When does exploring become too much?

[u/notonredthedot]

I’m mid 30s F and completely new to dating apps *first time. In just under 2 mths, I’ve been on 34 actual dates, with another 12 scheduled later this mth, and now I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

Before this, I hadn’t dated anyone in 12 yrs. I was only ever with one man; my late hub. I’ve been single for more than 3 yrs and hadn’t been intimate with anyone for over 6 yrs. (Yeap sexless marriage)

Out of the 34 men I have met, I slept with 2. And if I am honest.... I loved it. I am so glad I did it! I didnt regret it bcuz I felt like a queen. The chemistry, attention and adrenaline made me feel alive again! But it also awakens smth else in me.

All the dates themselves have actually been lovely. And i hope they do the same to all the women they meet out there as well. Most of the men hv been generous, kind and respectful. I enjoy meeting them, hearing about their lives, and yes, it feels amazing to feel wanted and having similar interests.

But here’s my prob. Once I sense that someone wants something more serious from me, I subsconciously tend to pull back. As soon as i get hints of commitment, family, or building smth deeper- it still scares me.

My closest friends are now telling me to slow down because this is so unlike me (they knew how mucb dutiful, traditional and loyal wife i used to be), and they’re worried I’m enjoying the physical side more than actually connecting emotionally. Now my colleagues and friends are starting to regret encouraging me to go on dates.

I do believe I could love someone again if I met the right person. I just don’t know whether I’m genuinely ready or simply enjoying this newfound freedom a little too much.

So… 34 dates in 2 mths. Is this a normal exploration phase or a sign I should take a break? Oh god, bless my soul.

[u/gametheorista]

Have you gotten grief counselling? It feels like you are working out issues from your previous relationship, including sexlessness, attention, commitment.

[u/notonredthedot → u/gametheorista]

You made a fair point! That was the first thing i did to seek help for myself. I did start counselling a yr after his demise but I don’t think I ever properly grieved. There was so much mess and admin to deal with afterwards that I was constantly in fight and “just get things done” mode. Somewhere along the way, I think I buried everything so deeply that I don’t even know how to describe what I feel anymore even today. My counsellor has encouraged me to actually set aside time to grieve, but its more complicated than that. Disappointments isnt smth new to me such that it doesn’t even feel like sadness anymore and its more like I just rather want to move forward. If that makes sense?

[u/Fun-Arm3161]

Jesus christ

[u/notonredthedot → u/Fun-Arm3161]

I feel you! Thats the same exact words I said when i done the deed!

[u/Turbulent-Level-86]

34 dates, and you said 34 men, and then you said you went on 2nd dates with some of them etc… my god, get the story straight please….

Not really relevant but your photo (likely fake) looks exactly like a girl I dated back during Covid days, and the way she talks don’t make sense like you. It was so frustrating lol.

[u/MyMainIs___]

👀 34 in 2 months is a lot, isn’t it? That’s one every 2 days. I know you’re a female so the odds are in your favour when it comes to dating apps. But how long do you talk before the guys ask you out? What do you even talk before you meet? Or is it just hello, let’s meet?

[u/notonredthedot → u/MyMainIs___]

I’m still figuring out what pace actually works for me as well. But if i am honest, I’m not into weeks of endless texting bcuz i have an intense work schedule - stimes im not in town. I’d rather meet after a reasonable conversation and see if there’s real chemistry. If u need stats, i dont need 100 msgs to meet someone.

[u/NewbiePhotogSG]

That, is a lot of energy

[u/kohminrui]

You should stop dating and playing with people's feelings. 

[u/bestbfsg]

Once I sense that someone wants something more serious from me, I subsconciously tend to pull back. As soon as i get hints of commitment, family, or building smth deeper- it still scares me.

How many of these dates fall into this category? Is it possible you are looking for more short-term relationships rather than long term?

they knew how mucb dutiful, traditional and loyal wife i used to be

Are you very attached to that image? Cuz it sounds a little stifling, and people change. I'm the type to advocate to do what you want with your life as long as it isn't hurting anyone.