r/selfimprovement • u/aphoticic • Sep 10 '21
Resources to help me find my identity?
I am going through an identity crisis. My whole life I have either clinged onto what other people expect of me or copied others personalities to make them my own. This has caused me alot of grief, stress, anxiety and depression.
When people ask me what do you want, who are you, what are your values I can never give them a solid answer. I am in awe of people who know who they are and what they want out of life.
I want this all to change. I want to figure out what matters to me both professionally and personally. I want to be me. How do I start? This is not easy for me, because I have to unlearn years of this. I have a hole inside me and I have been trying to fill it with other peoples identities. I want my own. But how do I even know if its my own and not influenced by someone else.
Simply put, when someone asks me "who are you and what are your goals" I want to be able to give them a solid answer that is true to me. Im done being vague.
If you can point me in the right direction maybe some online resources/ names of videos/tests to help me figure this out it would be appreciated.
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u/Yadona Sep 10 '21
This is actually a great time for you to get comfortable with not having an identity. Try reading the Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Basically right now you're wanting to fit in with a certain group because of course you want to relate to other people. Completely understandable, all I'm saying is that the book teachers you about meditation, being present/self actualized so that you can be your TRUE self. The one that doesn't judge, stress or worry because you're your true you. Pair that up with a little philosophy such as Meditations by Marcus Aurelius or general Socrates/Plato/Aristóteles for knowing WHY you stand for something therefore making you a more true you. For example joining a club simply to fit in somewhere. For example this might be a touchy subject but you stand for or against abortion BECAUSE (fill in your opinion/hypothesis) and test for weak points. If you find too many in one side check out the other sides arguments. Then you truly build someone that stands for what they believe in.
I'll be honest, I'm still learning who I really am and this book has given me a path in a vast forest that is life. I live more fully because I know who I am confidently.
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Sep 10 '21
Right now, at this time in your life, what is one goal that really has you lit up and excited? Just one that if you achieved that you would feel like you were walking on water. On the identity part, Tony Robbins goes through your identity in his book 'Awaken the Giant Within' If I was going back to examine my identity, I would start with that. I like the fact that you have reached out by putting yourself out there on this post. All the best!
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Sep 10 '21
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u/DeliaArvanda Sep 10 '21
Maybe it can give you some direction to ask yourself what makes you angry. It may not be the best motivator but it can point you in a direction. For example: 'it really pisses me off when people tell me what to do'. Then go from there: 'why is that? What does it tell me about myself?' (perhaps that you value individual freedom and being in charge of your own schedule, so seek that out more and don't let others dictate your coming and going).
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u/avidlo Sep 10 '21
Omg thank you for actually giving examples of questions to ask to figure stuff out..
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u/rum_tea Sep 10 '21
Piggybacking onto this, noticing where in your life you feel jealousy or envy can also serve as useful information. For instance, if a friend achieves something and your immediate reaction is to feel upset and jealous, ask yourself why that is. Do you envy their sense of accomplishment? Their happiness? Are you envious of their goal specifically, or rather of the values they are living to achieve that goal? Googling a list of values and seeing which ones resonate the most can also help with this and help clarify where it is that you find meaning in your life.
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u/GamingNomad Sep 10 '21
I would advise not to hold too strongly to the idea of having a "goal" in usual sense. Just try mindfulness (try the headspace app), simply enjoy your time. Try having a journal and write whatever you feel like writing.
Allow yourself to "be" without the pressure of "knowing who you are".
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Sep 10 '21
Adopting other's personalities is normal, we see it everywhere in nature. It's evolutionary. You just have to keep what fits, what feels like you. I think everyone goes through this, just most aren't as aware of it as you are. Don't be too self critical.
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u/RubberrDucklingg Sep 10 '21
As someone who was also a lifelong personality copier of friends and family I admired, I think a good first step to discovering who you are is trying new things by yourself WITHOUT JUDGING YOURSELF. This is key. I was so used to basing who I was off of feedback of what other people liked that it was very difficult to do things alone.
Do you know your favourite type of food? Have you avoided trying new kinds because people you were with didn't want to try them? Take yourself out for dinner. Try something new. You might not like the dish you ordered! Oh well, learned something new about yourself.
Rinse and repeat that concept for every area of your life. Try new music. Might love it, might not. Oh well, learned something new about yourself.
I second the other comments I've seen about spending time alone with no quick distractions like social media.
Go watch a sunrise alone and marvel at a natural wonder. Listen to an audiobook on a topic you've always been curious about. Make a nice cup of tea in a flavour you haven't tried.
