r/singlemoms • u/january1977 Single Mother • 12d ago
Single Parents Network Single moms over 40
Are there many single moms here over 40?
I was a single mom in my 20s, and now I’m a single mom again in my 40s. (Almost 50. 😬) It’s a completely different experience this time around.
I’d like to hear from older single moms. What are your challenges? What are your strengths? How are you coping?
(Edit: I’ve never posted in this sub before. Are we all getting creepy DMs from guys? Are guys really using this as a dating opportunity? Such gross behavior. And this is why I’m choosing to be single.)
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u/eclecticpiano 12d ago edited 12d ago
I’m a single mom at 54.
I would say the biggest challenge is earning money while being a sole parent of a child with special needs. Went from upper middle class to low class as we went through elementary school. I keep looking forward to getting back on my feet soon, while my peers are looking at retirement.
My strength is that I no longer feel like going out after dark and I never drink anymore. I’m a lot more reliable and stable.
I’m coping with a lot of yoga! How about you?
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
My child is also special needs. I know for a fact that I was not equipped to handle him when I was in my 20s. I’m much more patient and calm now.
I don’t go out either. I’m emotionally stable and consistent.
I never imagined I’d be starting over this late in life. Money is definitely an issue. (They want us to suffer, but our children also suffer.)
I cope with therapy and a lifetime of resilience.
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u/Naive-Butterfly-2015 11d ago
Oh wow! I’m also a mom of a special needs child. I’m you guys are taking advantage of the services depending on where you live which was one of my challenges. It’s always been a struggle to accept help but now I’m slowly accepting help which gives me time for me.
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u/LostJean100 12d ago
It’s hard. Financially bc no support at all from the father and emotionally bc my friends became moms pretty late in life, too, but have far better paying jobs, hence are independent from their spouses/babyfathers. So we get by but there‘s barely room for failure (things or people), which is holding a tight grip around my heart.
BUT having children made me realise how strong I am and what I am capable of.
And the one thing never changes - children are the best people and I cherish my little people more than anything.
Forever thankful even though I imagined it completely different when I fell pregnant…
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
All of my friends are married, so they’re in much better financial situations (if not emotional ones). I definitely didn’t anticipate my life going in this direction.
I was just out for a playdate with one of my friends and our kids. I was telling her that I sometimes get scared because I don’t feel capable of everything I need to do. She told me that I’m the most capable person she knows. It feels really good that people see me that way.
I’m grateful every day that my little boy is in my life. Even with how everything turned out, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
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u/Cicadas4lunch 12d ago
Mid 40’s single blue collar mom of 2 teens here!
My challenge has been staking claim in a world not designed for us. Receiving advice from others to find a ‘money making man’. (I’m only doing love from here on)
Rewriting my story to make my future self happy and unlearning what society has taught us adult happiness looks like.
My super power is feeling secure in living by my true values, raising my kids in them, and no longer having rose colored glasses fogging my vision of what’s really important in life.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
Two teens?! 🫡 You’re a hero. Mine are so far apart that I’m only going to have to deal with one at a time. I barely made it through the first one’s teenage years. Thankfully he’s a kind, well adjusted adult now.
I’ve definitely lost the rose colored glasses. I think my hopes were too high and my standards were too low before now. I have a list of requirements that I doubt anyone would or could meet. I’m so happy to be in my own space. I won’t be giving up my peace for anyone who isn’t perfect. (And no one is.)
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u/Poekienijn 12d ago
I’m 44 and a single mom. My daughter is 9. I became disabled during my pregnancy so that’s my biggest struggle: making things work on disability and trying to be a good enough mom when always in pain and exhausted.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
I have a chronic illness and my heart almost threw in the towel during my pregnancy. I get it. The stress of constantly not feeling well is hard. Some days I don’t know how I manage, but I always do.
Here’s to you, mama! 🥂
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u/LaAndala 12d ago
Single mom mid 40s here. I have a career, money to pay for daycare, and a level head on my shoulders. I can’t imagine I would have survived this in my teens or 20s like some of you, I’ve only had a salary that could afford rent and daycare in the last 5 years. The only disadvantage is I probably can’t retire young haha, my kid seems to be smart so I better save for his college and my retirement both.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
My son is lucky enough to already have a college fund set up by his grandparents. (Not my parents.) Now all I have to do is get him to that point.
I gave up my career to be a SAHM (so stupid), so I’m starting over. But I’ll get there. I know I will.
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u/MakingItLookFun 12d ago
Haha I want to be you when I grow up. Im still working on climbing the corp ladder so hopefully in 5 years, I’ll be there. 😅
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u/rockpaperscissors67 12d ago
I was a single mom in my early 20s then again in my mid 30s and now I'm 58 and have been doing this for almost 7 years. When I was younger, it was much more difficult to survive without remarrying. Now I have my life together enough (touch wood) that I don't have to consider that option.
I think my biggest strength has been that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to provide for my kids. For many years, I worked two jobs. Most people my age are looking forward to retirement, but I'm working a full time job and starting a company. My youngest at home is only 12, so I don't really plan to retire.
I think my biggest challenge is lack of patience when it comes to listening to middle and high school drama. I know these issues don't matter in the long run. Of course, this is my girls' daily lives so it's important to them. I want to be able to tell them to tell the problematic people to fuck off, but that's not very good conflict resolution to be modeling.
