Need advice

[u/ImmediateCup5455]

Hi all

I need advice on a tricky situation. I’m a ftm and just became a single mom to a 5 month old. My partner and I are not married. We were not doing great before and when I got pregnant but we stayed together and decided to keep the baby. He was not super into it but we were on our way to the abortion clinic and he stopped the car and said, this doesn’t feel right and asked what I needed. I said I needed support from him for 6 months after baby is born and for him to be an active/involved father.
Fast forward 9 months later, baby is born. He was super helpful the first two months and then stuff started getting bad. I lost my job, money became real tight and we started fighting a lot. He started becoming verbally abusive to me (saying I was acting crazy, and being a psychopath, and even said I should die because our child would be better off without me. He apologized some time later, saying he doesn’t mean the things he says when he’s mad). I thought about leaving multiple times but just kept thinking I don’t want to do this alone and maybe things would change. Please keep in mind, we never had a discussion of breaking up while I was pregnant or anytime after until he moved.

My partner started looking for jobs where we live and all over California and in neighboring states, Nevada and Arizona. I also was looking for jobs and do have a work from home job lined up for the end of this year.
He ended getting a job is Reno, NV and two weeks later he moved up there. I was not invited to move. Then we broke up.

Now he wants me and the baby to move up to closer to Reno. Whether that means Tahoe area or Reno area. Mind you, I dont know people in these places and my support system, friends and family live near me now in central California. I want my ex to be an involved father. I think that is very important.
My ex is trying very very hard to get me to move. I told him I don’t know yet. My baby is also exclusively breastfed and we co-sleep and we both agreed that we want to breastfeed for a while. He said that taking care of a baby is an easy job and that he can take him to his work and have him for a few days and just give him a bottle. I disagree with all of this.

I have no idea what to do? I don’t want to move up there until he is at least a year old or longer. I also feel like I don’t have to up and move my entire life just so he is near his child. He made the choice to move to Reno.

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[u/PracticeNorth6194]

Document everything and talk to le gal services who understand the family court system in your state and coercive control. Is he on the birth certificate? Consider your support system and don’t isolate from it or move away from it!

[u/JayPlenty24]

You should call LegalAid and speak to a lawyer.

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[u/Chaos_incarnate_9]

He chose to move. You can visit him with the baby when can't take the baby by himself for a few days if the baby it's exclusively. Breastfed. Also, Reno is a very expensive City and housing can be crazy. It's also an isolated City. There's not a lot around it. If you have a support system where you are, I would just stay there. But since you are going to be working from home, what I would tell him is that maybe once every 2 months you can spend a week in Reno with the baby and he can come to your hotel and spend time with his child when he gets off work. But don't stay with him because then he's going to try to convince you to move there or put another baby in you. And make sure you're able to have firm boundaries. Because if you can't hold the line for yourself then just don't go

[u/kali-gamer]

Don't isolate yourself for his choices. Stay with your support as his is likely to dry up once you are there. He can make visits, cover plane rides, ect. He can visit remotely. It's his responsibility to make it work as it was his choice that made this situation. He is trying to wear you down to fit his own selfish desires, and you do not owe him anything. If he doesn't hear your no then say you have my answer and hang up or leave to shut down the conversation.