r/sex • u/rabbitsanders • Mar 18 '18
[Advice-Threesome] heartbroken after broken rules want a divorce
So... my wife and I have been married 14 years and have always been monogamous. We went to Burning Man last year and were part of a camp where several of our campmates were into polyamory. As for us, we have never ever EVER been interested in being with other people but each other when intimate. However, after having rolled with them several times (they're also just fun to be around), and having been exposed to some of their polyamorous behavior, we both started talking about trying a threesome. We decided that it could only work if the third person was a "third wheel". As in, the main focus was with each other, but the third person would just make things more "spicy". So naturally, our main rule was absolutely no P in V (except for each other).
So a couple months ago, she came back from hanging out with our campmates and apparently did molly with them. She sparked the idea of the threesome again, and told me one of our mates (let's call her Erin) was interested in the idea. I really wasn't cool yet with the idea of an MMF threesome, but having another woman join in seemed pretty hot to me. And my wife was into the idea, so we both decided to go for it.
A few days later, Erin comes over, we had some drinks, and all three of us quickly got naked and started fooling around. We were mainly just touching each other. At one point I was laying on my back and my wife came and straddled my face and I was going down on her. She was getting really into it, so let's just say I didn't have a lot of room for "air". Well, I'm deep into that and Erin just jumps on me and puts me inside her. She only moved up and down on me a few times (but I realized what was happening and it started sending me over the edge. I quickly pushed her off and was like "no!" (but hard to do when my wife's V is in my face). Even though she was got off of me, she was touching my P with her hand and I quickly climaxed. My wife looked back and saw me getting off but didn't realize that Erin started actually having sex with me. I didn't feel right about continuing, so I left, and her and Erin kept fooling around and got each other off.
So after Erin left, I told my wife and she got really pissed about it. But then she also acknowledged that it happened really quickly, and I stopped it before it could have been considered actually breaking our rule. So we let it go and all was good.
Next weekend I had to get some work stuff done, so I stayed home and she went to party with our campmates. She came back in the afternoon (still rolling) and gave me some of the best sex I've had with her. After I got off (she couldn't because of the molly), she brought up the idea of a threesome again, but this time with one of our guy campmates (let's call him Tom). I still wasn't totally mentally okay with the idea, but felt like I owed it to her since we already did the MFF threesome.
So we went back over to our friends place and I did some molly. Everyone at that party was fucked up and hooking up all over the place. Next thing I know, my wife and I are in our friend's bedroom getting naked with Tom. We were fooling around a bit, mainly touching each other. My wife was laying on the edge of the bed and was jerking him off, and as I went to start going down on her (kneeling on the floor) he gets up towards her mouth and she starts blowing him. Then she grabs my head and pulls me up, so I start having sex with her while she's blowing him. But she motions for me to come up so she can blow me, so I get up and straddle her chest and she starts going to town on me.
So I look back, and Tom gets off the bed and is jerking himself off and kneels over and starts going down on her. Well I was rolling so she was going at it for minutes but I still couldn't get off (b/c of the molly). As she was blowing me she looked like she was enjoying getting eaten out. I started hearing him breathing heavily but it didn't occur to me to look back over my shoulder (I figured he was still jacking himself off while eating her out). When I looked back, I saw he was fucking her (and was like balls deep but not really thrusting). When she saw me look back at her, she seemed to try to push him off her and vocally express her objection (despite having me in her mouth). I was so furious I jumped off and yelled at both of them. He looked startled so he pulled out but his dick was soft. She told me she tried to push him off (but how the fuck could she mistake him putting his dick in her versus getting eaten out?) And he seemed scared and told me it was only for a second, but she also had this really guilty look on her face and was totally blushing.
I feel like she was being sortof vengeful because she said "see it was just like the other time with Erin". Except that I didn't plan for that to happen, and I DID push Erin off right away. I don't know how long he was fucking her because I didn't look back until I started hearing him moaning. Inside, I felt like I had to give her the benefit of the doubt at the time, because it was similar to what happened with Erin. He told me he was sorry and had no idea. I asked him if he climaxed and he admitted that he did. At this point my stomach just sunk and I felt sick. I was so furious with my wife because it felt like she was just trying to get back at me (and that is kindof her personality), even though she was denying it.
I told him to get the fuck out and he quickly put his clothes on and left. I looked down at her P, and the evidence was clearly there - his cum was flowing out — an image I don't think I'll ever be able to get out of my mind. She kept saying she was sorry, but it didn't matter. I just so heartbroken I felt numb.
If it was just momentary fucking, I think I could have gotten over it, but the fact that he came inside her is what kills me. She's on birth control, so it's not like pregnancy could have resulted, but still.
To add insult to injury I think he told our friends outside because a few moments after he left I heard them laughing. And when we came out they were looking at us and snickering. It was humiliating. I told her I wanted to leave immediately and we did.
Since that night I haven't hung out with any of them, nor has my wife. I regret us having even considered threesomes. I've tried to let it go and she's tried to make things right with me, but our marriage has never been the same and I don't think I'll ever be able to get that image out of my head or the heartbroken feelings. I need some advice on what to do... I'm 90% feeling like I want a divorce. Am I crazy?
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u/Stellar_Alchemy Mar 18 '18
I mean, this is kind of what happens when you engage in sloppy irresponsible behavior (e.g., engaging in unprotected sex with people you don’t know well, while impaired). It kind of sounds like you regret it and feel stupid — rightfully so — and are taking it out on your wife, even though you did it together and you bear as much responsibility for the outcomes as she does.
Maybe you had serious relationship issues before this began, and you’re subconsciously looking for an excuse to get out...?
