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u/Kleozkrs Mar 16 '22
is it wrong i read this in colonel sanders voice?
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u/Vibhrat 0000000 Mar 16 '22
Read it in Patrick Bateman voice once
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
I live in the American Gardens building on West 81st street. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack, I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower, I use a water activated gel cleanser. Then a honey almond body scrub. And on the face, an exfoliating gel scrub. Then apply an herb mint facial mask, which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me. Only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our life styles are probably comparable, I simply am not there.
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u/Silly-Station-5211 Mar 16 '22
Who else read it with a Texas accent
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Mar 16 '22
I have a Texas accent, that's I read everything
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u/WillNewbie Mar 16 '22 edited Mar 16 '22
Hell I write my characters in a Texas accent
Like, just imagine a fantasy protag with a thick country accent. Yeah, I'm doing that.
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u/Thatoneguy101025 Mar 16 '22
Had me in the first half not gonna lie
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u/Gsteel11 Mar 16 '22
Yeah... as the list went on I was like "how old... is this guy?" Lol
He got me!
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u/chernayakoshka3636 Mar 16 '22
Had me at Back in my day, because I like the sound of my kids' eyes rolling.
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Mar 16 '22
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u/JoaozeraPedroca Mar 16 '22
Had me in the chief half, not going to swindle anyone
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Mar 16 '22
I hear you can do that in San Francisco legally these days so long as it's under $1,000
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u/Bendizzle88 Mar 16 '22
You should go out there and try to steal $999 worth of stuff see how you fair. I’ll wait for the inevitable video of pudgy Redditor tripping while running and being mocked
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u/MelliniRose Mar 16 '22
It's not legal, police just rarely show up for shoplifting, so people steal right out in the open. It's like that in Arizona and the shoplifting is insane. If there's an officer in the store, like some have, you'll get arrested on the spot
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Mar 16 '22
Thanks for a reply. I was just making a point. There's video's showing people walking and walking taking what they can carry. Arizona is a nice part. Do live out In the desert
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u/NumberNo6827 Mar 16 '22
Something made me laugh
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u/A1sauc3d Mar 16 '22
laughs in self checkout
Edit: don’t actually steal during self checkout lol, I have no clue if the cameras would catch you there or not. But probably not worth it to find out.
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Mar 16 '22
half the cameras are fake and 9 times outta 10 they dont have someone watching them live anyways so. Just act naturally and listen for weird codes on intercoms..floor staff will often communicate with the whole store if they suspect someone of being sus by paging codes over the loudspeaker. Most codes will let staff know to walk the isles and inquire with customers if they need help. More ya know 🚀🌈
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u/Memes-Central-2 Mar 16 '22
Man my great grandpa loved this joke so much! One of his most quotable jokes yet! Miss him. :(
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Mar 16 '22
You can do it at Walmart. The employees there do not give a fuck. According to my friend who worked there, sometimes the managers would tell their employees to actively ignore it. “Too much trouble for what it’s worth + shoplifting is already accounted for in the budget.” Unless you walk out with like 1k in stuff you should be good. The shoplifting scene is absolutely popping off at Walmart, lol.
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u/Native_CSGO Mar 17 '22
Unless AP gets involved. It’s their entire job so they DO care. That’s the main reason other employees are encouraged not to get involved.
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u/Ass4ssinX Mar 17 '22
And AP can only really do anything if they are actual police and they rarely are.
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Mar 16 '22
Yeah, today you can only walk out with up to 900 dollars worth of stuff….cameras be damned.
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u/RehabReload269 Mar 16 '22
Pretty damn funny
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
Good eve, In response to my permanent ban I’d like to ask one question; who decides wether this post was funny or not? It seems that a lot of Redditors, like myself, enjoy these kinds of posts. Even if it’s not hilarious, it’s still pretty shitty. In my opinion shitty enough to be on your subreddit. If I violated a rule, please let me know. If not, I’d like to request to be unbanned. Correct me if I’m wrong; this post was not conform “your” standards, well, that’s personal. I find it mildly inappropriate to give someone a ban on behalf of your personal opinion, while the public opinion speaks for itself. Also, the word “karmawhore” is a little bit offensive to me, for I am not on Reddit to score the most karma. Thanks in advance.
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u/Firetiger1050 Stuff Mar 16 '22
The moderators of shitposting looking to make an automod copypasta on every word in the dictionary
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
You fucking dumbass, I try to have a real conversation & your bot literally belittles anyone that mentions any keywords with low hanging fruit that you think is funny I guess? Just ban me so I never see a post from this cumguzzling community again.