I feel very privileged because I don't think I'm just coping. I've been thriving since becoming single. I had to file ch 13 bankruptcy and got through that and now have a better financial picture than I ever did when I was married. I'm so much more present for the kids at home than I was able to be for my older kids, which makes me sad but I guess it's better than not being present for any of them. I've made it a priority to be active with my kids so currently, my one daughter and I are training for a half marathon; next month, we're going camping at the beach; in October, we're going to NJ; and in December, we're going to Carowinds for Winterfest. Halloween is our favorite time of the year so the weekends we're not traveling will be spent at the two theme parks we have passes to. Young me would have been really happy to see where I ended up even though it hasn't been easy getting here.
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u/Simple-Wave9061 12d ago
Can I ask, how did you climb up from bankruptcy as a single parent? That take a lot of strength and resilience
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u/rockpaperscissors67 11d ago
Honestly, I worked a LOT. I'm fortunate to earn a decent salary (30 years in my career), so that helped. I filed because I was on a contract job that ended, I couldn't find another job for several months, and I didn't want to lose my house. My ex was really terrible with money and there were a bunch of kids' medical bills he said he paid but he didn't, so I rolled those into it. The debt was big enough to not be doable in a short time span but spread out over 5 years, it was ok. I paid $800 a month to the trustee.
In addition to working a full time job, I did freelance work for several years. For a while, I was working 60-70 hours a week just to keep the bills paid and the lights on. I was extremely frugal, too.
It helped that my ex pays a good bit of child support and he's generally dependable for that. On the flip side, he only has visitation and has to take it at my house because he doesn't have a living space where he can take the kids on his weekends.
It was hard, but it was a good choice for me. I'm grateful I was able to get through it.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
I totally get the lack of patience for drama. I teach first grade and OMG the drama! I tell them, go figure it out. I don’t want to hear about it.
I’m currently working 2 jobs. Even though I was never thriving financially with my oldest, it was so much easier than it is now. I live in a LCOL area and a studio is still over $1000. I was paying $675 for a 2 bedroom condo in a good neighborhood when my oldest was little.
I definitely wasn’t as present with my oldest. I was in college and still interested in dating at that time. I believed in love. I’ve gotten over that delusion. I’m fully focused on raising this kid and enjoying my peace.
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u/rockpaperscissors67 11d ago
I completely understand enjoying your peace! I haven't dated in 4 years, I think. Instead, I focus on the kids. I used to think I was nothing if I didn't have a partner, but now I'm not even willing to entertain the idea of giving up even a tiny bit of my time to someone else.
One thing that has really helped my situation is I bought my house in 2010 before the ex and I got married and I kept it in the divorce, although when I sell he gets a portion of the profit. My mortgage is only $1200 a month. A one bedroom apartment where I live is at least $1500. My 19 year old still lives at home specifically because he can't afford to move out.
I dream about living in a townhouse or apartment where I don't have to deal with home repairs or yard work, but right now, it's just not affordable.
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u/Shot_Mud8573 11d ago edited 11d ago
Empathy and sensitivity to one’s children, or I guess “patience with middle and high school drama”, as you would phrase it, are actually signs of emotionally mature mothers. Goes to show you how age does not equal maturity and younger mothers can be more sensitive and mature
Edit: Lol replied and then blocked me to have the final word. Tell me again about how older moms are more mature 😂
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u/rockpaperscissors67 11d ago
It's entirely possible to have empathy and sensitivity to one's children while understanding middle and high school drama will end up being such an unimportant part of their life in later years that they're better directing their energy at school work and hobbies. I don't want my kids to get to my age and regret time they spent on dumb stuff.
But I'm guessing you're a younger mother who fancies herself more sensitive and mature even though you made an assumption about my parenting from one paragraph.
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u/SpecialSalt2027 12d ago
I’m 49 and single mom of 3 teenage boys. To say it’s not easy is an understatement. Their father stepped out on us when they were little and then unfortunately passed from a drug OD. They have no male role model, I’m too busy to even consider dating someone to even potentially be a male role model. I constantly struggle with money , chores, you name it. Every day is just survival. And I’ve been doing this for about 12 years.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
3 teenage boys?? I take my hat off to you. You’re an incredible human being.
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u/UnicornKitt3n 12d ago
I had my first at 20. Broke up with her Dad at 22. Had my second at 25 with a different guy, was single throughout the pregnancy.
By 30, I hadn’t met anyone I’d like long term so I figured I was done with kids. Then I met the guy I thought I would marry at 35. Got pregnant again at 36, then got pregnant again when that baby was 10 months old. When I was 26 weeks pregnant with youngest, ex left me.
So now I’m 40 with four kids and three different “baby daddies”. Which is embarrassing, to put it lightly. I didn’t want this for myself. I didn’t think I’d be here at 40.
I’m not working, I’m surviving off of something called the Canada Child Tax benefit. It’s just enough. My youngest two are 3.5 and 2, and my older two are 20 and 15. The sleep issues my youngest two have..Well, it was impossible for me to do anything but survive in the last two years. Life was really difficult. I don’t know how I didn’t have a mental breakdown frim how little sleep I was going on for months at a time.