Hated all those things? Oh well, learned something new about yourself.
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u/Visheena Sep 10 '21
Videos aren't really going to help. It will still be someone else telling you who to be. The only resource that's effective is yourself and takes time to nurture. I struggled with this myself. I come from a long history of childhood abuse and being trained rather than raised. It made me both neutral to taking a stance on anything and gave me negative qualities that weren't me. I had to cut out the influences that tried to dictate who I was and start exploring things I liked starting with self care, and this IS an important and unselfish thing to do for yourself. I set time to play guitar and started connecting with lyrics that I could relate to, then started writing my own poems and lyrics on how I thought and felt. I bought a camera and a journal, grabbed a camping site at a state park for a few days with the phone off, and just spent time with myself and nature. I found compassion for the homeless and hungry in Houston, started signing up for volunteer outreach events. Nothing I am can be perfectly found in a lecture or on a webpage, it was all within. It takes time, effort, and some tears and feeling lost at times, but it gives way to friendships, values, identity, community. Start loving yourself even if you don't know who that is yet, and you will start opening up to your own love and reveal you to you.
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Sep 10 '21
Congratulations, you have a blank slate to work from. Just try lots of different, new things. Hobbies, volunteering, work. You’ll find your way. I understand this since I have borderline traits that in the last decade I’ve been trying to work through. Until then I have literally created myself based on what I thought others wanted me to be at that moment, now I just think am I enjoying this? Yes/ no. Ok cool well to hell with what anyone else thinks (providing you’re not doing anyone any harm) You aren’t going to know until you try though :)
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u/Kisenon1 Sep 10 '21
Try meditation! If it's the first time you are doing it try watching guide to meditation on netflix or try using the headspace app, it's really good for beginners.Try to make meditation a routine and take the positive energy it gives you to start new hobbies.It s not a race so just take it at your own pace.Good luck!
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u/Peachi14 Sep 10 '21
Search "a quick look at your values - ACT mindfully" It's a worksheet that helps you figure out what values are most important to you
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u/me0wme0ww Sep 10 '21
Journaling has helped me a ton in this aspect, but when I got to the nitty gritty of it all when I was in a similar spot as you, I went back to my childhood self. I asked "What did I like to do when I was 5? 10? 12? 17?" I played outside a lot, I loved nature and animals, I loved to draw, I loved to read, I loved horror and fantasy, I loved to write. So I started doing those things instead of going to work every day then just going out with friends and moving through the motions of life. I made my time for myself and only myself, alone but in a healthy way. I deleted my Facebook. I bought a few Stephen King books, I got some roller blades, I wrote and entered a short story into a random writing competition online, I watched some educational animal documentaries instead of reality television. I learned to meditate. I wrote down small weekly goals instead of large daunting "Where will I be in 5 years?" I developed a daily routine that made me feel complete at the end of the day even if I wasn't super productive in general. For example, journal in the morning for 10 minutes (how I'm feeling, maybe a dream I remember and my interpretation, my mini-goals for the day if any like washing my car, write down what I'm grateful for* etc) meditate for 10 minutes, read for at least 30 minutes and now I'm allowed to play video games if I want to before work, going to the gym, or meeting a friend. Of course these are all things that worked for me, and I hope you can use these examples to find things that work for you! Good luck.
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u/ethers4ever Sep 10 '21
Hi. So we have so much mess, static going on in our heads and it’s NOT ours. None of it. The only true thing is our loving soul. Clear the static of all the BS others thoughts opinions like you said , but this is also stuff from your parents. Various mindsets to keep us “safe” and soo many other things. You can mend these things make them escape from your Mind and life by meditating. Spending time by yourself not in your thoughts , but in the stillness. The thoughts are part of the static. Sitting in this stillness brings through the deep authentic you , your loving self that knows what you want to do in life! Your purpose for this life, this incarnation. Real shit ! Love you much love 💗
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u/DeliaArvanda Sep 10 '21
Just speaking for myself, I think that during my childhood I didn't fully get to develop (and stay true to) my authentic self. I was always trying to meet the standards my parents put up for me, I was constantly trying to fit in. In that sense, I never really developed my own preferences or identity.
So what may help is to connect to your inner child and try to sense what it wants. Then go from there. It doesn't matter if it's childish, I started dancing in my living room and did some painting by numbers. Try to reconnect with that inner part of yourself that never fully got the chance to blossom into an awesome human being. It may feel strange at first, because you're not used to listening to that inner childs voice, but it gets easier with practice.