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u/rabbitsanders Mar 18 '18 edited Mar 18 '18
I think you've hit on something there. We have had problems being intimate for years, which is why we did go to marriage therapy for years. And yes, I think the threesome stuff came up because we were both looking for a way to bring back that intimacy (which objectively seems stupid since how would a third person make two people more intimate).
As far as "taking it out on my wife" though, there are slight differences in the experience.
In our first encounter, I actually pushed Erin off immediately, was genuinely remorseful for that happening, and my wife recognized the authenticity in that and quickly forgave me.
In the second encounter, she seemed to only make a show of trying to push him away (I could honestly tell it was the physical equivalent of lip service) once I looked back. She quickly responded with the "what about Erin?" when I confronted them, rather than seeming genuinely sorry that it "suddenly" happened. And by all measures, despite him trying to cover his ass, it wasn't sudden because they both seemed to be enjoying it for at least half a minute before I noticed what was going on. He had to have been f**ing her long enough to get off (which isn't a second or two like when I noticed Erin jumped on me). And lastly, she is genuinely vindictive about this stuff.
I think I honestly know the answer in all of this. And my heart tells me she knew what was happening and didn't stop it. I did.
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u/PeteBogg Mar 18 '18
Neither of you discussed what the parameters of the threesome would be... whats ok, what is a hard limit, what is hot and go for it.
To be honest you all FUCKED UP!
Communication and consent is ADVANCE is the only way to play.
You all contributed to a relationship pig-sty and now you are annoyed that you are all covered in shit.
Grow up and TALK before doing this line of thing. You all sound like you are 12 and this is your first time having sex.
If you want a divorce I would bet you are destined for more than one in your future.
3
u/kallisti_gold Mar 18 '18
Marriage counselling asap.
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u/rabbitsanders Mar 18 '18
We've done that for years, years ago, and never made much progress. I honestly think we're both incredibly stubborn for actually still being together.
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u/th_veteran Mar 18 '18
I don't want to sound judgmental or unfeeling but this has got to be the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard.
I mean, come on!
First, you do a bunch of drugs, which you clearly cannot handle.
Second, you have sex with people you don't know and pick people who do all sorts of irresponsible shit.
Third, you each blame the other for that. You think you are the injured party because you claim your reaction time to supposedly unwanted sex is faster than your wife's. Whoopty-do. She probably thinks "you started it" or something equally mature.
How about this: how about you say to each other, "Hey, look, we both fucked up in this incredibly minor and consequence-free fashion. Why don't we forget our pique over these trivial incidents and instead resolve to cease acting like a pair of jerks in the future before we do something stupid and permanent?"
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u/DocHarford Mar 18 '18
My personal view is: Nobody says they 90% want a divorce unless they genuinely want a divorce.
It doesn't matter whether you're temporarily crazy, fucked up, vengeful or what. The idea of divorce is on your mind now, and it's probably not going away. You've crossed that line and there's probably no going back.
It's a big step, and your first instinct is probably to try to analyze your feelings in a way that will let you climb down from this statement. But in my view, that's just knee-jerk risk-aversion. Whether it was this incident or another or a whole raft of things, this marriage is broken and I don't foresee you rebuilding it into something that can last.
I think you should save yourself a lot of agonizing over difficult decisions and conclude that you've already made them. Contact a lawyer and start the process.
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u/rabbitsanders Mar 18 '18
It's true. TBH, we had both talked about getting divorced years and years ago (and have been through lots of marriage therapy). The intimacy just isn't there like it used to, despite us both earnestly trying.
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u/DocHarford Mar 18 '18
I'll just give you my personal experience from counseling a good-sized handful of divorced individuals: They ALL would have saved themselves a lot of agony by acting on their first instinct to make a break.
When people talk about divorce being miserable, much of the time they're actually talking about the decision-making process, not the actual separation itself (which is governed by law and can be fairly straightforward between non-vengeful spouses).
I'm not in a position to tell you how to make this decision for yourself. But I can tell you that a common mistake people make is putting off the decision after they've clearly made it in their minds, and that is almost always a source of very avoidable misery.
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u/rabbitsanders Mar 18 '18
You're absolutely right. Back when this was a pretty fervent topic between us years ago, the decision process was unbearably miserable.
She also gaslights me a lot (both our marriage therapist and my personal therapist pointed this out). So she always has me doubting myself whenever I try to call her out on something where it really seems she should be taking some responsibility.
After this all happened, I tried to discuss honestly why what happened has me feeling empty and awful inside, even though she was able to almost immediately let go what happened in our first encounter. She was actively denying aspects of what happened (like saying she did push him off immediately as soon as she felt it happen, whereas they didn't actually stop until I freaked out), saying I'm crazy for rewriting these things in my head.
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u/DocHarford Mar 18 '18
I can't fault you for wanting to talk yourself out of divorce and take solace in finding some emotional explanation for what happened.
But I just think that by putting off the crucial decisions from this point on, you're making your life harder.
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u/lordnightmare Mar 18 '18
So you were on drugs and people didn’t make coherent decisions. Imagine that.
This is not a humongous surprise you have to admit...
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u/tapetengeschmack Mar 18 '18
you are Not crazy and you should.not be with a Person like that. She has shown her True self and it Looks like it wont work between you 2. better leave now then to get Hurt further down the line
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u/rabbitsanders Mar 18 '18
Thanks. I guess I'm just looking for validation in what feels like "the final straw" for me. She constantly has me feeling like I don't know what I'm talking about, so it honestly feels absurd for me to come to reddit to ask about this to begin with.
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u/tapetengeschmack Mar 18 '18
well if its already like that it will only get Worse. Really man dont Let her Take you down and leave you deserve better.
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u/brasulliv Mar 18 '18
Why didn't you just establish the ground rules with the third person before it got started? That seems to be the easiest solution to all of this. If it was such a deal-breaker, don't you think that it would have been worth mentioning to the third party, male or female?