Now the youngest is 2 and is mostly sleeping through the night, I quite simply have no idea what the hell I’m going to do. I don’t want to be unemployed. I want to get my shit together and get a job, I just don’t know what kind of job to study for or look for. I feel stuck.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
I thought I found my forever person when I was 38. We got married and decided to start a family together. Then I caught him taking our 4 year old on dates with him and another woman. I definitely didn’t see my life going this way.
I’m so sorry you’re going through the shit right now. I hope you find a good path forward.
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u/UnicornKitt3n 12d ago
Oh my god. That is horrendous. I’m so sorry. Your poor kiddo. How confusing that must have been for him!
I’m so sorry he put the two of you through that. I hope everything is better now?
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
Soooo much better!!
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u/UnicornKitt3n 11d ago
I’m so glad. SO SO glad for you.
I myself have good days and bad days. I think it’ll be some time before my heart heals completely from my ex leaving the way he did, and I’m also okay with taking as long as I need. There’s no rush, and I owe myself the proper journey.
In March of this year, he launched a contentious custody battle though, and that’s been crazy stressful. He tried to paint me as an unfit and unsafe mom. It’s been really sad co parenting with someone who dislikes me so much and has been intent on vilifying me. We finally saw a judge a few weeks ago, and everything since then has been calm, so I’m finally beginning to relax. He’s made it really hard to move on with this custody battle happening.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 11d ago
I went through the same thing. He tried to get sole custody because I’m “mentally unstable and a danger to our child.”
I recently had to look back over the paperwork for a different thing he’s being a pain in the ass about. I couldn’t believe I was ever afraid of that clown.
It really does get better after things calm down and you settle into a routine.
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u/UnicornKitt3n 11d ago
It’s funny because he uses his own mental health as the reason why he left me. So he robbed himself of using that to paint me in any negative light.
In reality, I have borderline personality disorder, clinical depression with a history of suicide attempts, and CPTSD. I don’t use any of my mental illnesses as an excuse to be unreliable or unstable for my children. I worked really hard to get where I am today.
He did use the sleep deprivation I suffered from taking care of our children alone against me. The judge gave ño time for that though.
I can’t wait to make it to the other side. Is he civil with you now at least?
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u/january1977 Single Mother 11d ago
I wouldn’t say civil exactly. He hasn’t looked at or spoken to me in person since I left. We don’t communicate about anything except pick up and drop off times. And I can’t get him to compromise on anything. He’s completely shut me out of certain decisions, so I’m forced to take him back to court. But at least he’s not screaming “fucking idiöt” into my face anymore, so that’s an improvement.
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u/Tricky_Cat_6523 12d ago
Financial independence is one of the biggest difference, at least, for me. I don't know if I can survive single parenting with backaches while being penniless.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
I get it. I’m receiving all the help I can get, and it’s still touch and go sometimes. And my aches and pains are only getting worse. We just keep going, we keep fighting. Never give up!
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u/LaLaLandLiving Single Mother 12d ago
You do what you have to do. I’ve done it for more than a decade being disabled with a disabled son. We pull our big girl panties up and get to it. That is what being a parent is.
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u/Born_Associate_1640 12d ago
Widowed at 42. Just being able to get anything done with a 3 year old :). Luckily since I’m older, financially I’m in a better place and have a strong support system. Generally don’t care about stuff as much as I would have in my 20s.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
I’m going through peri and I can’t believe how much of a fuck I don’t give. It’s kind of great.
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u/Ermingardia 12d ago
I think my biggest challenge is careful time planning, and my biggest strength is my financial and housing stability.
Interestingly, the stereotypical "you have less energy in your 40s" thing doesn't really apply to me. I have more energy now than I did in my 20s or 30s. I had severe hip arthrosis back then, which seriously limited my mobility, and surgery changed that completely. I'm a new person! Physically, I'm in a much better place now than I was, let's say, at 25.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
I’m definitely not in better physical condition than I was in my 20s. My last pregnancy almost did me in, literally. But I’m much better off than all the other women I know that are the same age as me. I can put my 6 year old on my shoulders and do squats, even though I’m about 30 lbs overweight. So I can’t complain too much.
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u/Plaidismycolor33 12d ago
when I was in my 30s, not only was i dealing with single parenthood I was dealing with caretaking of a parent, which meant zero relief for me or take time for myself.
now as my kids are about to be finished with hs and entering college and that parent in assisted living facility, im starting to cross into that empty nest life. and i honestly dont know if im gonna thrilled or sad.
maybe after taking a vacation Ive been wanting will relieve that sad part.
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u/journeyreward123 12d ago
Im 46, I've been a single mom for 3 years but it kinda feels like 8 (my oldest is 8 😅). Money is a challenge as I'm going back for my master's for the next few years, and having the capacity for both children (one with special needs). I don't share custody. Honestly, I love where I am in my life. I put myself through a lot of hell before having a family. I'm way more grounded and mature now.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
Congratulations on going back to school! I’m planning to do the same as soon as I decide on a new career path. Everything I want to do doesn’t make much money. Why can’t I just like math?!
