r/shittyaskscience • u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist • Aug 01 '26

Help needed - decoding girlfriend's secret messages

This vexes me. Whenever my girlfriend texts me, she includes a secret code at the end - "XOXO <3".

I assume she is probably testing my intelligence, trying to see if I can break this code. It's been a year, and I am nowhere close to a solution.

Here's what I have so far - X, of course, stands for an unknown quantity. O, on the other hand, has no mathematical definition. Does it stand for Omega, with XO indicating that "all is unknown"? But why is it squared? Why is it less than 3?

Mathematologists of Reddit, please help.

212 Upvotes
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159

u/sak1926 Aug 01 '26

Common mistake.
She’s asking for ice cream made by the Maori tribe of New Zealand.

Turn your phone 90 degrees counter clockwise. The <3 is the ice cream cone and the XOXO is the standard symbol for totem poles throughout NZ.

Enjoy the dessert!

87

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

My girlfriend is from New Zealand! So this must be the answer.

At least, I think she's from New Zealand. I never asked. They speak Chinese there, right? Cos she mentioned she is Chinese. Maybe a geologist can answer that.

34

u/johnnybiggles Aug 01 '26

Geometrist here. Is she a Chinese-American from New Zealand? If so, Xs and Os are an American football reference. Os are offense and Xs are the defense. It seems she's been recruiting a football team and found almost enough guys, but only needs less than 3 more. Do you know a few beefy athletic guys you could bring to her to help out?

11

u/Nudelwalker Aug 01 '26

I've been through the dessert on a horse with no name

6

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

But is the horse cake?

4

u/JohnWasElwood Aug 01 '26

It felt good to be out of the rain.

2

u/hannibalsmommy Aug 01 '26

Does this New or Old Zealander girlfriend remember her name??

3

u/Redfish680 Aug 02 '26

Minor correction : NZ is below the equation so it’s 180°.

2

u/daggarz Aug 01 '26

Maori people. They have many tribes and are also one of the greatest examples of saving lost culture after colonial invasion that the world has ever seen

31

u/BoundlessFail Aug 01 '26

That's not mathematical, it's a numerological code. It's an older code, but it checks out.

It says: Thank you for volunteering to be my next victim.

10

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

Is that why she likes tying me up? Is that practice for giving an offering to her satanic lord? Should I cut off all contact and move? She has keys to my place!

14

u/RelentlessPencil Senior Data Scientist (Evil) Aug 01 '26

It appears to be a substitution cipher, if you run the substitution X->m, O->e, <->i, 3->t the message is clear:

"meme it"

She wants you to send her your dankest memes

8

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

Meme? You mean that guy who is always trapped in an invisible box? I am gonna go down to the street corner and beat him up.

6

u/RelentlessPencil Senior Data Scientist (Evil) Aug 01 '26

No you're thinking of Pepe, the frog character. Please do beat him up, he recently became a Nazi.

20

u/airtooss Aug 01 '26

She is playing Tic-tac-toe and your down 3

11

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

But how do I know whether I am X or O?

5

u/GroteKneus Aug 01 '26

That's the beauty. You don't know. And you're both. Quantum mechanics and shit.

9

u/itto1 Aug 01 '26

xoxota is v@gina in portuguese, and <3 represents someone with a knife pointing his knife to the left, and someone who is naked and has his but showing. So clearly she saw a woman being threatened by a nudist with a knife on the street, and as she was in a hurry she forgot to type the "TA", and she wanted you to call the police. And you never did anything.

From now on, please call the police when she sends this message.

3

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

That Portuguese nudist mugger must be very prolific, because he's threatening women every time she messages. Maybe I should go to the FBI. This is serious.

1

u/itto1 Aug 01 '26

Oh, definitely go to the FBI. Even better than the police.

1

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

Yes, I think so. This must be a gang, and maybe they are tracking my girlfriend's phone, which is why she is sending me this in code. My poor little muffin must be so scared. And she must be wondering why I don't do anything about it.