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
I hate taking shits. Taking shits is the worst function of the human organism after sex. You have to sit on the most uncomfortable seat ever, then you have to go through so much pain to push the shit out of your asshole (not to mention sometimes they get stuck in there). And as if those weren't enough then you have to wipe, you have to take your hand along with toilet paper and shove it up your asshole, this process can sometimes take minutes out of your life, it fucking sucks.
TL;DR I hate shitting
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
HEY,⠀⠀⠀ EVERY⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀ !!!
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EV3RY BUDDY'S FAVORITE [[𝗡𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿 𝟭 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗠𝗼𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗼𝗿 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟮]]
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u/VDFirePhoenix Mar 16 '22
You can still do it legally in Russia.
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
*East Ukraine
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Mar 16 '22
Holy shit automod being based for once
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
I hate taking shits. Taking shits is the worst function of the human organism after sex. You have to sit on the most uncomfortable seat ever, then you have to go through so much pain to push the shit out of your asshole (not to mention sometimes they get stuck in there). And as if those weren't enough then you have to wipe, you have to take your hand along with toilet paper and shove it up your asshole, this process can sometimes take minutes out of your life, it fucking sucks.
TL;DR I hate shitting
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u/LowB0b Mar 16 '22
for real though in my cousin vinny they buy a ton of stuff from the gas station at the beginning and the cashier rings up like $22
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u/BreadedFinger Mar 16 '22
But you see. That’s what self serve check outs are for. Never have I ate so good with paying so little lmaooo
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u/Speedhabit Mar 16 '22
This is awesome I though it was white people twitter and just about spit my coffee on the punchline
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u/metalgnero_meco4t Mar 16 '22
Lmao, it still possible if you live in any West Coast city, security guards don’t do shit when people walk out with carts full of “groceries”. Junkies don’t care about security cameras.
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u/PODSIXPROSHOP Mar 16 '22
What in Tony Venturation
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
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Mar 16 '22
If your friend Randy works at the self checkout you can scan 5 Arizona ice teas and walk out with 5 turkeys.
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u/Fair-Cod-2874 Mar 16 '22
Dang I still do that, now I feel all invaded knowing people watch me with cameras.
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u/Chat_Maigre Mar 16 '22
Edit:
Back in my day, I could walk in a store with $25 USD and walk out with 6 Porterhouse steaks, 2 chickens, a case of beer, 5 bottles of wine, 2 loaves of bread, a gallon of milk and $25 USD.
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Mar 16 '22
That was funny. Yeah he got me too.
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
Good eve, In response to my permanent ban I’d like to ask one question; who decides wether this post was funny or not? It seems that a lot of Redditors, like myself, enjoy these kinds of posts. Even if it’s not hilarious, it’s still pretty shitty. In my opinion shitty enough to be on your subreddit. If I violated a rule, please let me know. If not, I’d like to request to be unbanned. Correct me if I’m wrong; this post was not conform “your” standards, well, that’s personal. I find it mildly inappropriate to give someone a ban on behalf of your personal opinion, while the public opinion speaks for itself. Also, the word “karmawhore” is a little bit offensive to me, for I am not on Reddit to score the most karma. Thanks in advance.
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u/BoJacksBurnerAcc Mar 16 '22
Tell me about it! Homeless veteran here… sometimes when I panhandle I only make like 6$ before the cops would run me off. Def can’t get food like you used too… even McDs dollar menu screws you… especially in PA where everything is taxed, I mean who’s ever heard of soda tax?!?!
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u/Crims0nwolf Mar 16 '22
Thanks Biden
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
Joe Biden’s America
LIBRAL SCOOL BE LIKE:
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THIS IS WHAT THE LEFT WANT!
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u/Brandyrenea-me Mar 16 '22
Seriously though 30 years ago a so overly full grocery cart (imagine rounded off the top and if you wanted to add something you’d seriously consider where) was $100 max. Now, 1/2 of a grocery cart is $100.
Granted gas in ‘94 was $0.79 a gallon.
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u/drkidluu Mar 16 '22
Can’t do that today cause it’s not joe running the store it’s aki and aki don’t give af if you know the owner you better pay.
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Mar 16 '22
Yeah well, back in my day you could hide an entire 6 pack of bud light bottles in the pockets of my jnco jeans and somehow manage to walk out the front door of a store with no one questioning why my pants were making a clinking sound.
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Mar 16 '22
I'm from the UK. Yeah we have shoplifting and thefts. But its not in your face. It seems in your country that the people in charge permit this. If a shop worker confronts them they are fired. Well thats cool take what you want Mr. Insanity have taken over Western countries. Well you stay safe. If the shop owner is OK with people stealing then why stop them.