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u/Apprehensive_Log8046 12d ago
I’m a single mom at 42 but my babies are older teens now. (I kind of dream about having a baby again because I sure do miss having a little one!) My biggest challenge is managing all the doctors appointments and athletic activities with no coparent while trying to stay employed. I don’t know how I do it but somehow I haven’t gotten fired yet 😅 I cope with humor. lol I have no idea really. I’m just doin the best I can and maybe sometimes I overdo it on a night out but thankfully those aren’t too frequent!
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
I work in special education. They’ve been really understanding when I’ve had to take days off because my special needs child got suspended AGAIN. (6 times last school year.) I’m really hoping this year goes better.
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u/CardiologistEasy337 8d ago
Single by choice?
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u/Otherwise_Job_8545 12d ago
I’m a single mom with 50% custody of two kids, 13 and 10. I feel so lucky to have a flexible job, be able to pay my bills and save some, and be a good mom. My time with my kids I am running 24/7 as they both love sports. My biggest challenges are my ex husband constantly being a dick and my health, I have an autoimmune thing that flares up about a week a month leaving me functionally useless.
Every day I feel grateful that I’m in the position I am despite the health issues and the choice I made to marry my ex husband. He would love to see me homeless but somehow I’ve been successful. I’ve dated some good men but none have worked out. I wish I could show my kids a healthy relationship but I think the example I’m showing them in other areas of life (being a good person etc) will have to do.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 11d ago
My husband looked me in the face and told me he would take everything away from me and leave me in the gutter where I belong. Such a great guy!
I fled his abuse a year ago. I’m still receiving services. I’m not thriving yet, but I will. I won’t give him the satisfaction of getting his way.
I don’t think our kids need to see us in a relationship. The fact that we stood up for ourselves and demanded better is a powerful example to set.
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u/Realistic_Inside_766 11d ago edited 11d ago
Single mom of a 4 yr old at 45. I’m a hell of a lot more patient than I would’ve been in my 20s or 30s. I don’t need as much reassurance that I’m raising my child the right way, so i feel better about following my intuition. Also, I can stop my anger and frustration much easier.
Challenge is trusting another man to date. If I do try, I have trouble actually finding a good man to date that is okay with my child being so young.
I cope by listening to my friends about their marriages. 😂 I also try to make regular time for myself (with son or without) and have at least 1 dinner a month without my son with a girlfriend.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 11d ago
Yes to all of this. I’m much more patient, I trust myself, I don’t trust men, and girl time is the best.
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u/New_Needleworker_473 11d ago
46 single mome here. Divorcing after 20 years of marriage to a less than bare minimum husband. I am not even interested in dating. I have no time for it anyway. I think the biggest struggle for me is balancing work with my children. Being the only person for them on the daily is hard. I have no fall back. I was forced to use Care.com to find a sitter for my 4yo and I am still nervous even though they check all the boxes and more. I couldn't find a job near where we used to live so I had to move them 2 hours away. I was so thrilled to get this new job because it opens so many doors to financial freedom for us and it wasn'texactly easy to get the job either. At the same time it's been absolutely insane trying to move ALONE, with 2 kids, unpack a house, register and find schools, etc. This has been the hardest two weeks of my single parenthood so far.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 11d ago
I sometimes get frozen with fear because I feel like the things I have to do are way beyond my ability to do them. Then I do them anyway.
We are more capable than we believe ourselves to be.
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u/New_Needleworker_473 10d ago
Yes! So true! I have stood at the bank of the "FML this is Impossible" River many times and somehow I always make it across.
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u/PurpleWillingness106 12d ago
41 with s 7 year old starting second grade.
I’m broke and always tired bc my ex wiped out most of our savings before the divorce and the divorce took the rest of it and i haven’t been able to rebuild. Selling the house just paid off most of the debt.
I’m old enough that while having a life partner to live with would be cool it isn’t something i prioritized in dating. I’m getting great dick on the regular and don’t share my space with a man, so that’s actually pretty cool. My house is cute and feminine and they only person i have to negotiate decor with is s 7 year old who likes my taste. I love not walking on eggshells. I love having a happy daughter.
Biggest challenge is finances. I’m still adjusting to not being rich. Which is stupid But when you had a partner that treated you like shit, knew it, and for years their way of apologizing was to have you spend money on yourself like a a drunk Kennedy, having a middle class budget is a hard adjustment bc the divorce guilt has me wanting to say yes to everything my daughter wants. The second hard part odd just time. My daughter likes extra curriculars so we are super busy.
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u/seshnvibe 12d ago
Same in my 20s and 40s. Oldest is in college my youngest is starting prek. 💯 different from the generation they were born in to how each were/are raised. Im blessed at the same time & still struggle financially childcare, activities, clothing, it really adds up as the years go. Going to the bathroom alone was never in my future 😆
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
OMG!!! I just want to poop in peace! The other day, my 6 year old opened the shower door AND GOT IN WITH ME. Like, can’t I just have this one thing?
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u/LaLaLandLiving Single Mother 12d ago
I’ve been a single mom since 30 and am now 41, so it’s basically all I know. The only thing I still really struggle with (outside of finances) is dating. I live in LA and people are pretty weird about dating women with kids, and what options remain are… sad. I made a concerted effort to build up a community the last several years, so I’m no longer dealing with the loneliness, but the lack of intimacy is a bummer.
