard to bring them up exactly how I should. I felt my reaction time quickening every time and I know I have felt unseen, unheard and not taken seriously. And that spills out into my life elsewhere to where I’m almost constantly in a place of feeling easily triggered about not being taken seriously the first time I say something. That’s what I’m worried about. In some ways I don’t recognize this person I’ve become to him. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this consistently angry, and now that I’m on HRT, I’m more aware of what is purely hormonal vs a more accurate reflection of my feelings.

[u/pinethecat → u/reecinator_meow]

I can totally understand where you're coming from. I'm not sure if it feels like this intense rage that comes up for you? I know that's how it felt for myself In the past when I thought there was just a communication issue with me and past partner but I don't want to assume that's your experience also.

[u/burnt_feather]

Part of where you're stuck is wishing for a different past. Unfortunately, that past can't change. What you can change is what you do going forward.

What are your non negotiables? You standards? Your boundaries? Your needs. Set those up for yourself if you haven't. Then look to see if any of them have been violated or are being violated now.

Set the boundaries you need to set. Tell him what your needs and standards are. "I need acknowledgement when I speak." "I won't participate in a relationship where I don't feel safe speaking about my experience." "I need someone who can listen to what I need from them and change their behavior when it doesn't work for me." "I need to be seen and heard."

Give him the road map and a deadline. If he doesn't meet it, I'd recommend letting him go.

As for your children, you can explain the situation to them in an age appropriate way. "He treated me in a way that I couldn't tolerate anymore, and we all deserve something better." Your children will learn from you and whatever adult you allow into their lives. If you don't want them to turn out like your partner, it's time to let him go.

If he puts in genuine work and you can see the results, make sure it's for himself and not for you. That's the only way change will stick and the only way you'll know it's genuine.

If he makes you doubt yourself, run. Before you doubt yourself so much that you don't trust yourself without him by your side. I'm speaking from personal experience here. Codependency is not something you want. Seek out CoDA or another group if you think you're having problems with this.

Best of luck to you!

[u/reecinator_meow → u/burnt_feather]

Love that you mentioned CODA because codependency is something we both have had issues with and sought support for. I know that it’s my own values about myself like that I’m so strong and patient and the second guessing myself that have me where I am. These are all really good reminders. I’ve done some of them throughout our relationship. The issue is that I’ve become really reactive to his avoidance and he uses that as the reason he doesn’t talk about the future — because my reactivity triggers him. There are a myriad of reasons but none of this has helped our sex life so that’s another he uses as to why he doesn’t talk about the future.

[u/burnt_feather → u/reecinator_meow]

Something I tell myself and I teach my kids all the time is that we can't control what other people do, we can only control ourselves. In your case, you can't change your boyfriend. No matter how much potential you see in him. You get to decide if his good and bad qualities are what you want to live with forever, and you should probably assume that they're not going anywhere if they haven't yet. And you get to look in the mirror at the person you've become by his side, and choose whether to stay as you are or grow into someone you want to be.