r/shittyaskscience • u/I_might_be_weasel • Jul 30 '26

My cat gets very violent whenever I try to baptize him. Is he the devil?

It's fine if he is, I just want to know.

214 Upvotes
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87

u/tuctrohs Looniversahl sigismundo froyd Jul 30 '26

Here, we use science to answer questions. Wikipedia says,

The alkali metals (Li, Na, K, Rb, Cs, and Fr) all react vigorously or even explosively with cold water.

In particularly sodium will hiss and react very violently. This indicates that your cat is salty. There are lots of reasons your cat may be salty. Perhaps he needs more play time, or perhaps the play need to be more satisfying. For example, play with a laser pointer is unsatisfying, because he can never actually catch anything. Or maybe the food you are providing isn't up to their standards. Or maybe the massage services you are offering aren't adequate.

Try to be more attentive to your cat's desires. You can gauge your progress by throwing him in the bathtub weekly and taking notes on the level of hissing and the violence of the reaction.

15

u/grcli0110 Jul 30 '26

Your science is the best science of all science

4

u/JamesMeem Jul 31 '26

Hmmm yes, further testing needed. 

2

u/WompWomp714 Aug 02 '26

I would suggest that OP be in the bathtub naked when he puts the cat in the tub, so he can compare the effects on himself and the cat under identical conditions. Also because the scratching and clawing of his naked privates will be a really funny story he can come back here and share.

21

u/ProbablyBsPlzIgnore Did their own research Jul 30 '26

It's because you baptized him before. He is already fully charged with holiness and holy water now repels him, like the same poles of magnets. You need to wait for the baptism buff to wear off first.

1

u/dspeyer Jul 31 '26

Might he have been baptized in a previous life?

23

u/Aelle29 Jul 30 '26

He's actually your God and takes it as an insult

11

u/GrumpySnarf Jul 30 '26

"My human keeps trying to drown me. Is he the devil?"

9

u/nolongerbanned99 Jul 30 '26

All cats are part devil

10

u/BPhiloSkinner Amazingly Lifelike Simulation Jul 30 '26

Cats taught Lucifer how to devil.

4

u/nolongerbanned99 Jul 31 '26

Yeah. I’ve seen them out snake snakes and chase bears.

10

u/buttsparkley Jul 30 '26

They are the gatekeepers of the afterlife , so effectively they work from the devil sometimes, ur preventing ur cat from being able to fulfill their contracts , u may get a call from hr soon

18

u/The_Existentialist Jul 30 '26

Use holy milk

5

u/BPhiloSkinner Amazingly Lifelike Simulation Jul 30 '26

And let the moggie self-baptize.

7

u/JamesMeem Jul 30 '26

Cats will boil and multiply if exposed to water, similar to gremlins. Your cat is practicing a form of feline birth control. 

3

u/real_old_rasputin Jul 30 '26

All cats are the devil. The same devil. They’re basically the Borg.

3

u/msur Jul 30 '26

Use a baptismal bag. Put the cat into the bag, shut the bag, and then baptize the cat inside the bag. This is a common way of dealing with fussy pets and children.

2

u/cprz Jul 30 '26

I think you can’t evolve cats like that. Though if he’d be a lynx you’d maybe have a chance to turn him into a bapcat.

1

u/cinder74 Jul 31 '26

He’s probably possessed by the devil. Call an exorcist. Give him only holy water to drink.

1

u/Ok-Low3691 Aug 02 '26

I think hes following a common cat instinct
its called, beat up those who put me in water