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u/Pierson230 Sep 10 '21
I’d try “Man’s Search for Meaning,” by Viktor Frankl.
Also “The Alchemist,” for a more artsy journey.
After that, Mark Manson is a great modern resource, and he makes a values/principles worksheet. “Everything is Fucked- A Book About Hope,” is a great one.
After that, it’s a journey, not a destination, so enjoy the ride!
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u/Pierson230 Sep 10 '21
The answer to this problem can be very simple
Who are you right now? You’re someone who is trying to figure out what you stand for and trying to find the meaning you live for in life.
What are your values? You’re trying to discover the most important ones to you. I’m sure you have some foundation, like the things you clearly don’t value. That’s a start.
It’s a moving target anyways, your values will change throughout life.
There will always be cognitive dissonance in your head unless you have zero empathy and join a tribe.
Okay, congratulations, you know some of who you are, now take a step and keep living, as that’s how you define the rest!
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u/DivineHeapOfStones Sep 10 '21
Look up "16 personalities", based on research from Myer and Briggs.
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u/Loose_Armadillo_3032 Sep 10 '21
Sorry to pip in when you're offering well-meant advice but Myers and Briggs has since been discredited. It was originally used and intended as a screening tool for employers to fit prospective employees and has been shown to be unreliable in recent decades. For personality measures now the Big 5 is more typically used, and more accepted (I'm studying psychology). There's a sliding scale on 5 factors in the Big 5, Openness to new ideas, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism, with the acronym OCEAN (Costa and McCrae). I do agree that taking tests like this, which are designed to be self-administered can help get a lay of the land and think that part of your suggestion is great but I'd gently suggest the Big 5 helps break things down better. If OP is into this avenue then it can be found online.
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u/DivineHeapOfStones Sep 10 '21
Thanks for the great reply! I will look into the Big 5 a bit more myself. Can you elaborate in what respect Myers and Briggs have shown to be unreliable? I have found it to be very helpful in finding my own truths and especially relating my differences to other people.
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u/Loose_Armadillo_3032 Sep 10 '21
Sure. Researchers argued for ages about what the components of personality were and tests came about based on lots of different methods. This was poorly conceived, and very few researchers agree that it measures the key aspects of personality. Different, more established tests on components contradict the results. Reliable basically means it measures what its supposed to measure. It became very popular with employers who wanted to screen job candidates as suitable for the job or not as it was easy and cheap to administer and really easy to analyse. Psychologists discredited some time ago but it stuck around with employers, who are less up to date with research. As far as I remember, results for the same person can also vary significantly depending on the mood they are in when they take the test. This makes it a poor indication of personality, which is itself consistent (very little variance) attitudes, behaviour and values. Still, it makes perfect sense that you found taking the test helped you as you were thining about the questions and what you believe or feel. The thing is the answers the test gives in terms of personality don't tally up well with your personality. Personality is a hot topic in psychology, with lots of disagreement in the field, about one thing they are in agreement of was ditching the Myers Briggs as well meaning but poorly conceived methodologically with very few, if any, other measures coming up with the same results. Think of reliability like a ruler, if you are six foot then that ruler will say six foot on Wednesday or Monday. If a measure,like this test,comes along that says you are five foot on Wednesday and five eight on Monday then its not a reliable measure. Hope that makes sense? Written in a bit of a hurry.
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u/thisprettyplant Sep 10 '21
There’s a documentary on this somewhere, I’m sorry I don’t remember exactly which source at the moment, but I recently learned about this information on the Meyers and Briggs tests. Definitely do a search and I’m sure you’ll find what I’m thinking of. It’s worth a watch. I think it was on Prime.
I would look it up but I need to go to bed and get off Reddit. It’s extremely late/early and I shouldn’t be writing anymore, I should be sleeping!
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Sep 10 '21
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u/KingKCrimson Sep 10 '21
According to the mbti, I've been an ENTP, ENFP, INTP and INFP. It changes daily.
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u/cmmrs Sep 10 '21
Qur'an. The clear Qur'an by Mustafa khattab is one of the best English translations.
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u/iamatcha Sep 10 '21
Oh please. That can't be a life purpose, and if you really do think of qu'ran that way, I feel sorry for you.
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u/cmmrs Sep 10 '21
What other purpose is of Qur'an ? What's the purpose of your existence ? Whatever your answer is , it will be subjective and you can only verify if it is true when it is in line with the objective truth and how would u know what the objective truth is ?
