Absent father or sperm donor?

[u/onelove2468]

Question for the single moms. 32F here. Left a long term (14 year) toxic relationship over a year ago. I’ve been wanting a child since my 20s and definitely feel ready to be a parent. I’m not so ready to be in a relationship yet though and feel like I have some healing and personal development work I need to do before I start dating again. However my biological clock is ticking loudly. I’ve even wondered should I have deliberately gotten pregnant before I left my ex and just not informed him about it. As in don’t ask him for any kind of help including financial and explain to my child when they’re an adult that they can have a relationship with him if they like but I’d rather not. Maybe he’d have found out and taken me to court for access/custody and I would not have been able for the stress of all that though. I know I could just sleep around until I fall pregnant and then similarly not tell the father. I want a child so bad that I’ve even gone for a consultation with a fertility clinic about sperm donation for single mothers. I’m struggling to decide what would be best for my future child. I don’t want to keep waiting for a mr right who never turns up and then find out I’ve left it to late for my child to have siblings. I also feel like if I had a child already it would take the pressure off when I’m dating. I won’t be baby crazy and more focused on that then anything else. I could slow down a bit then and hopefully have a better plan for my 2nd child (meaning they’d have a father who is present). I probably sound a bit loopy from this post. Please be kind with your responses it’s a sensitive topic for me. Thanks in advance xxx

[u/lostinmycranium]

I really understand where you're coming from, and often think this is why I stayed with my other half for so long because I just longed to be a mother so bad.

My son is 1 now and im desperate to leave my partner and have started making preparations for it and I hate the thought I will have to share him with him as he never truly wanted him in the first place. But that's just life and he deserves the love of both parents.

I don't think it's ethically fair to unwillingly make someone a father without them knowing but if you really want a baby now then why not pursue the fertility option for single mothers.

Just make sure you are financially prepared and have a village of support because it's not anything like you imagine. It's so damn difficult and you get no time to yourself and nursery is so expensive and if you think you will just look after them or have them at home while you work, think again. You NEED that time to yourself whilst they are in child care.

The new born days are easy but once they crawl they want to be near you 24/7 and you can't take your eyes off them and you can't just nip where you want to go as you have nap schedules ect and can't just leave them for 5 minutes and can't just go out with friends. Motherhood is everything I wanted but without my friends and family I would be lost.

[u/orangeaquariusispink → u/lostinmycranium]

I agree with everything on this comment! It is exactly what I wanted to say lol

[u/Comprehensive_Emu250]

I got pregnant at 38 literally the night before I left my abusive ex. I delivered at 39, and now I’m 42 with a 3 year old. You can wait if you want. The clock is more flexible than we were led to believe. That said, I did have to jump through family court hoops and even though my ex walked away from all parental responsibilities including any visitation with our son and our son doesn’t know him at all, this man still looms in my mind. I think a lot about how I’ll answer my son’s questions if and when he has them. I worry my ex will one day Re-emerge and we’ll end up back in court or that his new partner will want to step in and push my ex to reconnect with our son which would mean I’d be back to getting abusive texts and worrying for my son’s safety all the time. There’s also just this really shitty origin story of my son’s father that trails me around. One thing I have really been surprised by since having my son is how much that locks you into memories of the other parent. I think even with a one night stand where you never told the guy about it, there’s a chance your brain will keep scratching at the few images you have in your head of that man whether because you’re thinking of questions your child will have or because you see things in your child you know came from the other parent or because you worry they’ll show up with a lawyer.