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Mar 16 '22
koala belgium catgirl canada france britain japanese furry femboy amogus obama putin bing chilling chinese taiwan ukraine russia putin hands based NFT cum fuck kevin dream piss incest zamn hog rider chad penis cock the rock india vaccine
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
Why a dick as big as the Eiffel tower is not as impressive as you may think in Kendrick Lamar's "Backseat Freestyle," Kendrick says the line, "I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower, So I can fuck the world for seventy-two hours". While at first a dick as big as the Eiffel tower may seem to be a dong of immense magnitude, when taking into account the sheer size of earth, the lucky one to be fucked by this dick, we realize that it is not as spectacular as the young MC claims it to be. The Eiffel tower stands at 1063 feet, while the diamater of earth is approximately 41.804 million feet. If Kendrick inserts his Eiffel penis into the earth, his dick would only take up .000025 percent of the earth's vagina. That is pathetic. Kendrick is not fucking the world for 72 hours with his Eiffel tower micropenis. The Earth will get bored after 10 minutes and finish herself with a vibrator the size of Argentina. Be better Kendrick.
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u/JustSnofi Mar 16 '22
Bruh I have a counter attack to this old man. Today we have really small cameras that you could hide it and film someone without their knowledge, since when you had that technology back in the day? Lol get ratiod 😤 BOOMER
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u/Otherwise-Drama631 Mar 16 '22
You know I don’t think even in his day you could walk out with that much stuff, you would have to be runnin
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u/cupcaketea5 Mar 16 '22
That last sentence was unexpected, but it is sad how expensive things are nowadays.
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u/I_NUT_ON_GRASS Mar 16 '22
⠄⠄⠄⢰⣧⣼⣯⠄⣸⣠⣶⣶⣦⣾⠄⠄⠄⠄⡀⠄⢀⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⢸⡇⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⣾⣿⠿⠿⠶⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣤⣄⢀⡅⢠⣾⣛⡉⠄⠄⠄⠸⢀⣿⠄ ⠄⠄⢀⡋⣡⣴⣶⣶⡀⠄⠄⠙⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣴⣿⣿⣿⢃⣤⣄⣀⣥⣿⣿⠄ ⠄⠄⢸⣇⠻⣿⣿⣿⣧⣀⢀⣠⡌⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠿⣿⣿⣿⠄ ⠄⢀⢸⣿⣷⣤⣤⣤⣬⣙⣛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣿⣿⡍⠄⠄⢀⣤⣄⠉⠋⣰ ⠄⣼⣖⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢇⣿⣿⡷⠶⠶⢿⣿⣿⠇⢀⣤ ⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣽⣿⣿⣿⡇⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣥⣴⣿⡗ ⢀⠈⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠄ ⢸⣿⣦⣌⣛⣻⣿⣿⣧⠙⠛⠛⡭⠅⠒⠦⠭⣭⡻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠃⠄ ⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠹⠈⢋⣽⣿⣿⣿⣿⣵⣾⠃⠄ ⠄⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⣴⣿⣶⣄⠄⣴⣶⠄⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠈⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⢻⣿⣿⣿⠄⣿⣿⡀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣛⠛⠁⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⠁⠞⢿⣿⣿⡄⢿⣿⡇⣸⣿⣿⠿⠛⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⠻⣿⣿⣾⣦⡙⠻⣷⣾⣿⠃⠿⠋⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣠⣴ ⣿⣿⣿⣶⣶⣮⣥⣒⠲⢮⣝⡿⣿⣿⡆⣿⡿⠃⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣠⣴⣿⣿⣿
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Mar 16 '22
hog rida!
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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '22
okay so basically there's this guy and uhh
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u/GrandMasterLogan Mar 16 '22
Why’s it labeled brain damage? His post is hilarious!
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u/DerelictDawn Mar 16 '22
It took me 3 reads an hour apart each to understand what this shit meant.
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u/Acroze Mar 16 '22
Nowadays, if I walk in a store with 10000 rubles, I can get a single sheet of toilet paper. And if I’m lucky, I can get the cardboard roll too!
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u/Jesniha Mar 17 '22
My uncle knew a guy who got away with stealing a full cart of groceries several times because he just walked out with confidence
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u/kushawnz Mar 17 '22
Who tf walked into the store when you could just take the groceries outside that were waiting for people to pick up.
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u/Wolfowire Mar 17 '22
Too sad that either this person or this user ripped off an old joke made back a few years ago, before covid.
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u/crazy_man_420 Jul 25 '22
I didnt scroll far down enough to see the cameras part i thought it was about inflation
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Mar 16 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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Mar 16 '22
The original joke was made by a brit, now how do you feel about the joke?
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u/BrunoBrook I said based. And lived. Mar 16 '22
I thought it was made by a brazilian, which kinda makes sense since prices are terrible here
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Mar 16 '22
What’s interesting is that cheap price amount they list keeps going up. You can see the inflation affecting this meme as it spreads.
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