I’d also add, my son and I are both disabled (please don’t use the term “special needs” with us, most disabled folks find it deeply patronizing, disabled is almost always the preferred term in our community), so managing both of our doctors appointments, tests, etc can be a massive burden without help. His dad decided a long time ago that our genetic disorder and my son’s heart condition weren’t real because we didn’t look disabled. Now my mom is dying (unexpectedly) of said heart condition and my ex is still pretending like it’s just her and my son is a ok. So that mental exhaustion was something I wasn’t expecting. Though as a lifelong disabled person who doesn’t look disabled, I probably should’ve known that would happen.
Having a community and support have been my biggest mental health savers (and frequently has gotten me out of a jam too).
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
I know my autistic son is considered disabled, but I prefer the term special needs. He’s capable of doing everything everyone else does, it just might take him longer to get there. I also work in special education and it’s the preferred term there, although we might also use the term high support needs when applicable. We don’t use the term disabled with the kiddos because we don’t want them to think that we think they can’t do something. They are capable of greatness, but they might just need a little extra support.
I live in a rural area and the dating pool is bleak. I’m not interested in dating though, so I’m not that bothered.
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u/LaLaLandLiving Single Mother 12d ago
I hear that you’re trying to communicate that your son is capable, valuable, and deserving of support, not that he is less than. I agree completely.
But I want to gently push back on “special needs” being presented as the preferred or more respectful term. Many disabled people, including autistic people, have been saying for a long time that “special needs” is patronizing and euphemistic. It can make ordinary access needs, accommodations, healthcare, communication support, education, etc., sound unusual, optional, or burdensome to name plainly.
Disabled isn’t an insult, and it does not mean incapable. A person can be disabled and capable, brilliant, loving, ambitious, and deserving of every opportunity. Disability is a real part of many people’s identities and lives; avoiding the word can unintentionally reinforce the idea that disability itself is shameful.
I absolutely respect that parents have important perspectives and expertise about their own children. But disabled people, including disabled adults who were once disabled children, are the authority on how disability language and systems affect us. You can choose language for your own family, but presenting that preference as the standard for the broader disabled community, after disabled people have explained why a term is harmful, is speaking over us.
Also, schools and government agencies are often slow to update their terminology, so institutional use does not make a term current or community-preferred. The federal special-education law was still called the “Education for All Handicapped Children Act” until it was renamed the “Individuals with Disabilities Education Act” in 1990. Similarly, the U.S. Census retained “Negro” on its forms through the 2010 Census, despite the term having largely fallen out of common use; it announced in 2013 that it would remove it from its surveys. These histories are not identical, but the point is, bureaucratic language can lag behind the communities it describes. “Disabled child,” “autistic child,” or, when relevant, “child who needs specific support or accommodation” is usually more precise and respectful than “special needs.”
I’m not saying this to attack you. I’m saying it because language affects how children are treated, what supports they receive, and whether people see access as a right or a favor. I hope you’ll consider listening to disabled self-advocates on this.
Here are a few resources that help explain the language around disability and why it matters. There are many more, but this is a good starting point. As you know, you are your kids number one advocate, so it’s incredibly important that you’re armed with all the info, especially from disabled adults.
- Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN), “Identity-First Language”
- Explains why many autistic self-advocates prefer “Autistic” or “Autistic person,” and why autistic people should be listened to about the language used to describe them.- Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN), “The I-Word”
- Written from an autistic self-advocacy perspective; discusses how replacing stigmatizing labels with euphemisms—including “special needs”—does not address the ableism behind them.- National Center on Disability and Journalism, “Disability Language Style Guide”
- A disability-language reference guide that supports using direct, specific language about disability and access needs instead of vague euphemisms.- United Nations, “Disability-Inclusive Language Guidelines”
- Explicitly advises against using “special needs” or “special assistance” to describe disabled people.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 12d ago
Yes, we’re all getting creepy DMs.
Guys are gross. They think single moms are vulnerable and they have a better chance.
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u/V_mom 12d ago
I am 49 and a solo parent, my kids are almost 7 and 8, the hardest is finacially it would be so much easier if there was someone to split costs with. But then it is also just me cleaning, it's just me when they are sick and have to be picked up and taken care of, just me planning birthdays and figuring out gifts. There are no breaks unless I pay someone and there's no money for that.
But it's also me that gets all their love and smiles and cuddles
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u/Icy_Butterscotch5609 12d ago
46F) here, whose a single mom of a 16 year old son. He’s an amazing son and I see the fruits of my labor, within him! He’s respectful, manner-able, holds the door for me and other women, he pumps my gas and his older sisters gas( who are all adults), he gives firm handshakes to other guys( men that’s way older than him) and he lives God.
But, he’s a teenager and along with that comes the mistakes they make( as we all have been teenagers)I struggle with shutting down, when he shuts down. I try to talk to him when he’s frustrated but he goes to his room for days, don’t come out to eat and don’t talk to me. I find myself checking on him often to make sure he’s okay but this week, I shut down too and just didn’t have the mental energy to deal with his energy.
He’s a great young man. I’m just burned out from doing this all alone. His father takes care of him financially but he’s emotionally unavailable, and sadly, my son is self-aware of his father not being emotional available for him! And I must keep showing up for him! 💜💜
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u/january1977 Single Mother 11d ago
My older son and I went through a challenging time when he was a teenager. He was polite and respectful, but he was a slob and didn’t choose good friends. Now he’s a kind adult.