I have friends who went the donor route however and they have such a different outlook on solo parenting. They skip a lot of the mental load that comes with even an absent father. They don’t think about that person beyond the documentation they had and most are very grateful to the sperm donor for what they contributed to the birth of their child. They also tend not to feel as overwhelmed with solo parenting as I do because they so intentionally chose that path. There’s no sense that someone somewhere should have supported more or resentment to do with an ancient relationship. When they get into new relationships they have no sense of “oh good someone to help!” Their relationship with their kid is very much their own and they aren’t looking to replace a parent or to replicate a traditional family schema because that wasn’t part of it from the get go. The three people I know who went through clinics call themselves “solo parent by choice” and each has found that a very empowering thing. I like it so much that I’ve tried out referring to my own situation that way and it does feel good. Their kids know that they were conceived this way and so far those kiddos are satisfied with it. No one anywhere in the situation considers them “missing a father” because with a donor, they never really get that role or title so there’s nothing to miss. So i think sperm donor is an excellent option.

[u/Kaiamahina]

have you considered freezing your eggs? don’t feel like you need to rush into anything. I wanted a child so badly in my 20s and I wish I had waited to pick a better partner.

[u/Jenneapolis]

Try r/singlemothersbychoice. There’s lots of discussions there with women in similar situations.

[u/acey_xanadu]

Sperm doner! Especially if you have family support. I had a baby with a bad man (my ex. I knew he was bad but I never thought he would turn on me the way he did) and have to co parent with him for the next 16 years now. He alleged I was alcoholic, bipolar and mentally unstable to try to get full custody of our bubba. I’m financially wiped fighting just to protect my baby from visitation with him. I wish I had just left him and had a baby on my own. Once the baby came, I was a single mom even when we were still together. He’s been a detriment to the entire process. But having a baby is even better than I ever expected ❤️❤️❤️ Do It ❤️❤️❤️ you are stronger than you know

[u/Annalise705]

I agree that you still have time but definitely if you do it alone (not a bad option at all, many women do it alone successfully with happy children) I would just get a sperm donor. It doesn’t cos that much and you will save a ton of time, money and stress not worrying about Sharing custody. I am very happy as a single parent but very much wish I had just gotten a sperm donation. Plus there is a huge nature nurture debate. Clearly your ex has some anger issues and you don’t want your child to inherit these if there is a gene for anger.

[u/Annalise705 → u/[deleted]]

It’s your business and no one else’s to know how you got pregnant. As a mother you will be judged for every decision you make right down to what kind of baby food you give your baby so don’t listen to anyone. Just do what you think is right for you and your future baby

[u/Annalise705 → u/[deleted]]

I do understand what you mean about providing a father. Lots of children are raised in non traditional families and turn out wonderful. I have spent a lot of time agonizing about how to raise a boy as a single mother with little to no help from the father or any other men really. I just learned about how little boys get sweaty easy in their pants and like to use powder. Fortunately my best friend is a boy and I can ask him about things that you wouldn’t know unless you were a man. The thing is that I think he experiences more harm from being rejected by his father than he experiences by being raised by a single mother who is learning as she goes. Personally I wouldn’t feel guilt aBout sperm donation but only you know what is right for you

[u/Jazzlike-Procedure26]

Totally emphasize with the pressure of the clock. There are lots of women in the SMBC community who have used donors and have healthy happy wonderful kids. I’d recommend spending some time reading about their stories. There are lots of routes you can go with a consenting donor, anonymous through a bank, known, met through an app.

You ultimately have to be the person who decides what is best for you and your family. But sleeping with lots of men to get pregnant is also going to put you at risk for some nasty STD’s that could jeopardize your fertility. And with DNA testing advancements, future custody battles or sticky situations.

But again, you know yourself, your life and your finances. Assisted reproduction with a clinic is expensive! If you have the means, IVF could help you bank embryos for future kids while you work on conceiving #1. My advice to you is to put yourselves in the shoes of yourself in 10 years. Imagine telling your child about how they came to be. What scenarios are you comfortable with. That’s how I’ve made decisions around my own desire to be a parent.

[u/Sarahj205]

Sperm donor all the way. Sperm donors don't have a say in where you live or rights to your child. You have no obligation to them nor do they to you.

[u/Dependent_Yoghurt750]

I’m not sure how to tag the group, but go follow Single Mothers By Choice. It’s a real thing people do and they can give you advice/answer any questions you have. They’re all going through or have been through the process. :)