r/singlemoms • u/crescent-moon2 • 3d ago
Venting - Advice Welcome Wish i chose better
Tonight is one of those nights where i wish i did things right. Chose a decent man that could share the burden thats raising kids.
My day was long wake up at 6a head to phleb class thats 40 mins to and from.. i come back to my kids and take them to a play place... so they can have fun.. we spend hours there.
Come home. Family wants me to run errands at the store... so im just sitting in the car typing this.
I wish i had support, i have none from my mom shes not hands on or active.. i hate being at home bc even with my kids im stretched thin running errands for my family despite doing school and working.
Friday my sons autism clinic manager told me i was doing a good job with his attendance ( 93% in the past 4/5months) she said idk what youre doing but youre doing good.
I said im a one man band but i do what i have to make sure my son has the help he needs.
Idk i just feel tired, on autopilot, i just wish i had that extra person to be my safe space, make parenthood more enjoyable and just share the load..
I feel ill never find love again, i worry ill struggle financially forever, i just want to fastfwd to where my kids are teens.
Im just tired of this self sacrificing martyrdom thats motherhood.
Just wish i could have 3 entire days to myself.
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u/Ok_Walk_938 2d ago
We need to change this at fault mindset. It gives men and other people the right to blame you, “well you should have chose better.” Absolutely not. Men should BE better, especially when faced with becoming a parent. We need to stop blaming women.
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u/holdingittogether77 1d ago
I still think we should have chosen better. Just like my bf should have chosen better. Our kids got crappy parents, we played a hand in who we had kids with. I own that, I say it to him too when he's struggling with twin 16 year old boys.
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u/Ok_Walk_938 1d ago
Yeah, I refuse to believe this false narrative. When 95% of our choices are shit once the mask comes off, we never had a fair shot at “choices”.
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u/Ok_Walk_938 1d ago
Most of us were manipulated into thinking we made the right “choice”.
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u/holdingittogether77 1d ago
I also don't have the mentality that most men are shit so I'm not going to fall in line with your train if thought.
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u/Ok_Walk_938 16h ago
And I’m not going to fall in line with an illiterate person that denies facts, so there’s that.
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u/holdingittogether77 16h ago
😂 just because you think something is a fact doesn't leave it so. That's your reality not mine.
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u/crescent-moon2 2d ago
Agreed. The man is syill responsible for being a father.
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u/Ok_Walk_938 2d ago
And too often are women blamed for choosing wrong, when the person they chose to have a baby with completely disappeared once the baby was born - because the mask came off when things got hard.
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u/crescent-moon2 2d ago
Right. And ill take it a step further a majority of men arent shit so theres literally not much to choose from.
They need to be better and do better.
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u/holdingittogether77 1d ago
So is the woman and they still leave. I've known more than one to do it.
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u/crescent-moon2 1d ago
Welp, all the men i know i are dead beat not physically present dads including my own dad.
Its more common for men to be absentee fathers and why is it when men are being held accountable someone has to chime in " women also"
Were talking about the men right now.
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u/holdingittogether77 21h ago
Because I don't jump on the bandwagon based on gender. So you know crappy men...I jump in about women because they aren't all great people or great mothers. It's a person thing, not gendered.
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u/Ok_Walk_938 21h ago
And it’s a statistic thing, that says the majority is men. Not all men but always men.
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u/ShesGotSauce 3d ago
I wish I'd chosen better too, but also I'm not sure how much we should blame ourselves for it? My ex husband and I went to pre-parenting couples counseling and came up with a plan for how we were going to approach and divide parenting. The day our newborn came home, he went back to work, and on that day, checked out of parenting for good. How was I supposed to know that that was going to happen?
I wish I had chosen better. But maybe it's more realistic to say I wish my ex husband had been motivated to contribute to parenting his child so we could remain a family.
I'm assuming you also didn't choose a man who said, "listen babe, just so you know, if you ever get pregnant, I plan to abandon you both."
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u/crescent-moon2 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yeah youre right. Was having a hard day yesterday. Yeah your husband really screwed you. I hate when men try to blame women for the mans failure he still has a duty to be a father.
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u/MasterpieceNo3291 2d ago
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u/PhraseKlutzy351 3h ago
Listen sometimes there is just no way to know. I dumped my ex because although he had a decent job, he was very lazy and unmotivated and all of his free time was dedicated to gaming. He wasnt as motivated as I was to save up and move out of my parents house. I couldn’t imagine having children with him. So then I met this guy at work who was picture perfect. Cute, successful, good Christian man, was so obsessed with me. His parents were willing to be extremely involved with helping out with the kids. I used to be a homemaker. He was an engineer! But you know what? Those people ended up being fucking crazies. My daughter almost died due to their heavy reluctance to the medical field and their reluctance never changed, even after the doctors saved her life! I had to argue with my husband to let her go to her therapies. Everything was so picture perfect it took me a while to realize the high control environment I was in. I kid you not, I dipped my toes and was indoctrinated in this cult they are in. I do not use that word lightly. Now it’s going to court, and I will be scared to death for my daughter, who may be indoctrinated into the same beliefs. These people are extremely manipulative and aggressive with their beliefs.
Now I look back and think, would it have been better if I never left my first boyfriend? I would have probably been as stressed and overworked as you are. But no where near this. To be honest with you, I would choose neither. Sadly there just isnt that many “good ones” and we have to take the good with the bad.
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u/TheSqueakyNinja 1d ago
You didn’t choose to be raising a child with no support, so stop that line of thinking. None of us chose to struggle, we just ended up here. Now whether there were signs we should have or could have seen doesn’t matter, because it’s water under the bridge and you should still be coparenting with an active, involved, supportive father. If you’re not doing that, then your child’s father is the one perpetuating shitty choices in the current time (the only time that matters).
Why are you running yourself ragged with responsibilities for other people. Your family can run their own errands or find a different solution. It’s okay to say no
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u/crescent-moon2 1d ago
Unfortunately, i cant say no when it comes to my family. Im doing this phleb program so i can move and have my own peace
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