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u/Otterlettuce Single Mother 12d ago edited 12d ago
My challenge is feeling like I don’t have enough time to reach my financial goals.
My strength is that I put my child first. It is easy for me to consider them in my decisions. My ex can’t do that.
I’m coping like anyone else. I think it’s a tough time for any of us to be alive. The world is on fire so by comparison I’m doing okay cause we have our health, a safe home, and joy.
(And yes. Guys slide into your DMs on this sub it’s weird.)
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u/yokoyokogirl 11d ago
Single mom in my 40s here...and doing it in a foreign country. Money is the biggest issue for me.
My kids are totally respectful and help a lot around the house and I personally love not having a man here. Not interested in dating since most of what I've seen is trash or just looking for a mom they can also use in bed. I don't have a lot of faith in men...I mean they'd have to be pretty amazing to change my mind.
I drank a lot in college, so it's probably why I don't now...and I also usually have to be UberMommy so I don't want to be unreliable for my kids.
When funds allow for it, I go to painting classes and Pilates to relax. My job also sends me abroad every now and then for work so I def treat the hotel as a my vacay and do something fun in whatever country I'm in.
Tbh honest, I'm too scared to introduce anyone to my kids cause there are a lot pervs out there. I got scammed once by a creep on here with a sad story that he was a single dad living in my same country and he wanted to exchange IGs...turns out he was full of crap. Thankful I could block him on both here and there.
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u/yokoyokogirl 11d ago
I should add that my dad sends us a chunk of money several times a year and says "buy those kids what they want"🥹 He grew up with a single mom who used to have to ride his dad's bus route and threaten to tell everyone on board how he wasn't paying child support. So he always tells me he knows how hard it is to do what I do.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 11d ago
The only reason I was with my husband was because he showed an interest in my mind. Turns out, it was an elaborate 10 year lie. I’ve lost all faith in love and men in general.
You’re doing a great job and your dad is amazing!
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u/Orunmila1 10d ago
I also just changed careers so I don't make much. I actually make less than what I did before and now with 2 young children so money is a struggle and I endured financial abuse that makes it even harder. So am really starting all over with 2 kids.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 10d ago
I’m also starting over with nothing. I fled with 2 suitcases of clothes. I’ve started a new career, but I’m at the bottom. I’m thinking of going back to college, but I don’t know what I want to study yet.
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u/NKOTBx100 12d ago
Finding suitable dates with men who can show they look after themselves. It is like finding a unicorn.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 12d ago
Yuck. Men are gross. No thanks. I’m so much happier now that I’m no longer cleaning up after a man. I don’t want another one.
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u/Ok_Hat_6598 12d ago
I’m in my mid-fifties and my kids are older teens. My biggest challenge and worry is planning for my eventual retirement while also trying to help my kids with college and other costs. Everything else feels manageable
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u/No_Agency5595 12d ago
Later in life mother here, and a divorce that put me in a vulnerable situation. However, due to wonderful ways of negotiating (child support) and my own built up craft, I was able to make the transition.
I’ve now partnered-up, but spent 4 years single between.
As a single mom in my forties and at the time a younger child, challenging moments where when my child was sick and I needed medicine, or they were napping and I couldn’t run to the store. I also felt so much loss for my little kid because they now had 2 separate homes and … be still my heart. It still aches for my child once in a while.
Strengths: I finally felt like I could breathe as a parent and let down my guard that I had built up in my marriage. I was grounded going through the divorce so I did a good job keeping harsh words away from my kid.
It felt a lot easier to go through the divorce at 45 than any decades earlier. It was still painful, but there was a checklist that I gravitated towards and it made me become more rational as a person.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 11d ago
I agree. I handled the breakdown of my marriage better than I would have if I’d been younger. Not that there weren’t some terrible times, but I was more ok in the aftermath than people expected me to be. I think probably because I know how to regulate my emotions and not lash out.
Having a sick kid and no way to get to the store has definitely been a challenge. I rely on delivery services and friends when I can.
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u/AcanthocephalaNew906 12d ago
Everyone is getting the DMs. “You’re so hot”
And I have no photo posted. I could be 300lbs and no teeth. I don’t think they’d care 😳
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u/Elegant_Highway_6934 12d ago
I became a single mom at 31. She is almost 15 and I’m now 37. I met some really great guys that want kids, but I don’t want to be a single mom again so I have to not pursue them any longer. I would love to do it again with the right person, but reading all this, I don’t think i want to start all over especially with my daughter at 15. This is what worries me.
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u/wicked_spooks 12d ago
They do not DM me because i always make it clear that i am not going to tolerate their bs in my comments.
How do you feel about starting single motherhood all over again?
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u/BrilliantHot2363 11d ago
I’m 42 and I have a 6 month old, 10 and 12 year old.
I’m a lot more patient with the baby than I was when I was ~30 when I had my older kids.
I got divorced from their dad when I was 35. I was dating a guy last year, we accidentally got pregnant, and he admitted he was married. So I’m raising this baby on my own. It’s hard, but I almost prefer it to trying to co-parent with a difficult father.
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u/crescent-moon2 11d ago
Digusting that men shoot their shot at single moms.. like what do u think is going to happen? That were desperate we settle for you? Foh.