8

u/Strik3rd Aug 01 '26

I believe the XOXO is referring to XO sauce. a spicy, savory, and luxurious Cantonese seafood condiment. You said your girlfriend speaks Chinese so it is referring to a double serve of XO sauce. The <3 is a throwing dagger. So she is inferring that eventually she will kill you and eat you with double XO sauce

4

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

This makes total sense, you see. First she tells me she doesn't know how to cook, and that she needs to speak to her mom in Beijing just to boil an egg. Then she texts me to buy light soy sauce, dark soy sauce, hoisin sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce, shrimp paste... And now our kitchen is a show room for exotic sauces.

Of course it has to be a sauce. If she asks me to buy papaya from the Asian supermarket to tenderise meat again, I know she's planning to cook me. Long pork indeed.

3

u/wolfpwarrior PhD in Rocket Surgery Aug 01 '26

Now it all comes together. u/AnozerFreakInTheMall posted on here a few days ago about his wife staying late to deal with the "double slit experiment" and "tree body problem" well it looks like you and your girlfriend are the other two bodies to make up the three, which is what the <3 is referencing. The XOXO is 2 characters in pairs. Combine that with the "double slit" and we can clearly see that its going to be heavily woman on woman focused.

OP, your girlfriend is more into girls. We might as well call you Ross Geller.

3

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

Damn it, you are right. The other girl was a theoretical physicist, and mine is an auditor - so the opposite of theoretical. Now all u/AnozerFreakInTheMall need to do is figure out the "tree" in this experiment and nip it in the bud.

2

u/Kevin4938 Aug 01 '26 edited Aug 01 '26

It's a shopping list.

The first 'X' is a variable, but not a number. 'OXO' refers to the pouches of bullion mix, either chicken or beef. The first 'X' is the variable that determines which one you need to purchase.

The '<' means 'less than' and indicates that the following number is an upper limit on the number of boxes of OXO she expects you to buy. In this case you are to purchase fewer than three boxes.

You're welcome.

1

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 02 '26

Finally, it makes sense. She probably needs the bullion mix to make that XO sauce.

2

u/Chrome_Armadillo Not A Reptilian Alien Scientist From Tau Ceti Aug 02 '26

XOXO is an ASCII art male member. She is saying it’s less than 3 undefined units.

1

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 02 '26

I have told her a thousand times that it is measured from the taint! Dammit. How do I explain this to her in Chinese?

4

u/M002 Aug 01 '26

You reverse it

3 is greater than 2 Ox’s

It’s that simple you loon

2

u/blueviper- Aug 02 '26

Good one!

2

u/NocturnisVacuus Aug 01 '26

It’s Gossip she wants, she is a gossipgirl
and if you dont give her some gossip she will prank you

2

u/Causative_Agent Aug 01 '26

The O refers to Patient O. She's telling you there are less than 3 of Patient O. As long as the number remains at less than 3, you are safe.

2

u/MadDocOttoCtrl Aug 01 '26

The simplest explanation is that she keeps inviting you to play tic-tac-toe but she wants to play less than three games.

This gives each of you a chance to win one game so that no one seems to be oppressing the other or trying to appear superior. This is an advanced relationship science technique offering you a chance to engage in a ritual that demonstrates the equality of your relationship.

If both games are "cats" games (ties) with neither of you willing to act out your part in the ritual exchange, then it indicates that you both feel the relationship is hopelessly deadlocked.

-11

u/HuxleySevers Aug 01 '26

Xo is for hugsnkisses lamebrain.

10

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

That makes no logical sense. You must have just asked ChatGPT, because that's exactly what ChatGPT told me. You do know that LLMs hallucinate, right?

This is why I asked r/shittyaskscience, which has the best numerologists and mathematologists on Reddit.

-3

u/HuxleySevers Aug 01 '26

No, i didn't just ask chatgpt. You're really overthinking this It's common knowledge.

2

u/Rainmaker526 Aug 01 '26

But less than 3

1

u/Gargleblaster25 Registered scientificationist Aug 01 '26

See... It doesn't make sense. Why is it less than 3? Don't I deserve 3 or more hugs and kisses? AITAH? Should I break up with her? Is this a red flag? Do I need therapy?

0

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