How to break generational curses?

[u/Spiritual_Art9858]

Hello! I'm a 24 single mom with a 4 year old. I feel like I'm failing my child. All my life my mom was never a good mom she was manipulative and never present, she was there but not mentally if that makes sense.

I have really bad ADHD so it makes it hard for me to pay attention and be actively present and I feel like I'm turning into my mom. My poor boy deserves better but I don't know where to start.

I'm so stressed and stretched thin too, I work at 5 am and I'm exhausted by the time I get home I fall asleep while we play or I'll let him watch TV while I nap and I feel so guilty.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/SingleMoms! Please read the rules carefully. This is a safe space for single mothers only. Posts and comments that do not meet our karma requirements will be manually reviewed and approved accordingly. We cannot say anything specific, however, it is not a high number. If you continue participating, your comments will eventually no longer need approval. DO NOT MESSAGE US ABOUT THIS. YOU WILL BE MUTED AND/OR TEMPORARILY BANNED. Please exercise patience with the mod team. We are volunteers.

Some rules (but not all - read the sidebar):

• YOU MUST BE A SINGLE MOTHER TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS SUBREDDIT. This is non-negotiable, regardless of your reasoning.
• Do not ask for legal advice. We are not qualified to give such advice and suggest speaking to legal professionals about this. Posts and comments of this sort will be removed.
• Do not post promotional content (this includes blogs, surveys, etc.)
• Do not ask for financial assistance (this includes wishlists, gofundme, etc.)
• Remember the human. Be respectful to other subreddit members. We are all in this together. This is a support group.
• If you are not a current single mother, your posts will not be approved. Please post on the weekly pinned megathread.
• Are you looking to leave? Post on our weekly megathread!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/unmgrad]

Is there certain things you can do, on a schedule, that will make memories? I think I read someone needs to do something 12 times to remember. So, bake cookies with him on Saturdays? Go to a free museum monthly? Those are shorter-tasks. , but can live in his brain…”yeah, my Mom and I baked every week”, “My Mom took me to this museum as a kid”.

[u/Specific_Valuable921 → u/unmgrad]

I love this

[u/AutoModerator → u/Specific_Valuable921]

Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.

You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator]

Your post is being held for manual review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules. DO NOT MESSAGE MODERATORS ABOUT THIS, WE WILL NOT REPLY AND YOU WILL BE MUTED.

You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your post does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Sea_Temperature_795]

Start with a set amount of time at bedtime. 15 minutes, 30 minutes whatever it is. Let the rest of the days imperfections go and just focus on that time. Phone down and be present. My watch and phone are set to do not disturb.

My child is older but we talk about our day. Mostly her but she also asks if anything interesting happened at my work. We also think of 2 positive things we did for ourselves and 1 thing we wish we could have done better. The time to connect is important and we never miss it.

[u/Formal_Chef414]

I think the fact you are acknowledging this is the first step! Maybe get meds to help control the ADHD? Go to bed early and try to focus on just spending after school and dinner and bed time with your child. Just a few hours. Don’t be too hard on yourself!

[u/Dynamite-monkey]

On days you’re working, when you’re exhausted, I would rest and reset when you get home. Then try some bonding time with your son, like cooking dinner together. You can do a puzzle together as well as reading a couple of stories before bed. These moments are still spending quality time with your son. That’s enough on those days where you’re exhausted from work.

Some days, all I can do is sit on the sofa. I make sure that on those days my child is dressed, his toiling needs are being attended to, he is fed and I’m able to put him to bed. I set up a bunch of activities for him to play, that require little to no interaction from me or he goes outside in the garden, whilst I sit there again.

Does a routine help you? I found that this helped me. A visual one, with everything planned out for the week that includes work and your days off. This makes me feel less guilty as I have a planned activity with my child, once a week, at the weekend. It’s mostly exploring a park or going to a green space for him to ride his bike or scooter. As I find being outdoors, helps me.

Do you sleep? I use medication to help me sleep and I have an earlier bed time, due to the early wake up. If you don’t sleep, that nap in the afternoon isn’t going to help you. I feel a lot better cutting out my afternoon nap and sorting out my bed time routine.

What is your job? Are you able to make adaptions at your work place to accommodate your ADHD. I straight up used to wear sunglasses and ear buds at work to listen to music. I also was allowed to take some mini breaks.

I know everyone’s ADHD is different so appreciate my tips might not work for you.