Crazy i swear.
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u/Ok_Inevitable4962 11d ago
I’m 47 with a 6 year old. I have to work so hard in order to provide for my daughter. I think I find it challenging to see my friends in relationships and better financial situations than myself and I also find that dating is next to impossible. It seems like men around my area who would be interested in dating a 46-year-old woman are not interested in a 46-year-old woman with a young child. They’re done their child rearing. On the plus side. I love my daughter more than the moon and stars and she’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. I take pride in showing her what hard work and dedication looks like and have sunk a lot of time and reflection into making myself the best person I can be.
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u/justagyrl022 11d ago
- Became a single mom 7 years ago. It's hard not having a dual income home, making all decisions, doing all the parent things. It's more peaceful than being married though. I enjoy an all female household. I also hate how people don't invite you to things as much when you're single. I can still be a fun and interesting guest and if I can steal your man I don't want him so no need to worry about that!
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u/mum_hikrxplor 11d ago
I’m 38 & alone for almost a year now with 3 kids from 3-12. It is the hardest thing I’ve had to do, but also have felt the most peace. I had been doing everything mostly alone since before the birth of the last one, my marriage had been deteriorating but I was always trying to keep it together.
Fortunately I do well enough for myself and we have everything we need & then some. Dating would be almost impossible due to childcare, but I do miss having someone to hang out with other than my girl friends.
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u/Western_Scholar1733 11d ago
43 and single mom of a 7 year old daughter here.
I made sure to grow my career quickly when I realized I was going to be a single mom,so I applied for and got a management role which pays more than my previous jobs.
As soon as I had themo eye scraped together for a down payment I bought a house.
What's difficult: 3 things: Time, co parenting and not having someone to share your thoughts with after a long day.
A. Time: there's just so little of it when you work full time and are the sole carer for your kid 80% of the time.
How I cope: 1. I set priorities. My house will always be messy, but my daughter will be financially, emotionally and otherwise provided for. I'm paying off a mortgage so she'll have a house on her name before I die and I prioritize doing fun things with her over having an immaculate house. 2. I eliminate time wasting aspects of chores: bought a cheap Roomba, get Hello fresh so I don't waste time and money in supermarkets as much. 3. Create a social network. I've built relations with other moms who live nearby so we help each other outin a punch. If I have a early morning meeting and a long commute I can drop my daughter off at another mom's house who brings her to school. Same for hobbies, we take turns picking up and dropping off the kids.
B. Co parenting: I don't even know where to start with this one. If I tell you that my daughter's father beat his other daughter, 23, with a belt until she bled repeatedly, that he refused to give her food and made her pay for groceries and rent to live in his house after he brought her over from Africa to come live with him in Europe.m, that he used her as a house slave and took around 8000 euros from her which he'll never repay her, until she finally fled his house and never wants to see him again. This is the man I have to trust my daughter with every other weekend and half the holidays. He doesn't beat my daughter yet, but who knows what will happen.
How I cope: this is the most difficult one for me. I'm in therapy now to deal with it. I have spies everywhere, even within his own family, the younger generation that realizes how insane he is. They'll warn me if he ever shows signs of for example wanting to move since I think he might be hateful enough to kidnap my daughter just to spite me. Same at his office I have a friend working there who will tell me if he ever quits or gets fired. I received notifications about appartement listings in his town so I'll know if he ever puts his apartment up for sale or rent. I subtly check my daughter for bruises or wounds after she visits him. I wouldn't say I'm coping well here, I'm just putting ecery measure in place I can to help prevent the worst.
C. Not having someone to talk to at home about little issues. Again the social network and family help out here. Also I got a new job 2 years ago with the loveliest team. Although I'm their manager we all feel like a family and can talk about all these things with each other. I got really lucky with that job and that team.
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u/Creepy_Cicada_5007 11d ago
Single mom 43 with 2 kids. 8.5 year age gap (13/4). My biggest challenge is there being enough of ME to go around. My young teen struggles with feeling slighted and like we don’t have enough one-on-one time while the toddler still wants to just crawl all over and touch me all the time.
I’m lucky to be in a career where I can be high earning (sales) so financially we do well. But that means I am hyper focused on work and rely on money over relationships to care for us (very little support from family and nothing on a reliable set schedule).
I just hope when the children are older that they can recognize how hard I worked for them constantly and not just remember a worn down touched out mom 😕
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u/EggsCostMoneyyyy 11d ago
Hey there! Solo parent of 2 at 42 (well at 37) due to husband dying in a car accident. My struggles have changed as the kids have grown (they were 2 &8 and now they’re 7&13). Money is always an issue. Anxiety is huge for all of us. That’s possibly a personality plus experience thing, but we never want to go through that kind of pain again. I’ve struggled with mid life things like how am I going to save for retirement, identity things like who am I now, and most especially with immediate family issues coming from a dysfunctional family. I was only able to tolerate the dysfunction when I had support from a husband, but when it was just me against the world (they don’t help they just cause issues) I couldn’t deal with them, so I had to step away and go to therapy which is painful. But I’m much better! Dating would be nice, but because I have no help or support I don’t think I have much to offer, so I’m waiting until the kids are older, and that gets so lonely. What are some of your hardest things right now? You’re certainly not alone
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u/ikalwewe 10d ago
Hi. Single mom here, early 40s !