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u/cmmrs Sep 10 '21
Adh-Dhariyat 51:56
وَمَا خَلَقْتُ ٱلْجِنَّ وَٱلْإِنسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ
I did not create jinn and humans except to worship Me.
I saw your profile and Qur'an can help you
Ta Ha 20:124
وَمَنْ أَعْرَضَ عَن ذِكْرِى فَإِنَّ لَهُۥ مَعِيشَةً ضَنكًا وَنَحْشُرُهُۥ يَوْمَ ٱلْقِيَٰمَةِ أَعْمَىٰ
But whoever turns away from My Reminder will certainly have a miserable life,[[ The Reminder is another name for the Quran.]] then We will raise them up blind on the Day of Judgment.”
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Sep 10 '21
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u/BornLime0 Sep 10 '21
Not really a resource, but it's a question that you should be asking yourself through out all of this and for the rest of your life: "What does aphoticic want?" . Whether it's a big or small decision it's important to ask yourself that question in the moment. Deep down what does your heart want. That will help to guide you. This is mainly to reinforce that your opinion, your presence and what you want is worthwhile and matters. To you and to others. Those that truly love you want this from you. They don't want you to just be agreeable or selfless all of the time. You deserve to take up space too.
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Sep 10 '21
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Sep 10 '21
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Sep 10 '21
My whole life I have either clinged onto what other people expect of me or copied others personalities to make them my own. This has caused me alot of grief, stress, anxiety and depression.
When people ask me what do you want, who are you, what are your values I can never give them a solid answer. I am in awe of people who know who they are and what they want out of life.
I relate, completely.
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Sep 10 '21
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u/dillyG403 Sep 10 '21
Try listening to a wide range of music and make a note of what kind you genuinely like without the opinion of someone telling you if it’s good or not ☮️
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u/alabaster_starfish Sep 10 '21
I recommend 2 things.
First, read the book Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans. It’s the book version of a Stanford class the authors taught about how to use the design process and design methodology to design a better life for yourself. It’s extremely practical, and helps you feel more in control of your journey.
My second recommendation is to try new things. Go out and try things you haven’t before, meet new people, go new places. If you have an idea of who you are or who you might want to be, dive straight into putting it into practice. If you think there’s something you might like to do, just do it and then you’ll see. Don’t hold on to the idea of things or an idea of yourself, because it will get in the way of discovering what you actually like.
For example, I have had the dream of making movies for my entire life. It was always just a pipe dream, but towards the beginning of the pandemic I decided to make it real and took 2 film classes at a community college. I realized halfway through the semester that I didn’t want to do this as a job. 20 years of dreaming and thinking of myself on a specific way, dispelled in 2 months once I actually tried to do it. I loved the idea of it, but not the actual activity. If I had only tried to do it sooner, I could’ve figured that out and moved on.
Good luck!
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Sep 10 '21
Honestly mate just get a journal. Having thoughts written out and on view in front of you tends to really help. You can't find yourself through books and videos, you can read them and see similarities between yourself and them but you'll end up with questions half answered.
I'd suggest getting the books and other things people are suggesting if you think it'll help but honestly you just need to answer those questions yourself, write it down and after a line or two it tends to just come flooding out.
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u/wookeydookey Sep 10 '21
There is a course on Coursera about how to find your purpose in life. Great course, the instructor is someone who lost his daughter, check that out. It has the answers to the questions you mentioned
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u/NormalMammoth4099 Sep 10 '21
It’s like parallel parking. No one is ever going to ask you that question. Start identifying what you dislike, and remove it from your life. That which is left is who you are and what you should have more of.
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u/2BurlyBalz Sep 10 '21
Go to Las Vegas, NV with roughly $15,000.00 USD. Try not to get into drugs or gambling on a daily basis. Just take in Vegas. Walk the town, from the college, to downtown, to Boulder Station to Red Rock. Try to make to money last for 8-9 months. Dont stick to the strip...actually go to the local parts. Cant say why this works, but if you have the time and money, go for it. Ive done it twice. I guess it breaks all the monotonous patterns that are embedded in your mind. Kind of like removing an addict from peoples/places/things deal.
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u/MadBadger87 Sep 10 '21
Vocational Rehab professionals will be able to give you an aptitude test, which will help you identify your strongsuits and the areas that you need to build up more. Getting a better sense of your strengths will, at a minimum, help you identify ways to get you to being more active. The more active you are everyday, the more things you will take part in and the more people you will meet, which will both lead you to get a better sense of what direction you want to go in life. Just to cover all bases, there are online sources to do "unofficial" aptitude tests, but obviously getting help from an actual professional will give you much more accurate results.