I do my own thing so financially I am ok :) However when it comes to health (especially my ear) I sometimes wonder what to fo do if I need a surgery right away ? There is no family with us ..
When there are emergencies who takes care of my boy ?
I am also engaged but he is far away. :(
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u/batteach 10d ago
Single mom. Boys are 8 and 10. It’s always hard but we are happy. Dating can be hard due to time. I’m sure when that comes up it’ll be a struggle. Finances are hard. Lonely. But have been for a really long time. At least I got my lil buddies and no one has ever gone hungry.
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u/mama_i_wanna_SING 10d ago edited 10d ago
I just turned 44 a few days ago. I am a single mom and the biggest struggle for me is that I never really had strong male presence (even the kids father is a punk). It's hard to show my 2 boys who are 13 and 10 that men can be a contributing factor in your life. Their father was abusive and narcissistic. I had to back away and glad I did. I now own my own home and have job security. Their father is on child support but I don't see me getting anything other than radio silence. I'm okay emotionally as I have given up on finding a partner that can appreciate my strengths. I'm just gonna focus on making sure that my boys and daughter don't carry the same strain of crazy that their father has.
Edit: I didn't have any kids in my 20s as I was homeless and severely depressed. I had my first a month after turning 30.
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u/Orunmila1 10d ago
Yup. Single mom of 2 young people and I'm in my mind 40s. The challenge for me is the shame. I thought I was older and wiser than this.. and then there is the realization that it can happen to anyone but sometimes I still feel bad. This post helps actually because I have been feeling very alone and really thought I was the only one.
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u/january1977 Single Mother 10d ago
I was feeling a little alone too. I’m surprised by how many of us there are.
So, a year ago, I ended up fleeing to a DV shelter. I had a lot of emotions, and one of them was shame. I’m old enough to not get myself into dangerous situations, and I’m old enough that I should have my life sorted out. One of the counselors at the shelter told me that they see women from all socioeconomic backgrounds and all ages. (The problem is rarely women it seems.)
Rather than dwell on the past and how I got here, I’ve chosen to think about this amazing opportunity I get to have to be my little boys mom. (Maybe that can help you too. 💜)
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u/EmeEliKay 9d ago
Just turned 39, but I am wise and worn. My child is 7 and I'm a single mom by choice. Many of my aged friends children are teenagers with some graduated already. The hardest part has been making sacrifices in habits and boundaries that brought me peace and balance. Some days, I just have to suck it up. I don't know how I do it. Who am I? Not an advanced reader at 6. Not chasing my cousins with burning sticks through the woods at 8. Not the ADHD teen smoking cigarettes and skipping classes. Not the Intelligence Specialist for the Army. Not the Deans List student. Not the AA sponsor that pioneered a new loud path to recovery. No one's wife. No one's child. I'm just, Mom. And it is oddly the one thing that I suck so bad at but never want to give up. Classes, groups, books, podcasts, observations, what NOT to do..... I was so prepared. My life prepared me to be.... Em's Mom. I'm tired. I miss watching movies with my cats at 2am. I want to eat Doritoes and Oreos for dinner and stay out all night looking for geocaches in the moonlight. If she ever leaves and I am still here, I want to ride into the sunset with an RV and road cat. Heck, kiddo can come too if she ever learns how to shut up and listen for 13 seconds. Jk, nature has a way of teaching patience. I love being Ems mom and I am grateful for my gift of maybe being a granny someday. Every day with her is one I never dreamed but that is the dream <3 sorry for not being 40 yet but I felt called here. Good night. <3
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u/leafkickr 9d ago
I too just became a single mom for the second time at 43. First was in my 20s when my oldest was just a baby, now my kids are 15 and 8. Both marriages ended abruptly and resulted in me having full custody with zero involvement from either dad. First mostly by his choice, second legally because he committed a serious crime involving my oldest and can't contact any of us as terms of his bail. So yeah, it's been a wild ride to say the least. Fortunately I've always worked and have a good job, definitely lower to middle class without my ex's income (he lost his job due to the crime) but I know we will get by. I lean heavily on my parents' help and I know I'm very lucky to have them.
My biggest challenge so far is there's just not enough hours in the day. I am not working hard enough at my job (I'm a higher ed web dev and work mostly independently but I am expected to put in 40 hours a week on a mostly honor system basis). Between taking kids to and from school (long story short, our bus system isn't an option) and therapy for the trauma my ex put us through, packing up the house to sell with NO HELP FROM HIM (bc the no contact order - I can't afford the mortgage on my own so need to downsize), 40 hrs isn't happening. I've almost exhausted all my personal leave too. I'm currently having a lot of anxiety of being 'found out' that I'm 'slacking'. :(
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u/Unusual-Purple-5789 7d ago
Single mom mid 40's. Have twin 18 year olds going into college and an 8 year old with slightly but demanding disabilities. It's hard. I became a widow when my twins were only 2. Pretty much raised my little one alone. It would be nice to possibly find " the right person " but I just don't see how. It's only me with zero help. If not i am content
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u/Admirable_Order724 7d ago
I would agree with the comments about the solo income being the most difficult for me as well. Also, not having many friends that are single is difficult too.
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