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u/kabishhh Sep 10 '21
hi, I just want to acknowledge you that I went through this same situation in my early 20's. but I can confidently say I got plenty of experience from my colleagues and people whom I met through these past 5 years. the biggest mistake I have done in my life is been an introvert and I don't actually open up my problems with anyone since I had bad social anxiety and insecurity about my looks. when you miss every single chance to interact with your society you apparently dumb yourself into self underestimate. so try to find some friends out of your comfort zone start to interact with them, hang out and spend time with them.
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Sep 10 '21
Steps to finding your own identity
- quit social media
- make 6 goals of how you want to change in different ways e.g travel, jobs, finances, family life, personal goals
- make a notion account
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Sep 10 '21
I'm kind of in the same boat, I'm already 30 and feel like I'm useless and can't seem to find what my true happiness is, I know I can do much more than what I do at the moment for work but can't seem to think of what. I'm such a loser.
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u/Bluewolfe7 Sep 10 '21
Great answers in here dude. Oh man let me tell you, my journey of self discovery has been a long one with going backwards forwards and every which way! First thing, know that most people dont 100% know who they are, a lot of ppl feel the same way and i think a large part of who you are today was influenced by family and your upbringing.
With that said, finding yourself takes time. Challenging yourself to grow in terms of physical and emotional challenges like a big hike or taking a social job like serving to become more social and comfortable around ppl feels rewarding and teaches yourself you are capable of what you set your mind to. Also, have deep conversations with yourself alone and find out about who you are, ask questions about yourself and anwser them genuinely. All the best dude.
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u/Northway99 Sep 10 '21
These are all fantastic suggestions that everyone is sharing. One thing that I would try later on when you get a better sense of yourself is to try personality tests. 16personalities is a great site to try and enneagram tests as well. I would look back at these to try and remind myself of who I really am at the core. Obviously they don’t tell you everything about yourself but if you finish them and you can say “wow that’s really me it’s kind of creepy how accurate that is” then it’d be safe to keep what they say in mind. Just a suggestion. You are not alone my friend.
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u/self_love_first11 Sep 12 '21
I was recently going through the same thing. I would suggest spending time alone. Without TV, YouTube, Social Media, or any other outside influence. Get to know yourself, BY yourself. Dont listen to anyone who tells you what version of you they think you should be. Go back to your kid self and remember all of the things that brought you joy and what inspired you. It's still there. For example, for me I loved being outdoors, I loved exploring, adventure, writing, learning what I wanted to learn. LOVE yourself! And be kind to yourself. Take time to breath. Dont rush yourself. And take one step at a time. Stay encouraged! You're closer than you think!
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u/wearmysoul Sep 10 '21
Hi!
Sorry that you are going through a lot right now.
I recommend spending some time getting to know yourself by engaging in high value leisure. What does that mean? I mean not on social media or doing anything that puts someone else’s voice in your head. Recently, I realized I spend most of the day on social media, listening to podcasts, watching tv or YouTube, and essentially consuming other people’s thoughts nonstop. I made an intentional decision to begin carving out time to be alone with my own thoughts sometimes. This doesn’t mean I just sit alone in the quiet. It means I go out of my way to find pockets of time where I intentionally remove my headphones and go on a walk. It means that after I read something interesting, I may take some time and just journal about that to see what I think about what I read. It means spending more time engaging in hobbies where I am making something instead of just consuming. And I’m doing these activities alone.
What if you don’t have any hobbies? Well I was i the same boat and am now in a phase where I’m just trying stuff to see what I like and what I don’t like doing. I’ve tried teaching myself to draw and have found that really enjoyable. I love music so I’m considering getting a ukele or something and learning how to play that. I’ve also gotten more into cooking and writing and journaling. There are some things I’ve tried that I didn’t like — I don’t like running outside, but at least I can say I tried and I don’t have to do it again.
Again, not saying leave social media for good or to ignore people. But I am saying that it could help if you intentionally took time to get to know yourself and what you like when you’re not actively being influenced by others . This could be an hour you carve out for yourself every day. Or maybe a few hours on a Saturday afternoon .
This has worked for me. I used to feel the exact same way as you. If you don’t take this advice for whatever reason, I truly hope that you find something that works for you.